DH driving me crazy!

[peanut]

So how many of you are Third Agers who still stay at home to take care of things?

I have health issues which kind of preclude working outside the home...unless it is in a very congenial environment. I struggle with anxiety, depression and stress a lot. DH also has expectations on me that if I work I still have to do all the housework too. I've been told by my doctors my back is too bad to do any lifting over 5-10 lbs. And I'm not to sit or stand for more than an hour at a time. Needless to say, I can't imagine what a prospective employer would think of all that!

So I've stayed home.

However, DH is driving me crazy. Every day he comes home and holds an inquisition. So what did you do today? Is that all you did today? Or he looks at me expectantly like I should elaborate on what I said. Or he'll look at what I did with disdain or disinterest, as if it didn't matter. I'm an artist by nature. I create things. DH doesn't exactly appreciate that.

I don't know. I feel lazy. I feel like I should be doing more. But I know if I do my health will cave somewhere and I won't be able to cope. Plus I'll leave someone in the lurch...employer/co-workers.

I've thought about going out to work. But I think ultimately that would lead to having to make a choice between my marriage or my job. I can't do both. I just don't have the emotional stamina to handle both.

Instead I fill my days with crafting for charity and frugality sake. I do frugal things around the house/community to help us save money.

How do you/would you handle this situation?

[stinkbug]

I have no advice.....I just can't imagine. In all the 12+ years I've been a SAHW, my dh has NEVER questioned how I spend my days/time/chores, etc!
Some days I do a lot...some days I do very little. We manage....
I'm really sorry he makes you feel this way :-(

[kattails]

I have no advice.....I just can't imagine. In all the 12+ years I've been a SAHW, my dh has NEVER questioned how I spend my days/time/chores, etc!
Some days I do a lot...some days I do very little. We manage....
I'm really sorry he makes you feel this way :-(

this is my dh. even though I apologize for days when I haven't done much (like today) bc I'm struggling with my anemia and have zero energy. he just tells me to shush it and take care of myself.


I am not in your age group, but have been staying at home for 4 years now due to health problems. I don't have muuch advice, but maybe sit down and talk to him, tell him how he makes you feel when he questions what you have done during the day. I'm sorry you have to deal with his insensitivity. hope things get better for you, and definitely take care of yourself

[piney]

I can understand what you are saying in my last marriage which ended in 1999 .I worked most all the time outside the home and my husband was retired and only worked now and then and when i was home the things he said and done made me fell like i should be up doing something almost all time and it hard even now to relax.And to this day i can be out shopping and i fell like i need to rush home even though i live alone now.Hugs to you.

[cab54]

I think maybe you need to talk to him about how it makes you feel.

It would hurt my feelings, too.

[Momto5RN]

i would hand him a list of what i did when he asks me so i didnt have to talk to him and be ignored when i did . i would list every minute thing from puttimg down the toilet set etc just to make him batty .

i would add to that list of what i do frugally and what $ it saved the budget . ( you hand made a sweater some one could get 50$ for at a high end craft show/ boutque - you saved him 50$ after taxes out of his income .

i would probably figure out what i would make if i had a PT job- go to crown .org calculators and figure out how much would go to taxes -to gas - to needed a diff wardrobe --to increased meds and dr appts if it caused you health issues - what you not being able to do things so frugally would cost etc and show him what the end result would be IF you worked.

and being crafty .... i personally would be mad enough i would would probably design myself a T that said "my husband is a male chauvenist" ( based on how is is acting at the moment - wanting you to work with health issues and IF you worked expcting you to do all the home stuff too).

then i would present him with a bill that said :

housekeeper- 40$ a day x 7 days = 280$
Laundress- 50$ a week
Errand runner / personal shopper - 100$ week
Chef- 200$ a week
meeting ummm delicately put ... other personal needs - 100$ a 1/2 hour

and ask when your paycheck is coming ??

[Syn D]

I stay at home.. I have a problem that can make it hard for me to walk, etc. a couple weeks out of a month, but never know when it will happen, and my hubby excepts it.. Even if he didn't, he wouldn't dare harp on me about it.. I do all the housewife things, so he says I am doing my part.. He said it would be different if I was just lazying around..

I know there is no job here that would give me 2 weeks a month off, definitely not knowing when they'd be..

Have you had a talk with him and find out what his expectations actually are, then give your side?? Does he even know what your doc told you??

I think financially you are doing what your health will allow with being frugal.. My hubby was happy when I started..

Best Wishes to you!!

[peanut]

Thanks for the feedback ladies. Yes, DH knows what the doctor told me. My DSIS, also a doctor, told me the same thing over the phone. He didn't believe me until I threw my back out earlier this year and was told most vehemently by the Nurse Practitioner that vacuuming was the absolute worst thing I could be doing. Unfortunately he won't do the vacuuming often enough to keep my allergies under control. And he won't let me bring someone in to do it. He doesn't want anyone handling our stuff! (exasperated) I'm thinking of taking my allowance and just hiring someone to come in on the sly without him knowing...but I hate doing that.

I do know he is concerned about me being depressed. And one of the signs of depression for me is that I just sit in my fav chair and do absolutely nothing all day. I must admit, now I have a laptop I can hardly sit and do nothing! I spend a lot of time reading, researching and communicating on the Net. I also help some ESL students with their English...developing cloze sentences, etc. In a way his inquisition is out of concern for me. STILL...sometimes it gets a bit much.

I tried the turn around approach of giving him the inquisition about work. All he says is he did nothing, or it was rough, or whatever. Maybe I'll take that approach and just say "oh I had a busy day" or "oh it was OK", and follow it up by asking him about his day.

In the past I've used my friends to give me positive feedback on my art because, honestly poor DH hasn't an artistic bone in his body! He just doesn't get it. And he comes from a family of people like that. People who see 'crafts' as nothing but a drain on the budget.

I have to admit, he is not a fan of me going out to work. Odd as that may seem. At least he told me he liked having someone to come home to. But sometimes his words and his actions don't seem to agree, kwim? I'm left very confused. Yes, I think you're right...it's time for a talk...

I did, at one point, figure out that over five years my frugality saved us $21,000 on an annual salary around $35,000. That turned his head, because he didn't think I was frugal. After all, I still spent money. His idea of frugal is miser...don't spend a penny. I not only spent money, but I managed to improve our quality of life... on $21,000 less...over the course of five years... It was a case of setting priorities and finding cheaper ways to get the same bang for our buck.

[arnie]

I am so sorry to hear your predicament.
I work 50 hrs a week and do all the housewife duties. My husband will not do and has never done them. He will also complain about me getting home from work well after him and him having to eat dinner late because I am the cook.
What ticks me off the most is when he works from home one day a week. I have taken vacation days on occasion and know his routine.
He takes a 2 hr nap, and watches tv most of the day!! So you would think he could at least wash the dishes that he dirties and maybe cook a meal on the day he works at home.
I really wish I knew what to say to make you feel better.

[LuLuBleen]

I have to admit, he is not a fan of me going out to work. Odd as that may seem. At least he told me he liked having someone to come home to. But sometimes his words and his actions don't seem to agree, kwim? I'm left very confused.

So, he doesn't want you to leave the house and he wants a rundown of each and every thing you do while you're at home? Sounds like your husband has some control issues, to say the least.

I hope that having a heart-to-heart talk with him will clear the air and make you feel less pressured.

[Syn D]

When he met me, I was/am a firm believer in a relationship has to be 50/50 and have good communication and for almost 22 years ours has been.. With that, he will help around the house IF I need him too and I sometimes help him at work.. He cleans for a living so I try not to ask him much at home..

My back went out (2 days) some years ago and he had to do the food shopping, I got more than one call while he was there, when he got home all he said was "never again, we'll starve first".. So, I don't put that on him anymore, but he does go with to help me..

I have issues and have a big problem with someone else washing our clothes and dishes (they're not clean unless I do them), so I trapped my self in to those jobs..

I think sense I started so soon in our relationship I don't have the problems others have and I am very sorry for the ones that do, I know there is no way I could except that..

A housewife is a 7 day a week JOB...

[peanut]

I am so sorry to hear your predicament.
I work 50 hrs a week and do all the housewife duties. My husband will not do and has never done them. He will also complain about me getting home from work well after him and him having to eat dinner late because I am the cook.
What ticks me off the most is when he works from home one day a week. I have taken vacation days on occasion and know his routine.
He takes a 2 hr nap, and watches tv most of the day!! So you would think he could at least wash the dishes that he dirties and maybe cook a meal on the day he works at home.
I really wish I knew what to say to make you feel better.

So, he doesn't want you to leave the house and he wants a rundown of each and every thing you do while you're at home? Sounds like your husband has some control issues, to say the least.

I hope that having a heart-to-heart talk with him will clear the air and make you feel less pressured.

This comment could go for both of us I think. Now you mention this, DH has had this issue off and on for years...depending on whether he thinks I'm sick or not. He gets very afraid of my illness and that brings out the control freak in him. Hmmm...this could be a case of finding some way of communicating concern in a non-threatening way...

[mauimagic]

Hmmmm - I responded to this post early on and it went someplace into the ethers I suppose.

Peanut, I am so sorry that you are subjected to this verbal abuse. You are such an caring, giving person that his attitude really takes me aback.

In all of our challenges, it seems that I am learning more and more that we all need to take charge of our reactions to what others say and do. Of course it hurts even more when our partners attack us - even if they don't see it that way.

I can see the concerns he has for your health, I know that my DH does also. Shoots, I'm sure it concerns you too - who knows what will pop up next?

Good idea to have a noncommital response to his inquiries and then turn the spotlight gently on him. If he should consider another verbal attack, consider saying "I'm sorry that you feel that way; I'm quite comfortable with all that I've accomplished today." ......and then walk graciously away with your head held high.

Don't see that this is a subject for debate - I've learned that everyone is doing the best that they can at any moment in time - and I only need to answer to myself.

Hugs my dear.

[Debbie-cat]

On peanut I am so sorry you are going through this! You do so much everyday and he should appreciate all that you do for him! Try not to let it get you down. You cannot control what he sayd but you can control your reaction to it (i think MM's lectures are rubbing off on me ) Everyone has great suggestions you should try and see if they help. I send you lots of luck and hugs.

[Telephus44]

I would second the suggestion of asking him what his expectations are of you. If he's concerned about your physical health, maybe he wants to be more active? If he's concerned about your depression, maybe he wants you to interact more with other people? Does he want more done around the house?