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Thread: Very frustrated...
07-01-2007, 11:02 AM #1
I've posted before about how to get a husband into being frugal. Well, I'm super frustrated right now. We had a small savings acct that had money in it that we owed my mil. I found out this week hes been dipping into it. His bank acct was getting low so he started using the savings, which isn't our money really and he knows it. We also get dinged HUGE for every withdrawal on the acct.
All month I've been faithfully putting loose change into my change jar. Not only small stuff but some big coins as well (loonies and toonies)... I counted it today as its the first and I've only increased by $2.00. There was no big coins and only 2 quarters in it. The rest was little stuff. This is soppused to be our spending money for our holidays in December. At this rate we won't have anything to spend. He just thinks we'll have money.
I've tried talking to him about the grocery budget but it just doesnt' matter. He has to eat a certain way. No cheap steaks or anything like that. I'm ready to pull my hair out. He just does not get it. When I try to tell him we don't have much money, all he sees is that there is money in the bank.. never mind that in my budget, two months down the road we are big time in the negative.
I'm so sick of living like this... beyond our means... but I just can't do it alone.
07-01-2007, 11:20 AM #2
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Nicki, I feel for you. Some people just cannot handle money...period. Your DH may be one of them. Assuming he's not out to purposely sabotage you because of myths he believes about frugality.
My SIL is a person who cannot handle money. The only way to deal with it that I have seen work is to have a completely separate account with only your name on it...no joint accounts with individuals like this, unless you don't mind kissing the money goodbye.
I've also seen DD#1 hide the money, not tell her DH there's money there. Anything to keep him from spending it. She's in a more precarious situation though, he'll actually go in debt to get things he wants, which can be deadly.
Sorry I'm not much help, but when cooperation doesn't work, it's time to get meaningful about the business, in my humble opinion.
Another approach you could take is to approach your church or someplace for financial counseling. Seems this is a big issue for your DH, if not just you.
Last edited by peanut; 07-01-2007 at 11:22 AM.
07-01-2007, 11:30 AM #3
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I am sorry your DH isn't on board with you. That sure makes things frustrating for sure, especially when you are saving and he is spending.
I don't think we should hide things from our DH's, but maybe you can just "accidentally" forget to tell him about opening your own savings account. Also you may want to start a new change jar in a hidden place where DH wouldn't look. Just leave the other as is and when it is gone he won't have anything to raid. Maybe when all the joint savings and change has disappeared, he will realize what you have been saying.
Good luck to you.
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07-01-2007, 01:02 PM #4
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Your Money or Your Life
If you can get him to read it ... Your Money or Your Life is the perfect book. After reading it, you WANT to save money. You feel EMPOWERED. You feel ripped off by blowing money in a Coke machine rather than putting money toward what's important in YOUR life. You make plans, dreams. You learn to focus on the bigger picture.
07-01-2007, 03:01 PM #5
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I think you should sign up for Financial Peace University and ya'll should go together as a couple. If he listens to Dave Ramsey I think he could very well have a change of heart about getting out of debt. It is offered at churches at a reduced rate of $99.00. You don't have to be a member of that church to take it either. We offered it at our church and had people from different churches attend. You won't regret taking it. It lasts about 13 weeks.
07-01-2007, 05:09 PM #6
My Dh has learned to be frugal, now he is more frugal than I am. I just had to show him the money coming in and what money goes out each month.
Here is an idea that may help you:
My local Vons has gift cards. They have Visa cards that you can buy for whatever amount. You could give him a prepaid visa card, and that way you would not have to worry about the bank fees.
07-01-2007, 06:19 PM #7
I am so sorry that you are going thru this but I was there not that long ago. Dh and I would actually fight about money and it was getting bad so finally I told him that this is what we have and this is what goes out each month so I don't know were you think the extra is at but it isn't here. Also as for the change jar I would ask him about it and tell him that you are saving that for your holiday this winter and if there is no money there what are you going to spend. Also for the savings for what you owe mil why not give her what you have right now and that way he can't touch it. I would make sure she knows why there is not a lot there when you give it to her also.
I think you and he need to sit down and really talk about it and put it on paper if he won't talk about it write him a letter and explain to him what is going on. Maybe if it is on paper he will get it and understand it more. Just because there is money in a jar or account doesn't mean you have to spend it.
07-01-2007, 07:33 PM #8
Mom my is a recovering gambling addict and she has a trick she uses that might be useful to you as far as MIL money or other big bills go.
She has an envelope for whatever bill she is currently working on that sits on a bookshelf. She knows she can not trust herself with large amounts of cash or high bank balances so when ever she has extra money to throw at the bill she gets a money order and immediately fills it out to the company in question and sticks it in the envelope. Once it is filled out it can only be cashed by the payee so she can not access the money for any reason. She just keeps collecting them until she has enough to pay the bill and sends them all in at once.
She chooses to do them all at once to keep off the collection agencies radar. In many cases the debtors have ceased to bother her via phone or mail as the debt is very old. She wants to pay off what she owes but at the same time really doesn't need the stress of collections agencies hounding her again because she sent 5 dollars to a company on an inactive 7 year old bill. Sending the money orders in all at once allows her be honest and pay her debt without having to deal with rude bill collectors.
07-01-2007, 08:03 PM #9
I'm sorry to hear this. I really hope you two can come to some sort of agreement for the sake of your family. I know there is nothing worse than going into debt and being the one trying to keep it from happening. I was just like your dh a month ago! AND my dh refused cheap food too. Now I've made a budget and that's that. He's going with the flow and is handling it well. I just started living with cash. I would tell him the amount that is his for the month which includes gas for him and when the cash is gone that's it. It really helped us realize how to live with a budget.
Hang in there!
07-01-2007, 08:59 PM #10
Hide your savings. I have been doing this for over 20 years if I didn't we wouldn't have anything. Some never learn.
07-02-2007, 12:13 AM #11
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I opened a CD in my name only, or we would never have any money.
07-02-2007, 10:16 AM #12
My bf is like this with his money. What gets direct deposited into his bank account is his to deal with. One child support payment is deducted asap and what gets deposited is truly what he has left to pay bills. He then deducts money for his 2nd child support payment and gives it to his ex. The rest goes to his bills (cable/internet, phone, rent, car ins, gas, grocery, fun money etc) and he has to practice not spending his money all at once or else he'll go w/o until next pay which is 2 wks later.
Since he's been with me, he's learned to make his $ stretch farther. He knows I like going out on weekends even if its just walking around a mall with a cup of homebrewed coffee but its still 'out' and that costs gas. We usually eat one 'nice' (moderately priced) meal out/wk. He used to spend all his $ on whatever he needed/wanted and go w/o $ for the wk and half until the next pay but now he's learned to pace himself b/c he feels awful about not being able to 'provide' when we're out together. (You know, the 'just in case' money)
He's also learned to give up a few things in exchange for things he truly wants. (aka he'd rather go out to dinner once/wk with me vs wings & beer with the boys twice/wk or whatever else they think of)
He's not fully on the frugal bandwagon yet but he does buy weekly groceries now vs eating out all the time, he brings his snacks with him whenver possible to avoid eating junk when we're out running a lot of errands, he brings his lunches to work. He actually buys enough groceries for the wk vs having to make a few stops at the store during the wk which would end up costing him more and tempting him more with impulse buys.
Now, if only I could get him to hang/air dry his laundry, handwash his car vs going through carwash and plan his driving route for errands vs running here and there and backtracking all the time, to use reusable containers for food/drinks vs plastic bags or plastic wrap and to buy in bulk and portion it out vs buying individual portions.
If only right? It all starts with baby steps, Im just gald he saw the same light that I did. He was always wondering how I managed to have 'spare money' for piddly things/activities when we'd be out together!
To the OP of this thread.....Id go with opening up an account only in your name AND tell him about it and why you've chosen to do so. Dont be scared to announce the fact that he will NOT have access to it and you've done this to ensure your future financial stability. What I think would also help would be if you were to scratch it all out on paper - the money that comes in, show how it would go out and perhaps introduce him to the idea of 'blow money'. Once its gone, its gone until next pay. Remind him bills come first before trinkets and toys and med quality food is still better then low quality food. (I dont know why he think foods have different levels) What if you were to use med quality food and add one high quality food so he wont notice that hes comprimising?
Last edited by Libby; 07-02-2007 at 10:21 AM.
07-02-2007, 11:44 AM #13
take all the money out of the savings account and pay back you MIL and then let him handle the finacnces. They you don't have to worry and perhaps he will see that there is no "extra" money available.
Sorry about the difficulties but money problems is the number one cause of divorce. You have to be on the same page or it's just going to cause a lot more heartache for everyone.
07-02-2007, 01:05 PM #14
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Men are such ignorant creatures. If I were you, and of course, I am not, nor am I aware of all the details, but I would open my own savings account, and I would not tell him about it, why open it up to him trying to raid that too (Rule to live by:always have something to cover your own butt should you decide to walk) pay back MIL with what is left and tell her that her son is responsible for the balance by ___date. Also make sure you have no joint credit with this man because if he is this irresponsible you don't need him destroying your credit. How does he expect you to feel secure in your future with him if he cannot prove he can be a responsible adult? MEN!
07-02-2007, 05:56 PM #15
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I'm so sorry he's being a stinker about handling ....
I haven't got any advice, just wanted to send you aKace - Always pinchin' pennies!
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