When spouse isn't trying...
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  1. #1
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    Default When spouse isn't trying...

    I am trying to figure out if this is even going to be possible with only one of us trying to get out of debt. We were going to have an extra $150 left for this pay period but before I had a chance to do anything, he spent it on something frivilous

    How do I do this when I'm the only one trying? Any advice?

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    Registered User Mamaw's Avatar
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    I understand what you are going through. I think you need to show him exactly where you are in debt and how much you are losing in interest payments. Then set an amount each of you have monthly for "fun". That amount is yours to do with as you wish. The rest goes to debt. Good luck

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    Registered User Englishlady's Avatar
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    Calculate how many hours Dh had to work to BUY the frivilous item, then show him
    also you could calculate how many hours/days weeks/etc, Dh will have to work BEFORE any of the money he earns is NOT owed to anyone!

    It might just do the trick

    I think it is very hard for the one trying to tighten the purse strings, it is very stressful, you will need to find creative ways of making him aware of what things cost.

    For example if you could work out the average cost of each meal you make & then mutiply it by week/month/year, & then show him

    Sometimes Men inhabit a different "reality" regarding money, UNTIL, that is, you show him the facts

    Good luck to you, I hope you find a way that works

    Karen

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    Registered User PrairieRose's Avatar
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    It's not easy, I'll tell you from experience. I had to do it that way for about 20 yrs. . We still had debt and one day I thought, Ok I'm gonna work us out of this if it kills me! Sooo I just started our snowball plan without Gripey (my dh) being aware of it. Ofcourse it helped that I was the one that paid the bills, etc. . So I was able to start and he never knew. He didn't actually find out until I couldn't stand it anymore and had to share with him where we were. I had paid off 3 debts before I sat down and showed him all the details. He walked away saying, I'm afraid you're gonna get us in a jam I was thinking, we're ALREADY in a jam!~ Anyway after I paid off a couple more, he started asking pretty often, where are "we" now? And before long he was telling all his friends about it. And now he's thrilled that we've paid all our personal debt off. You can do this, it's not easy but sometimes the men are slower to catch on b/c they really don't think it can be done. (I'm sure in some instances it's the women too) Don't give up, just keep trying, I'll bet eventually he's gonna jump on the bandwagon.

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    I ditto.

    It's the same here, dh was indulged as a kid and young man, by his parents who continued to bail him out so he took a while to learn.

    What has helped for us, and lot's of people is ALLOWANCES. Fun money.

    Not a ton of it mind you. But you each get the same, and it's got to last for frivolities like coffee, candybars, pop, magazines etc.

    Each payday dh and I take out the same amt of cash and it's in our pockets.

    Like a kid, when it's spent it's gone, better luck next payday. It's a teaching tool with kids, and adults both.

    And I suggest you freeze the card that you have for emergencies (literally) or else in the safe deposit box at the bank.

    Make one card for emergencies, cut up the rest, and don't just scissor them, you phone and CANCEL them completely so dh can't use the number still if he has it memorized for online or telephone sales!

    I also suggest that the one in the partnership who is the best at handling money, takes care of it. The responsible one.

    The other can spend his or her allowance, as they please but they aren't given freedom to spend what is already budgeted for other things. This isn't forever. It's too much child vs parent for a long term thing in a marriage, but it's something to do for a little while while the spending gets under control and till the spendy spouse wises up.

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    Member Darlene's Avatar
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    You could trade your hubby in for a newer model...naa then you'd have to teach the new one some of the stuff you've already tought this hubby. It's a viscious circle. j/k
    Ladies before me had some good advice, I just wanted to let you know that I'm cheering you on.




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    oh and have a little talk with the bank so you are aware of any credit lines or debts or other cards that you may not know of.

    Check thru the mail, keep an eye on the bills coming in.

    It may sound suspicious but when your partner has a problem, it's often bigger than it looks because they are hiding more. I found out some "surprises" when dh was in hospital once.

    He has changed a lot since but I do suggest you do him the favour of picking up the mail, and don't say why. just do it and if he asks, be sweet about it, saying something like oh honey, your so tired after work, I thought I'd deal with that little chore.

    BE REALLY suspicious if he appears panicky.

    But try to avoid the angry parent, defiant child pattern, because the spendy one will do the passive aggressive response which is agree to your face, but find a way to sabotage the money behind your back.

    Even if it's killing you not to scold, duct tape the lips, and maintain a nice "we are in the boat together, working together, no scolding" kind of attitude.

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    Thanks for all the responses.

    We have spent some time this morning discussing the issue and the use of fun money...giving him an allowance and when it's gone it's gone. Hoping that it works.

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    If it doesn't up the ante by taking more control.

  11. #10
    Registered User Jellybeanz's Avatar
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    My other half is the same way, has always been one to say he wanted to be free of debt , but never wanted to go thru the work of having to track his spending or cut back on certain things. LOL

    I have finally realized that even tho he makes it much more difficult I can't use that as an excuse to not work at this myself more diligently.. Somebody's gotta do something.. and somethings better than nothing lol

    Good luck.......

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    for the spendy one to say "oh yeah hon, I'd love to be out of debt!" you hear OH I WANNA GET CONTROL OF MY OUT OF CONTROL SPENDING

    but what he or she is really saying is : "and it would be so great to win the lottery!!!! I just have a wonderful feeling that someday we will be out of debt, so lets go get that lottery ticket, NOW!"

    It's about the same amount of desire, because it comes with not even a little effort attached.

    Oh it would be so nice to be out of debt they say, oh yeah honey, I totally agree. (but not if it means I have to budget with you, or stop buying computer games or put off my new train set)

    yup been there done that.

    dh is better than he used to be, he really tries now. Now we are about equal at our ability to shoot ourselves in the foot.

    LOL umm, but most of the time we are on the same page.

    Hope that gives you some hope for the future.

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    Registered User Jellybeanz's Avatar
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    Canadian Gardener , that is so FUNNY what you just wrote, because you managed to hit the nail on the head! He works construction so he's always buying lottery tickets when he's on the road and when he calls, I have to look up his #'s and see if he won. LOL Ya, RIGHT. I told him he's got a much better chance of getting struck my lightening, but he persists. As a matter of fact, spending money on lottery tickets is one thing I tried in vain to get him to stop doing.

    Just had to tell you how you nailed that one .

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    ROFL, I know, and sometimes you just gotta laugh or you'll cry or get really crabby. (which has it's place too) but laughing is more fun and get's the other spouse thinking as they laugh with you.

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