Just found forum...need to vent a bit

**MessyKat** · 12-27-2006, 05:57 PM

I just found the "Third Agers"...I'm over 40 (41 to be exact)...no kids (except the 4 legged ones), no grandkids...and I'm single.

I just need someone to talk to and I know this group of people are the very best in the world.

This is the first time I've logged in since June 9, 2006 (which was the date of my 41st birthday). A lot has happened to me since then. Some people might remember that I was debating over moving back to Va to be with my Mom. She has stage 3 lung cancer.

In early July my Mother's brother died from problems related to his chemotherapy. In late July my Dad was diagnoised with throat cancer. He lasted 5 weeks and died on August 30.

I have since moved in with my Mom to help take care of her. In September they gave her 2 - 4 months to live. She is still with us and I have to admit this struggle is getting to be more than I can take.

It is not that I don't want to take care of her, it is more of being tired and feeling guilty. I feel that many of my family members are totally against me, including my mother. I don't do anything to suit her. Everything I do is wrong. I know she is sick and I feel guilty for getting mad because I am doing absolutely everything I can.

As I think about it, I find that what upsets me is the fact that she complains about everything I do and the way I do it. She is not doing this because she is sick. She has done it her whole life. I've never been good enough...never will be. I guess I should just accept it.

I feel so alone. When Mom is gone I feel as though I won't have anyone. Someone who doesn't like you is better than no one at all. I know Mom loves me, but she really doesn't like me. We have different views on everything.

Well I just needed to vent a bit. To anyone who reads this, thanks for listening to me.

**wanderlusting** · 12-27-2006, 06:09 PM

Sorry you have to go through this....all I can offer is a great big

**banana** · 12-27-2006, 06:24 PM

I too am sorry for all that you are going through. We are here whenever you need to talk.

**SewCrafty** · 12-27-2006, 06:51 PM

You have my deepest sympathy for your losses.

I'm sorry your mom is acting that way to you. I'm sure she is very scared and lashing out at who ever is closest, which happens to be you.

Is there anyone around that can give you a break once in a while? Check with your local chapter of the American Cancer Society, maybe they have volunteers that would be willing to sit with your mom and visit so you can get a much needed break.

You can vent anytime to us, that is what we are here for.

**Jill B.** · 12-27-2006, 09:57 PM

I am sorry for your losses and for what you are going through. I agree that you may need caregiver's respite. You can also get a visiting nurse to come in and be with your mother while you are "out doing errands". Also, hospice care provides counseling for you as well as your mom. Call your local hospital because they may have numbers for you to call.

I was never good enough for my mother either. She always found something to criticise me for. I dreaded her annual visit and sometimes I would cry at night because it was so terrible. She could not accept me for who I was because I was different than how she wanted me to be. She died suddenly when I was 31 and for years I struggled with the idea that she didn't love me. One of my brothers told me that she loved me as much as she was capable of loving. She didnt love me in the way I wanted or needed to be loved but she did love me as much as she could and in her own way. That helped me tremendously. Your post makes it seem like you know this about your mother. She does love you but you are two different adults.

Get the care and help you need to deal with your mother's physical problems and your own emotional ones. Reach out to us here and hopefully we can help you.

**sondance** · 12-28-2006, 09:29 AM

First of all I hope you realize that she has a problem and it is not you or anything you have or haven't done. Usually people treat their children the same way they were treated as a child. It doesn't make it right or ok but it happens. I'm sure this has left you with emotional scars. No one can escape at least some trauma from a relationship like this. I urge you to find a counselor to go to where you can pour out all your feelings on this matter. Not only can they guide you in dealing with her but they can also help you heal so that when your mother is gone you can go on and have healthy relationships with others. Also call your local hospice and speak with them about a caregiver or if not that maybe they can recommend something. You really do need a break from time to time for your mental and physical health.

I will be praying for you.

**pkellyc** · 12-28-2006, 04:11 PM

I have cared for a parent, who died at home from cancer. I had help though, I had people who came in to attend to his personal care, showers, sponge baths, ect.. I also had hospice come in to give us all a break from each other and sisters close by to sit with him. Still it was tough on my family, my girls were in grammar school and my DH was a saint as far as attention to him went. Without all these people I am not sure how I would have coped. So I agree with the others who suggest getting that help.
My dad would get angry with me every time I would run the vacuum cleaner, the noise seemed to really irritate him, my kids would squabble, driving him up the wall. I annoyed him when I was on the phone. Everything just was magnified a thousand times. A lot of this was due to not only his condition but his medication as well. (irritability was a side effect) So the doctors tried to sedate him resulting in his falling and stumbling. I stopped the meds and just dealt with it. Waiting for death is no easy task not for them or you and I am so sorry your going through it but, I do strongly suggest getting some help it will make things better for you and your mother.

**ThriftyWife** · 12-28-2006, 04:27 PM

You must be exhausted, physically and emotionally. It is SO hard to be a caregiver, even harder when you feel like you're not appreciated. I was caregiver for my difficult mother-in-law, then for my father-in-law a year later, and all along was the helper for my husband's twin brother who suffered from Type 1 diabetes. I do understand how you're feeling just now.

Hospice can/should and WILL help, if you aren't utilizing their services you might consider finding out more. Hospice is free, and at that ending-stages point the medications became free too, this is not charity and it's not income-based care. My inlaws had their medications delivered to the house, the nurses came to the house too, to check vitals and such. They were an emotional support to me too. And 3 times a week an aid came to do a bath/change sheets/catheter, etc. And they taught me how to give the care, that was a big help when snide remarks were made...I was doing things according to doctor's orders.

My mother-in-law passed away in 1995, my father-in-law died the next year, and my husband's twin died 2 years later. I am glad we were able to move to them, as hard as it was we would do it again.

Just remember that you've got to take care of yourself first. Feel free to message me if you need to vent...

**MessyKat** · 12-28-2006, 06:23 PM

I want to thank you all for you kind loving words and support. My Mom is with hospice and while the nurse visits twice per week and any other time we feel we need her my Mom doesn't want to use the volunteers etc. She expects me to do it all.

What I need is backbone enough to tell her that I also need help. She complains so much about everything I do that I'm just about ready to give up.

My oldest brother will be visiting next weekend, I am going to ask them to stay a few extra days so I can go to Tennessee for a few days. (TN is my home, VA is Mom's home).

I can't stay online long tonight and will post as I can.

Thank you all!

**Darlene** · 12-28-2006, 09:00 PM

Just my 2 cents, if you don't take care of you, you can't take care of her. Not selfish at all but you come first. As far as the abuse goes, take it with a grain of salt, consider the source but know you do not deserve nor need to take it. Things get nasty, time to call in the troops to help.
You have been kind & loving and the rest of the family need to deal with their own, they will think & believe what they will. Plenty of things for them to reflect upon. Hold your head high and don't be afraid to say no and know that you can only do your best. The rest will have to deal.

**PrairieRose** · 12-28-2006, 10:58 PM

I'm sorry that you have to deal with this and feel so alone.

I really think you should contact hospice and see what if any help they can offer you. You'd be surprised how much just a little help will relieve on you. Hang in there. You are doing the loving the thing.....if it were easy everyone would be doing it.

**frugalfoster** · 12-28-2006, 11:08 PM

MessyKat, I lost my mother to lung cancer 6 years ago now. Taking care of her was probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I was lucky, she was my best friend and so I didn't have the same issues as you did. However, I think that it still came with an enormous amount of stress. It
is like you are stuck between being the daughter and being the health care worker. It doesn't give you much time to feel like you are doing either role very well. And you feel guilty for feeling some of the emotions that you feel. But you need to know that even when you have the best of relationship with your parent, there will always be those times when the situation overcomes you. Your mom is hard on you, but you are doing the very best you can for her. You are there for her, she knows it, but she is not vocalizing her appreciation to you. Here's where the situation gets tougher, you don't want to remember her in this way. It sounds like she is taking out her anger on what is happening to her on you. That's rough, and I am sorry that it is happening. The only thing I can tell you is that when her life is over, you will have your grief to deal with, BUT you will not have any reason to feel any guilt. You were there for her when she needed you and be assured that she knew it. You are doing something right.....you are there! When I told my brother that our mother had lung cancer his response was "this is not a very good time for this to be happening."...my response was "when is it ever a good time to get lung cancer?" I never really saw my brother for the two years following her diagnosis and he was absolutely no help during her treatment.....he moved soon after her death and has had no contact with me since....I did hear he had a nervous breakdown........I'm sure guilt has a role in that.....take care of yourself. You need time to get away and recharge your batteries. You cannot live with this 24/7 without some time away.....if you need someone to talk to ....p/m me I'll be thinking of you

**ubumartin** · 12-29-2006, 08:54 AM

She may treat you the way she does because she feels a total loss of control of her situation. I worked in a nursing home for 17 years and usually the one family member who did the most would get the worst treatment. I would see some daughters in there day after day but the daughter who never visits would come in and be treated like a princess. She loves you and depends on you and deep down she appreciates you more than she can express. You have to insist on using the volunteers even if she doesnt want them. You need to take care of yourself and then you can better deal with her when you need to. Maybe by taking time away she will appreciate you when you are there. I am sorry for all that you have been through these past months. You need to keep yourself healthy. Big hugs to you!

**MessyKat** · 01-04-2007, 02:25 PM

Originally Posted by Darlene

Just my 2 cents, if you don't take care of you, you can't take care of her. Not selfish at all but you come first. As far as the abuse goes, take it with a grain of salt, consider the source but know you do not deserve nor need to take it. Things get nasty, time to call in the troops to help.
You have been kind & loving and the rest of the family need to deal with their own, they will think & believe what they will. Plenty of things for them to reflect upon. Hold your head high and don't be afraid to say no and know that you can only do your best. The rest will have to deal.

Darlene, thanks so much for this. I keep telling myself that it is them and not me, and then I turn around a feel guilty.

I have asked one of my brothers to stay a few extra days when he and his family come home this weekend. He told me he would see what he could do but not to count on it.

I'm tired and I seriously need a break. I'm grouchy as all getout and I do not want to subject my mother to my moods. I'm going to look into other options as well.

Again, I thank you all for listening to me and assisting me. You are truly answers to my prayers.

**MessyKat** · 01-04-2007, 02:32 PM

Again I want to say thank you to all of you. I am going through a difficult time and I am sorry others have had to do the same. I think most of the insight I have had is that my Mom has always been this way.

I have always been expected to do it all and had her use guilt to get what she wants. She even told me one day she would use guilt to get me to do what ever she wanted.

For some reason I expected her to change. I don't know why...she's always been like this, she is not going to change just because she is sick. I guess we all hold on to that dream of the "perfect family".

I know I will get through this, just as I am getting through the death of my father. I feel there are other things out there for me and I am getting daily lessons now that will assist me later on.

I appreciate and love all of you.

Thank you so much.