A little cheese for my wine????

**gardenflys** · 08-31-2007, 10:17 AM

Well, we have announced our desire to adopt from the state... I don't know how I expected people to respond, but not like this... Basically we have been told to BEWARE.... It is a little disappointing.. Does anyone have any sucess stories.. Any words of cheer??
We thought we would adopt a child around the same age as our youngest. He will be 6 next month... we are told by friends/family, older children come with a lot of baggage...
But... we really feel like, we are doing the right thing.

Sorry to cry on your shoulder...
Kelly

**annymoll** · 08-31-2007, 10:44 AM

Do not be discouraged. Those same people might make the same comments about children with disabilities or handicapped.Some of these could happen if you had a biological child at birth.(Some know it before birth)Sometimes these children can have issues, but once in a stable, loving home they prosper. Knowing it is forever, that you will never be sent away, that you are loved as much as the other children, will make a family.You will be fine. Be brave.There may be great forces aiding you.

**frugalfarmwife** · 08-31-2007, 11:17 AM

Ok, now no I do not have children and I've never adopted but have a LOT of experience with the heartache/heartbreak there CAN be with adoption and it IS better for you to go into it with your eyes open.

My best friend did adopt, 3 children total and sadly it was basically a nightmare and still is. The first two she adopted were almost 4 and 5 at the time, brother and sister. It has been a LIFETIME thing for my friend, they are now 36 and 37 and yes she's still in contact with them but they both just tear her heart out.

These children are fetal alcohol children and the myraid of problems they can have is unbelievable and devastating to all involved, personally if I could I'd string their birth mom up by her toes and well, lets not go there.

And of course birth mom conviently came back years later with TONS of lies but she's mom, so to them it's the truth.

The third adopted child was actually a niece, my friends husbands brothers child. This poor child ended up with more genetic/psych problems than you can ever imagine (her mother was later diagnosed with schizophrenia (sp?) And this girl also died of a genetic cancer at 20.

Also, my neighbor has adopted 17 year old twins, also fetal alcohol and they will be with her for her entire life, they emotional/psych problems are many and she has the patience of a SAINT with them. We also REGULARLY have the sheriff here to help with the explosions they have.

Now I'm NOT trying to bring you down, and I know that there are MANY MANY wonderful adoption stories out there, but it always needs to be remembered that among other things genetics and environment can cause MANY heartbreaks.

Bless you for caring and WANTING to adopt.

kj

**frugalfoster** · 08-31-2007, 12:51 PM

You know what.....of course there will be problems......BUT....there will be rewards also!!! I have taken in a few teenagers who have been a struggle and are now a big delight....Do it!!! You'll be glad you did!

**Mom25** · 08-31-2007, 01:41 PM

As mentioned in another post we adopted a sibling group of 3 through the state. Ages 3,4 & 5 at the time...they are now 9,10 & 11. We are so greatly blessed...they are great kids.

We had wonderful caseworkers that walked us through the process. They told us what looked like red flags and then let us decide if we thought we could handle it. You don't have to take the first child you are offered...we turned down 2 placements before we got our kids, because the children had issues we didn't feel we could handle.

Our kids aren't perfect, but hey we're not either! They do have some baggage (minor stuff, ex.DS2 has some delays academically).

Things you should beware of:
RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) or any attachment issues

FAS (Fetal Alcohol Syndrome) or FAE which is a milder form. We were told that often drug babies do better than those exposed to alcohol before birth.

Some of the children have been sexually abused. Some recover nicely. Others act out and prey on other children.

But, remember YOU decide if the child is right for your family. The caseworkers will give you a background on the child with lots of info. to help you.

I'd adopt again in a heartbeat! Best wishes.

**VanVivCam** · 08-31-2007, 02:07 PM

My blessed parents adopted me, my sister and my brother when we were 2,3,and 5. Basically our biomother was not able to take care of us. Well, 30 years later I am still thanking God for my adoptive parents. We really didn't have any "issues" other than being little kids.

My hubby and I plan to adopt when Sara gets a little older.

Good luck and God Bless You!

**Laurie in Bradenton** · 08-31-2007, 02:40 PM

My DH was in the system from the time he was nine years old along with his 8 brotherrs and sisters. The family was split up and shipped all over the country. Yes, some had issuses with seperation and yes some had other problems with addicitions later in life. But all bar none are thankful for the adpotive parnets who helped them on to the road to adulthood. It takes special people to love children that are not their own. The important thing to remember is love and understanding.

Laurie in Bradenton

**frugalfarmwife** · 08-31-2007, 02:53 PM

Please don't think I was saying to not adopt, I know that there are many children that thrive in a loving home and so need the stable environment.

I just wanted to share that sometimes things are to much. It's NOT the kids faults these things happen/are done to them.

I'm sure you have a wonderful and loving home to provide, just be sure to go into it with your eyes open and work with a case worker, ask all the questions you can think of and then ask more.

I wish you the best of luck with your adoption process and know that the child that joins your family will be so thankful for a family of their own.

kj

**Jaded** · 08-31-2007, 08:58 PM

On the other hand, there are no guarantees with biological children either. My first son was perfect, made good grades, got a scholarship to college, never got in trouble. My second son, on the other hand was a total NIGHTMARE! He had 4 different psychiatric diagnoses, and ran away so many times, the state took him away, but not for his sake, for mine. I was literally dying from stress. My immune system had shut down. I did not see or hear from him for 2 years, and finally, he came to my house to get some of his stuff. He then got mad at me and didn't speak to me for another 2 years. Now, at 22, he and I are very close, and it was worth every single tear I shed, and there were many. He now sometimes calls me just to tell me he's thinking of me, and he loves me. He's apologized for everything he did as a kid, and is the biggest joy in my life now.

Kids are a crapshoot, no matter how you get them. It's like a box of crackerjacks, you never know what's inside.

I thought of adopting a few years ago, but I'm glad now, with my mother's situation, that I didn't . I couldn't handle her and a child.

Good luck to you! Bless you for wanting to give someone here in this country a home!

**Jaded** · 08-31-2007, 09:00 PM

kj.....I don't think anyone thought you were saying not to adopt. We all know what a good "mama" you are to everybody and everything!

**gardenflys** · 09-12-2007, 07:25 PM

Thanks to everyone who responded !! It is good to hear from others.
Right now, I am STILL waiting for the paperwork.. I have called 2ce about it. THe first time they had the wrong address. This second time, they said to wait til Friday, if the paperwork isn't here, they will figure something out then.
I knew this would be a long process, but I am suprised not to have any paperwork yet. LOL