preparing for a family meeting with adult children living at home

[mrschris]

Greetings!

I am new here. I'm 42 years old, been married for 21 years, and have a 20 yr old, 19 yr old, 17 yr old, 13 yr old, and 11 yr old. The 20 yr old is going to nursing school, is getting married in Aug, lives at home. The 19 yr old lives at home, also commutes to college, drives one of our vehicles. The 17 yr old is graduating in June, will be living at home commuting to college in the fall, also drives one of our vehicles.

We've called a family meeting on Sunday evening. We need to talk about what our expectations are for our adult kids while they're living at home. As long as they are in school, we don't mind giving them free room and board. That's not even an issue for us. But we do think that they should be paying for their portion of the car insurance, their portion of our cell phone bill (they all have phones), their own gasoline (even to and from college each day), and their clothing needs. I don't mind providing shampoo, soap, other essentials, but if they want a specific brand, I think that they can buy that too. We also expect them to willingly pitch in around the house, and if they bring home a carton of ice cream that they purchased with their own money, they should be willing to share it with the family. I buy ice cream at the grocery store that they eat. I think if they bring treats into the house, they should expect to share.

Are we being unreasonable? What kinds of things have you all done with your grown-up-but-still-dependent children? I know many families that didn't provide a car to drive. Others that gave them a brand new one. (ours are total clunkers, but paid for) But we have had some serious attitude problems with all three of the oldest.

It isn't about money. It really isn't! It's about respect and appreciation and having an understanding of money. They don't have that at all. They'll think nothing of spending their entire paycheck on gas and fast food and ask for more money for more gas because they used all of their last fill up going to a boyfriend/girlfriend's house. I don't see any maturity at all in the area of money.

I give my 17 yr old $10.50 a week for school lunches. A lunch with a non milk drink (she can't have milk) is $2.10. I gave her her $10.50 yesterday morning. Last night she asked me if I had any money so she could go to a game. I said she was welcome to use some of thata $10.50 and then pack a lunch for a few of the days. (She does not have a job, and seriously can't get one until she's out of school because of extra classes she's taking to graduate a year early--long story, but she'll have to wait until June for a job.) It's been a long time coming that I'll even give her the $10.50. I don't really want to discuss that, that part isn't what's bugging me. The fact that she asked me for money after I just gave her the $10.50 is the part that's bugging me!

The other thing we've noticed is that they won't take a word of advice from us. They just don't want to hear it. Now, let me say, that we've got great kids. They don't drink or do drugs or smoke, and they're not out having sex (yes I'm sure, no I'm not a naiive mom). The two oldest work 20-30 hours a week plus pull a full load at college. But there are still attitude issues and money issues that we feel need adressed.

I guess I'm asking for what you all have done, as well as help in knowing what to discuss with our kids. I want to lay out our expectations so that we can perhaps have a more peaceful existence in the home. I'm starting to feel bitter toward my kids, and I don't like that.

If you've read this whole thing, THANK YOU! I look forward to any responses.

mrschris

[SewCrafty]

Hi Mrs Chris welcome to the village!

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. How about they each have to give you x amount of dollars per week for room and board, then when they ask for $$ during the week you can take it out of that? Also by the time they are ready to leave the nest, you will have a tidy little sum to give them to start out with.

I completely agree with sharing of treats. I'm sure they had to share their toys when they were kids, this is no different.

The 17 yr old, if you give them an allowance, same thing, they have to earn it doing chores. And yes they can take lunch to school and make it themselves too.

I don't have kids, but when I was a teen living at home and working (not going to school). I had to give my parents room and board, pay for my car insurance, if the vehicle I was driving needed tires etc... I was expected to pay for them, help around the house etc. Nothing wrong with any of this, pretty soon they will be out on their own and doing everything for themselves. They need to learn the value of a dollar.

Good luck with your family meeting, can't wait to hear the outcome.

[Vannie]

Hi Mrschris,

Welcome to FV. I don't have much advice but when I graduated from HS and had my first job (within 3 months because I had to go looking everyday) I did give my parents 'token' rent. I say token, because I made almost nothing. But I am sure that it was a matter of principle.

I think that you are on target with a family meeting and your expectations. What you are teaching them now, they will keep for life. Concerning 'attitude' kids often think because they are a certain age you can no longer really tell them what to do, even when they are living in your house and eating the food you cook I think most older children go through that. My dad had a "My house, my rules" thing that was pretty tough, but it seemed to be needed with my brothers. You probably won't need to go that far, but your kids should (or must) respect your wishes and your rules.

From where I am looking you are a really good mom. Your children are very lucky. Good luck with your meeting.

[pkellyc]

I am a 45 year old mom with a 20 year old daughter in her 3rd year of college and a 18 year old daughter in her first. They both work to pay for their own cell phones, gas, half of their tution, clothing, entertainment and pay $20 a week towards car insurance. Dd#1 up until this last semester has lived on campus but has decided to live home. So now we have both dd's home and commuting.
They both share my car. Why? I gave them the option of saving money that I would match for them to buy their own cars. They did not. So now they are at my mercy, not liking it, and saving like crazy for their own cars.
Both of the girls are expected to do their own laundry, keep their own rooms clean, which includes spring cleaning them, and do any chores which I ask them to do. For example dishes and vacuming on occasion along with picking up. They are also expected to keep the bathroom clean and free of makeup, hair dryers, ect. and they do.
As far as treats everything in our house is shared reguardless of who bought what.
I do have to say that when dd#1 was living on campus I did pay for her cell phone (they both have their own plan) and car insurance the first year because she did not work. And when they both were in high school and not working I also gave them money for recreation and lunches.
It's funny to see how different my girls are with money dd#1 spends money like water and dd#2 is so frugal she could almost be called cheap. But they do take care of themselves and I am proud of both of them.

[Kimberlina]

Hey, glad to see you over here!

As you know, my DD is little, so I can't give you my opinion from a parent's perspective, but I just wanted to give you some support here.

When I was a teenager, I got a job when I was sixteen, played sports, and was still expected to do well in school. A car was provided for me, but I had to pay for my insurance, my gas, and any extras I wanted. I bought my own car when I was 18, and I was asked to pay token rent then, too. I rebelled and attempted to move out, which was when my patrent's backed off on the paying rent thing. (I was angry because my brother still lived at home and had gotten 6 extra years of not paying any rent before they asked us both to.)

Anyway, my point is, I didn't feel like my parent's were being unreasonable about anything except the rent (and even that wasn't unreasonable in itself- I just didn't like that I had to start paying at 18 when my brother got to wait until he was 24.)

I think it is perfectly reasonable to ask a grown child to take some responsibility. It teaches them a lot and will help their character.

As for the lunch money, maybe your DD just didn't realize that money was for anything but lunch. What did she say when you suggested she take lunch and use the money you gave her? I know I wouldn't have used lunch money for anything but lunch w/o permission. And as a matter of fact, I think I started buying my own lunch once I got a job. (Which I understand she will not be able to do until school is over.)