Can't seem to find happiness for friends
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  1. #1
    Registered User frugal is fun's Avatar
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    Default Can't seem to find happiness for friends

    A woman in my Mom's group just adopted a little boy from China. She and her husband are both teachers and they have two kids, I'm guessing their ages are around 4 & 6. The little boy is 2.

    Before she left for china she was telling us how her husband couldn't go with her because the credit cards were maxed and they didn't have the money for flights for both of them.

    She is back now with the little boy and what I didn't realize is that he has physical problems. he is missing an arm, his right side sort of droops and he falls alot from loosing balance.

    I want to be happy for her but I'm just looking at the financial picture and I'm saying to myself "what were you thinking".

    I know it takes a special person to adopt a child, especially a child from another country and obviously I truly don't understand it.

    I need some words of inspiration so I can be a good friend and be happy for them instead of looking at the financial side of things.

    please help

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    Registered User porembam's Avatar
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    Your friend has definitely taken on a big task. Your job is to offer emotional support and let her talk to you about the child. I wouldn't point out the obvious disabilities but have you asked her why they felt it was important for them to adopt this child - I would want to know and then maybe you'll understand what they were thinking.

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    Registered User Lady_V's Avatar
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    Parents who adopt boys from China know there will be physical complications. Males are not usually adopted out.

    I don't know if it's the international adoption lioness in me, but not to sound snarky... it really is no different than if she had given birth to that child. Homegrown babies don't come with a guarantee of good health and physical well-being.

    Would you feel the same way had she given birth to this little boy? Would you still see him as a pile of financial burden or would you see him for what he is... a little boy?

    Just like everything else in life... other peoples finances are none of our business. International adoption is VERY expensive and I can see how they could have maxed out the credit cards in pursue of it.

    I guess, in short... they chose to add to their family... BE A GOOD FRIEND AND BE HAPPY FOR THEM.

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    Registered User frugal is fun's Avatar
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    She is someone in my Mom's group and although we post to the same board, we rarely see each other and in truth I'm not that close to her. So I think asking her why they felt it important to adopt would be inappropriate for me as I'm not that close with her.

    I did ask her if she knew what caused the physical problems, like how'd he loose his arm but she hasn't responded yet.

    I think I'm just going to keep silent on the matter with the old saying if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all.

    But I guess for my own reasons I would like to get some understanding on the urge or calling I should say that some people have to adopt when obviously they are already experiencing financial strains. And they already have two children of their own.

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    Registered User frugal is fun's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lady_V View Post
    Parents who adopt boys from China know there will be physical complications. Males are not usually adopted out.

    I don't know if it's the international adoption lioness in me, but not to sound snarky... it really is no different than if she had given birth to that child. Homegrown babies don't come with a guarantee of good health and physical well-being.

    Would you feel the same way had she given birth to this little boy? Would you still see him as a pile of financial burden or would you see him for what he is... a little boy?

    Just like everything else in life... other peoples finances are none of our business. International adoption is VERY expensive and I can see how they could have maxed out the credit cards in pursue of it.

    I guess, in short... they chose to add to their family... BE A GOOD FRIEND AND BE HAPPY FOR THEM.
    I'm trying to be and thats why I posted here and not to her directly. and yes, I think I probably would feel the same if they had given birth to him.

    I have a friend that lives out west and they are broker than broke, can barely make rent etc. and they had another baby. I'm not heartless and I know all children are a gift but I don't know...I just don't get it.....maybe I don't need to get it.

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    Registered User Contrary Housewife's Avatar
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    I have friends and family who have made decisions I would not, and I just resign myself to the idea that if it makes THEM happy, it's not my place to say anything about it.

    If this child brings joy into their lives, then the costs and the challenges may not matter as much to them.
    Stop trying to organize all of your family’s crap. If organization worked for you, you’d have rocked it by now. It’s time to ditch stuff and de-crapify your world.

    If you're not using the stuff in your home, get rid of it. You're not going to start using it more by shoving it into a closet.

    Use it up, Wear it out,
    Make it do, Or do without. ~unknown

    Because we, the people, have the power to build a better future. KH

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    Moderator mauimagic's Avatar
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    Judy, I think you found your own answer..........."I just don't get it.....maybe I don't need to get it."

    Wonder the same thing at times about a friend whose life is a major soap opera, yet she chose to have five children - her choice, her life.

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    Member Darlene's Avatar
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    I'd be thinking of the happiness of the child. How wonderful that he's now with people who will love & care for him. That is indeed worth celebrating.




  10. #9
    Registered User frugal is fun's Avatar
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    point taken

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    Registered User Momto5RN's Avatar
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    i think you know in your heart when it comes to kids so only they know in their heart . when i announced i was pregnnat #3 i had more people look at me like i was goofy since i already had one boy and one girl - like okay you have a set why have more ? They arent salt and pepper shakers lol.

    Well i went onto have 5
    after 4 ( 2 boys 2 girls ) i thought i was done -tried to pretend i was done - but i always felt like someone was just missing from the dinner table - so we had # 5 . Then i felt done - no longer had any urge to have another - no "baby-itis" when i saw babies etc .

    She may have seen that child and just knew in her heart he was meant to be theirs.

    IF he was left behind he would probably spend his life until 18 ( or whatever the limit there may be ) in an orphange and probably not with the best medical technology to help them .

    Even struggling they may be bale to give him a better life .


    Right now there is an amazing christian man born with no arms or legs whose parents were told to institutionalize him - they raised him as normal as they could and i have watched him on youtube amd live streamed him when he spoke and his is an amazing inspirational speaker - who knows what their son may grow up to be .

    i have read about and saw several testimonies from teens young adults who thought of suicide and realized life wasnt so bad after seeing one of his videos etc.

    No arms- No legs but has saved lives !

    This is a video of him talking to a school

    [ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H8ZuKF3dxCY]YouTube - I Love Living Life. I Am Happy.[/ame]

  12. #11
    Registered User frugal is fun's Avatar
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    I want to thank everyone who responded to my post.

    I think I'm loosing the "human touch" and am just too emotionally focused with money or lack there of. Everything is not black and white and everything is not dependent on how much money you have. I have to keep reminding myself of this.

    And I think I do come across as cold and non caring when that really isn't true at all, again I just think I've been so focused on money since I got divorced that when someone tells me something, money is at the top of the list when I process what they are saying.

    in some cases it should be money but obviously this doesn't fit the bill in all cases.

    So thank you for helping me see the softer side to this.

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    Moderator mauimagic's Avatar
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    Mahalo Judy - you've just shown us all why it's important to share ideas with others, even if they might not understand - there's always other choices to make and points of view to take. Mahalo for sharing with us!!.

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    Registered User lisaflex's Avatar
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    i feel...to each their own...as long as whatever it is does not affect me or my family, so be it...

    we all make choices on this walk thru life...

    maybe their CC's being maxed out isnt an issue to them. you never know. no one ever knows what goes on or what is said behind closed doors.

    just be happy for them and support them in any way you can

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    I think the CC's being maxed out is because of the adoption , not that they adopted despite the CC's being maxed out.
    As far as having a "damaged" child I would say that this child seems to have clear-cut and obvious physical problems. As someone who would like to adopt when I get my financial ducks in a row, his problems seem rather minor. There are a ton of kids out there with genetic syndromes which have dozens of issues from them, known and unknown pre-natal drug and alcohol exposure, family history of mental illness and mental illness in the mother.
    If they are both teachers, they probably have excellent health insurance and can easily get physical and occupational therapy for the child. At the risk of being snarky...some physcial therapy and a pair of velcro shoes should solve most of the problems you have described.
    And on their taxes they should get a tax credit of just over $13,000 which should put a dent in those CC's.

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    Registered User gottadance's Avatar
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    If this was a close friend, I definitely (in my own mind - not to her) would question her decision when she has two children to max our her credit cards to adopt another. If she were a close friend and she started discussing finances with me, I might express concern about her finances and ability to provide for her family. Does she have emergency savings? Is she prepared to take on the costs related to this child's physical disabilities? It amazes me how many people make bad financial decisions in America - one of the richest countries in the world. So many people living beyond their means, which contributed to the economic collapse and the housing mortgage crisis.

    However, since she is not a close friend (although if she's not I'm surprised she confided in you that she maxed out her credit cards to adopt), really, what would be the point of raising the issue?

    I don't think his disabilities are the issues, except insofar as they relate to costs of providing for him and the other children. If someone has to max out credit cards to pay to adopt any child, I would wonder about their financial situation - however, that doesn't mean I would raise it - unless they were a close personal friend who discussed the financial stuff with you.

    My sister makes awful financial decisions all the time - she does not know how to manage money. For years I listened to her cry about this or that or complain about it, finally I had to say to her listen, I can't sit here and listen to this any more. You waste your money on nonessentials then you call me to talk about how broke you are - I can't hear it anymore. Get professional help or just find someone else who IS willing to listen to it. She was ticked, but I felt I had a right to say something since she was regularly turning to me for support when she got into a financial crisis. Had she not turned to me, I would have not said a word and just let her learn things the hard way.

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