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10-02-2002, 08:41 PM #1
Where do I post?? Friend had miscarriage, what do I do?
I dont know who else to talk to about this. My closest friend has been trying to get pregnant for over a year. She found out 2 weeks ago she was 5 weeks along! We were so excited! On Monday she went in for an ultrasound and the fetus was not growing and the doctor said she will either miscarry it in the next couple days or they have to go in and remove it. I dont know the exact details...she was so shaken up I could hardly understand her.
I have never known anyone to have a miscarriage, and I am a fertile myrtle myself. I can get pregnant just by looking at my husband, and I have never had a single complication.
Just over 2 years ago we lost our best friend (another horrible story)...I dont know how she is going to take the loss of our friend and the loss of her baby. I am so concerned for her, and have been praying like crazy. But she is so upset and I have no idea what to do.
To top it off I am about to have a baby in a month. I know I shouldnt, but I feel guilty. I just cant see how anyone can take that. Its wasn't my baby, but i cant stop crying.
Has anyone gone thru this? what the best thing I can do for her? I know I hould listen and be there, but she is shutting me out...she could only talk for 5 minutes to tell me what happened, and then she quickly got off the phone. Thanks
10-02-2002, 08:49 PM #2
- Rep Power
Just keep on praying and be there when she is ready !! Sounds to me like you've been a good friend, she will be O.K., don't feel guilty.... You can't get too stressed out now... Think about your baby.......
10-02-2002, 09:06 PM #3
- Rep Power
Tara, I have been in her position. We tried to get pregnant for 15 years. In year #10, I did get pregnant, but as with your friend in my 7th week we found out it was an ectopic (sp) pregnancy. The night before my ultrasound, it ruptured, and I lost the baby and my falopian tube and had to have emergency surgery.
Be patient with her, this may sound cruel, but you may be the last person she wants to talk to right now because of your pregnancy. It isn't you the person. I can remember all I ever saw wherever I went were pregnant women. This is an extremely difficult thing to deal with mentally especially after trying for so long. During the first 10 years we were trying, my sister had 4 children, my sil had 2 children, and my step-son had 2 children. I have to honestly say I HATED any family gatherings and I have a very large family. Out of 7 children, I was the only one that was infertile. I never blamed the children. We were the ones that always had them for sleep overs, took them to amusement parks, had them over for craft days etc.... They still call me for sleep overs and the youngest is 11. I did resent the adults. I know it doesn't make sense, but sometimes you can't see things clearly when you are hurting so bad.
Just try and give her time, if she was happy about your upcoming baby before, she will probably come around in time.
I know you are hurting for her, but please think of your baby right now and take care of yourself.
Time truly does heal wounds.
I hope you have a healthy and happy baby.
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10-02-2002, 09:13 PM #4
- Rep Power
A few close friends of ours have miscarried and I usually send a thinking of you, loss card and make a small donation in their name to a children's charity. They have always called to say thank you and that usually reopens the lines of communication.
10-02-2002, 09:22 PM #5
- Rep Power
So true sewcrafty. I don't want to offer your friend false hope, but in my first pregnancy when I was 6 weeks along they told me the same thing. After 2 weeks I still hadn't passed the baby and I started cramping when I went in to the er they did an ultrasound and guess what baby was alive and well. She is now a very healthy 9 year old. I hate to think what would have happened if they had done a DNC. When I was pregnant with my fourth after trying for a year I had a miscarriage. It was fraternal twins and I only lost 1 of them 7 months of bedrest and whole lot of ultrasounds later I gave birth to a healthy baby girl, but the loss of the twin was overwhelming. Here I was pregnant and grieving the loss of a baby. 6 months after the baby was born my husband gave me an ornament to hang on the xmas tree to remember the baby I loss. It was the best thing anyone ever did now every year the entire family remembers the twin with that ornament as I cry and hang it on the tree. I have to say I could not have handled this at first, but maybe by xmas you could do this for her. I also could not have handled it w/o my best friend. So be there for her, ignore any resentment she might show you, and she'll make it through.
10-02-2002, 09:37 PM #6
- Rep Power
just be there for her if she needs you. I know you are tired, but listen to her if she wants to talk.I also lost a twin with my son, it is hard but she will make it. Just hang in there. take care of you and that new baby. GOOD luck and if you need us let us know.
10-02-2002, 10:58 PM #7
- Rep Power
I was in her shoes in between Lauren and Cannon.I had wanted so much to have the baby and was doing everything I was supposed to do.I even stopped smoking 3 months before we even started ttc.I went in for my first check up and they didn't hear a hearbeat and the next day we went in for an ultrasound and founf that the baby was 5 weeks gestation when I should've been 12.I had no idea if the baby ever had a heartbeat and I carried it for 7 weeks without one.I will never know.The Monday before we found out i quit my job because for 3 months(ironicaly my entire pregnancy)I was being sexualy harrased and finaly told dh and quit all this and it was a week before christmas.it was so hard no one around me even acknowledged it,the day after the ultrasound we went to a christmas party and i drank myself into an oblivion.Even the people around me who experienced the same thing didn't comfort me or want me to talk about it.One person said it rought back bad memories.Out of all the people I thought would care and know how i was feeling my sil was the worst.We later found out it was a molar pregnancy and we had to wait atleast a year to ttc again,after much research i was able to get pregnant with bubba.It was so hard though dh didn't know how to comfort me so he didn't at all no one did.I almost lost my marraige and friendships over this.
All I can tell you is don't push anything,but let her know that you are there for her and when she does come around be there for her with open arms.She might resent you cause you are pregnant,And be there for her whenever she needs you.It is hard to loose a child even if you have never met them or held them,its your child.My prayers are with you and your friend.
10-02-2002, 11:49 PM #8
- Rep Power
I think you should let your friend know you're there for her.Don't bring up anything about her ttc or losing the baby.Tell her you'll always be there for her and if she ever wants to talk...she knows where you are.Don't push the subject..let her come to you...and she will!!
I don't think she hates you for having a baby and you shouldn't feel guilty.
I've been in her shoes and I would hate to see my friends and family members get pg.It took me 9 yrs to have my second,with the help of fertility drugs.But I never hated anyone who got pg.The intial shock, I was hurt,but it wore off and I was happy for my friend/SIL/cousin/sister etc.....And I know she's happy for you.
Try calling her and letting her know you're thinking of her.Send her an email if she has a computer,or a ecard...just let her know you're there.
It's devasting to lose ababy,but she needs a friend.She needs lots of girl talk and hugs from you.....
Let us know how things go and take care of yourself
10-03-2002, 12:03 AM #9
I have been in your place. Along time ago, about 17 years, my best friend found out she ws pg. I was about to deliver my first. The week after I had him, she miscarried. She too shut me out. I sent her a card and told her I still prayed for her. When she had recovered somewhat she told me she just couldn't face me with my new baby. She said "I am sorry but you are the last person I can face. You have easily achieved what I have tried for, for 10 years and lost" We did eventually start talking again, then she moved and we lost touch. Just be there for her and realize its not YOU she is shutting out, its what you represent, something she cannot have. (at least not now)
HUGS and prayers to you dear. PM if you need to talk. I will help if I can.
10-03-2002, 11:51 AM #10
Ladies, thank you so much. I never realized how many people out there have gone through such a horrible thing. I am so blessed to have never gone through it.
Your advice has helped a lot, and I will just let her know I am here, and wait for her to be ready. Before she got off the phone, she told me she still wanted to be a part of the new baby's life. I hope thats true, and she wasnt just saying it to make me feel better. I would hate for her to come around and just be pretending to enjoy my new baby. I can completely understand why it would be hard for her though.
Anyway, I am so glad I posted this...i was skeptical at first. thank you for sharing your stories and advice. It means a lot.
10-03-2002, 12:18 PM #11
- Rep Power
Tara- I'm sure she won't just pretend to show a interest in the baby.She'll love your baby Let her be involved.When you long for a ababy like she does,even the little things help you feel somewhat better inside. When she visits,ask her to babysit while you go get a few groceries,or ask her to hold the baby while you make a phone call,go to the bathroom,get something for the other kids etc.....It'll make her feel better....trust me....I know from experience When I longed for ababy for so long,I would love to babysit,or help out with feedings etc....I'm sure she will to.
Do keep in mind though,it may take her a lil while to totally come around,but she will.Losing a baby is one of the worst things a woman can go through.
I feel you'll handle it very well though.You sound very stronge and understanding towards her
10-03-2002, 12:21 PM #12
I've been on both sides of the fence. Between my 1st and 2nd child I had 2 miscarriages. With both I was around 3 months and that babies weren't growing. I had to have 1 DNC and 1 I miscarried. When I finally got pregnant with my 2nd child I was so happy to get pass that 3 month stage. I carried her to 2 weeks from my due date. One day I had goteen up and went on about my day as usual but didn't feel much movement and just figured she was dropping and didn't have room to move. After not feeling her for the day and trying to get her to move, I decided I needed to go to the doctor. That was one of the worst days of my life, my doctor couldn't find her heartbeat. We immediately went to the hospital and had an ultrasound done but it was too late. I was induced and my daughter was a very healthy 7lb 13oz baby. Her death was caused by her umbilibal cord being tied in a knot and wrapped around her stomach and her neck. My sil had a new baby too and I couldn't go to any family gathering and I hated everyone, including my inlaws because I thought they didn't care about Brooke and didn't miss her because they had another new grandbaby. I couldn't stand to see pregnant people either. It was a very hard time.
When I was pregnant with my 3rd child, I too had a friend lose her baby. It was hard for me as well. I felt guilty just like you do but she was happy for me.
All you can really do is just like everyone says, Just be there for her. It's a tough time but time does heal, it doesn't seem so now, but it does. Maybe send her a card and just let her know you are thinking about her and you are keeping her in your prayers. When she is ready to talk about it she'll reach out too you and want to talk. Just give her some time and don't feel guilty. This isn't your fault and just remember it's not YOU that she's shutting out. Hope we've been of help too you.
10-03-2002, 12:57 PM #13
I miscarried when I was 5 months and had to have a DNC. I was living in England at the time away from my family~just my hubby and me. It was a very hard time. The worst things people can do is say~"you're young ~you'll get pregnant again" or being ignored by people you thought cared about you. Not saying anything (and I know a lot of people don't know what to say) but just to say I'm so sorry can mean so much.
I know it was very hard for me to be around pregnant women,and my sister just had a baby. She was one of those people that said "maybe you weren't taking care of yourself."
Just let your friend know how much you care,even if she doesn't want to see you right now, like Julie said it's not you,she is just in a lot of pain right now. The thing is I don't believe a wife and the husband are "allowed" to grief~they are just to move on quickly and forget. I miscarried over 15 years ago and I still get very sad and cry when I remember especially on the anniversary.
wife to Phil
mom to Jennie 14,Kevin 12, and Brian 10
10-03-2002, 01:23 PM #14
- Rep Power
Julie and Laurie...I'm very sorry about your loss
10-03-2002, 02:30 PM #15
Your stories bring me to tears! I am so sorry for each and everyone of you who have lost a baby. I can't believe some people would say "you'll get over it" or "you'll get pregnant again" or especially "you werent taking care of yourself". As if you dont already feel horrible enough.
I have learned so much in the last few hours from reading all of your posts.
This is going to sound weird but, it is nice to know that there are quite a few women out there who have gone through this. I dont mean its nice to have gone thru, but comforting to know she is not alone by any means.
Thanks so much ladies!
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