our aging parents....

**Ali Lee** · 02-01-2010, 01:18 PM

happy 71... Suggestions..... It is not unusual for our seniors to get depressed, thyroid problem, diabetic, etc. A change in personality is also a sign of ALZ. Have they had a checkup lately? Would you be able to go with them or call & speak to the dr's nurse before appt? (believe me this works!) There are many kinds of forms you can print off the ''puter re: financial, living will, etc. Maybe they want to talk about "things"... to settle their minds, but, need a starting point. Good luck & let us know how's it going.

**krbshappy71** · 02-01-2010, 01:22 PM

Originally Posted by Ali Lee

happy 71... Suggestions..... It is not unusual for our seniors to get depressed, thyroid problem, diabetic, etc. A change in personality is also a sign of ALZ. Have they had a checkup lately? Would you be able to go with them or call & speak to the dr's nurse before appt? (believe me this works!) There are many kinds of forms you can print off the ''puter re: financial, living will, etc. Maybe they want to talk about "things"... to settle their minds, but, need a starting point. Good luck & let us know how's it going.

Thanks for the suggestions. They have been in to the doctor's lately. Right now it seems to be they are feeding off each other's depression. My mom will talk openly to me about death and plans/wishes (not that its my fav topic but I listen) but my dad wont, even with her. They have made comments like, "ya we wont get another cat because we probably wont outlive one" and so forth. Hello? Sixties? Way too young to stop having pets. Not having pets because you want to travel and such is one thing but because you are going to die? Grrrrr.....its those comments thrown out all the time, the fretting to each other and to me (and other family) that is really making me frustrated and that they are aging themselves faster than they have to.

**pinecone** · 02-05-2010, 06:42 PM

Originally Posted by frugalfranny

SS, yes, I joined an Alz. support group too.

It really helped just to know that many others were going through the same thing.

I think the classes and the book helped me 'understand' and the group helped me 'cope'......the rest was just taking care of myself and getting proper rest and trying to eat right. Also---keeping a SENSE OF HUMOR......even if warped at times...I had to be able to laugh!

I have to agree. Our Visiting Nurses and other groups were great. There was financial aid for respite care also from grant moneys. Our hospital has an adult day care that was a blessing for DH and I. DMIL would go there 1 day/week and that was our "date" day. Laughing is a MUST. Remember this is an acceptance disease and not one that can be "fixed".
My DMIL-Alz lived with us for 7 years. I learned so much about her and DH's ancestors.
Last winter I lived with my Dad after emergency surgery, brought my sewing machine and quilted at times. When he started to show me how to cook, I knew he was getting better. Gadabout Gertie is back playing cards, turning bowls, going to the Rotary and Fish & Game meetings at 87.

piney

**Saule** · 02-06-2010, 06:28 PM

MIL is 83, had breast cancer and now a recurrence, but TIAs are bothering her more. My SIL lives just a few door down, and has been just wonderful. More worried about her sister, 87, who is more frail and not willing to accept much help.

My dad is 93, generally not too poorly off health-wise, but lives in Europe, and that is the hard part. Mother died a couple of years ago. She was disabled and had dementia - we had three ladies working in rotation to help around the house. House not set up for this type of resident, but we did modernize the bathroom finally to make it more workable. It was not an ideal situation but father refused and refuses to consider assisted living or a similar setting. When I visit I sometimes find the gas streaming into the kitchen, because he's forgotten to turn it off. I tried to modernize the kitchen a couple of years ago - we even bought a modern kiitchen range, but dad sent it back. I am off to see him in a couple of months, we take turns. The biggest problem is that if somethi8ng happens, you just cannot drop everything and go - there are only so many transatlantic flights a family of modest means can make in a year, even if it's just you going.

**Saule** · 02-06-2010, 06:35 PM

Originally Posted by krbshappy71

My parents only live about 5 or 10 min away so caring will be easier in that sense. I'm not looking forward to it, they are already letting themselves go at 65+/- What the heck? I have met so many lively and spry people in their 70 and 80's why are mine giving up? I'm seriously hoping its a phase. Talks of dying, aging, etc are getting very boring when its every conversation. Talks of how they skip meals, don't exercise, don't have hobbies, don't want hobbies don't want to socialize, etc. grrrr.

They need to LIVE while they are still here!! While they still can!!

Had to vent, thank you for listening.

Thyat is hard - my dad has a lot of interests - he has granduate students coming to see him to intervie him for various projects.l Mother had fewer interests and I think declined more quickly because of it. I had an aunt who gave up on life at around 70 but lived 24 more years - definitely an object lesson of what not to do. She was not infirm until just the last three or four years, and so really lost many opportunities. Her youngest sister, at 95, still manages to climb to her fourth floor walk up apartment. We tried to convince her to move to a first floor apartment, but she won't go.

**Ali Lee** · 02-09-2010, 02:33 PM

Thanks to all of you for sharing. I'm hoping we can continue this thread. If you're not in this phase of life, you soon will be.
I would think all of us would appreciate any "frugal" ideas regarding our parents. I pack my own lunch when I vist, even tho it's only 7.30 to eat with him.
My dad has lost so much weight, I've been able to find nice shirts @ the Salvation Army for 2$ & 1$ on sale days. Also, with Valentine's Day coming up-don't forget the help @ the nursing homes. I've bought bags of candy & will give it to them--from dad.
Finally, this post I will end with this update, dad fell & broke his arm & ribs last week & fell again 4 days later.....
How are you doing today?

**sunshine** · 02-09-2010, 06:59 PM

Mom made two trips to the ER last night, from the nursing home, with low oxygen levels. ER couldn't find a problem, so sent her back, only to have the same thing happen again. So, today they are doing a check on her bi-pap and oxygen concentrator to see if they have a problem. 2 ER trips, 38 miles one way for me, in blowing/drifting snow = no sleep, then a 2 hour trip to work (usually only takes 1 hour) I'm beat today.

**MaryCarney** · 02-10-2010, 11:20 AM

We were fortunate with my in-laws : both were in poor health, but my SIL and her husband/kids lived with them, and because we homeschool, my teens were able to spend days with them when SIL's family was at school and work.
My mom died very young (61), very suddenly.
Which brings me to the topic of my dad. He's 81 and had quadruple bypass last year. My step-mom still works full-time (she's 71), and he runs the house. I called him this morning to ask a question and got no answer. Curious, but he goes to the mall to walk every day, so when he called back I asked where he was. Turns out he was shoveling snow and pushing cars out of snowbanks for his neighbor ladies!!!!!!!

**MaryCarney** · 02-10-2010, 11:27 AM

I've told my kids many times, that if their dad or I ever begin to show signs of dementia to do two things
1) disable our cars and 2)find a secure nursing home and put us there.
We had TWO cases in recent years here of a person with dementia killing someone in a wreck by driving on the wrong side of the interstate.
I do not want my kids burdened with caring for me to the point where they begin to resent it or have to devote all their resources to our care.
Every family is different, of course.
We've had many discussions about this as a family, and that is what we've come to an agreement about.

**Neeley** · 02-10-2010, 12:25 PM

DH and I are 36 and 37. All of our parents are still living. I have eight grandparents still living, he has none.

My paternal, biological grandfather is dying as we speak with Alzheimer's.(I have step-grandparents who have been in my life for many, many, many years. Some from before I was even born. When speaking to others I refer to them as biological or step to keep confusion down. Although, in my heart they are all the same) January 4th he fell, breaking his hip. After spending a week in ICU, being put on a respirator, taken off and then put back on, he was strong and stable enough for surgery - 2 screws and a pin. He spent another week in ICU then three days in a private room. In those three days he fell out of bed twice, breaking his nose. Three weeks ago yesterday he was moved to a rehab facility in hopes of him one day being able to come home.

In the weeks since the fall he has deteriorated rapidly. He lost 17 pounds the first two weeks he was in rehab, and a good bit of weight when he was in the hospital. He is in the final stages where the patient reuses food and drink. When I have begged him to eat, he tells me he just did or he has better things to do. We were advised to bring him sweets since that is the last taste sensation to go. But he wouldn't have any of it. At Christmas he knew all of us and other than sleeping a lot and eating a minimum he was OK. In the past couple of weeks there have been days when he doesn't know my grandmother, his wife of 20 years, or me. So far my daddy has been the only person he remembers 100% of the time. He sees his son who passed away 2 years ago in the room at times. There are other times he has me changing the oil in the race car, or pushing it down a hill to get it started (he was the mechanic for our family's racing team for years - cars and the Army are his loves). We have seen little boys on the ceiling and traveled through his old neighborhoods looking at the houses, talking about who lived where. All of this from the comfort of his hospital bed, courtesy of his imagination.

Last week my grandmother and I started the process of having her granted a POA and filling out "Do Not Resuscitate", no feeding tube, etc... papers. Sunday night he was found not breathing. Since the POA and papers were still being processed, they administered CPR and transported him to the hospital. He has been unconscious and unresponsive since. He has brain activity, but is on a respirator/ventilator, basically just existing.

Today they told us he has blood clots in his legs and lungs. They cannot give him anymore blood thinner and wanted to do surgery to put a filter in. After my grandmother, my dad, my uncle, my mom and I talked we all decided against the surgery. The risks outweigh the benefits. His chances of making any kind of recovery are slim to none.

I am at peace with the decision. He is 86 year young and has lived a good life. He was married to my biological grandmother from 1940 until she passed in 1989. They had five sons and 9 grandchildren. He has been married to my step-grandmother since February 12, 1990. He served in three wars and is a well respected citizen in the small community he has lived in since 1970.

It's hard to see him like this. Right before his episode Sunday night, it was extremely difficult to understand him when he spoke. No, he had not had a stroke, that was looked into. His frustration when I couldn't understand him was quite evident. He would get so annoyed he would clearly yell "Bull sh**" to me. Sounds odd, but it really was kind of funny. There are a few things he still clearly knows. He can tell you what his tattoo says and where he got it. He knows my daddy and he still know his way around a car.

Last Sunday he let me kiss his cheek three times and lifted his head twice to give me kisses. He told me he loved me and then told me to go home. Sweet moments I will cherish forever.

**Ali Lee** · 02-10-2010, 03:37 PM

Neeley, what a cherished moment to be told~~you are loved. (((hug)))

**Neeley** · 02-20-2010, 11:21 PM

Pappy, my grandfather I wrote about in the post above passed away this morning. His suffering has ended and I pray he is at peace and reunited with my grandmother (passes away in 1989) and his two sons that preceded him in death (one passed in 1971 and the other in 2007).

**mauimagic** · 02-21-2010, 02:08 AM

Neely - I am so glad that you shared som eof your treasured moments with your grandfather and so sorry to hear of his passing. Your feelings about his being with his family who have gone before mirror mine and bring much peace. Sending prayers and aloha to you and your family.

**krbshappy71** · 02-21-2010, 10:43 AM

I'm very sorry.

**Debbie-cat** · 02-21-2010, 11:14 AM

My MIL passes six years ago from scleroderma (sp?)an immune disease where her insides turned to leather. It began to turn the outside body parts to leather as well where her fingers and toes began to fall off. She was at home until the end and my FIL took care of her. A very slow and very painful death. My FIL now lives with us. He has CHF, COPD and an anyrism (sp?). It is difficult at times but the joy he brings us far outweighs the work to take care of him. He will be with us until the end.