For those with a spouse that will not get on the same page
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    Default For those with a spouse that will not get on the same page

    For those of you with a difficult spouse please help me. I can't do it anymore. My dh has always had a truck payment. The truck before this one had 1 payment of about $150 when he traded it. I asked him to wait until we had some hospital bills paid but he wouldn't. The "new to him" truck payment was higher than the other and pushed us over our budget. It wasn't much but my (dh says that it is my budget and etc not his) EF was slowly going down. Then a month or so after he got the truck he quit his job for a min wage job, because he liked it better. Now we are so far in the hole that utilities are being cut off and reconnected all the time, we often don't have enough food for everyone to not feel hungry (so what does he do, he doesn't eat supper (the hero) so we can eat then he goes out to eat for breakfast and lunch the next day while at work spending more money that we don't have and the dc and I have to fend for ourselves). back ground info: 7 yrs ago he found DR and had to have the book and we had to go to a live event. I took the DR plan and twisted it and turned it every way I could think of so that it would still work and be agreeable to him. He has had blow money and I haven't in all these yrs. After the last truck purchase (last yr) I thought he understood. We can't keep living like this. Well, last weekend he wanted to take me looking at trucks, not to replace my old beater that has over 220,000 miles but for him. I am to the point that I want to go out and spend just as much on the dc and me as he does on himself every month. He has promised ds#1 a swing set for years but we never had the money for that. He has promised the dc trips and activities and then he blew the money on him and would tell the dc he made the money not them. I love him and I know he loves us. If it doesn't involve money he does everything for us: take care of us when sick or scared, just give us a hug or let the dc curl up in his lap. He will give us just about anything emotional but when it comes to money to He** with us (even though I make more than he does I am not even allowed an allowance). I can't take living like this anymore. Please tell me there is someone that has been here and there is hope. I really had thought things were getting better.

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    Registered User mommy4ever's Avatar
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    I'm sorry, but he sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do.

    It's inconsiderate to make promises and break them repeatedly to the kids.

    it's irresponsible an inconceivable to get new things but not provide enough food for the kids.

    Personally, if it were me. I'd give him an ultimatum. New truck or his family. Period. No compromise on that. I'd be looking at selling my own truck/car, taking that money, gettign a job and setting us up somewhere other than there. Show him I mean business.

    But That's me, and I don't really know what else is going on in the dynamics of your relationship.

    Other than sitting him down and say your piece. Write out money coming in, and going out. Show where it's going. And praying he understands and gets it. I don't know what else you can do for the relationship. Money is the biggest cause of relationships ending.

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    get thee to marriage counseling.

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    Registered User Greebo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ladykemma2 View Post
    get thee to marriage counseling.
    What she said.

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    jas
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    He needs his thinking adjusted.

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    I agree with mommy4ever, I think you should maybe get a babysitter, get alone with him and let him know, its either this or us...cant be done anymore, wont put up with it anymore!
    My ex was that way, except for the good dad and husband part....he spent his $100 grand a year on crap and I had 2 jobs to pay the bills and buy food with! but then he was not their for the kids or me either so I think if he were it would really have been a harder choice for me to divorce him!
    Keep us updated on how it goes, I surely think ya need to put a foot or 2 down though!
    Mommy

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    I, personally, could never be married to a person like that. Best wishes to you.

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    Registered User Samigirl's Avatar
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    Wow...I can't imagine being treated like that by someone who's supposed to be your partner in life. I think marriage counseling is a good idea if you can afford it. In my opinion, you don't have money issues, you have marriage issues. Sending hugs your way...
    Last edited by Samigirl; 08-16-2008 at 12:59 AM.

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    He sounds really unhappy. to quit a good paying job for a minimum wage job when you have money issues is a warning sign. He is trying to figure out what makes him happy and has twisted ideas about how money fits into that picture. Perhaps he equates being responsible w/money to poverty and this is frightening to him. Perhaps he doesn't know what he wants right now and that is causing him to try to buy his happiness. Playing the role of martyr at dinner and then blowing it behind everyone's back suggests he someone feels the need to put his best face forward but isn't really being honest w/ himself or his family.

    I agree that you need to talk to each other, maybe even a marriage counselor. If you really want to work through it though you are going to have to set aside your (quite understandable) resentments and hurts and be open to listening to what is really going on with him w/o judgement, blame, or defensiveness. This is hard, I've been in your shoes, not with money but w/ other things and I have to say that it wasn't until I was able to see that I wasn't the only one hurting that we were able to fix things.

    I am more than happy to share more privately if you'd like. PM if you feel the need to talk w/ someone who's walked in your shoes. Good luck.

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    My heart goes out to you.

    If this were me it would be time for a serious talk with hubby.

    I'd also like to see you reading some books on women and money - I LIke Gail Vaz-Oxlades a woman of independant means or one of Suze Ormans women and money books.

    If you earn more then him and he gets to have an allowance then you should to. I'd also like to see you get into a position where your partner lets you have an equal say in big purchases.

    Good luck - I hope it gets better.
    Last edited by missmanny; 08-16-2008 at 02:29 AM.

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    On another thought, if he can't be trusted to make good money decisions andyou are both working and earning money, then perhapse for a while (or forever if it works) then you should split your money.

    Each be responsible for half of the joint bills and he can pay for his truck and allowance etc, then you can manage your money in a responsible way and try to get a little bit ahead.

    After a while when he has none and you are on track then he might come around a bit.

    I don't advocate being sneaky especially when you are married, but if you got really deaperate then I guess you could move your EF to a secret loaction that he doesn't know about and then you could tell him that there is no money (unless it is a real emergency?)

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    Quote Originally Posted by ansley View Post
    He has had blow money and I haven't in all these yrs.... when it comes to money to He** with us (even though I make more than he does I am not even allowed an allowance). I can't take living like this anymore. Please tell me there is someone that has been here and there is hope. I really had thought things were getting better.
    I hope you recognize that you don't have "money problems", you have a relationship problem. That's what Dave Ramsey would tell you and that's what any objective person will tell you. Maybe they have told you and you haven't been ready to hear it. Maybe now you are. You are being controlled and manipulated and IMO, there is no hope because he has no reason to change -- HIS way is suiting HIS needs very well, thank you, and it's clear (despite his ability to "take care" of you when you're sick) that's really all he's concerned with. Things are not going to get better as he appears to have all he wants and needs. I sincerely doubt he will be open to marriage counseling as that would require him to grow up and be responsible, so -- barring a miraculous turnaround -- my advice is to seek the advice of an attorney and put your children's interest first as it's time someone in your "marriage" did.

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    Registered User kittykatstrong's Avatar
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    He says it is not his budget, maybe let him set one up for the family and try it out. Give him the amount he has to spend and how much every thing is and let him try it.

    Take away the card and only give him cash for "blow money" all week. You can't spend it if you don't have it.

    If all else fails. I would hide money. I hate lying, but sometimes it is the last resort.

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    Registered User Greebo's Avatar
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    What does "not his budget" mean anyway? Does he live under the same roof? Does he eat the food in the kitchen?

    He's being a little boy. Time for him to grow up and be a man and be jointly responsible for what happens to your joint future, and that includes managing money jointly.

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    Quote Originally Posted by mommy4ever View Post
    Personally, if it were me. I'd give him an ultimatum. New truck or his family. Period. No compromise on that. I'd be looking at selling my own truck/car, taking that money, gettign a job and setting us up somewhere other than there. Show him I mean business.

    Other than sitting him down and say your piece. Write out money coming in, and going out. Show where it's going. And praying he understands and gets it. I don't know what else you can do for the relationship. Money is the biggest cause of relationships ending.
    mommy4ever, my truck is in his name. I can't sell it. He got upset because he needed me to get a loan for one of his other trucks and they put both our names on his truck. He decided I needed to get rid of my paid for car and I ended up with a paid for suv in his name. I already have a full time job and I would like to spend some time with my dc. I have done the entire second paragraph.

    Quote Originally Posted by elphie View Post
    Perhaps he equates being responsible w/money to poverty and this is frightening to him.

    I agree that you need to talk to each other, maybe even a marriage counselor. If you really want to work through it though you are going to have to set aside your (quite understandable) resentments and hurts and be open to listening to what is really going on with him w/o judgement, blame, or defensiveness.
    A counselor is $100 a visit and there is no way we can pay that right now. He will not go to the pastor because they work together during the week. His family didn't have much money when he was growing up. His mom left when he was a preteen and took everything but his brother and him (she did take his sister). I know he has problems letting me have anything to do with the money because mil closed out the checking account and took all furniture and appliances except for the beds DH and his brother used. My fil literally had nothing but his clothes and the tools for his job. She would have taken the tools if she had thought about selling them. I have tried to be very careful about how I worded things to keep him from shutting down on me. I have tried to show him the money situation in black, white and red. I have worked really hard not to blame, judge or be defensive. But after all these years I am just wearing out. I have started having heart problems and am on meds for that and depression and I know most of it is the stress and trying so hard to make ends meet.

    Quote Originally Posted by kittykatstrong View Post
    He says it is not his budget, maybe let him set one up for the family and try it out. Give him the amount he has to spend and how much every thing is and let him try it.

    Take away the card and only give him cash for "blow money" all week. You can't spend it if you don't have it.

    If all else fails. I would hide money. I hate lying, but sometimes it is the last resort.
    He always helps set up the budget. I always ask if he thinks this amount is reasonable and in the past I worked very hard to make it work for him and still work. Some weeks he drives a lot for work and some weeks he doesn't. We don't know how much gas money he will need. I have suggested he take his mileage check and open an account that he can draw off of just for gas but he will not do it and this month that money was used to keep the lights on. It came in the day before we were to be cut off.

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