is this a mid life crisis??

[arnie]

I am wondering if what I am experiencing is a mid life crisis or is it that the stressors of everyday life are just getting to me? I have been very fortunate to have worked my way into a mid level management position in healthcare which affords me a good income. DH put me through school shortly after we married and I am grateful for that. The problem is- I hate my job.

DH and I have been married for 15 yrs- we each have a child from previous marriages and they are both adults now. DH has been a very good father to my daughter and has raised her as his own. She lives at home and he is super protective of her.

DH and I are complete opposites. Complete Opposites- he likes to drink, smoke and watch TV. I am into books, quiet, exercise, and DIY projects around the house.
Here are my dilemmas-
1.DH accumulated some debt before we married (which he concealed from me by avoiding the debt for years). I am trying to pay it off because I know it will ultimately come back to haunt us sooner or later. Hence I keep sticking it out at my job- purely for the money.
2.DH does nothing to help me around the house, so between working 50 hrs a week and all my domestic duties- I get a little tired and resentful.
3.DH is not the neatest person- his crap is all over the house. Before we married- I was obsessed with a neat house, I have had to considerably relax my standards or lose my mind.
4. Our intimate life barely exists- due to low drive on his part.

I want to do things to make the house nice-he shoots all my projects down- and I typically don't ask him for help with these projects because I know he is not interested. I would like to have people over, but I am too embarrassed to have anyone come by now because the carpets are gross and his "crap" is everywhere. He doesn’t like to have people over the house anyway so it doesn’t bother him.
I can’t help wonder what my life would be like if I wasn’t married? I sometimes feel guilty for feeling this way, but I do. I don’t want to resent him, but I almost feel that I will never get out of debt or have a nice house because of him.
I feel trapped at my job because the money is helping me pay off his debt. Otherwise, I would probably take a cut in pay so I could work 3 days per week and have a better balance in my life. In fact, I wouldn’t mind the doing the domestic duties so much if it wasn’t for the fact that I am exhausted at the end of the day.
I just feel we are not on the same page and don't know what to do. I would ask him to go to counseling with me, but I have asked him in the past (because of my concerns about his drinking) and he refused.
I love him, but I feel very disconnected, and disappointed.
At what point, do you accept your life as is, or decide that you can't?

[zakity]

Sounds like you need to take a good long look at your marriage and see if you really want to continue it. Some counseling might be a good idea.

[Franki]

Hi Arnie. Sorry to hear that you are going through this. I agree with zakity. I think counseling would be a move in the right direction. Some couples counselors will actual see you, even if your husband does not attend...

[Nishu]

I have no idea what to tell you about the state of your marriage and whether or not you should leave, but I think in fairness you should tell him everything that you just posted and let him know exactly how serious your issues are. If you have trouble getting it out, show him what you just wrote.

Messies marry cleanies all the time. Spendthrifts marry frugalites. Health nuts marry fatties. A lot of people hate their jobs but do it anyway because they love their families. All of these are issues that can be worked out. Aside from the debt, the job, and the mess, what you should really focus on is the apathy. Your husband does not seem to care about your happiness, otherwise he'd at least make an attempt to meet in the middle. This is your problem. I think you should focus your husbands uncaring attitude rather than his quirks, because you're not going to fix your marriage by talking him into buying new carpet or getting him to stop smoking.

Obviously he's not that eager to work out what you feel are problems, and when that's the case I really just don't know what a person can do about it. What can you do if your'e not happy and your spouse doesn't care that you're not happy?

Anyway, I'm sorry you're going through this and I really don't think it's a midlife crisis. I'd be upset too if my spouse cared so little about what I wanted out of life.

[Droppedonmyhead]

I agree with what the others have said. Tell him how you feel and how unhappy you are about it all. I was in a similar situation years ago where I told my now ex-SO that I was extremely unhappy with our relationship. He told me to go home and think about it. 15 minutes later, he called to see if I had "gotten over it". I am wondering if your husband works outside of the home. Reading it, I sort of felt as if he may not since he's not the one paying down his own debt.

[The Muse]

I was in a similar position 2 years ago. I was 33 and married 9 years, together for 15. I decided to cut my losses and move on. Now, I'm living in Europe, I travel, I have a beautiful vintage flat, and I've never been happier.

I told him many times that I was unhappy, that I wanted to travel, renovate the bathroom, etc. It got to the point where I didn't see the value of living frugally and building a career if I couldn't enjoy the spoils once in awhile. I'd cry in my car to and from work, then I asked myself why I was staying and I didn't have a good reason other than to uphold my vows, not to admit failure and because I was afraid of the unknown.

I miss having a life partner, but I do not miss feeling lonely in my marriage. I still love him, but I can't be married to him.

[ladykemma2]

1. we got a housekeeper twice a week to eliminate that problem. because he couldn't or wouldn't clean. his mother was a 1950's june cleaver type and he expected me to be the same. one stressor eliminated.

2. our marriage did not survive, but once divorced i am ecstatically fixing up the house the way i want it.

3. i hate sometimes being alone, but in my beautiful home that has become my hobby, i am never bored.

4. when my hub drives were, ah, low, it was because he was having an affair. he blamed it on me- - being always tired.

5. he drinks? and i am not clear about whether he works.

6. do you know about al-anon?

[arnie]

he actually does work, and has a decent job. There is a long story behind the debt which I won't go into- he disagrees on priniciple with the debt which is why he wasn't paying it.
I think that the drive issue has something to do with his drinking, but until he acknowledges that this bad habit has to stop, I don't know that it will get any better.
The problem is, he is a good person, just not motivated and perfectly content with everything the way it is.

[Nishu]

Do you think he could be depressed?

[tracergal007]

I don't know if this helps but a couple of years ago my DH was..er...low in the drive department. He wound up at the doctor's where they found out he was diabetic and suffering from low testosterone. He's on medication now and it's helped enormously.

[krbshappy71]

Waking up, looking around, and deciding you want something better can happen at any age. Its not necessarily mid-life crisis. Focus on what you can control and see what you and your hubby can negotiate on. Can you give him a space/room of his own that he can mess up and agree that the front living room (where you would like to entertain) stays clean? Many people have a front room that is kept nice for guests.

Can you afford a housekeeper as another poster suggested? He may resent it at first but in time he would likely keep his mess contained to other areas as to avoid having the housekeeper "touching my stuff". *grin*

Perhaps you are throwing too much money at his debt, leaving you feeling deprived. I would like to suggest throwing less and giving yourself a little spending money for yourself during this time.

Sounds like he is in a depression, you cannot control that, but seek out more time with your friends outside of the house, away from that scene with him. My two cents with a big hug.

[beks37]

The problem is, he is a good person, just not motivated and perfectly content with everything the way it is.

That sounds exactly like my ex. He didn't care how unhappy I was, as long as he had what he needed, he was fine.