Ugh... he's killing me here! :P - Page 3
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  1. #31
    Registered User Happy Dope's Avatar
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    SO mad.... bought him a humidor for Xmas last year, and we've had nothing but problems with it. However, they wouldn't send us a new one, just kept sending us replacement parts and giving suggestions. Hello??? I spent $150 for that thing!! Then, when they finally gave in and said they'd replace it, they were out of stock for months... and months... and months. He went and opened it yesterday, and (wait for it) MOLD EVERYWHERE!!! All over the interior of the humidor and his hundreds of dollars worth of cigars. So pissed of, can't even tell you how infuriated he is. And, to make matters worse, they're telling me they can't refund my money - they can just send him a new humidor. There's no way I'm accepting a replacement from that company. I wrote to the manager, since, according to the employee I spoke with, he wasn't taking any calls (funny, he kept putting me on hold to talk to him). I said that a replacement was no acceptable, and that nothing had gone right frome the start!!

    Grrrrr..... what's your take? $150 down the toilet?

  2. #32
    Registered User Happy Dope's Avatar
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    BTW, I printed out pictures that I'm going to put up on the fridge before he gets home tonight:

    - House he fell in love with where we want to move
    - His dream car
    - His dream occupation
    - A sign that says "Welcome to _________" and names the location


    Hee hee hee.... and I finally am taking a stand on our finances and wrote down a list of what's just not happening anymore and the things that are going to change around here.

  3. #33
    Registered User greekislandgirl's Avatar
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    First, I feel you on the undiagnosed gallbladder disease. It only took 3 years of my life, but that was more than enough. Since having mine removed in March, I am a new person. Yes, it mostly wiped out our savings at the most inconvenient time, as you read, but I would be lying if I didn't say it was worth it. I'm glad you got that taken care of.

    Second, I get some of this from my husband too. My husband is not by nature frugal, but he is frugal because of the circumstances. The result of that is he tries to find loopholes... there aren't any, so we have to make them.

    Here's what I did. I'm not saying it worked perfectly or it will work for you but it's what I did:

    I sat down with him and asked him what his financial goals were for the next oh, thirty years. I wrote down every one of them. There weren't many: have a wedding celebration with our families, buy (actually design and build) a house, get a new car around 2020, be able to travel regularly, including internationally, and be able to attend cultural events like concerts, operas, theater, regularly. Then we decided when we wanted to meet these goals and how much money we wanted to put towards them. We set generous goals: €25,000 for a new car even though we'd probably be getting a used car, for example. Then I added a few of my own (emergency fund, dental / optical fund, house furnishing fund) and set time goals for those.

    Then we moved on to savings and income. We looked at everything that we have and everything we have coming in. I was prepared in advance with an explanation of what our basic survival expenses are (food, essential bills, car payment, rent), and showed him how much we'd have to put aside to make our various goals.

    Then I turned it all into a weekly line-item budget. There are over 30 categories (they're pretty specific: cleaning supplies, haircuts, ferry tickets) and assigned an amount to each category, which accumulate when not used. I showed him that we have €6.75/week for going to cafes (this is one of his favorite things and he would like it to be much higher) but if you don't go at all one week, the next week it's €13.50.

    I asked him to be super patient the first week. Almost all the money accumulated (doubled) for the second week. I made sure to tell him. This gave him a sense of momentum and like waiting was paying off. It tripled the third week, and so on. This got him on board. Seeing the money build up to an amount that he felt was a good, not cheap amount made him feel less poor.

    Ultimately, it's important for us to keep communicating and when he does spend money that I wouldn't spend, I never criticize or complain - I just quietly work it into the budget. He'll ask some other time how much money is in a given category and respect that. Once in a while he goes over and I don't make a big thing of it. I know I can move things around enough to take care of that now and then. It keeps him from feeling like spending an extra five cents will start a fight (huge no-no) but it also keeps him motivated to save money.

    I also routinely let him know how much we have saved for the savings funds he most cares about (the wedding, especially). When I told him we have over €3300 saved for the wedding, he was so impressed and happy. It is starting to feel real because we actually have the money.

    I don't know if this is helpful or not ... anyway, hang in there - it's worth fighting for financial freedom I think!

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  5. #34
    Registered User Happy Dope's Avatar
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    Thanks!

    Gallbladders stink, and I hope mine is miserable somewhere without me! LOL Happy you finally feel better as well (((hugs)))

    I'm going to try to break everything down the way you described in your budget and see how it goes with him tonight.

    Wish me luck!

  6. #35
    Registered User Happy Dope's Avatar
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    Wow... holy crap... we sat down and talked about this tonight when he got home, and he's totally on board!!!!!!

  7. #36
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    Quote Originally Posted by Happy Dope View Post
    All I hear is "I'm so tired of not having money to do anything."

    How do I respond to that?
    go on line, find some videos of desperately poor, starving people in Africa and Asia and point out how darn 'rich' even poor people in America really are? Unfortunately it would probably just tick him off more.

  8. #37
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    Quote Originally Posted by Happy Dope View Post
    Wow... holy crap... we sat down and talked about this tonight when he got home, and he's totally on board!!!!!!

    WOOHOOO totally awesome. Be sure to thank him a whole bunch. I use this tactic and it helps
    ~Russ

  9. #38
    Registered User Happy Dope's Avatar
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    Woooooppppeeee

    So when I went through all the new ideas I have to save us money, he agreed and said that they're things we should be doing anyway. I also made a list of things I'm thankful/proud of him for doing. He was kind of surprised I did that but happy. IDKY he was surprised, as we always thank each other for everything the other does.

  10. #39
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    but sometimes, from what I have discovered, is that EXTRA amount of thanks is surprising to them and much more appreciated.
    ~Russ

  11. #40
    Registered User Happy Dope's Avatar
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    Thanks, Russ. I agree.

  12. #41
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    I agree. "It goes w/o saying" is an old expression. I feel it should never be used in maintaining a relationship. People need sincere thanks,appreciation and to be noticed for their efforts. I thank my DH for working hard and coming to our financial class because being married is no excuse to stop praising someone.
    And it that light-You done good.

  13. #42
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    Greekislandgirl seemed to have the best advice. It's what would probably work with me, if we were in your situation. It IS what worked for my wife, as she is the lesser frugal of our union.

    Quote Originally Posted by Happy Dope View Post
    Woooooppppeeee

    So when I went through all the new ideas I have to save us money, he agreed and said that they're things we should be doing anyway. I also made a list of things I'm thankful/proud of him for doing. He was kind of surprised I did that but happy. IDKY he was surprised, as we always thank each other for everything the other does.
    I'm glad you did this. Thanking when things are done is great, but I also believe in thanking and praising when it's not expected. It makes a bigger impact, and tends to mean more.

    Calm communication is key. Expect failures, big or small, and move on from those failures. If it seems like too much at once, back off in one or two areas to focus on some other important areas.

  14. #43
    Registered User katybug's Avatar
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    HD~

    Now I can offer a different perspective, as I'm 28, been in pain everyday (sometimes a little, mostly a lot) due to a car accident and it doesn't look to be going away any time soon. Your husband needs to grow up, stop whining and put on his big boy pants. I KNOW what he is going through and I've managed not to be a selfish prat about it.

    Right after my accident I had a few weeks to sit and think, because I couldn't do much else. I can to some interesting conclusions about myself, by asking the questions *what do I really want* now I"ll admit for me that comes after doing all the frugal things. But mostly I've done less and enjoyed more and by less I mean a less different things and focusing on what I really want. To give you examples I enjoy music, so I've taken more time to just listen to my collection, learn lyrics, make mixes and generally enjoy what I already have. Also to research new music more thoroughly, like I like score music, so I'll watch the movie and pay attention to whether I actually like the music vs. just getting it because I like the composer (you can adjust that to any of his interests, video games, etc).

    I also like cooking and I needed to be healthier and been taking the time to find better recipes and then trying to perfect them. I also like things that are creative (that is my interest generally) so I'll spend time watching movies I've never seen, looking at people's blogs or getting books from the library on different subjects.

    I mean has he even used everything he has bought? I found I haven't and that has kept me busy a long while. Would he buy things used or on sale? A dvd/cd/video game is the same new or used (as long as it is in good condition).

    Also has he looked at other options for helping the pain? That is one of the only things I don't mind spending money on. For example is he getting enough pain meds? People who aren't in chronic pain don't understand, sometimes you can't *will* the pain away. I know I'm a completely different person when my meds have brought my pain to a tolerable level. If your doctor isn't giving you all you need, find another one, and try everything. I found the same medicine in a patch didn't do anything for me, but in a cream it is fantastic! When I'm working on my pain it helps me feel a little less depressed about it.

    Don't get me wrong I have awful days and I'm a whining little prat then, but if I'm having a comparatively good day I'm not bringing everyone else down around me.

    Frankly he sounds spoiled. Most people don't get everything they want when they want it all the time. He needs to get over himself and start looking inside himself for entertainment and ways to make him feel better about his situation instead of looking everywhere else.

    KB

    P.S. Sorry this sounds harsh but being in chronic pain isn't a free pass to irresponsibility. You need to be a grown up even when you are off the clock!

  15. #44
    Registered User katybug's Avatar
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    Ok my last post sounded way way way harsh and I didn't read the second page and it seems like you are already working on some things. I guess I just didn't want you to give him a free pass because of his pain, or let him guilt you into anything.

    The only reason I suggested talking about what he really wants is maybe he is just reacting and not thinking about what he is doing or is it a pain fog and not giving his actions enough thought.

    Also I've heard guys do better with crunch numbers rather then emotions, like you could track spending and savings and present him with the results. Like someone posted once about a hubby buying little snacks and sodas and lunches and whittling away $500 over the course of the month. She tracked it and presented him with a question, would he like $500 to spend on whatever, he was like *YES*, well you could have had it if you didn't buy all those little things. It had an impact if I recall.

    At a certain point he does just need to rely on himself for being happy with what he has and what he can do and have. Yes we all want more, but if you focus on the former instead of the latter you will be much more happy.

    Please pm me if you have any questions on meds, maybe I can give you ideas that would help your quality of life!

    (As you can see, suffering pain is very near and dear to my heart).

    <3

    KB

  16. #45
    Registered User katybug's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Happy Dope View Post
    Wow... holy crap... we sat down and talked about this tonight when he got home, and he's totally on board!!!!!!
    Yea, see, I missed this post. WTG HD's Hubby!

    ~KB

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