Venting...THE EX STRIKES AGAIN...
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  1. #1
    Registered User suebeehoney's Avatar
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    Default Venting...THE EX STRIKES AGAIN...

    (warning: vent ahead!)

    I placed this in the 'financial hardship' section because it seems that my ex labors under the delusion that I live in a constant state of financial hardship.

    He also seems to think that I'm starving DS18, who is his son. (DS12 lives with the ex.)

    Apparently, during our recent visit to see DS12, when DS18 was spending time with their dad, there was a conversation that kind of went like this (I wasn't there to hear it):

    EX: "Son, you're not eating enough - you're so skinny! Is there enough food at your mom's house?"

    DS18: "Yeah, Dad, there's food. I just don't feel like eating much lately."

    EX: "Boy, you sure are skinny. Listen, are you SURE there's enough food in the house?"

    DS18: "Yes, Dad, I'm sure. We're fine."

    EX: "Well, listen. Don't tell your mom I said this, but if you ever need money for food, I want you to call me. I'm serious - call me, and I'll send you money for food."

    ----------------------

    OMG. I mean....O-M-G. I'm angry beyond words at this latest insult of his. What's worse is that I can't say anything to the ex about it, because then he'll know that DS18 said something to me about their "private" conversation, and he'll take it out on DS18 - guaranteed.

    What the ex DOESN'T know (and what gives me a great deal of personal satisfaction) is that he's never, ever been able to keep DS18 from telling me what they talk about - especially the things that he says "don't tell your mom" about. I don't even have to ask - he tells me, because he feels it's unjust and inappropriate for his dad to expect him to keep secrets from me. DS12 is another story, since he lives with his dad, and is terrified of displeasing him, but DS18 will tell all, because he doesn't have that great of a relationship with his dad.

    When the ex called to talk to DS18 the other night, I REALLY wanted to rip into him about this. But I didn't. Because I don't want him to know that DS18 told me about their conversation. But it really, REALLY ticks me off that he has the nerve to say that I'm not keeping enough food in the house for DS18, and that's why he's so skinny. The kid is just naturally skinny - he was a skinny baby when he was born, almost no body fat. He became a chunky baby but then slimmed right back down again when he started walking, and has been very slim-built ever since.

    There is ALWAYS food in this house. No, it's not the junk food and sodapop that DS18 would like it to be, but there is good, healthy, nourishing food - all that needs to be done is to prepare it. There is always meat in the freezer, veggies in the freezer & cabinet, bread, lunchmeat and condiments for sandwiches, milk, eggs, etc. There is sometimes a little less food than I'd like to see here, but there is always something to eat, even if it's not exactly what we'd like. For instance, we may end up having breakfast for dinner (pancakes, eggs & breakfast meat) if no one took anything out of the freezer for dinner, instead of, say, lasagna. But we eat, and we eat well. Not lobster and caviar by any means, but we have food, and plenty of it.

    Maybe if the ex made more of an effort to see DS18 a little more often, he'd realize that.

    ok.... rant off. Sorry, just had to get that off my chest.

  2. #2
    Registered User Josephhgoins's Avatar
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    So Dad is sooo caring that he sees his son starving away and instead of trying to help, he insults Mom.

    Great Dad!

    Am I missing something here? Wouldn't someone who really cares about their child at least try to talk him into moving in? Or even better call you with actual concern and talk about it, maybe offer to do whatever he needs to in order that his son be feed properly.

  3. #3
    Registered User NikoSan999's Avatar
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    What an a$$...
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  5. #4
    Registered User suebeehoney's Avatar
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    Am I missing something here? Wouldn't someone who really cares about their child at least try to talk him into moving in? Or even better call you with actual concern and talk about it, maybe offer to do whatever he needs to in order that his son be feed properly.
    Nope, you're not missing anything. I think his sole purpose in life these days is to act all charming and nice in front of others, but tear me down behind my back.

    During the visit to see DS12, he made the following kind gestures:

    • gave me $100 to help defray the cost of the trip (which cost me about $1000 of my tax refund to make the trip-he lives in another state)
    • paid for lunch for us once
    • gave DS18 some money for helping him shovel out of the major snowstorm they had while we were there

    But my feeling is this: all the "nice" things he does are done with an ulterior motive. He wants to look like the big man on campus...the 'nice guy'....the 'good ex' in front of others. So he takes us out to lunch, magnanimously says "order whatever you want" and pays for it, but then behind my back, tries to make it sound like I'm starving his son.

    This sort of thing has happened over and over and over (ad infinitum) during the years since our separation & divorce. He talks to me on the phone, senses that I'm a little down or upset by the tone of my voice, cajoles me into talking about it, and when I reveal a financial difficulty that we're going through, he offers to help, sends money....which is fantastic, don't get me wrong - how many ex's do that? But what happens next is the kicker. Later on, could be weeks or months later, that "help" will come back to haunt me in the form of "well, I did *this* for you, so you need to do something for me" - like driving all the way back to his state to return one of the kids after a summer visit because he's "been working so hard and is just SO tired" that he can't make the trip to meet me half-way.

    Yes, financially, I'm not as well-off as he is - he's remarried and there are two very good incomes in the house. But that does NOT mean that I'm living in poverty or that we're starving. We get help from the state because of my adult, pregnant, single daughter living with me. I'm a single parent with 2 dependents living with me, making about $24,000 a year - so I'm by no means rich, but I'm not poor, either. He pays no child support because of the fact that there's one child of his living here and one with him - the state says neither of us pays the other anything.

    So the end result is that I don't reveal any details about anything to him anymore. Nothing, nada, zip. I used to insist that he pay half the expenses for our trips to visit him, because I was bringing HIS kids to see HIM (when they both lived with me). I don't do that anymore. And I sure as heck don't ask for any help with anything the kids need. If he offers, fine. But I won't ask. I refuse. Call it pride or whatever, but I simply won't do it. His son has clothing on his back (not rags, though I'm sure that will be the NEXT thing he will attack), food on the table and a roof over his head. That's all he needs to know.

    I'm looking forward to when he makes the trip HERE this summer when DS18 graduates from high school (first trip he's made here since we were still married and I was pregnant with DS18), and he can see that his son lives in a very nice house, that there is plenty of food in the cabinets and the fridge, that his son has plenty of decent clothing, and that we're not living in a hole in the wall, and no one is starving. I'll stop beating the dead horse now...

  6. #5
    Registered User monkeywrangler71's Avatar
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    What Niko said.

  7. #6
    Moderator mauimagic's Avatar
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    Hugs!! I am so glad that you vented and ranted here instead of to him. You are so much stronger than to get sucked into playing his game!! He's definitely not worth your energy!! Sounds as if you are doing a great job in raising your DS!! - That's all that counts!!

  8. #7
    Registered User Contrary Housewife's Avatar
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    You're his EX. Nothing you do will ever be good enough for his kid. I can understand how that frustrates you. I think you're doing right by not talking to him any more than absolutely necessary.
    Stop trying to organize all of your family’s crap. If organization worked for you, you’d have rocked it by now. It’s time to ditch stuff and de-crapify your world.

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