Listening

**heavensent_7** · 10-25-2003, 12:25 PM

Taken from a Workshop Handout from ACA.

Listening.

When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving advice, you have not done what I asked.

When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange as that may seem.

Listen. All I asked was that you listen to me, not to talk or do, just listen.

I can DO for myself, I'm not helpless. I may be discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.

When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear and weakness.

But when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational, it may then be easier for me to stop trying to convince you and start understanding what is behind my seemingly irrational feeling.

When that's clear, the answers are obvious and I don't need advice. Feelings make sense and we are respectable when we understand what's behind them.

Those who care enough to just listen, communicate that they have faith that you can work things out for yourself.

So please listen and just hear me. If you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn and I will listen to you.

**Heather** · 10-25-2003, 02:19 PM

Oh, that's good! So true Bev!! Thanks for sharing that with us!

**KKCondrey** · 10-25-2003, 02:25 PM

Bev, that was great. Thanks for posting it.

**dz_blonde_girl** · 10-26-2003, 09:25 AM

That's beautiful, Bev. I used to feel bad because I never offered advice. One day I discovered it's better just to hold a hand and listen, offer perspective when appropriate, empathy and hugs. A nursing instructor taught me to never say anything to a patient that wasn't therapeutic. I try to use this with everyone. I think about what I'm going to say, and keep it to myself if it's not going to help them.