Widow's group

**memeclaus** · 10-04-2011, 01:51 AM

Widow for 29 years, 3 months and 2 days today. Youngest daughter is 29 years, 2months and 26 years old today. Raised 3, ateenager, a toddler, and a newborn alone without any family help. We are all close and live within 4 miles of each other. 2 SIL's, 2 grandsons, 2 step-grandsons we see twice a year, and 2 granddaughters, 1 fur child, 2 granddogs, 3 grandcats, and 1 grandrabbit. Son and I are roomates and take care of each other through heart problems, cancer and other problems (me), copd and chron's disease (him).
Best advice I ever got was from a professor of mine. "Two parent families aren't always the best, a strong family is the best, whether the parent(s) are single, married, straight, gay or whatever." Those words of wisdom helped when "people" would say you need to get married so your kids have 2 parents. Silly people they have a father!

**oheoh's momma** · 10-04-2011, 04:26 PM

I lost my first husband 12 years ago. I remarried 10 years ago. WE had lots of marital problems but was still sad for my daughter to lose her father. My second spouse Current is a wonderful father to my daughter. He still does not replace her dad. Being a widow is very hard emotionally on the surviving spouse. I dealt with survivor guilt. He died the day I filed for divorce. I am so sorry for all your losses and you have an sympathetic ear with me.

**kaurand554** · 10-04-2011, 08:15 PM

I have been on an off of frugal village for many years.... so I was surprised to see this category included in the "new posts" list....

I am approaching my 45th b-day.... and 5 years without my loving hubby.....

For some reason I feel like my 45th b-day, should be a re-start of my life....... not sure how...........I want to stop being disengaged.....I want to live.......... and not be afraid of the future anymore......

**Susan L Berger** · 09-24-2012, 12:54 AM

I see this was posted almost year ago....I found this hoping to connect with some other widows as I became one this past July. I will be turning 50 this year...he would have been 58 in November. I am starting a grieving group that the hospice social worker is starting in Oct...hoping it will help. I am not looking forward to the holidays...but last year was bad too since he was so sick. I feel very lost.

**SueBee49** · 09-24-2012, 08:17 AM

Hi, Susan. It appears this is not a very active thread, doesn't it?

I am a widow of many, many years. My young husband died in 1977. The first few years were tough. I can remember with perfect clarity when I finally began to feel OK and it was almost 4 years after his death. We weren't married long, either, so I can only imagine the difficulty for those in long term marriages. The anniversary of his death just passed and it was kind of sad because, after all these years, it was the first year it slipped past without me remembering until the day after.

It's good you are going to the grief group. It really helps to be able to talk with others. If you don't have family near, start planning something now for the holidays. Those are tough times for any of us living alone, whether by choice, death, distance, or divorce. You might find others in your group to plan things with.

**pammy** · 09-27-2012, 12:48 PM

I'm new to it, but would like to join. Finances sure make an impact with the loss of a spouse, which I will be learning soon enough. Am very glad to already be a member of this wonderful site and feel I will need it more than ever now.

**SueBee49** · 09-27-2012, 06:46 PM

Hi Pammy. I'm sorry about the loss of your husband. From all I was able to read, he had a rather lengthy illness. That's such an emotional strain for the family.

I have one piece of advice to offer and it's something I learned the hard way. I know it's going to sound rather trite, but let yourself experience the grief that will come your way. And it will come at odd times. When my husband died, I was in school, extremely busy with that and other things going on and instead of giving in to the grief, it was almost like I put myself on a time schedule according the the stages of grief. "OK, I'm going to feel this for ____ time. That's over. Now I'm going to go through this stage for ___ time." The only thing that accomplished was delaying the things I needed to live through and experience. It really is true that you bounce back and forth between lots of stages and they are going to come and go as they will and not "on a schedule." Surround yourself with things and people that make you feel good but also allow yourself all the time you need to feel sad. It's different for everyone. And yes, there will be financial impacts but hopefully, those will be few. You might want to check to see if you are eligible for any benefits such as VA, social security, etc.
The other thing I would say to you...it's OK to laugh and have fun. Sometimes we, ourselves, or others tend to make us believe we have to walk around all sad and blue all the time for some given period of time. Nope. Not true. Just like you need to feel your grief, you also need to feel your joy.

**reader99** · 03-04-2013, 12:36 PM

One thing I did when I was widowed was to not buy any furniture I can't move by myself. I sold the huge TV and bought a small lightweight one. It's so much easier and I can do things for myself and not have to hire anyone or wait for friends to come help.

I also do money making things like working on https://www.mturk.com/mturk/welcome

The hospice in my area offers free grief counseling to anyone who has lost someone, even if their loved one was not in hospice (although my husband was). I couldn't have managed without their 7 week New Beginnings course.