Sharing a home with the grands

**ressa** · 01-04-2009, 07:01 PM

My oldest daughter needed help bigtime, so she and her two daughters have moved back in with my husband and I. The girls are 7 and 2 years old. My huband and daughter both work and I keep the home and the kiddos. My mother lives next door to me and is a lot of emotional support

They have been here about 6 months now and things are working out okay. My daughter is about to start a MUCH better job..... and I really don't see them moving out until the kids are a bit older and she can handle it all herself.

Just wondered if anyone else is in the same boat and had any tips or just comments to make. While I miss my empty nest VERY much, my husband and I are both glad to be able to help and make a difference.

Ressa

**redmaples** · 01-04-2009, 07:21 PM

i just want to say that your daughter is very lucky that you & her dad
are there for her...good you all can live well together...it really must be making a huge difference for her & the children!

**Darlene** · 01-04-2009, 07:25 PM

Ressa, glad she (dd) has a Mom like you and a dad like she does.
I'm not in the same boat but hope you and your hubby are getting alone time now and then, it is so important that you do. Nice to help out but you and yours need sweetie time too. Maybe that need can be met when your dd and her kids go off for the day or whatever. Make sure that you do get that time.

This is going to mean bunches to your dd & her kids down the road, don't be a doormat but be a short term refuge.

If you see she's using you guys as a crutch and not striking out on her own when you think she's ready, be prepared to do some tough love and nudge your lovey on to the new life she has waiting for her & her kids.
Roots & wings and big hugs all around

**homesteadmamma** · 01-04-2009, 08:27 PM

Not in the same boat at the present time, however I've been there and done that. I'm with Darlene, you need to make sure you get time with you and your dh. It's so very important. Boundaries will also need to be set. You are definitely making a difference and she will thank you for it. {{{{hugs}}}}

**ressa** · 01-04-2009, 08:30 PM

Thank you both so very much! I don't feel so alone now

My daughter does let me know that we are appreciated. She has managed to keep a bank account in her own name (husband not included) out of overdraft. She can pay her own auto insurance and always has money for gas and to buy things the kids need. She gives me $50 a week to make up for the utilities and brings things home for us... maybe a happy meal for me or diet dr peppers for her dad. But she will never clean her room. Just not much of a housekeeper. She will cook for me and clean that up or do lots of other things..... but she does pick up behind herself in the rest of the house.... mostly. haha
The kids are doing much better. They actually get to play outside some. My daughter and her husband are not divorced, but maybe someday..... The oldest girl had no problems moving out of a house with her father.
The alone time is a problem for my husband and I. We were just used to a lot more of it!!!!! Having a toddler around 24/7 is not so easy on me. Love the kid and she is an accident in progress. Got herself stuck in a chair today... I guess trying to worm her way through the space between the back and the seat. My husband rescued her but I kinda thought about leaving it on, similar to muzzling a dog sorta. KIDDING
I see my daughter becoming more responsible every day. Her new job will be as a 911 operator and she had to go through some extensive job applications and interviews. And pass a drug test!!!!!! AND be prepared for random ones.
I know she would prefer to have her own home and to do things her own way. I also know she cannot financially afford to do so right now and that child care would be a big problem.
My mom is 76 and lives next door. She is in general good health but cannot hear. My daughter helps with that, listening to answering machine messages and takes her grandmother shopping or out to eat... things I dont like to do much

I wonder if more families will find themselves in similar situations with the economy in the shape it is.
Again, thank you so much!

**MommyBliss** · 01-04-2009, 08:53 PM

What a wonderful blessing you are to your daughter. I wish I had a Mom like that or one who even cared about my children much. I worry that this will happen with the economy. I would take my brother in in a second(he's 22, single, no kids). He's a hard worker and trying to find out what he wants to do with life, but he's always working, sometimes 2 or more jobs.

**fernykins** · 01-04-2009, 11:43 PM

I'm doing the samething right now but its the whole family and dil brother........ I'm doing it to help my son........ She lost her job so it made life tight and they couldn't aford to be on their own...... My son figures 2 years...... but they are all saying I can't live by myself anymore......... I would love to..... I had one of my other son's and his 2 boys before this one. This day and age I am seeing more and more familys piling on top of each other...... Not because they want to but because they have to .....to survive
Fern

**FrugalMomof3** · 01-05-2009, 08:00 AM

I just want to congratulate you for being such a wonderful mom. I am NOT in the situation you are now but glad to hear your DD is doing her part. Right now with the economy the way it is, I am sure its not only helping her out but you our a bit as well. God Bless!

**PrairieRose** · 01-05-2009, 08:09 AM

I was a kid at home when my much older sister moved back with her kids. I know it will be tough on you and your husband but it will make a huge difference not only for your daughter but for her children as well. Please make sure to let your daughter be the responsible party for her children.....I saw how the boundaries could get very muddled and if you're not careful deep, long lived resentment can develop.

Hang in there.......this too shall pass.

**writtenonmybody** · 01-05-2009, 08:48 AM

I can relate to you but on the other side. We are a family that moved in and actually share house and payments with my husbands parents. For many different reasons we decided to do this but mostly to help each other out. They had asked us for over a year to do this before we decided it's best for our kids (teenager and two year old) We actually altered the whole house to make private space for us and for them. Gives them help with the bills, and us better schools, neighborhood, and a yard.

I have to say.. on our side.. it's been a huge blessing. Huge. Granted, we split the bills together. But on the other side of that, we're giving our kids something a lot of kids don't get to experience. Time, a lot of time with their grandparents. They adore them! I find this to be very valuable to them so far and they have adjusted well to our now bigger family. Sure they got to see grandma and grandpa a couple times a week before we did this. I think theres something to be said about the family bond we're giving them for the future.

We are lucky in the sense that we have are own private areas to go to, we really only share laundry, kitchen and yard space. Once a week we may not see them all that much. However we do have dinners together every single day. Christmas was a blast and stress free for all.

I think you're doing a wonderful thing for your daughter and grandchildren. I also think it takes a community to raise children. Even if she doesn't stay for a very long time, it will be something that those kids will remember and hopefully know how important family is more so than other children might.

So cheers to you and your husband. I hope it continues to go fairly smoothly until she's able to find her own place.

**ressa** · 01-05-2009, 09:09 AM

Wow, all of you have REALLY made me feel better!!!! Thank you!!!!
The husband did not come with my daughter... he was not invited and does not care much for us anyway. But he does blame us for taking away his family because we wouldn not loan/give him any more money. He has not worked in two years, insisted on managing the money but did not use it to pay bills or buy groceries. He was supposed to be taking care of the kids and the little girl got in trouble and detention in first grade for being late so much in the morning. And that was after something was said about her having so many absences.
Don't get me started

It is true about the lines being blurred on responsibility for the children. I know for a fact my daugher does not get up easily in the morning and I do, so I get the kiddo up for school and take her to the bus stop. My daughter also does not seem very organized about nightly baths and things but will do them when I say something. She and I discuss and agree on discipline and I do always give her the final word. What is scary is that we have grown to think too much alike

When I was young, my mother and I lived with my grandmother and uncles and it was a wonderful time for me. Maybe that is why I was so open to having them move back here with me. It does take a village to raise a child and I am blessed with a wonderful mother next door and some really excellent neighbors/friends.
And The Littlest Blessing is up now so I gotta cut this short

**writtenonmybody** · 01-05-2009, 09:32 AM

I totally agree with the lines being blurred with the responsibility of the kids for sure. Find a happy middle ground for that and state your boundries very clearly. In our situation the grandparents are the grandparents. They babysit once or twice a month - (maybe) just as they did before we made this change. They stated their wishes very clearly and we stated ours where we wanted our roles to be. I'm so thankful we did that because I want to be their mother and my husband their father. We want their grandparents to enjoy being grandparents. We've kept those boundries because they are not only important to us but important for the kids to know where everyone fits into their lives. Especially with living together.

**fairygodmother11** · 01-09-2009, 08:05 AM

I am in the same situation as you. We have one dd that just graduated midtem and she has a 1 yr dd.
My other dd just moved back home with her little babies, (2@5 months and one that is 2.) She has been here a month. Her SO has been here two weeks and just got a job (and an interview for a better paying job) They are all planning on moving on their own when they get tax checks. Is my house crowded? Yes!!!!!! But my favorite part of the day is coming home from a rough day at work and getting bombarded with hugs!!!!!!
I agree with the earlier post. As time get rougher, families will probably have to double or triple up to survive. We all work together here and it works. I love my family and will ALWAYS do what I can to help bt honetly, I will be glad to have an empty nest one day.

**ressa** · 02-12-2010, 12:37 PM

Well, they are all still here and may be for a while longer. Yet things are falling into place. My daughter is now divorced. Hopefully she will be able to move on. Things get a bit easier for me as the kids get older and woooohooooooo if the little one gets to go to preschool next year!!!!!!
But I am enjoying the company, they are interested in my various projects. They help me with my goats and some outside work.
My mom next door has started taking them to church. Good for them and soooo good for her to have to get out and do that. Since she is deaf, it is a good thing a lot of family goes to that church and I know my grands are in good hands.
I have two baby goats right now

**NikoSan999** · 02-12-2010, 12:53 PM

I think families moving in together is going to happen more and more. Myself, I don't think the economy is going to get better for a long long time. Here, the storage buildings are full with stuff belonging to the moving in families and more and more keys are being given out to the same unit.

You are doing a good thing.