Failure to launch Kith.
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  1. #1
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    Smile Failure to launch Kith.

    hi I am the biological mother of 1 and step mother to 3...

    My biological child, she is 23 and wonderful...no mental illness, no drugs, no booze issues...No grand children for me to raise by her..


    My problem is she is 23 almost 24..she needs to get a job and go to to school..

    I don't pay for anything of hers except food and shelter...car insurance...( we do not have a car so we drive hers when needed) Long story ok..

    She is also in the national guard 1 weekend a month..

    this is just a place to vent, for tips or support..no bashing please....

    we all love our children....

  2. #2
    Registered User stinkbug's Avatar
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    If she is in the NG they pay for school. Do you live near a base?? My dd has worked on base ever since she's been in. She now has a fantastic AGR job. But there are always contract jobs also....she has never been unemployed since being in the NG (12 years)

    My older child is the one making not great decisions.....

  3. #3
    Registered User LynnLC's Avatar
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    Why is she not working?

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    Moderator Ceashels's Avatar
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    hugs. I'm seeing a lot more of this amongst my friends who have children in their early 20's. It seems to be more than just a "homebody" issue.

    My bff is trying to slowly wean their son out of the house as well. He is in his early 20's and they just started charging him room and board this year. They were hesitant to do so after graduation because he didn't have anything more than a part time job bussing tables.... well why would he get a job if they were footing the bills? Surprise! He has now landed a full time job and kept his part time job so he can save and buy himself a truck. He will soon be paying for his own cell phone (yes, they payed that too). Now granted he is shy and doesn't present himself well to strangers because of it... but he spent his days laying in bed till noon and playing video games or hanging with his friends for several years without consequences.

    Perhaps it is time to start charging for her food and shelter? What are the going rates for small apartments in the area? Can you lay out a plan to start getting her accustomed to paying perhaps half of the going rent rate then every 2-3 months boost it upward 10% till you hit the rate? She'll need to move out sometime and she'll need to get a job to afford to live in or out of your home.

    I hope this helps... sometimes fledglings just need a boot off the branch.

  6. #5
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    she is working 1 weekend a month..and this is her job ..I would like for her to work more.but jobs are hard to find here..very small town..people are hanging to their jobs even poor paying ones..

    she is very much a homebody..she loves to be at home....

    she will do anything I ask her too, but she does not have the intitive ...( sorry I ca not spell a lick)


    small apartment are going for 400 - 600 a month..unless it is public housing then that is based on income..

    she is going to college and is doing extremely well..
    she can not live with people for a long period of time..they get on her nerves..she is a solitary person..

    I don't care if she pays rent or not..hubs on the other hand....

    she has been in a depression since she got fired at her last job..(this was not her fault) we had a Tornado to clean up after..she missed 4 weeks of work, then a 2 week drill she missed work, then when she got back she had her 2 week paid vacation scheduled, she went 1 week to Disney and 1 week to the Bahamas..( non refundable
    so they trumped something up to fire her..and one of the managers told her it was coming..in an email...
    she did not fight it

    I want her to go to work, help with the house work, and her own groceries........keep her suite clean...

  7. #6
    Registered User StartingOver's Avatar
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    My oldest DS is lazy at home, and at home only.

    He just turned 19 and will be attending a local university starting next week. He currently is working 2 pt jobs and volunteers once a week at a hospital, and he's a good student.....So I get that he's busy.

    His room should be condemned. It got so bad that I had a heart to heart talk with him. I told him if he didn't start keeping his room clean (putting clothes in the laundry room, taking all dishes upstairs to be washed) I would give him a bill at the end of the month for maid & laundry service.

    The month ended and there was no change. I typed up a bill for services rendered and stood in front of him until he paid me upon receipt of the bill. (I actually put the money in a savings account I have for him).

    He's really picked up the pace since then. Is it perfect? Absolutely not! But it's a heck of a lot better than it was.

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    the thing that is pissing me off is she moved her best friend and her husband in with us 2 days a week... so now I have 2 more kids to raise..and I don't want to..mine is enough..

    and I have faith she will be ok..she may never keep her room clean..she will work..she is trying to bide her time until she gets her associate degree...

    but the other 2 are dragging her down......

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    Holy crap. I felt a little sympathy until you allowed her to move in two grown folks into YOUR home. My husband would have flipped. Hell, I would have flipped.

    aint no way!

  10. #9
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    I don't know how to make them go away...I am at a loss

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    First, you tell your daughter to get her friends out of your house. NOW! Tonight!

    Then, you have a heart to heart with your daughter about her goals in life, etc. I get that she is young, but she cannot live with you forever. What are her plans? Is she in school now trying to get her Associates? What is her major? You can't do much with an Associates degree. And at her age, she should already have that. Even with going part time, she's been out of high school for 6 years at least.

    I love my children also and I'm guilty of being a bit too co-dependent. I pick up their rooms and make their appointment for them. But, you need to give her a little more rope so she can start to think about what to do next.

  12. #11
    Registered User skybluepink79's Avatar
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    you tell them to leave, if they ask why inform them it's your house and you weren't asked if they could stay. I'd give them a week to move out at most. Or you could always start chargeing them rent and give them a bill after every meal like a resturant. I'd also have a long talk with dd and lay down some ground rules if she's going to keep living there. I never conisdered living at home after high school because I had what the rules would be laid out for me ahead of time. As long as I was in school room&board along with my car would be paid for, but no boys in my room, no friends spending the night without permission and if i was going to be coming home late or staying the night else where my parents had to know where and with who. I moved out the same night I graduated with only a part time job at walmart. I felt if they still got to keep tabs on me just because i lived there it was no different then high school. I'm 29 know get along great with them and have never even considered moving back home.

  13. #12
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    my husband is about to flip his lid..we are struggling...

    the other 2 lugs would not have a way to college if they did not stay here...

    they will not drive so they can not go to work....(they live out in the boonies) we live in town....

    I am truly at a loss..the female is my daughters best friend and her mother is my best friend...

    If it was her I could probably suck it up..

    but the man and I use that word loosely....gets on my last nerve...

    he avoids my husband..( he works like 2 dogs doing hard back breaking labor) like he is ashamed..and he always has a headache..but can watch tv or play on a dang phone...

    and the girl has blue hair....

    ( My daughter has pink her drill sargeant will kick her a##.)


    and the 2 lugs that are not mine weigh 300 lbs a piece at least..)

    I don't care if my daughter ever moves out I JUST WANT HER TO HAVE A JOB AND GO TO COLLEGE AND GRADUATE.... and she is a straight A student......

    which is what I keep telling her..these 2 lugs drag her down.....she does so much better without them..

    and the best friend her mother tells me the exact same thing...that they are 2 lugs with out a purpose in life except to eat and watch tv..

    thye live with the boys mother who will not make them lift a finger....grr

    so it is up to me to kick these kids in the ass..can u guys just help me and not bash me..

    I love these kids...

  14. #13
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    it is only 2 night a week..not full time...I don't want them here it is a burden on me...

    Paige suffered at lot her senior year in high school..her grand mother died the day that her high school boyfriend broke up with her..I kicked her because of her attitude. Her brother almost died that year...Her uncle went missing that year.. and her dad lost his job ..all this happened with in 6 months..

    she was a mess for 2 years...and then she straightened her self up she only came home last year..

    she is majoring in Psy..but she is leaning towards social work..she does not want to because that is my career choice...

    please don't bash..advice please

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    Have your dh tell them to get out. Sounds like the husband is already a little bit afraid of him. You don't have to be the bad guy here- you and your husband are a team. My husband does some things l don't like to do, I do others that he doesn't. In our house, dh would be the kicker-outer, especially if it were my best friend's daughter. He can tell them to move out and that you support that decision. Then don't let them move back in.

  16. #15
    Registered User Ayanka's Avatar
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    A big hug to you OM this is not an easy situation.

    Since they are living with you for 2 days a week, could you make a deal with them that they do some chores for you? Especially the back breaking ones you and your hubby don't like or the ones you have to do every day and you don't like. You could also charge them a small amount of money for the space take in. If they hate work that much they will leave. If they don't stick to the deal, then throw them out. It will probably feel more fair to your daughter because they had a chance to proove themselves.

    For your daughter tell her what your fears and wishes are, not about her friends, not about school, but really for Her.

    And last but not least, don't give up . 3 years ago (at age 22) I was a mess , and it didn't get really better by coming home. However I am now appartement hunting with my BF, my contract should get a permanent one in 10 days and generally I am doing better. And yeah I had some friends my mum didn't really like (although I didn't bring them home, but thats another story).

    Oh and please tell the girl with the blue hair she is so destroying her hair. I am so sorry for it, the hair that is.

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