he's driving me bonkers! help!
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  1. #1
    Registered User crafty73's Avatar
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    Default he's driving me bonkers! help!

    my bf has moved in with me and b4 he did so, we discussed finances. We talked about splitting expenses 50/50 etc. It was 2 good 2 be true lol
    He has contributed around the house doing chores and painting my livingroom and kitchen, installing new lights and outlets...here's where i get a bit cranky....when he gets $, he goes on a spending spree for himself, new clothes, cigs, dvd's, electronic equipment etc....he's not helping with groceries, utilities etc. Its starting to really annoy me and when i do bring it up, all he says is he has already contributed by painting the kitchen, livingroom and installing new lights and outlets (back in august, its now oct)...i live in a tiny house 800 sq ft. its not like i was slaving him to do any of that, he had offered. but when it comes time for bills, food etc, he wont give a penny. he gets mad if i bring it up and calls me a nag. i just feel that we should b equal partners.
    he also cant stand how i love being frugal lol i love coupons and looking for good deals etc. he doesnt believe in frugality.

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    Registered User Momto5RN's Avatar
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    wow so does your cooking and vaccuming and doing laundry etc etc mean you dont have to pay for anything either .

    he is not paid help that is swapping repairs for room and board he is part of a couple or supposed to act like one .

    does he have a job ??

    i seriously think dave rasmey should have a dating website for frugal singles !

    its very hard to make someone who wants the toys want to save and i see so many kindhearted frugal woman used by men who are really boys and will never grow up.

    not saying that he is that type of guy for sure- but he is on his way if he doesnt straighten up.


    next time he calls you a nag tell him i would call him a leech .

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    Registered User mslolsalot's Avatar
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    I now it's hard because you care about him, but you really have to stand up for what you believe and not let him keep behaving this way. It sounds like he's being very disrespectful, and you don't deserve that. It won't get easier as time passes. Sorry to be a downer, but I'd say you have to give him the ultimatum to pay his share or move out. *hug*

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    I agree with the PP. He is being very disrespectful. How long have the two of you been together?

    Who paid for the paint, supplies, etc. for all of the work he did? Not to mention, if he is living there, he should help out with upkeep anyway.

    I would sit him down and give him an ultimatum. Write a list of how much rent costs, utilities, etc., split it in 1/2 and let him know how much you will expect him to pay each month. Tell him that you wouldn't have to "nag" if he would grow up and act like an adult. Okay, maybe you don't want to be so harsh, but you get the idea. If he doesn't like it, he can find another place to live.

    Just my 2c. I wouldn't stand for that, especially from a SO.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Kitten20 View Post
    I agree with the PP. He is being very disrespectful. How long have the two of you been together?

    Who paid for the paint, supplies, etc. for all of the work he did? Not to mention, if he is living there, he should help out with upkeep anyway.

    I would sit him down and give him an ultimatum. Write a list of how much rent costs, utilities, etc., split it in 1/2 and let him know how much you will expect him to pay each month. Tell him that you wouldn't have to "nag" if he would grow up and act like an adult. Okay, maybe you don't want to be so harsh, but you get the idea. If he doesn't like it, he can find another place to live.

    Just my 2c. I wouldn't stand for that, especially from a SO.
    What she said. Things don't have to be exactly equal, but things shouldn't be completely one sided, either. He apparently doesn't care much for your feelings.

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    Another way to calculate contributions to the household is that you will both have the same amount left. So, if he makes 4,000 and you make 3,000, he contributes 2,000 and you contribute 1,000; leaving 2,000 in both private accounts.

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    Registered User crafty73's Avatar
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    Thank you everyone for your advice. I like the ultimatum idea lol At this point, I think I'd be happier alone haha

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    Registered User Josephhgoins's Avatar
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    I wish you luck in what you choose to do.

    Personally, there are more fish in the sea and I would try to find one that meets my needs a little better.

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    Amy Dacyczyn says in The Tightwad Gazette that it should be a red flag to singles that it is soooo hard to get spouses on board. Better spend a little longer looking for someone whose financial philosophy matches yours.

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    Registered User Greebo's Avatar
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    So he lied to you about contributing 50/50.

    Sounds like he needs to go live on his own again.

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    When we were roommates, I had a notebook... All of the expenses that were shared went in it:

    rent $100
    electric $30
    phone $50 (basic fee, we paid for our individual long distance)

    So at the beginning of the month, we each owed say $90, using the example above. Whenever either of us bought groceries, paid a bill, etc. it was noted against our "account." Some months DH (who was my last roommate...long story) paid the phone bill and the rent, some months I did. We were students, and our income was based on hourly wages, and it varied.

    But argument time? No. The bills have to be paid, they were split, as agreed. Then it's there in dollars & cents. It doesn't matter if he washed dishes all week, or you did, the bills were a separate deal. If he or I didn't pay, it was there in black and white. The notebook was done in PEN by the way, so no fudging and we talked about it as I updated it. I'd tell him. "I paid the rent this month, you have to pay the phone bill." etc. It was an ongoing negotiation.

    I don't know if this idea will work for you, but that's what we did. Before we wrote it down, it was a scramble, and things got "hot" around the bills. After writing it down, it solved that problem.

    [btw, if this doesn't work, or something else for say 3 months? I'd throw him out. If you love him, that's great, but why would you want to be partnered with someone who won't pull their own weight? My sorry if it seems harsh...my 1st hubby was a mooch, so it's a "hot button" of mine.]

    Judi

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    Registered User Greebo's Avatar
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    Unhappy

    Quote Originally Posted by crafty73 View Post
    Thank you everyone for your advice. I like the ultimatum idea lol At this point, I think I'd be happier alone haha
    Be clear on this.

    YOU ARE NOT MARRIED.

    Don't make a joke out of it - it's damn serious.

    I got married the first time *HOPING* that it was the right thing. *HOPING* that things would improve. They never did, other than very briefly just to satisfy me in the short term.

    Financial problems and financial fights are the LEADING factor attributed to divorce in this country. Do not take this lightly. Either you and he can work on the same page on this, or you cannot and if you go forward with this man, you are setting yourself up for YEARS of frustration, anger and unhappiness if you don't find a system that works.

    PLEASE do not take this lightly. This bum either needs to be a man and pull his weight or you need to get him out of your life. If you don't insist on one of those options, then the only alternative later will be to shut up and live with it, cause you've been in this situation long enough that you won't have an excuse to complain cause it'll have been your fault.

    I'm not trying to beat you up - I hope you understand that - I'm trying to get you to see that a little short term pain now (fix it or boot him) is better than a LOT of long term pain later.

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    Registered User druthb00's Avatar
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    I think he's acting like a child, and children need mothers...not girlfriends or wives. If he continually throws the paint job in your face MONTHS after he did the work, then he's got some sort of sense of entitlement ...like a spoiled child. I wish you the best of luck, but I think you've got a bigger problem on your hands than what's on the surface.

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    I agree with Greebo's and druthb00's most recent posts. For that matter, I've done what Judi has done, as well. Monetary things are separate from actionary things.

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    Registered User CrazyCat's Avatar
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    Ummm...he's using you sweety.

    First off...sit him down and ask him how much money the work he did was worth. THEN....in black and white...show him how much the monthly bills are. Deduct his "work" portion..and I'm sure there will be a balance due. ~From that point forward...show me the money honey....IYKWIM...or pay up or get out.

    I'm with everyone here......if he's like that NOW...what's he going to be like if and when you make it permanent'?

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