Ugh... he's killing me here! :P
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  1. #1
    Registered User Happy Dope's Avatar
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    Question Ugh... he's killing me here! :P

    Ok... I love my husband. He's my best friend. High school sweetheart. Love of my life. BUT... he's one of the least frugal people I know, even though his mom is the Queen of Q-poning. I'm a very frugal person, even though my mom doesn't have a cheap bone in her body!

    We're trying to pay off our debt so we can save money for a down payment and move. We've been living in our current (and first) home since 2005 and really need a new place. This is entirely too small for us! I've been couponing like crazy, watering down dish soap and laundry detergent, shutting off every light and unplugging appliances, being a major DIY-er, etc. He finally, and begrudgingly, started freezing his meat so it didn't go bad every week. Also, MY IDEA and MY DOING, we got rid of our premier tv package with all the movie channels. He's none too happy about it... but it was costing upwards of $200/month!!! We have probably 100+ movies in our collection AND Netflix! He hates his car (2005 Jeep Grand Cherokee Laredo), but it is in excellent shape and will be paid off in November. Finally, he stopped looking at cars online. But, he still wants to go out every weekend and spend $$ we don't have.

    He's not down with my couponing craze, even though this past weekend, we saved $98, and tonight we saved $17. I try to tell him that these little things add up and will help us pay off bills and let us move quicker, which he also desperately wants.

    I just don't know how to get him on board here. I'm trying to show him how much we're saving with these seemingly meaningless changes, but he doesn't seem to care much. I know it's because his mom has been a coupon nut all his life and he's tired of it.

    Any ideas? Advice? Suggestions?

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    Registered User Contrary Housewife's Avatar
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    What does he want to spend money on? Why does he want to go out? Is he shopping for entertainment or does he feel he "needs" things?

    Does he need a (budgeted) allowance?

    Where does he want to be financially in 5 years? 10? When he retires?
    Stop trying to organize all of your family’s crap. If organization worked for you, you’d have rocked it by now. It’s time to ditch stuff and de-crapify your world.

    If you're not using the stuff in your home, get rid of it. You're not going to start using it more by shoving it into a closet.

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    Moderator Ceashels's Avatar
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    I have a friend who doesn't coupon or shop loss leaders because she saw her stay at home mom do this every day. Now she seems to view it as an "all consuming" task with little reward.

    You might want to start talking with him not about the little ways to save but the bigger goal. "What things do we want in our future home?" "How will this new home make living together easier?" Don't allow it to become a gripe session about your current living situation as that will lead to frustration.

    Remind him through gentle words that the things you are working toward are far better than the short term "feel goods" of the weekend.

    You could also take that money that you saved from couponing and shopping deals and put that in a separate envelope. At the end of the month or 3 months.... take it out and let him see how much you really were able to save. It might serve as a huge reality boost to count out several hundred dollars that equates to items in the new house (new appliance, larger kitchen, square footage, etc.).

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    I would start by sitting him down and telling him how important it is to you. Then, I would ask him for one month, one month of him making an effort.
    Then at the end of the month, show him the result, and thank him. Tell him how much you appreciate the effort and sacrifice he made.
    Now I know you are making them as well and are doing MORE than your share and you deserve a ton more appreciation, but the point is trying to get him on board. So, if you have to lay it on thick and it accomplishes the goal, then spread it with a frickin shovel!!!!!

    Maybe if he sees some progress and sees how MUCH it means to you and how happy it made you, he would make a little more effort.

    Good luck!
    ~Russ

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    Hmm. One thing I'd try is an accounting sheet. Either add up the savings you have made re the couponing, etc. and keep a running total or take a goal amount and keep deducting what you've managed to save/paid off. Post it on the fridge. That way he sees it every day.

    Let me tell you as a 55 yo who's married to someone with the same attitude, I'm scared to death about what happens when DH stops working. I just (yesterday) got him to agree to do a plan with me, a "worst case scenario" re the money, that is, he loses the job, tomorrow. The real answer? We'll starve and lose everything right now, if I can't get us out of debt and a few more dimes in the savings account or something else happens, we'll be out in the streets in about 3 months.

    Don't talk to him about the "long run" that's what I did. My DH always seemed to think that there's lots of tomorrows left AND the savings weren't significant!

    Judi

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    Registered User Happy Dope's Avatar
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    Thank you all for responding!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by Contrary Housewife View Post
    What does he want to spend money on? Why does he want to go out? Is he shopping for entertainment or does he feel he "needs" things?

    Does he need a (budgeted) allowance?

    Where does he want to be financially in 5 years? 10? When he retires?

    A little background:
    My husband has been sick for almost a year now (got suddenly and chronically ill on Sept 12 last year, had to go to the ER). He has had so many tests, procedures, appts, ER visits, etc. He also had a cholycystectomy in February (just months after mine, after I was sick for 17 years and no one could figure out why... argghh talk about missing work money and medical bills!!!). That should've made him better, but he's only gotten worse. He's been to 6 doctors now, and they still can't figure out what's wrong with him. He's such a trooper... goes to work everyday, tries not to complain... IDK... but he's an amazing man...

    Anyhoo, we both take a weekly allowance of $100/each. That pays for gas and incidentals, and maybe a meal on the weekends. He gets a serious case of cabin fever, especially in the warm weather, so just staying at home is out of the question.

    What does he want to spend money on? Sometimes he just wants to buy himself something to make himself feel better, since he's sick and in pain just about every second of his existence, I guess. Right now, we have a very, very small house, so when cabin fever hits, it's not pretty. I've tried just taking a walk with him, but he needs to get out and go somewhere. He's a gadget guy, so he has a PS3, WII, tons of games, a brand new smartphone (but I gotta hand it to him - he actually paid nothing for the phone AND we got $$ BACK from it! One of the few frugal bones in his body....), and iPod... so of course, his favorite store is Best Buy.

    For future, in 5 years, he wants to be living somewhere warm (we live in MA). 10 years? I ask about longterm, and he just says he can't get past today because he just wants to feel better. He's only 28yo, so I doubt I can get any retirement goals out of him.

    Yaaarrgghhh!!!! Just frustrated

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    Registered User Momto5RN's Avatar
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    has he read dave ramseys financial peace- i find that alot of guys who read his book syddently get it better because its about a dve who had all the toys and stuff a guy could want - lost it all and lost it all and realized hwo umiportant those things were as compared to debt.

    i have a chronic illness also - and no amt of nice new things will remove the pain and if anything it will make me feel worse as when i worry about debt the stress makes my symptoms worse.

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    Registered User Happy Dope's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ceashels View Post
    I have a friend who doesn't coupon or shop loss leaders because she saw her stay at home mom do this every day. Now she seems to view it as an "all consuming" task with little reward.

    You might want to start talking with him not about the little ways to save but the bigger goal. "What things do we want in our future home?" "How will this new home make living together easier?" Don't allow it to become a gripe session about your current living situation as that will lead to frustration.

    Remind him through gentle words that the things you are working toward are far better than the short term "feel goods" of the weekend.

    You could also take that money that you saved from couponing and shopping deals and put that in a separate envelope. At the end of the month or 3 months.... take it out and let him see how much you really were able to save. It might serve as a huge reality boost to count out several hundred dollars that equates to items in the new house (new appliance, larger kitchen, square footage, etc.).
    I wish he could see couponing as a bigger reward! Over the years, he's seen his mom save, literally, tens of thousands of dollars with them. She is one smart woman. He got really aggravated last night, though. We were at BJ's getting toilet paper and paper towels. We're now starting to shop the first week of the month, one big shopping trip, and freezing, canning, etc. I had a bunch of coupons for our purchase, but the self-checkout line at BJ's is just plain frustrating sometimes. First, the coupon box was full (which it obviously wasn't), so a clerk had to come over to fix it. Looked at hubby, saw him getting a little irked. Then, a coupon wouldn't scan. Clerk had to come over again. Things are getting tense in the checkout lane. She scanned it with her card. All right. I tried to scan the rest of my coupons, which were all correct, wasn't trying to screw anyone over, and she came over, opened the coupon box, compared them to my carriage and coupons I still had left to use, and said that I had too many coupons! After more tension and me showing her that I do not, in fact, have too many, she grumbled and put them through. By that time, hubby was noticably agitated. Oh joy. Still, saved $17.00!! Did he care? Nope. He mumbled something about not worth saving 2 bucks. Awesome.

    I've tried sitting him down and showing him that saving money is going to kill our $8k debt, let us save for a down payment, and get us out of here! For a man who's a genius, still not getting through - it always turns into a gripe fest!

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    ummm,
    Well, I'll be blunt. Not usually my style, but...

    He needs to grow up. Video games will not take away the pain. It's only a short term feel good thing and as soon as the new game wears off, he wants another.

    However... you also have a "feel good item" although I guess I am assuming they are all yours.
    How much do all the animals cost you each month?

    Mom to 7 awesome furbabies
    Opi (AKA my Happy Dope) and Bam (my puppies)
    Mr. Peanut and Dough Boy (my kitties)
    Duke, Lola, and Tinkerbell (my bunnies)
    So, is this an equitable budget for "feel good items"?

    I'm not judging, just pointing out something I noticed.
    ~Russ

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    Registered User Happy Dope's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Russ View Post
    I would start by sitting him down and telling him how important it is to you. Then, I would ask him for one month, one month of him making an effort.
    Then at the end of the month, show him the result, and thank him. Tell him how much you appreciate the effort and sacrifice he made.
    Now I know you are making them as well and are doing MORE than your share and you deserve a ton more appreciation, but the point is trying to get him on board. So, if you have to lay it on thick and it accomplishes the goal, then spread it with a frickin shovel!!!!!

    Maybe if he sees some progress and sees how MUCH it means to you and how happy it made you, he would make a little more effort.

    Good luck!
    I'm trying to tell and show him how important it is to me AND him...

    He has such expensive taste in everything. I, on the other hand, still have clothes from high school. He said last night that he doesn't know what changes he can make. He has started freezing his meats and taking his lunch to work with him.... and then he asked what I've been doing (and it was kind of a sarcastic question). I started naming off the things I've been doing, and he had a comeback for all of them. Watered down the soap? Oh yeah, that's why my pants didn't get clean the other day. The mark on the leg didn't come out. Buying stuff to make jewelry and sell it? You haven't sold any of it - you just keep buying and buying. Etc., etc., etc.

  12. #11
    Registered User Happy Dope's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Judi Dial View Post
    Hmm. One thing I'd try is an accounting sheet. Either add up the savings you have made re the couponing, etc. and keep a running total or take a goal amount and keep deducting what you've managed to save/paid off. Post it on the fridge. That way he sees it every day.

    Let me tell you as a 55 yo who's married to someone with the same attitude, I'm scared to death about what happens when DH stops working. I just (yesterday) got him to agree to do a plan with me, a "worst case scenario" re the money, that is, he loses the job, tomorrow. The real answer? We'll starve and lose everything right now, if I can't get us out of debt and a few more dimes in the savings account or something else happens, we'll be out in the streets in about 3 months.

    Don't talk to him about the "long run" that's what I did. My DH always seemed to think that there's lots of tomorrows left AND the savings weren't significant!

    Judi
    My god, Judi, that's just scary. I've been keeping the receipts because I insisted we start a food budget (we were over $500/month and it's just the 2 of us!!!!!), but now I will definitely do a spreadsheet!!!

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    Registered User Happy Dope's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Momto5RN View Post
    has he read dave ramseys financial peace- i find that alot of guys who read his book syddently get it better because its about a dve who had all the toys and stuff a guy could want - lost it all and lost it all and realized hwo umiportant those things were as compared to debt.

    i have a chronic illness also - and no amt of nice new things will remove the pain and if anything it will make me feel worse as when i worry about debt the stress makes my symptoms worse.

    No, he hasn't read ANYTHING about finances. He wants to read/watch stuff that won't make him feel worse than he already does right now. However, I'm going to make him read it. Thanks so much for the tip.

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    Registered User Happy Dope's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Russ View Post
    ummm,
    Well, I'll be blunt. Not usually my style, but...

    He needs to grow up. Video games will not take away the pain. It's only a short term feel good thing and as soon as the new game wears off, he wants another.

    However... you also have a "feel good item" although I guess I am assuming they are all yours.
    How much do all the animals cost you each month?



    So, is this an equitable budget for "feel good items"?

    I'm not judging, just pointing out something I noticed.
    LMFAO @ Russ!!!

    Oh god, I needed a laugh. Thank you.

    Nah, our animals are OURS... he's a big animal person like me. He's a great "dad."

    Our dogs are the only ones who cost us a significant amount of money. They do require special food, my geriatric Beagle (my Happy Dope, pictured) takes a lot of meds, and my Bulldog just got over a terrible skin infection caused by an unknown allergy ($270 later...). The 2 of them cost a lot in terms of food, vet visits, and meds. We get everything as cheap as we possibly can, but I'm always looking for more frugal ways!

    The cats and buns cost maybe $40 max, and that is food and litter for everyone. I get coupons on everything and buy from a local food/grain store that is much cheaper than a pet chain.

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    You need to sit down, together, and make a budget that includes a line item for his "toys". BUT... it needs to be limited, not unlimited. One game a month, or whatever. But once that budget is gone, thats it, he has to wait until the following month.
    ~Russ

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    Registered User Happy Dope's Avatar
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    All I hear is "I'm so tired of not having money to do anything."

    How do I respond to that?

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