Help adjusting to assisted living facility

**Mamaw** · 09-13-2011, 06:29 PM

The last few months have been very difficult in my home. My father had a disc removed from his back on 6/8/11. Complications set in and he spent the next 3 months between long term care facilities and hospitals. He then passed away on 8/22/11.

When we started on this rollercoaster, we realized my Mom could not live alone and that both she and Dad needed to move back closer to their children so we could help them. Dad and Mom agreed to this before his passing and we rented a 2 room apartment in a very nice assisted living facility for them.

My Mom moved in and was living there at the time of my fathers passing. Since then she is struggling with grief as well as trying to adjust to living alone. We children are doing all we can to help but we just can't bring Dad back to her. She was very dependent on my Dad and has limited mobility plus some dementia setting in. She has never been a social butterfly and can be a bit gruff at times. But she is a softie underneath.

I am trying to find ways to help her adjust to her situation and her apartment. any hints, suggestions or lessons learned from anyone who has gone through this would be greatly appreciated!

I have been making it a point to spent time with her at several times a week. I take her out shopping, to get her hair done, to have dinner and also bring her to my home to spend time with us. When she is at my home she helps fold laundry and prepare items to cook or can. We watch cooking shows ( which she loves) and talk about old times, family and my Dad. I try to just listen to her express any emotions she is feeling but it is hard for her to vocalize emotions. I intend to continue to spend as much time with Mom as I can but I know as winter sets in it will be less than it is now.

I apologize for the length of this post and know I am rambling a bit but I am really worried about my Mom. I dont know how to help her make friends in the facility or to get her to take part in the activities they have going on. Any hints.....

**nodmicks** · 09-13-2011, 06:33 PM

I dont have any advice but just wanted to offer a hug and a prayer.

**HappyMama** · 09-13-2011, 06:41 PM

I also have no advice for offer, but wanted you to know I was thinking of you. Sending you hugs and blessings. I will be praying for you and your Mom. Sorry for the loss of your Dad.

**Ramona** · 09-13-2011, 08:16 PM

Could you go to some of the activities with her, help her find one or two she likes.

**Missourimom** · 09-13-2011, 11:36 PM

Barb, I work with the elderly and I think you're doing all you can do right now. In all honesty, your dad just passed away and she most likely doesn't want to play bingo or cards or..... She simply needs time and that could take up to a year. She needs time to mourn and then things will start falling in place. Just keep loving her and being there for her like you have.

**Debbie-cat** · 09-14-2011, 12:59 AM

Barb no advice just hugs and a prayer and my sympathy for your Dad.

**Mamaw** · 09-14-2011, 09:48 PM

Thanks to you all for the encouragement and kind words. It's really nice to know I can always go to the village for a friendly ear. HUGS

**mamachop** · 09-14-2011, 10:23 PM

Barb, like others, I have no advice to offer. I just wanted to let you know how very sorry I am to hear about your Dad. You are a wonderful daughter for all that you are doing for your Mom.

I'll keep you all in my prayers. Your Mom is just going to need time to come around and lots of love and support. God bless you all and please let us know how you are all doing.

**Ali Lee** · 09-14-2011, 11:47 PM

In your Mother's admission packet, for state requirements, is a care plan. That care plan has the steps the facility will implement to help with your Mom's adjustment. A care plan meeting between you, Mom, & all departments of the facility will be done in a timely manner. All questions & concerns should be brought up & answered. Before that meeting, I would suggest stopping in & talking with the shift charge nurse about encouraging your Mom to go to the activities. Also talking with the activity director would help. She might have a group of ladies that would welcome another. Ask to have your Mom to sit with friendly ladies @ meals. Ask to have an assistant come & get your Mom for activities. In her room a calendar of activities should be on her bulletin board... go thru the events & highlight the ones she might/may enjoy. Take a walk with your Mom thru the facility & point out areas, such as where to get a cup of coffee, chapel, etc. I'm sure you were given a tour.. but another cruise around wouldn't hurt. Be upbeat when visiting, make a memory book together & a wall hanging of family photographs. AND if she still remembers & enjoys how to fold clothes, be sure to mention this to the activity director. She could be able to help fold cloth napkins or cover ups. (a life saver for busy nurses with dementia pts) Last but not least, read & sing to her. It's amazing how Jesus Loves Me, that childhood song, can lift spirits. Hold your Momma's hand, hug her tightly, and comb her hair. ....and sing.

**Chevelle72** · 09-15-2011, 12:13 AM

I'll second what missourimom said,she simply needs time to grieve. It sounds like you are doing all you can, but most of all just be patient. My prayers for YOU too. god bless!

**madhen** · 09-15-2011, 12:25 AM

It has been less than a month since her husband died, and I suspect she needs some time to grieve him. My mother retreated into her shell for almost two years, and only came out when she was ready to face the world without her husband beside her. Now, 24 years later, she has a routine and her friends, and she is comfortable, although she'll never be as happy as she was as half of a couple. Sometimes, all you can do is what you are doing - be there. One thing I found with my mother, however, was to also make her do some things for herself. She acted totally dependent on her children and would literally throw a crying fit if you suggested that she could do something on her own. I started by insisting she walk out to her own mailbox to get her own mail, and although she didn't talk to me for about two days, she started making that part of her routine. I think it is important, when the time comes, for your mother to realize that she still has a reason to live, still has purpose, and that she can contribute to her own new existence.

**mh3rdwheel** · 09-15-2011, 02:04 PM

Originally Posted by Mamaw

The last few months have been very difficult in my home. My father had a disc removed from his back on 6/8/11. Complications set in and he spent the next 3 months between long term care facilities and hospitals. He then passed away on 8/22/11.

When we started on this rollercoaster, we realized my Mom could not live alone and that both she and Dad needed to move back closer to their children so we could help them. Dad and Mom agreed to this before his passing and we rented a 2 room apartment in a very nice assisted living facility for them.

My Mom moved in and was living there at the time of my fathers passing. Since then she is struggling with grief as well as trying to adjust to living alone. We children are doing all we can to help but we just can't bring Dad back to her. She was very dependent on my Dad and has limited mobility plus some dementia setting in. She has never been a social butterfly and can be a bit gruff at times. But she is a softie underneath.

I am trying to find ways to help her adjust to her situation and her apartment. any hints, suggestions or lessons learned from anyone who has gone through this would be greatly appreciated!

I have been making it a point to spent time with her at several times a week. I take her out shopping, to get her hair done, to have dinner and also bring her to my home to spend time with us. When she is at my home she helps fold laundry and prepare items to cook or can. We watch cooking shows ( which she loves) and talk about old times, family and my Dad. I try to just listen to her express any emotions she is feeling but it is hard for her to vocalize emotions. I intend to continue to spend as much time with Mom as I can but I know as winter sets in it will be less than it is now.

I apologize for the length of this post and know I am rambling a bit but I am really worried about my Mom. I dont know how to help her make friends in the facility or to get her to take part in the activities they have going on. Any hints.....

You are doing a lot to help her out, by bringing her to your house, taking her out to get her hair done. Try putting up pictures to make the place feel more like home. We do this with my mom who is in a nursing home. Jst keep on doin what you are doing. Your doing great.

**frugalfranny** · 09-16-2011, 12:42 PM

Agree with the others, she just needs some time, and each person will handle grief in their own way.

You sound like you are doing what you can. Maybe if you go to some of the activities with her, like the music things, (probably not bingo and cards) she will meet some of the other people and they can help get her more active in the other activities that are offered.

When I volunteered with Friend to Friend I could even ride their
vans/buses to some outside activities.......maybe this would help her too.........you would be a 'buffer' so she isn't alone while
meeting the other people.