What's the point of family sometimes...LONG RANT!!!
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  1. #1
    Registered User Dutchie's Avatar
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    Default What's the point of family sometimes...LONG RANT!!!

    As I wrote in the general chat section I will be going to Harrisburg with dh this Sat. (leaving very early).
    Great fun and I am really looking forward to it (except for the flying part).
    Every Sat. we normally go to dh's parents to go grocery shopping for and with them. It gets them out of the house for a little while even if the weather is bad and a weeks groceries are later in the house. We usually drink coffee with them and visit for a while too.

    They are delighted for me that I am going with dh but I mentioned that of course we wouldn't be able to do the Sat. grocery shopping.
    I said to her, maybe you can ask his brother (the one who was married to psycho) to come by and do it for this one time.
    'Oh, no - was her answer, he has so much on his mind and so little time that it would def. be too much bother for him. I'm not going to ask him'. (For info - BIL visited them last Sun. for the first time in 3 weeks and when he was there he asked them to babysit his (and psycho's) son (also known as baby psycho now because of his behavior) for 2 days. When I said something about this to mil (as nicely as I could), she replied that bil does call her once a week - BIG DEAL!!!

    His sister 'has no time because she works so hard and she is alone so I don't want to bother her'.

    My niece and her dh could also not be asked because 'they have such difficult jobs, are having such problems with their relationship and have so little time, I don't want to bother them' (they are a young yuppie couple without kids who both work part time and live literally around the corner from my parents in law). They are in marriage counselling because they cannot agree on some stuff.

    Then there are the grown sons (both 32) of my sister in law, one doesn't live in the same city and is 'busy setting up house with his new bride' (they've lived together for 3 years) and the other (my words here) is a loser who wouldn't do anything for anybody unless he was paid well and even then only if he had had a long enough lie in.

    So as usual we will get it sorted out. My oldest son has said that if I don't manage to get there and do the grocery shopping for them on another day before we leave then he will do it on Sat. (He works very long hours but is always ready to help.)

    My dh works 80 hours a week and regularly works abroad. We have a large house, I work 3 days a week, I have 5 kids (ok some of them are no longer at home) and I also have my worries about my kids but we don't burden the rest of the family with them. We are not too busy to help out my parents in law, we just make the time and also see it as a priority.
    We get things done and try to solve things ourselves in our own family unit without 'tabloidizing' (don't know if this is a word, but I like it) our lives within the larger family.

    I do believe that when my parents in law are no longer with us, the entire family will fall apart.

    I am always extremely grateful that I can get it all off my chest on this forum.

    Thank you for reading!!

  2. #2
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    Hugs to you dutchie. My family can be that way too.

    I'd let the tabloids know you were going away and the family could look in on the in laws. Your MIL might not want to impose, but maybe someone else will actually step up.

    I'm sure MIL has learned not to reach out over years of dissapointment. That seems very sad to me.

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    Registered User Nada.Leona's Avatar
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    Should make you feel pretty good about your own life and relationship, if so many others are having such trouble.

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    Registered User NewLeaf's Avatar
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    My husband's family has deferred BIL to us. They expect us to help him and leave them out of it. We help as we can, usually not financially because he would spend the money on alcolhol. We send groceries and things like that.

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    Registered User Samigirl's Avatar
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    Perhaps you've been too available? If you feel taken for granted, maybe you need to back off once in a while, and not be available every single Saturday. Let the in-laws work something else out occasionally. Maybe your in-laws don't feel they NEED to go shopping every week....maybe they just enjoy your weekly visit. If they truly needed to go shopping that often; they'd eventually ask others to help (if you weren't always there to work it out for them).

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    Registered User JanieD's Avatar
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    Maybe the in laws just prefer your company. It has to be nice spending time with someone who isn't constantly sharing problems. It can be difficult to understand why others can't be troubled with a simple errand. However, I can understand why they wouldn't even ask. No one want to feel like a burden to others. You have to feel good that your son is willing to help out. I'm just sorry others aren't as responsible.

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    I have to say that I wasn't sorry when the family fell apart when my grandma died. No love lost between me and grandma, and me and my aunt and her 2 daughters (gran's favourites - nearly all the inheritance went there before gran died).

    Gran also had the habit of letting others know that my dad, her son, could/would not help her, so could the others please come and drive the 2 hours to help her out. We lived around the corner, visited every Sunday, and she just never asked us! this created quite a bit of family unpleasantness, as the other family members just did not believe gran behaved this way.

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    Registered User frugal is fun's Avatar
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    That conversation was the perfect opportunity to ask "what would you do if something happened to us". Would she shop on her own, would she ask someone, would she have to pay someone to help her?

    By all means, I'm not wishing you any harm but really, what would she do?

  10. #9
    Registered User IntlMom's Avatar
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    Sounds about usual to me!

    lol

    sorry, again, about the drama in your life! (how about I trade you some of my super boring, monotonous life, and we'll be about equal)


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    Registered User krbshappy71's Avatar
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    Sorry no one else is stepping up.

    It's just my brother and I, and he is definitely there for my parents more than I am. They don't ask, I don't offer, basically. He's the first born so I think they just default to him for most things. He takes care of their computer issues, and answers pretty much any question they have to anything. They only call me if they got his voicemail and absolutely think they need an answer. Heck, I think they google before they call me half the time. He has four kids, I just have the one teen left, so they definitely have more events and occasions for the grandparents to be involved as well.

    I'm the one taking mom out when she needs a break from dad, but other than that they go to him for everything else. I'm ok with that, I'd step up if asked but I'm not volunteering, they drive me nutty sometimes.

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    Registered User Dutchie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JanieD View Post
    Maybe the in laws just prefer your company. It has to be nice spending time with someone who isn't constantly sharing problems. It can be difficult to understand why others can't be troubled with a simple errand. However, I can understand why they wouldn't even ask. No one want to feel like a burden to others. You have to feel good that your son is willing to help out. I'm just sorry others aren't as responsible.
    You have hit the nail on the head.
    My parents in law would rather starve than ask anyone to take them grocery shopping.

    To be quite honest it is one of the things that annoys me about them. I have said to them time and time again, just call and ask if I can take you, for example to the dr. However as you say, they 'don't want to be a burden'- they have always been very independent.

    They never asked us to do the grocery shopping with/for them, we saw that they could no longer do it and we offered to do it. I don't say this or do this to get praise, I feel it is just one of the things that you do to help family.

    My peeve is that not one of the rest of the family would think 'oh yeah dutchie and her dh are not going to be here, let's offer to do the grocery shopping' with mom and dad.

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    Registered User Dutchie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by IntlMom View Post
    Sounds about usual to me!

    lol

    sorry, again, about the drama in your life! (how about I trade you some of my super boring, monotonous life, and we'll be about equal)

    Yes, it sounds usual - I had to laugh when I read this.
    I would trade in a heartbeat.

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    Registered User Dutchie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by frugal is fun View Post
    That conversation was the perfect opportunity to ask "what would you do if something happened to us". Would she shop on her own, would she ask someone, would she have to pay someone to help her?

    By all means, I'm not wishing you any harm but really, what would she do?
    I understand what you say.
    She has said that IF she were stuck in a situation that we
    weren't able to come then she would ask the cleaning lady who comes every 2 weeks to bring some groceries for her. But only in an emergency.

  15. #14
    Registered User JanieD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dutchie View Post
    They never asked us to do the grocery shopping with/for them, we saw that they could no longer do it and we offered to do it. I don't say this or do this to get praise, I feel it is just one of the things that you do to help family.

    My peeve is that not one of the rest of the family would think 'oh yeah dutchie and her dh are not going to be here, let's offer to do the grocery shopping' with mom and dad.
    I agree that its what families should do, but it rarely works this way. I think its sad no one else "notices" that they need to help. They have to realize it shouldn't fall to you to always handle things. Its time for them to help out, but how do you get them to do this?

    My thoughts are that many older adults almost refuse to ask for assistance. They want to remain as independent as possible & often need to be persuade. Its easy for them to see your assistance as more of a visit (shopping is sort of an activity you just do during the visit). Can you talk with any of the other family members & get them "involved" with errand type visits? I know its a pain to deal with, but they seem all to happy to let you continue handling things even when its incovenient. I hope they will step up & help out.

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