I'm just so lonely! Finding a purpose(Very Long)

[bee9984]

Dd#1 is gone again tonight to a friends for a sleep over, Dd #2 is at her friends chalet till Sunday and Dh is in bed and the cat just went outside.

I can't picture this my life, what I mean is, I need something. Maybe a trip? Maybe I should go and visit my mother?

I watched Oprah this evening her show was titled "The Age of Miracles: The New Midlife" and I feel like that is exactly what I am going through. One lady on there said that "She doesn't know who she is anymore."

I feel like that, my kids still need me but not like they use to. Dh travels for work sometimes, like next week he is gone for most of the week and I just feel so lonely. Not the type of lonely that I want to be with someone else, I couldn't even imagine that, but just a lonely like what is my purpose right now.

Maybe I am having a break down? I don't think that is what it is but I said to Dh a couple of nights ago that I would like for us to go on a trip next year, maybe to Europe or Australia for a week to ten days and he said that he couldn't go that long with his new business.........so, I told him........that if that isn't possible for him to take a week or so off once a year then I was going to spend money and go to next years Grammy Awards! I mean really, what kind of come back was that from me???

He told me that we can start going to Montreals live theatres if I want etc.....but looked as if I had grown an extra head or two when I mentioned the Grammys lol.

I am terrified of the thought of spending a night alone in this house....odd I know.

He also mentioned that I can start going on trips with him but the girls are at the age where I have to be "Here" whether they are or not. They are not old enough yet to be left home alone.

I feel like I am missing out on something, I have no clue what it is. I am not one for shopping and dread paying half of the prices stores charge.

I would like to start dumpster diving and looked it up a few years ago, and again after the Oprah show yesterday but there are no groups at the present in my area.

My friend had called me yesterday while the Oprah show was on and was telling me how horrified she was about people being Freegans, I said "oh, you mean dumpster diving" she was shocked that I new exactly what she was talking about and that I would also actually do that. Before I mentioned about looking into it a few years ago she was going "ewwwwwwwww"....then I told her about the website for our province, there just wasn't anything going on in "our"area.....

I imagine my co-workers would be shocked too but if I could, let me just say "Yes, I would!"

Material things are not important to me and I often wonder how my kids got to where they are. I imagine it is from seeing how their friends live. It really doesn't matter when I tell them that possibly they have to pay x number of $ before they own that paticular vehicle, or that they may never own their home etc....Dd #1 answer to that is:" So, everyone finances everything, that is the only way anyone can get ahead." Even Dh for Pete's sakes, he mentioned to me yesterday that for his new business he wants to get a line of credit through the bank! I was horrified........I said why?????? You have no overhead, what you make right now will go directly into your business account, we will use maybe 1/3 or your profits but that is it. I told him that this was the 2nd time he mentioned this and to please, promise me that he won't do that and he hesitated! I told him if he did do that I would be rip roaring mad ....finally he promised but with the hesitation in the first place I told him that I would find out whether it be checking his mail or whatever.

why are material things and financing so important to some people? most people? Who in the heck cares about material things, that is so shallow.

I mean my girls are pretty much horrified when I want to shop at value village or the salvation army. I can't help who I am, I have been like this since my late teens/early 20's. I am not perfect by any means, I go out for supper like last night but normally I only do this maybe 3 or 4 times a year.......and any take out I do maybe5 or 6 times a year like the other night with a chicken dinner from the grocery store IGA. But yet I am weird.

Our furniture is second hand except for our bedroom set. That cost us which was 1/2 price and even though it wasn't my dream bedroom set I kept thinking ok solid Oak,that can be passed down through the generations as it is so solid.

Sometimes lately I just wonder, what is my purpose cause I don't seem to be making a difference in our home.

[luvs2scrapbk]

Oh bee9984, have you gone on Oprah.com? I just registered for her virtual classroom starting on Monday with Ekhart Toole, the author of her new book club pick, " A New Earth" it is all about finding our purpose here on earth!
It might just be what the Dr. ordered .....?

[bee9984]

I havn't registered because you need the book to go through the steps, I don't know, maybe I will go to see how much it costs at the bookstore lol. It did look interesting though I must admit .

Thanks for your reply, I really appreciate and needed it right now

[luvs2scrapbk]

I know it is hard sometimes, with life changes, I remember feeling that way when my kids were teenagers, ( my dd is 27 and my ds is 23) I could really feel them going out in the world, and life as I knew it was changing forever. I learned to fill my life with crocheting, scrapbooking, geneology and other crafts.

I lost my job in October and my dear mom in November, so the past " keeping myself busy" activities were helpful.

Also, I went and bought the book for my daughter tonight at Wal Mart, it was $9.64. I was hoping to learn from the class since I didn't buy a book for myself. So I guess well see, God bless....

[luvs2scrapbk]

Candy, isn't that an amazing song, it tells it all!

Also Bee, when I lost my mom, all I could think about was we should have went out to lunch more often, I wish I would have watched "that" movie with mom, why didn't I tell her "this" or ask her " that". So yes, I vote for a visit with your mom. It is such a loss when we are no longer a daughter...............

[pip]

I feel that way sometimes. Life is changing, and I know that I am, too. Are you able to get some exercise during the day? I know that a daily long walk helps me cope with so many of these feelings I'm having.

[mombottoo]

((((hugs))))) You aren't having a breakdown, you are reaching a new phase/reality of life. I feel the same way a lot of the time and my youngest is going to be 25 shortly. I have to admit though now, I tend to feel that way more often than not when my husband has been a jerk and he's been jerky a lot lately. There can be 25 people in a room and I still feel lonely...so I definitely get what you are saying.

I rarely worked while the kids were growing so I was a SAHM 99% of the time and I did a lot of volunteer work. Once the kids grew up, they didn't need me (in the same way) so I had to redefine my purpose...(still working on that one). I am just starting to realize that part of the reason I never spent money on myself is because I felt like I didn't deserve to spend money on me...since I didn't work outside the home.

Do you like to read? Maybe you could join a book club through your local library. I know our library offers such groups and it would give you a chance to socialize with people you have something in common with. Or, if you do enjoy the theater perhaps you could volunteer to work on a local production??? Our high school looks for adult volunteers to work with the kids and we have other theater groups that have casting calls for various plays.

I hope you are feeling better soon, nothing bites more than feeling lousy about where we are in our lives or feeling like we are invisible.

[happimommi]

I don't feel so alone now after reading your post. My 4oth birthday is approaching and it is really bothering me. My kids are all in school and I am starting to feel uselses. As you said, I am not quite sure who I am? Do I get a job, go back to school or what? I think part of my restlessness is because of the long winter we are stuck in. Sometimes I just feel old and useless.

[PrairieRose]

Bee I went through something very similar when my youngest left home for college. The truth for me was I didn't know who I was without my children to define me. Now, 7 years later I do know. I am a stay at home wife (I choose not to work with my dh's blessings), I don't see a lot of people in the course of everyday life but I stay happily busy and am finding new ways to be creative and have fun and explore other facets of my personality. It is a very scarey time, when your children are growing up and away.....I always try to imagine what it must have been like in pioneer days when a mother would watch a son saddle up with his few, worldly possessions and ride off....wondering if she would ever see him again or not. At least today we know we can reach them by cell phone (!). I do understand what you're feeling and my best suggestions would be; take time to feel what you're feeling, journal it and explore why you feel so lonely. Also, journal about the things you've always wanted to do, make plans to do some of them and do some really wonderful things for yourself. Start getting some sunshine and exercise everyday, eat well, rest up and meditate on your heart's desires. You'll be surprised at how the loneliness will ease up, the confidence to do some new and different things will come and before long you'll feel full and busy again. (it is a process and it doesn't happen overnight though )

[Cricket1]

I just wanted to say that I'm not in the same boat--my kids are still young, but all of you ladies are an inspiration to me. I love how we all pull together to help one another.

[bee9984]

Thanks so much everyone for the wonderful replies and encouragement

I do love to read, I order books from an online discount place called bookcloseouts about once or twice a year, right now I find that I am rereading my books as it has been awhile since I have ordered any. Our library is very small and a lot of the books there are older ones.

I started working part time at our school this past September as a lunch supervisor and also have just started about a month or so ago helping the little ones get on their school buses after school so this gives me a couple of hours work a day through the week. I was walking to work but with all of the snow we have it is pretty much impossible for safety reasons not to mention how cold it gets here. When I had started walking it would take me 30 to 35 minutes each way, I was so out of shape but after about 3 weeks it would take me 15 to 20 to walk each way but then shortly after that the snow hit. I have been getting a ride with a co-worker/friend.

We have also bought a gym membership for the family for on the military base, because dh is retired military we got an excellent deal. I also had joined an aerobics class with a friend for Monday and Wednesday evenings there but I honestly can say that I just didn't like it at all. My friend and I are going to start going to work on the excerise equiptment next week after my bus shift for an hour instead.

Through the week(school nights) the girls are home (our ds 23 lives and works in another province) but other then seeing them first thing in the morning or at the supper table that is pretty much it as far as socializing anyhow lol.Soccer season will be here soon though, so that means this summer lots of picnics and games.

I really need to take a look inside myself and figure out who am I really, especially now. I know who I was before and more of my time was needed for family. I don't mind aging, I just need "something" more to fill this empty void and I am not sure what that is or what I would enjoy doing.

I have all of this time on my hands, we only have one vehicle which dh uses for work so when I am not working I am pretty much at home right now. Maybe I could try volunteering in a soup kitchen for the homeless. Even if it is just a one time thing, I could try this on a Saturday/Sunday. I don't speak French though but even just being there will help me spiritually. Dh speaks french so I think that I will get him to look into this for me....it's a thought anyhow.

[Darlene]

This song was my song when the kids both moved out of the house at the same time pretty much. I felt overwhelmed and I had to give myself permission to just feel what you are feeling now and learn to let go. I still don't know whats ahead but I know I'm going to be OK.
I like the volunteering idea you had. Wishing you well!
Oh since you like performers, how about becoming one yourself? Go ahead & get involved in local theater!

Landslide

I took my love, I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
till the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love
Can the child within my heart rise above
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life

Well, Ive been afraid of changing
cause Ive built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
Im getting older too

Oh, take my love, take it down
Climb a mountain and turn around
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide will bring it down

If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well maybe the landslide will bring it down

[Dancing Lotus]

I havn't registered because you need the book to go through the steps, I don't know, maybe I will go to see how much it costs at the bookstore lol. It did look interesting though I must admit .

Thanks for your reply, I really appreciate and needed it right now

To find your purpose in life is worth more then the cost of any book. IF you are interested then you should do it.

I found my purpose in life in a book, you just might too.

[Michelle]

I could have written your post, Bee, and my kids are probably even younger than yours (10 1/2, 8). My life is so centered around them, that I am worried that when they don't need me on a daily basis (ie move out of the house), I won't know what to do with myself.

I'm already having issues now as it is. It's something I think about daily.

I don't have any advice for you, but I wanted you to know that you're not alone.

[jamie79]

Are you people living my life? I say this as ods was just home for 24 hours, long enough to do some laundry, get a meal and a few things before heading off with his friends for his college spring break. Yds is 16 but he will be gone before I can blink an eye. Oh man