punched in the gut: my child said they were gay!
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  1. #1
    Registered User Buckeye5's Avatar
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    Default punched in the gut: my child said they were gay!

    As if the last 4 years haven't been hard enough, one of children told me and DH they are gay, and have known for awhile. Shocked, angry, scared, just a few of our emotions. Mourning their future, what should have been, and won't be, society judgments, violence against gays, we are scared and heartsick. Uncomfortable subject for those who think it is impossible for this to happen to them: not impossible, I am living it. We live in smalltown USA, Christitan based, living amongst people who won't understand, hell, I didn't even understand it. Anyone here, have a gay child, and experienced this?? Help me understand it all!!
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    Registered User thesightofoneself's Avatar
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    the shame....
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    Registered User MomToTwoBoys's Avatar
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    I think that the best thing you could do right now is to be openly honest about your child's sexual orientation. Your first reaction is always going to base the rest of your future relationship with him/her (I say that because you didn't say if it was a son or daughter) upon your feelings toward the subject. They're going to be gay no matter what.

    I don't think that it's anyone else's right to judge how your child's sexual orientation is. Besides, if they find out and have things to say about it, what place is it for them to do that anyways?

    Being gay and telling your parents is hard enough as it is. Being gay and growing up in a Christian based environment makes it even harder.
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    Registered User Buckeye5's Avatar
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    What the heck does that mean? The shame...? I am not ashamed of my child....I love them. My child is wonderfully kind, funny, etc. I feel many things but shame is not one of them.
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    Moderator aka AmyBob AmyBoz's Avatar
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    What your child needs now is your 100% unconditional love and support. This is your child. I realize that it may be harder on some parents to hear than on others, based on their personal feelings about homosexuality, but at the end of the day, what your child needs right now is you. No judgement, no guilt, no harsh words. Just you and your love.
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    Registered User redhead68's Avatar
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    Your fears and concerns are totally normal. I suggest looking for a support group like PFLAG. You might be surprised to find out just how many parents in your small community also have gay children. You are not alone.
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    Registered User Buckeye5's Avatar
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    We have been very honest, and it took a lot of courage and strength for our child to tell us this, especially knowing the conservative base of the environment in which they live. I love my child. Some people think sexuality doesn't matter until it happens to you. I was one of them, believe it does matter. This is hard, we have been dealing with it for awhile now, my parents would never understand, etc.
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    Registered User Dancing Lotus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by thesightofoneself View Post
    the shame....
    Now wait just a minute. She didnt' say she was ashamed. What she said was she is shocked and worried. You could be more constructive and offer some insight rather then trying to make her feel bad for being confused. Try to understand it from the perspective of a mother. To know that your child won't have the traditional nuclear family that you assumed they would, to know that child is about to face a difficult lifestyle. NO Parent, no matter what the situation wants their child to be judged and ridiculed. I think her feelings are based more on concern then shame.

    Buckeye5. Your child will have enough judgment to handle. The best thing you can do is say" I love you. I don't know how we are going to get through this but we will." There are groups for parents of Gay children , perhaps you can find one in your area. I'm sorry , I have no incite because I have no experience with it. But I wish you luck.
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    Registered User thesightofoneself's Avatar
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    when i read your post i felt that it was hostile and i thought you had a problem with your child being who they are


    granted it is called "punched in the gut: my child said they were gay!"


    Last edited by thesightofoneself; 07-22-2009 at 12:20 PM.
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    Master Dollar Stretcher madhen's Avatar
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    I think it is wonderful that your child trusts you enough to tell you something that he or she knows is a very difficult thing for you to accept.

    It sounds trite, but I am reminded of the movie, "Guess Who's Coming To Dinner?" If you are familiar with the movie, you'll understand why. If you are not familiar with the movie, I strongly recommend you watch it. You might even watch it with your kid.

    Your job now is to be supportive and to let him/her know that you don't feel any differently because of their "confession." I'd sit down with your child and talk to them about how HE or SHE feels, rather than about how you should feel about it.

    For better or worse, if your child is gay, what "should have been" is exactly what is happening. There is no lost future, just not the one you expected. Yes, society can be hard on people it does not view as "normal", and moving forward from the lie your child was living to the truth can be difficult for some to accept, but there is no reason to "mourn" over it, and I'd be careful, when sitting down to have that conversation, that you don't use words that make your child feel that he or she has somehow destroyed your happiness. There will be a time for you to talk about your feelings, but that time is not right this minute. Right this minute is time for you to set aside your concerns and be there for your kid.

    And again, I think it is wonderful that your child trusts you enough to share such a personal and difficult secret.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Buckeye5 View Post
    What the heck does that mean? The shame...? I am not ashamed of my child....I love them. My child is wonderfully kind, funny, etc. I feel many things but shame is not one of them.
    That was an ignorant statement!!!!!!!!!!!!1
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    Quote Originally Posted by AmyBoz View Post
    What your child needs now is your 100% unconditional love and support. This is your child. I realize that it may be harder on some parents to hear than on others, based on their personal feelings about homosexuality, but at the end of the day, what your child needs right now is you. No judgement, no guilt, no harsh words. Just you and your love.
    ABSOLUTELY AGREE!!!!!!!!! This is EXACTLY what Buckeye's child needs
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    Registered User Buckeye5's Avatar
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    To thesightofoneself: Hostile...you're kidding right. Do you have children????? I do want my child to be themselves...that is why my child had the courage to tell us...we taught her that!!! Do you know how many gay people have a violence act committed upon them?? People die for "being themselves." I am not hostile towards my child, in fact, the complete opposite, however, I feel hostile towards you in this very moment. I love my child unconditional, and we have been honest and open, cried together, and have listened to each other. I have accepted this, but it is hard. I am proud of my child, and they know it.
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    Registered User thesightofoneself's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Buckeye5 View Post
    To thesightofoneself: Hostile...you're kidding right. Do you have children????? I do want my child to be themselves...that is why my child had the courage to tell us...we taught her that!!! Do you know how many gay people have a violence act committed upon them?? People die for "being themselves." I am not hostile towards my child, in fact, the complete opposite, however, I feel hostile towards you in this very moment. I love my child unconditional, and we have been honest and open, cried together, and have listened to each other. I have accepted this, but it is hard. I am proud of my child, and they know it.
    i dont know what its like to be a mom of a gay child but you dont know what it's like to be glbt. and your words speak for themself

    Shocked, angry, scared, just a few of our emotions. Mourning their future, what should have been, and won't be, society judgments, violence against gays, we are scared and heartsick. Uncomfortable subject for those who think it is impossible for this to happen to them: not impossible, I am living it.
    Last edited by thesightofoneself; 07-22-2009 at 12:29 PM.
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    Registered User Buckeye5's Avatar
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    craftypam...?????? ignorant statement I made...what the heck? you have it all wrong. My child knows she is loved. Yes, it is one of my girls. We have been supportive and not judging her, just trying to understand the implications that she could encountered. You have it all wrong, we are open, hell, I have even met her SO. It is not easy. She knows how much we love her, and we have made it so she can be open and honest and shre her thoughts and feelings. She is scared too. She isn;t stupid, reality check: this is a scary thing for her and us. You think that I have shunned my child...not even, she ahs had more hugs and kisses in the past year then in her whole life. SHe knows that we are here for her, and she is still as important to us as she has ever been. She knew she would still be loved when she told us, that is why she told us. You are way off base.
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