Adult grand-daughter issue...
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  1. #1
    Registered User mombottoo's Avatar
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    Default Adult grand-daughter issue...

    Our grand-daughter (who lives out of state) messaged me last November right before Thanksgiving to ask if she could join all of us in Michigan for our New Year's trip (an annual event). I was elated that she wanted to join us & told her "of course, we always have room for you". Her next message to me was that it wouldn't only be her but, her partner too and they wanted to bring their boyfriend with them. Until that point we were under the impression our grand-daughter was gay and didn't even know they had brought a male into their relationship roughly 1 1/2 years earlier. I told her I'd have to discuss it with her grandpa, which I did. We decided that we weren't comfortable having her & her partners come together at that time because, 1) I didn't know how many rooms I was going to get at the hotel and wouldn't know until the 2nd week of December, 2) even if I got the number of rooms I requested it would put others who were coming on the trip in an uncomfortable situation and 3) we had just found out about the 3rd party and had never met him before. We did offer to put the 3 of them up in a hotel near us, with the understanding that party #3 couldn't go on the trip but, they could all come to our home on the days we weren't gone, giving us a chance to get to know party #3. Needless to say our grand-daughter didn't take our decision very well and has tried to rally her immediate family into boycotting us, until we change our minds about letting the 3 of them stay in our home.

    Her older sister & her husband chose not to abide by the younger grand-daughter's wishes and were here for a visit from July 29th through yesterday. We had a wonderful time. While she was here she brought up the situation with her younger sister and she agrees that offering to put her sister & her 2 partners up in a hotel room when they come to visit is a reasonable solution. She then encouraged her sister to talk to me, which in young people speak means message me. The younger grand-daughter messaged me but, since we are standing by our decision we didn't get far other to tear open old wounds. I had warned my husband that if we didn't let her bring both of her partners with and allow them to stay at our home, we'd probably never see her again and I fear I was right.

    I don't feel we are in the wrong here. It is our home and we get to decide who & who does not stay in it. Not only that when we go on the New Year's trip, we are the ones who foot the bill. Just as we foot the bill when any of them come to stay at our home. Thanks for letting me vent.
    "Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans." John Lennon
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  2. #2
    Master Dollar Stretcher madhen's Avatar
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    I think your concerns are reasonable, including not wanting a complete stranger on a family trip. Maybe you can address it with her again later, when emotions aren't so raw. From your side of it, it sounds like she kind of ambushed you, getting you to say yes and then throwing in that she was bringing an entourage (complete with stranger) with her. If you have a chance to discuss it again, I would stress points 1 and 3 more than 2. This guy is someone she apparently accepts, and it might make her upset that you don't immediately trust her judgement.
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  3. #3
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    well you are right you get to decide who stays in your house and putting them up in a hotel is very nice of you. all I can suggest is staying that maybe they visit before the trip and you get to know them first and then make the decision.

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  5. #4
    Registered User MaggieTru's Avatar
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    Yep. I agree you handled it well. YOu didn't judge her relationship and life choices, you are clear that the issue is the fact that partner #2 is an unknown quantity. Taking a trip with an unknown person new to a big group is always risky and often (usually?) ruins the trip for everyone. Your grand daughter made her own choices, one of which seems to be to set herself up for hurt feelings and another is to stir the pot with relatives trying to make them pick sides and boycott people. It seems like this was boundto happen on the trip as well but perhaps for another reason. As my favorite buddhist, Pema Chodron, says "boundaries are good." It's your boundary to have known people on the family trip. It's a good one. The offer to put the grand-d and her partners up at a hotel and welcome them into your home so you could get to know the new partner was/is more than generous.

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    Registered User Contrary Housewife's Avatar
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    I agree with you that this is your home and you set the rules. GD's timing was poor and she's angry she isn't automatically getting her way. You're not obligated to pay for anyone on this vacation and it was generous of you to offer to pay GD's way. If it was me I'd keep stressing that I love her, and would like to meet her partners.... at a different time.
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    Standing your ground was the right thing to do. You are the homeowner, not a landlord.

    I was speaking to my mother years ago and she told me that my sister, my sister's children, and my mother were coming out to visit me. Oh, and I had to pick them up at the airport and they were all staying in my home. All 4 of them. I told Mom that she was sent photos of my home and I don't have any extra rooms. She proceeded to tell me that my sister and herself were taking the bedrooms of my 2 kids and all the kids could sleep in the basement. I said the basement has no beds and is 300 sq ft of hard flooring. I told her she needs to rent a car, drive the tribe to a nearby hotel and stay there. We'll all get together after I get home from work! Of course, her feathers got ruffled and she decided she wasn't coming at all. Great!

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    Quote Originally Posted by rujerro View Post
    Standing your ground was the right thing to do. You are the homeowner, not a landlord.

    I was speaking to my mother years ago and she told me that my sister, my sister's children, and my mother were coming out to visit me. Oh, and I had to pick them up at the airport and they were all staying in my home. All 4 of them. I told Mom that she was sent photos of my home and I don't have any extra rooms. She proceeded to tell me that my sister and herself were taking the bedrooms of my 2 kids and all the kids could sleep in the basement. I said the basement has no beds and is 300 sq ft of hard flooring. I told her she needs to rent a car, drive the tribe to a nearby hotel and stay there. We'll all get together after I get home from work! Of course, her feathers got ruffled and she decided she wasn't coming at all. Great!
    wow ! I remember bunking up in bedrooms when family visited as a kid but they were invited first. normal thing. we all slept on mats on the floor etc but wasn't an issue like camping fun ..lol cousin son gave up his bedroom when we visited but then we were invited to stay. we didn't tell them to do that. we just wanted to see them when we were there.

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    Registered User MaggieTru's Avatar
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    Being "invited" is they key. Having someone announce they are arriving and what the arrangements will be is, in my opinion, pretty presumptuous.

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    I think you handled it well. It sounds like she was trying to manipulate you to me. There's a lot of this behavior now. People are getting political with their families.

  11. #10
    Registered User mombottoo's Avatar
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    Thank you everybody. Your responses have helped and I've actually been telling myself those things since this all transpired last November. I love her dearly, as I love all of my grandchildren dearly but, I have to admit she is the most bullheaded one of the bunch.
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    Registered User bookwormpeg's Avatar
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    Many years ago we met a couple, where I don't remember, but they lived in another state.....they had our address.....one day I hear a knock on the door and there they are with their two kids, much older then ours.....they are on vacation....they are staying a week.....no notice...no nothing....I had to put these people up for a week..... feed them...entertain them....I was only in my early 20's and had no voice back then....if this had happened in my 40's their butts be at a motel.....

    I think you handled it well....your house, your rules.....hope your grand daughter comes around...

  13. #12
    Registered User KathyB's Avatar
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    My mom once stayed and slept on our couch. She is short and slim to medium build.

    She once tried to arrange for my brother and his girlfriend to come visit us. She said they can sleep on our couch. It is not a pull out bed, just a regular couch. My brother is a large man and his girlfriend is plus size. Either one would be incredibly uncomfortable on the couch. Both of them would be physically impossible.

    She mentioned that since my adult son moved out we should have a spare bed. I said no he took his bed and all his bedroom furniture with him. She thought that was odd. I feel like it would be odder to make him get all new stuff when we had stuff he could use. I was told that the standard thing to do was to keep the adult child's former bedroom as a guest bedroom if family wanted to visit.

    So the visit fell apart because my mom wanted to do this big family vacation but did not want to/could not afford to pay for anything more than airfare.
    KathyB

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    Quote Originally Posted by KathyB View Post
    My mom once stayed and slept on our couch. She is short and slim to medium build.

    She once tried to arrange for my brother and his girlfriend to come visit us. She said they can sleep on our couch. It is not a pull out bed, just a regular couch. My brother is a large man and his girlfriend is plus size. Either one would be incredibly uncomfortable on the couch. Both of them would be physically impossible.

    She mentioned that since my adult son moved out we should have a spare bed. I said no he took his bed and all his bedroom furniture with him. She thought that was odd. I feel like it would be odder to make him get all new stuff when we had stuff he could use. I was told that the standard thing to do was to keep the adult child's former bedroom as a guest bedroom if family wanted to visit.

    So the visit fell apart because my mom wanted to do this big family vacation but did not want to/could not afford to pay for anything more than airfare.
    pretty normal to take the bedroom furniture when you move out as an adult. I can see if it is just a twin and you want to upgrade. Maybe your mom was into wishful thinking or thought you would run out and get a bed or fold out couch. Hopefully that was before all the cheap blow up big air mattresses! I can see people saying just buy that.

  15. #14
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    I think you did the right thing. You gave them options, rather than a firm "no - end of story". Personally, the hotel room was a good choice and option for everyone involved since it would give the gd and partners a chance for some privacy, away from the family.

  16. #15
    Registered User CPA-Kim's Avatar
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    You gave them good options and were very accommodating and kind about it.

    I wouldn't want anyone from another state in my house during a pandemic outbreak, but that's another topic
    Kim
    The Lord will provide

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