Taking Care of Parents

[very_inky_fingers]

Both of my parents are deceased but my husband's mother is now 85 and living in Florida. She comes up to MA every summer and spends the her time between staying with another relative and staying week-ends with us.
She is a very nice person but I am really not so nice.
I was injured at work seven years ago and don't work outside the home. I am in a lot of pain and thus I am not really good company. However, I am the type of person who will smile and say I am fine...no problem. Well, his mom is a constant talker; about the past, about other people, about stuff that other people do (really a warning that she doesn't want you to do it) and I am serious she hardly takes a breath. Unlike my hubby who can read or watch tv during her talking I have to pay attention and respond. She is a VERY light sleeper and wakes up if a pin drops. You are not allowed to flush a toilet during the night. Haaa!!!! I have gone so far as to have a coffee pot and television down in our unfinished cellar where there is no heat so that I will not disturb her until she gets up at 10 a.m. I get up at 5 every day. That is FIVE hours in the cellar!
She has been thinking of moving up here "close to her son" and I really need help. Are there any courses I can take that will teach me how to set up boundaries? I really could not live like that more than three days a week for three months. I really do sound like a monster! My husband is a real mama's boy but even he knows it is difficult. She has hinted about an inlaw apartment but I am sure she would be here most of the day. Any good suggestions to help me be a good daughter-in-law? I am feeling even more selfish after writing this. Arghhh!

[Marie78]

I don't think you are selfish at all. I am trying to picture having my fiance's mother with us 24/7. My first thought was thank God I would be gone 9 hours during the work week. Then I realized that's no help to you and it's much harder for you because you are home all day.

I would try to figure out a way for you to be able to make your coffee and get up and around each day without having to do it all in the cellar. That's not fair to you, maybe she could find a small apt. somewhere. That way she wouldn't be at your house until after she was up and around...not until 12pm at least! Then if she's anything like my grandma she would hopefully leave right after dinner for her apt. to go to bed early.

I'm sorry, it sounds like a tough situation and I don't envy you. I hope other's have more ideas for you.

[C@rol]

Not to be insensitive but...
Why does she get to run your house?
I mean to say that sure she is a guest, and you want
to make her comfortable but how does she get to
determine when your household starts. I'd be darn
if I would be tipping around my own house.

Sorry if I offend you not my intention. But I think
mom may need her own place.

Just my opinion.

[wanderinggrandma]

Oh WOW! I think you have been a saint. I would suggest getting/taking control now, before the great move. When she comes this year have a pair of ear plugs ready for her and suggest with a smile that she will need them at night. Explain that you know she is a light sleeper and want her to be able to get her rest, but that your household runs on a different schedule than she does. Then don't cater to her quiet demands.

As for your DH reading the paper and ignoring her chatter, been there/done that. My DH now listens to it. We had a couple of "conversations" about ignoring his DM or his leaving the room to go "work" on the computer. It did take several "conversations" and I must confess the last time he tried the computer manuver I whispered in his ear that I was leaving to go visit my sister. (My sister lives 3 states away.)

I sincerely wish you good luck resolving this. I usually felt like a crummy DIL by the time my MIL's visits ended. No matter how hard I try, I don't measure up to her expectations and she freely tells the world and it still hurts. I'm very relieved that she now lives several states away and seldom comes to visit.

[M55FF]

I can totally relate to what you are saying abiut your MIL not because of my own family but because I'm a nurse and when people know they ( for decades) thought it was an invite to tell me all their problems.
I hate whiners...... because I have my own troubles, my own aches and pains and I deal with them quietly....
I know misery likes company and these people tend to attract each other.. sometimes I guess they think I may be one of them.
I'm not unsympathetic to peoples issues but some people do just like to whine and start trouble.
Sometimes they ask what you think and when you tell them, they get mad and carry grudges, real silly... but thats how they are.

You can take a cue from your husband and not listen so closely ( hopefully she can read body language) ... you can get some earphones so you can listen to the TV and not disturb her ( or wake her)
but you have to live their too so working on your boundries is the BEST thing you can do.
Your going to have to quit REACTING to her and use defensive communication...

and learn key phases, like
"gee, thats too bad"... and go on your way and away from her or at least follow the sentence up by telling her you were in the middle of doing something and sorry to cut her short but maybe the conversation can be had at another time.

You can get loads of info online about boundries but you have to start appling them to make them work.
I wish you the best.



here is some stuff I found online to get you started...
__________________What is a boundary and what does it mean to set your boundaries? A boundary is a DIVIDING LINE between you and anyone else, even a loved one. The line represents both physical and emotional limits others may not VIOLATE. A boundary, when crossed by others, will create intense feelings of anger, hurt, outrage, etc. To set your boundaries is to stop anyone, even your most loved one, from crossing the line with you.

WHY SET BOUNDARIES?

Setting boundaries is not disrespectful, bad or wrong. In fact, boundaries make you feel SAFE in your environment and actually prevent you from being hurt. Personal boundaries are healthy, good for you. Setting boundaries raises your sense of self-worth, your self-esteem, because you are sending yourself the message that you are WORTHY of care.

Moreover, setting boundaries makes others feel safe around you. Boundaries let people know what you want and don't want. And more importantly, boundaries let people know what your LIMITS are. This gives your loved ones the security of knowing your relationship GUIDELINES, eliminating their fears about how they should behave with you. When you set boundaries, people in your life know exactly what they cannot do around you.

DRAWING THE LINE

Boundaries are innate, natural to every being. And, each person has his own INTERNAL INDICATOR of when the line is being crossed. What are your boundaries? Where do you draw the line? To find out, think of instances in the past year when you felt intense dark emotions in RESPONSE to something done or said to you. More likely than not, your boundaries were being crossed. Now, what does that tell you about where your line is? What does that tell you about what cannot be done or said to you without hurting you? If you come up with some answers, you may want to write them down. Otherwise, they may be forgotten.

Next, EDUCATE people in your life about your boundaries. Be careful not to make people wrong for their past behavior toward you. Instead, calmly inform them about what they can and cannot do around you. As you do, you will notice that some will easily comply with your request. Others will continue to treat you poorly. The following boundary-setting process will help you further educate people who ignore or INVADE your boundaries. Five progressive steps to take when someone exhibits unacceptable behavior toward you (for this to have a lasting effect, your voice must remain NEUTRAL at all times; begin at step one, and move to the next step only if your boundary is being ignored):

______________________________________________________________________________

[M55FF]

keep in mind too, she could have emotional problems... like being bi-polar
( trouble making tendencies).... or even dementia ( after all she is old and about 47 % of people over 80 have dementia according to what I've read).

A little kindness may go a long way with her as in 30 minutes quality time with her a day ( she may just seek attention) as she is someone who seems to get shuffled around by relatives maybe to decrease anyones load with her ( and dealing with her as she does seem to have some personality flaws that are annoying)

There is nothiong wrong with you setting boundries but at her age, they may not be remembered... so the best thing you can do is maybe to ignore her or at least NOT RESPOND to anything she says.

I feel bad for you, I know how tough it was for me before I learned to set them with people around me, but when I did. woah......................
!!!!

my life changed for ther better !

[AmyMCGS]

I don't think you're being selfish at all. Your own home should be a place for you to relax, and wanting to have coffee in your own kitchen, or have some peace and quiet without playing "hostess" all the time are perfectly reasonable expectations.

The next time she visits, I'd cease with the tiptoeing around your own house. There's no reason you need to be hiding in your own cellar at a reasonable morning hour. This might ruffle her feathers a bit, but I'd explain that with your pain it's just not possible for you to accomodate her "no noise" rule anymore. It might also clue her in to the fact that she doesn't run your house now, and if she moved nearby, she wouldn't run your house then, either.

[M55FF]

you can always too......

but HER some earplugs !
so she won't be bothered by the normal
activity in YOUR house.



lol

[AmyMCGS]

Me again. Decided to tell you why I could relate to your situation, but couldn't edit my post above.


My husband's grandma (long story, but she's more like his mother) lived nearby for many years. This woman has some mental issues, and has been used to being the queen of her family since she was young-- all of my in-laws jump to her every whim, no matter how unreasonable. She started making comments here and there about how we'd "have" to take her in when she got "old". DH and I talked about it, and DH straight out told her that that wouldn't be possible due to our schedules and the kids. She pouted, but she got over it. There was NO WAY I could live with her, and really, I don't feel selfish about that-- it's not like she was living on the streets or anything-- and she has other relatives. She now lives about twenty minutes away with DH's aunt & uncle, which was a great relief.

[M55FF]

Here is a short story:

You: Mother in law, you sweet woman, you are so kind and respectful of us that I bought these earplugs for you so that in the night WE do not bother YOU from getting your rest. If these don't work, we can get some bigger ones...
or some headphones so YOU can watch the TV in private and in peace without distractions from US.

lol
( turn it all around )

like your doing her a favor.
lol

[very_inky_fingers]

Thank you so much for your encouragement. I really do give her a bit too much control here. She doesn't really get shuffled around to relatives...she has been coming north for the summer for 20 years and has always stayed at the same relatives house. It is only since my hubby and I married that she has been staying here on week-ends. Before that there was no bed...I fixed up a guest room. Haaaaaa!!!! Not the brightest bulb on the tree am I?
It is the way she tells HORROR stories about OTHERS that manipulates me to do what she wants and more. She talks on and on about relatives who are NOT quiet, make the bed wrong, or who flush the toilet in the middle of the night and by hearing it enough you don't want to do it figuring she will be talking about you next! I call her the master manipulator so it would be great to offer the earplugs! I am buying a case of them tonight. LOL...half for me and half for her! I love the whispering in the hubby's ear..."I'm going to visit my sister." LOL Three states away...priceless!! Thank you all.

[M55FF]

you may also try some music she enjoys from her time... to soothe her ( she sounds grouchy)
they say music can soothe even savage beasts !

Find out what she likes and get her a sony walkman with a headset...
give her something to do other than whine/ bytch moan and groan.

hers the senerio:
Hello wonderful MIL, how wonderful you look today. I was thinking about you and thought since I was going to the music store today i could pick you up a resording of your favorite song or band... what do you like ?
lawrence welk? Glenn Miller?

[mombottoo]

You are not a 57 year old woman to your mil, you are a kid and you will be a kid in her eyes until the day she dies. She's 85!!! People her age tend to be like that and even those younger than her. My dad will be 70 soon, I will be 50 soon and to him I am still a kid (even though he thought he was old when he was my age )! My grandma (my dad's mom) is 90, to her my dad is still a kid and he complains because that's how she relates to him...makes me crack up!!!

Your mil sounds like most of the very elderly people I know, they like to talk and they like to tell stories and they like to have people pay attention to them and they repeat these stories endlessly until sometimes you feel like you want to pull your hair out. Me, I smile, I nod and I let them talk...you know why? I listen out of respect, respect for their age, their wisdom and for the pure fact that old people tend to die off and I may not get the chance to listen to them tomorrow. Life is fleeting and some elderly people just get lonely and need to know someone is listening.

I'm surprised she sleeps until 10, most of the elderly people I know get up before the roosters even crow! I think the ear plugs for her are a good idea, that way her sleep won't be disturbed and you can still go about your business.

[very_inky_fingers]

Oh I smile and nod! Since I lost my mom in 2002 after a long bout with cancer I really am so aware of here today gone tomorrow. I guess that is why I feel so darn guilty. I suppose I could up my pain med's and go to sleep for a few months. LOL She really is nice just demanding in a manipulative type of way. She does like music but gets really mad if the music is not "her music" and she is not a reader so she doesn't like it when her son and I read...which I am afraid we both do constantly. I really appreciate all of your perspectives. It is helpful to hear I am not a total .

[Fotobug]

I don't know about "courses" but there is a book - a series of books actually - appropriately named "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It helped me a ton. They also have one that I haven't read yet but that might be appropriate for your situation: "How to Have That Difficult Conversation You've Been Avoiding."

I can really imagine how that whole situation crept up on you slowly - all of a sudden you're a prisoner in your own home and you aren't sure how it happened.

Good luck!