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03-09-2013, 02:02 PM #1
Mental health issues with adult children
Starting at beginning. My 21 yo has been stubborn a bit moody from birth . Seriously. Her baby picture at the hospital is basically an infant version of the sideways annoyed glare she does now . Of course everything annoys her. Everything is everyone else's fault. When she is in a good mood she can be helpful ( straightened the kitchen yesterday while I was at work ) funny etc
But when she as things to do and anyone or anything prevents it from going the way she envisions it she behaves in a classic narcissistic way.
She is also very noise intolerant despite being the noisiest one in the house.
I always assumed she was just like my one aunt and tbh a teeny bit like my mom too in personality and had my independent streak too.
She did a year at community college used stafford loans. Saved up enough to do 2nd year in cash
She moved out at 19 into a 2 bedroom apt with a friend did really well the first year .
During the second year later this past fall she fell behind on rent apparently was staying a lot at bf house Who wanted to move her in , by this point all she had to pay was her rent and cable. We put her phone on our plan because it was easier paying 50 once a month then the 140 to keep hers on every few month ( which she ne'er asked for I found out when she would only text and not call it was off )
In October she wanted us to give her rent money. We didn't have it and I drew the line at that she was at out house and went thru my room denied it but left too much evidence of being in my room and I later saw her pic on twitter with what she took ( a black coach wristlets I use just for special occasions ) she told dh she borrowed it , um no borrowing requires asking and not calling your mom crazy etc
We changed locks on the house. She was only allowed in when one of us was home
She is having issues with her job of 5 years where she now waitresses. New manager picks on her. Sets her up etc. she has always been a suck it up kind of reason so I do think some of that is true .
Flash forward early January. She has brought over a few loads of summer clothes to store
Admits that she is moving back in taken room oldes ds just moved into. She is 21 not 19 knows to be clean knows to not stay in bathroom for hours etc
Lets just say things aren't going well. She yells at the slightest noise by the boys in the next room. My 18 yo who is in college on a partial scholarship is ready to leave ,
We went to a new primary dr as Peds won't see her since no longer in college
She thinks she has add she thinks I was told she did and just didn't want to pay for meds. None of this is true. I have actually said to her you don't think that if I thought I could have given you pill to make your teen years easier i wouldn't have !!!
Dr thinks she may have some add that worsened as an adult but also has anxiety. Since add meds can increase anxiety he wants her to see a psychiatrist I told her she needs to make the appt ( after she told me I set up the dr appt and told the dr what to say )
She got fired from her job same time she moved in ( I think she got fed up and stopped being polite to new boss who by the way was moved back to waitress from manager when the reg manager returned from maternity leave and niw has my daughters old position instead of having to move to another branch as was planned )
She has a new job. Less stressful ,
But the rest of us walk around on eggshells , its really badly affecting my health ( I have fms ) I can't work as much because after a fight on Presidents' Day between the 2 girls that got physical the younger ones don't want to be home alone with her. I had to cancel a job interview that would have giving me great training for future because I can't be that far from home .
I am looking for a new job but with the fms and not wanting to be away from house 8 hrs a day if she's there or not , it's not been easy.
I wanted to mention she has had more death in the past 3 years then a kid her age should have
A close friend from elementary school dropped dead if an un dx heart problem ( also her first crush. First kiss)
A close friend brother , a friends dad, a guy she knew from neighborhood all drug or alcohol related and a friends brother in a car accident and with acquaintances. A few parents or younger aged grandparents from cancer etc
The worse was this past August a guy she dated and always expected they would dare again when he came back as a college grad was dx with leukemia. I really saw the anxiety after this .
She can be mean. Verbally abusive she will steal from us with this dd idea that we should have given her money since we knew she had no job for two weeks so it wasn't stealing. She is in denial about some stuff you try to sit down and talk to her and it stresses her out she did use her tax return to catch up on backrent owed
Her roommate wanted to move home and save for a house so that's how she ended up home ,
I am at the point that for my health and sanity and for the younger kids remaining childhood to be normal as possible I want her out
She can't Make enough for rent and giving her more stress having to try to would just backfire
She thinks if she just lived alone where no one would bother her all would be fine we cause her stress .
I am wondering if a year of rent free living would prove that us not true and get her to a psychiatrist
I know she as already upped my water bill 20 a month
I am sure my electric will be higher she leaves lights on runs electric heater etc
I am loosing at least 100 a week by working less
And we are still all a giant ball of stress ,
Do I just figure she will be an expense for the rest if my life ? I don't mean that to sound cold just saying budget wise
Do I give her to a certain date and then say its up to you now
She wants to go back to school but isn't sure what for
And unless she as gone to psychiatrist for help there is no way I am helping her with school she can't do it the way she is now
And I have searched her room her old apt room her car her purse old purses. Stuff stored in attic for signs of drugs and found nothing and she is so bad at covering her tracks when she has done something she denies. I can't imagine she wouldn't leave some evidence older ds have his friends keeping ears and eyes open too and she hung out with him for a weekend and he said usually people on drugs need them after a few drinks ad disappear to find or do them and that wasn't the case .
Just wondering if anyone else out there is dealing with like circumstances My brain is fried between see sawing between paying for her for a year and being frugal and not getting into a years ease on a apt we can barely afford
03-09-2013, 02:16 PM #2
If she's opposed to the idea of medications, 5-htp can be helpful for anxiety and is available over the counter. Our children's nurse practitioner recommended it for their anxiety. A deficiency in it can run in families. We've found it helpful and the older kids didn't balk at taking it because it was a "supplement" rather than a "medication". Talk to you doctor first, of course.
03-09-2013, 03:32 PM #3
- Rep Power
What can else can you do when you are involved with someone who will not/cannot change themselves for the better no matter how hard you try to help them and it is still negatively impacting your life?
Then it is time to focus on yourself. When you learn effective coping skills in how to take care of yourself when involved with dealing with a difficult situation/person, the situation starts to improve.
Can you get some counseling? Like through an EAP program thru your job?
Does your insurance pay for any counseling sessions?
Or find a counseling clinic that has a sliding scale fee?
If the answer to all of the above is no/I still can't afford it - do you have a pastor/spiritual advisor you can talk to? Someone in your circle of friends who may be in the field who can give you some guidance?
Sometimes you have to get creative - e.g. - our local battered women's shelter offers free counseling to anyone who has been in a domestic violence situation - even if it was 20 years ago, and it was only verbal/emotional abuse and it doesn't have to be a romatic partner, just someone who lives in the household.
Call any local resource you can think of and ask for referrals.
At the very least you may be able to find a support group of some sort -
again, here is where some creativity comes in - do you know ANYONE who is an addict/alcoholic?
You are then eligible to go to Al-Anon meetings-
they are for friends/relatives of addicts/alcoholics. Even though your DD is not an alcoholic, they will show you how to take care of yourself and how to detach with love from dysfunctional people in your life and they accept everybody - they will NOT ask you to leave.
And - there are a TON of self-help books available that are very good and will give you tools - do a search on Amazon in the books section for topics like boundaries, how to stop saying yes when you really want to say no, healthy relationships, etc.
Remember - when you are truly "done" - you will find a way.
I wish you nothing but the best and I hope you are able to navigate through these troubled times and come out the other side as a happier, healther person, you and your family. (((hugs)))
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03-09-2013, 04:23 PM #4
- Rep Power
First, do know that many psychiatric disorders do reveal themselves in the early 20's. While you may have seen signs of something in her childhood, she obviously wasn't severe enough for you to have taken action. So if she has a psychiatric disorder, it really isn't your fault that she hasn't seen a psychiatrist before now.
I'd ask her to go for a second opinion and offer to pay for the appointment. Usually a psychiatrist will prescribe meds then have the patient see a talk therapist, too (to deal with the deaths, PTSD, anxiety, etc). The therapist and the psychiatrist talk to each other and make adjustments accordingly. The psychiatrist usually can end up seeing her every 3-4 or even 6 months while the talk therapy can be more frequently. It is the talk therapist that will get her on track to get a job, move out of the house, etc.
I would make seeing a psychiatrist and talk therapist conditions to stay in your house. As you said, it is too stressful for her to remain there as things are.
And YOU need to find ways to deal with the stress. Take an adaptive yoga or Tai Chi class (I find "Yoga for Seniors" to be helpful even though I'm not technically a senior.) Take a walk, if you're up to it. Find some way to meditate and exercise. I even broke down and asked my doctor to refer me to 4 months of physical therapy just to give me a safe way to exercise the stress off. You're right the stress will just make your condition worse.
03-09-2013, 06:27 PM #5
She is under our insurance. We have to pay 1500 oop before it kicks in but because we were expecting medical bills between her and her sister who has a hemangioma on her hand . The tax return we got is being used to get emergency fund up to date
And to go to medical.
I don't have any friends or family with drug issues and while I have mom love for her I do not like the mean side when she shows it
She tries to guilt me by calling me a bad mom Etc but i say to her if I was really that bad the other 4 wouldn't be ok.
She was told going to dr was condition of being home feels going to new primary covered that , I can't make it for her and she thinks we all are noisy. Rude. Disrespectful to her when we dont do things her way .
She has friends who take anxiety meds and psych meds and says I can tell when they take them and doesnt like how they are. , don't remember night chats etc,
It's not so much the stress she causes i ignore inappropriate behavior and point out some as this s why you need to go to dr this is not a normal reaction me but the second hand stress from dh yelling at her or from hearing she woke up the 18 yo
3 times because he was snoring is hard,
Having 16 yo dd friends ask why she has a padlock on her door ( to keep her from "borrowing " ) and the kids feel like they can't have friends over because she claims its too noisy it's just not fair to them
Right now she is affecting our income via loss of income for me or paying more for Hba , utilities. Food to the tune of 500$ and we get nothing for that 500,
She can call me awful mom say I make up my Fms. Say we do nothing for her ( 12 years private school , cheer , proms a car ( really more for me so I didn't have to be in a car with her for practices etc ). Paid her cable and phone bills when she got behind put her on our phone plan pay her car insurance ( which we do for kids until they grad college ) and she is under our health insurance .
I know all that's not true , but when she is mean to others kids and making them walk on eggshells I don't want that for them,
They are willing to give up allowances to get her out and get their lives back to semi normal.
I have to arrange my whole day everyday based on her ever changing schedule . ( because younger kids are afraid of her when she has a outburst )
My going to counseling won't change much , she needs to go but right now feels being in this house causes all her stress. So wont go . That's why I am thinking there are studio apts for 719 plus electric. We pay 500 she pays the 219 and her electric , and she can see her problems don't go away when she has the dream of living alone .
03-09-2013, 06:39 PM #6
I take 5 htp
Started when I was going thru menopause. ,
I told her to try it she wouldn't. And I have no way to make her take that or Rex meds .
She complains her hair falls out and or grows slow told her to take multivitamin she won't .
I dunno .
03-09-2013, 06:41 PM #7
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I thinnk PTSD is a reason she might go? To talk about those traumas and then the initial things might come out? You will have no peace unless she goes.
Hair falls out can be thyriod was she tested. If can really whack your moods around too. Does she sleep a lot,or say shes tired a lot=thyroid also.
03-09-2013, 07:01 PM #8
Dr wanted her to have thyroid checked for hyper. She hasn't gone for labs . I can't drag her .
03-09-2013, 09:44 PM #9
Ps when I say I can't drag her I have made several attempts to get her there and to make a dr appt too from asking. Yelling. Begging bribing ultimatums etc , there are others I can do but they won't work. I can lock her out f house until she goes but you can't make an appt immediately so there goes that,
I was just wondering if anyone else is helping to support a family member in this way.
My plan is for one year helping and by then we want to see a do able plan re better job , career , school etc and will re evaluate .
03-10-2013, 12:18 PM #10
Mom25....You break my heart....I was like your daughter to my parents during my childhood to mid twenties. I had a lot of underlying issues such as abuse, verbal and physical, trauma, and addictions. I was consumed with rage all the time and treated everyone badly. What turned me around was coming to terms that I was broken and needed help before I was able to become a better person.
I moved out as soon as I could, but would manipulate my parents into giving me money and mooching off them as much as I could. I think it would have my parents if they had attended some type of Al-anon or read the book "Co-dependent No More".
There are only a few ways for this story to evolve....either she realizes she needs help and is willing to change OR you and your husband are able to detach with love and let her go to make her mistakes and reach her rock bottom. Both are painful ways...
03-10-2013, 07:39 PM #11
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03-10-2013, 09:41 PM #12
Some days she seems knows she is in need of help but you can't get an instant dr appt when she is in that mood .
I think in her Mind watching friends graduate college this spring and being back home is Rock bottom
If she was 25 she would have never have been allowed back home but being 21 she is still in the states eyes of age to be our dependent as far as education loans , low income housing etc anything like that . I live in middle class world that's a mile away from millionaire mansions one way and semi close ( a few miles) to a drug infested high murder city ( only place with shelters ) to kick her out when she is young enough to have the time to change and drugs doesnt seem to be the issue . Id rather give her a years rent and be at peace I know I tried .
If I found drugs she would be out ( and not in anything I was paying for ) or in rehab only two choices there are .
If she was running around going out drinking etc i would have issues too.
She basically goes to work comes home maybe goes out one weekend night with some friends .
Hasn't asked for anything $ wise since she finished orientation and is getting paid tips etc .
I would say no anyway .
Being home had stopped the horrible parents attempt at guilt .
This weekend was better then past ones I don't know if she realizes we aren't putting up with it it its the job being less stressfull then last .
But I don't have my hopes up or guard down .
Even if she goes on meds she can't make enough to cover rent herself .
She hasn't asked us to pay for her to move out
Just wanted to say that That move would be for us not because she's asking us to she might actually be mad about it .
03-11-2013, 10:07 AM #13
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I feel your pain. My dd is 31 and will be with me forever. No place will take her.. I wonder what will happen to her when I am gone.
03-11-2013, 10:41 AM #14
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Mom25RN...I have read this several times..I though I had been the one writeing this at first..My daughter is 41 and I have done all the things that your doing and am about to the end of my rope..Hope you find something that works..I know I have tryed to get her help and so far nothing has worked..Right now she is liveing in a house that I own rent free..I pay her utilities..Meds..everything and I no longer have that kind of money..I hope someone on here helps both of us as to what to do..I don't know what will happen to her when I am going either..Good luck to you and if you come up with any ideas let me know..Hugs to you..
03-11-2013, 03:03 PM #15
My aunt was schizophrenic my grandmother helped her her whole life in some firm or another She was on SSI couldn't hold a job and she was eligible for housing in senior apartment because of her disability .
My husbands cousin lived with us a few years she is a year older then my she has a low iq and I believe some schizophrenia but doesn't take meds ( she wouldn't even take Tylenol after foot surgery )
She also gets ssi my father in law is her legal guardian she lives in a studio apt is eligible for some food stamps etc
If the person is unable to work at least in United States there should be some disability availability but you need to get a dr to dx them and apply etc .
My dd likes to work has a great work ethic ( she is told this ) but seems to hold any and all stress and take it out on us . She can't focus on things at times and is impatient and angry at times .
I don't know if I would be supporting her after 25
But in her case she can work , interacts with friends ok , grad hs fine almost has her assoc degree she can drive cook shop etc she has the ability to get her act together better ,
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