2 months until "sort of empty nested" (LONG)

**krbshappy71** · 06-23-2011, 09:17 AM

In two months my dd will be 18 but still living at home, possibly for the next year. I'm very apprehensive about what this is going to look like.

Lately a lot of conversations have come up between my older dd who has left the nest, my dd that is in the nest, and myself. These conversations seem to be all revolved around the past, their upbringing, mistakes I've made (or that they think I made) etc.

Is this natural/normal? I sometimes am feeling criticized, analyzed, downright judged as a parent, as if when they're done there will be a big scoreboard flashing my score. Are they just reflecting back and verbalizing it aloud?

Here's an example:

older DD: I can't believe you let her do that (her being the younger dd)

me: I know but think about when you were that age, really, how much did I bother with parenting when you were 2 months before 18?

older DD: I know, you totally gave up, it was like you were done and I wasn't even 18.

So, it feels like judging, it feels like reflecting on their part, and another topic that has come up is the EXTREMELY sensitive subject of their dad. Without going into a huge drama thing, basically its not an easy topic for me and they keep throwing things out all the time about the past and their visits with him and how I handled things, how he handled things, etc. VERY AWKWARD, I don't want to talk about him, I want it all to be in the past for good now that they are adults. (well, almost adult for the younger dd)

Is this normal? Will this go on the entire next year that dd is 18 but living at home? Or is it like anything else, a topic they've latched onto and if I don't like the topic just don't participate? (say, if they enjoyed battling politics, just don't discuss politics if I don't want to)

Please advise, thank you! I do think a lot of my stress about it is feelings of failure.

**nuisance26** · 06-23-2011, 09:52 AM

~Oh my yes that's normal. It may go on until they're 25/30 or have kids of their own.
I'm guilty of it. My siblings are guilty of it. We've all come to realize how right our parents were about most things, and about how impossible it is to be a perfect parent.
Right at that college age is when young adults still suffer from the delusion that being 18 is being fully grown and that 'adult' is a permanent state. They're often very self-involved and in making plans for their future they still think that they are in complete control of X, Y and Z in their future based on their logical conclusions that led them to their life plan.
When you're past 18 for a few years you understand how much change there is in your upper years; how much you change your mind and habits, how much others change theirs, how much the things around you and out of your control change. And then you realize all the things that were out of your parents control and how hard it is to be in control of other people's lives.
Give it a few years and try to let it roll off your back for now. You'll be their hero again in a few years!~

**Russ** · 06-23-2011, 10:00 AM

There's a saying about a young persons presumed "smarts" but you have to think about it to understand it.

"The older I get, the smarter my parents get."

**fernykins** · 06-23-2011, 10:11 AM

It is very normal. One of my sisters is 60 years old and she still throws it up. I'm so glad my mother is gone. All I want to say is get over it. It happened, you can't change it , get on with living. I raised 6 kids I only have 1 that is like that.
Fern

**McD** · 06-23-2011, 10:22 AM

I'm 26 years old. My oldest brother is 28. My younger brothers are 21 and 19.

We all do this to our parents. It's not judging. It's discussing, reminiscing, etc. Sometimes it's fun for all of us. Other times, my mom threatens to smack us.

**krbshappy71** · 06-23-2011, 10:34 AM

Big sigh of relief, thank you so much, Frugal folks, it has really gotten me down lately. It was in full force during our vacation recently and my older dd is coming out in a couple of weeks so I expect it to start up again. With today's technology of texting and cell phones it feels like I can't get away from it, either. I might need to take cell phone and texting breaks if it keeps up rather than fussing over everything that's said, what I think they meant by it, etc.

It helps to know its normal.

**mh3rdwheel** · 06-23-2011, 10:54 AM

Yes it is normal at least for me, my 24 year old dd Dessiree says stuff like You always let Brad get away with everything.

My ds Brad is 18 and just graduated from school, he will be living with me the next couple of years while he goes to college and works.

Good luck.

**craftypam** · 06-23-2011, 11:05 AM

No one teaches us to parent and hindsight is 20/20. We all do the best we can and that is all we can do. I am 57 and my sisters (55 and 42) will bring up issues of how we were parented and I feel the same way Fern feels (GET OVER IT!!) My ds are now 31, 29 and 25 and now they appreciate how they were parented. Hugs to you and please let it just roll off your shoulders because they will be parents someday and make mistakes too because we are all just human

**Libby** · 06-23-2011, 11:26 AM

krbs - look at it this way, they feel comfortable enough with you, though you're 'mom', to discuss their realizations with you. I'd consider that a positive thing.

I'm sure they're also comparing how their friends were parented vs how they were and this was something discussed amongst themselves as well.

**jenthebaker** · 08-01-2011, 09:19 AM

I just wanted to say thank you to krbshappy71 and all who replied to this post. My dd will be leaving in 2 weeks for college and she's my only child. Even with no siblings to have these discussions with, the criticism in the "review" of her growing up years has been somewhat heartbreaking. I was very comforted by all the comments shared. Thanks!

**Rebookie** · 08-01-2011, 07:49 PM

This is the point I would tell my sweet child.. That she doesn't know what the heck she's talking about. You made the decisions for YOUR children not hers. Why young adults have to be such cocky turds is beyond me.

**McD** · 08-01-2011, 08:22 PM

Originally Posted by Rebookie

Why young adults have to be such cocky turds is beyond me.

Probably for the same reason old people have to be crochety old farts.

**krbshappy71** · 08-01-2011, 11:57 PM

An update, my oldest has turned her latest tactics to her dad. *SNICKER!!!* he isn't taking it well. I'm laughing from the sidelines. (we are divorced)

**Palooka** · 08-02-2011, 12:39 AM

I'm sorta going through this..or it's my insecurity one. Every time DD spends time with her dad....I have to wonder what was said.

Her dad is the type to just write checks to her and be 'done with it.' Can't compete there but I know I have a way stronger bond with my DD then he does.

I keep talking to my daughter about college and her 'plans' when she thinks she wants to leave the nest. So far...I'm pretty sure she will be here another year or maybe two with college and stuff. Not holding my breath though, cuz I remember being that age, but I'm way cooler than my parents was to me.

However I won't be surprised if she slams my parenting to anyone all that time!