Considering Adoption
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  1. #1
    Registered User Wendy99's Avatar
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    Default Considering Adoption

    DH and I are considering adoption. We currently have 2 children (born to us) and we are thinking of adopting 2 more. Just wondering if I could hear the stories of those of you who have adopted, tried to adopt, thought of adopting. Your thoughts and views of how things worked out. Also, if applicable, how did your children adjust to adopting more children- we currently have two children that are 7.
    Last edited by Wendy99; 10-23-2008 at 10:43 PM.

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    I am a white, 60-year old male. I have been married for over 30 years. My wife and I were unable to have biological children so adopted a bi-racial girl, now 26 years old, and a African American boy, now 24. My daughter currently lives with us and has managed to make a wreck out of most of hew adult life. Out of respect for her privacy, I will not go into all the details, but I will say that she probably has an undiagnosed borderline personality disorder that has truly led to "disorder" in her life. My son is developmentally disabled due likely to the fact that his biological mother delivered him at home and did not see a doctor for four days after birth; we believe his brain was damaged by a lack of oxygen at birth. He also has multiple psychosis, such as bipolar, and some serious physical problems. He will never live on his own.

    Did we know all this when we adopted? Some, but we got little information as to what the future could hold and little support once the adoptions were completed. As to the impact on a family with other children, read [U]Limits of Hope[U] by Ann Kimble Loux. Does all this mean we would not have adopted anyway? Probably we would have, but the road for us has not been easy. Does this mean the same would happen to you? Of course not, but you do need to know that you may be largely on your own as problems arise after adoption. Many children placed for adoption were abused physically or psychologically, and the resulting damage often cannot be overcome by even the most loving adoptive family. Each family must make the decision for themselves. I wish you the best of luck!

    If you would like to disucss this further off forum, please let me know.

    Gordon

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    I see that you are in Canada. The lack of support I described in my first message relates to the USA and of course may differ from state to state and location to location. You might find the process very different in Canada.

    Gordon

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    Wendy,
    I have to say that without adoption my husband and I wouldn't have a family.
    Due to surgery for ruptured appendix (I spent over a month in the hospital, and almost 6 months full of an awful infection!) I was unable to have a baby. We spent YEARS in foster care hoping it would lead to adoption. Having no children of our own and taking in children that the state had taken was totally heartbreaking for us. After years of this with stop being foster parents, I just couldn't do any more. We finally got lucky after 10 years of waiting to get out son, and yes he had some problems. The abuse he had when with his biological parents was a hurdle that was hard to get past, but then again we all know abuse is abuse and it scar's for a lifetime. We finally had a child of our own and things was really looking up. We had waited what seemed like a life time, but FINALLY we had a son.

    My son was 13 years old when we did a private adoption and added two young girls to our family. American born, Korean sisters, what a wonderful addition to our family! But once again that came to be another 10 years later.

    Adoption is hard, there are many ups and downs, and it takes TIME, lots and lots of time. It seems that many people think its just a matter of deciding to do it and it happens, but believe me it is work, heartache, and years in trying to get a family. It is a catalog order system, many people think you just dial up and order what you want, but anyone that has done this can tell you that it isn't like that at all. There are hoops to jump through, miles and miles of red tape and papers to fill out, finger prints and back ground checks, lawyers and paper work that seems unending. There are home studies, visit from strangers that don't know you at all that comes in to your home to check it out and watch how the kids interact with you and make the choice of "good parent or bad parent" in a few minutes in a fast in and out visit. But they hold the key to if you get to be the parent of these children or not! It is spooky at times, long waiting periods and not knowing what to expect next. People you don't even know are making judgements on you, your home, your family, your life style, you life on if your a fit parent and if the children will be your's is what they hold in THEIR hands! It is spooky, totally scarey at times, and can end in heartbreak if things are done they way they should be.
    Is it worth it?? YES! It is worth it, all the time, energy, costs, and all it is well worth the effort, time, and tears. I count my blessings daily, and I know that without what we put in to all the waiting and heartache is worth it when its all done and your children gifts you with the first sweet words of being call mom or dad!!

    I would go through it all again, at any time, to be able to have the blessing each child brings to your life. That first sweet smile makes all the wait and time so well worth it, and still to this day if someone offered me another private adoption I would jump at the chance to take another child in to my home to become a part of my life!!

    If you are willing to put the time in to it, the rewards are ENDLESS!!

  6. #5
    Registered User Wendy99's Avatar
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    Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. I really appreciate it!! We aren't 100 % sure either way at this time, but have been thinking about it quite a bit. I have a couple friends that have adopted, but it's nice to hear the different experiences. I really appreciate your time posting. We have a call in with the agency here that deals with adoption. They took all our information and are suppose to be doing a home check, but I assume with Christmas coming they are extremely busy.

  7. #6
    Registered User beks37's Avatar
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    Hi Wendy.

    I am n the process of starting up adoption. It seems to be the only option for us to have a child of our own. We have tried for 3 years now, been through all the treatments-2 IUI's, 2 IVF's, 1 FET all with a negative outcome. Good luck in what you decide.

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    Registered User Wendy99's Avatar
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    Thank you Becky!! Best of luck in your adoption as well

  9. #8
    Registered User Cricket1's Avatar
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    I have two boys that were adopted from Korea. It was paperwork and waiting, home studies and more paperwork from the government saying it's okay for you to be a parent, it's financial statements from 3-5 years previous and scrutiny of your marriage. It's a picture you receive that changes your life. You take a gigantic leap of faith and you fall in love. You immediately plow into more paperwork and set up pediatrician appointments for medical records review. Then there's more waiting and this time it's the worst kind of waiting. You know WHO is coming, but you don't know WHAT it is coming. It's when you hold YOUR baby for the very first time and never want to let go and you immediately forget the waiting and paperwork and government approval. You have your baby--the baby, for better or worse, that was meant for you. The baby that will teach you what it means to truly be proud, elated, scared, frustrated, and loved.

    You have the benefit of already having children so most of this will not be new to you. The paperwork, etc., yeah--that will be new, but it is so minor that it's barely worth mentioning. You may or may not have the benefit of knowing about the birth parents' history--either way, biological or adopted--you never know what the future will hold for a child.

    Good luck with your decision. Adoption was the best decision I ever made.

  10. #9
    Registered User IntlMom's Avatar
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    I gotta pop in on this thread and say that I think adoption is a great idea!
    I love my children so much - not only that, but I am now GLAD that I was unable to conceive (like Becky, I;ve been through it all!) - because if I had gotten preg. I would not have my children that I have!!

  11. #10
    Registered User mom2three's Avatar
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    Becky,

    Have you ever been tested for celiac - it can cause infertility issues - I'm not trying to discourage you from adoption - it can be very positive as well.

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    Moderator aka AmyBob AmyBoz's Avatar
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    I just wanted to say best of luck to you. Keep us updated!

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