As Dr. Phil says "you either get it or ya dont"
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  1. #1
    Registered User erinalexmom's Avatar
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    Default As Dr. Phil says "you either get it or ya dont"

    Dr. Phil has one of my favorite sayings about "ya eigther get it or ya dont" meaning basically you cant solve an issue unless you have the value system that lets you see it as an issue kwim?
    My dh worked in a factory. Made good $, good benefits,ect. Well he got layed off August of 2009. Since then he has done unemployment and then has had a temp job for the last 9 months. But it will end in December. He is not even trying to find something else! He says he will and not to worry but we are about 2 paychecks from being behind on bills. We are current now but we wont be unless he finds something the day after this job ends.
    Also, now his mother just bought a brand new camaro and as soon as its paid off she is giving it to my dh! She bought the car with the express intent to give it to him! Now, I know it will be "a gift" but come on! He is 37 years old! Dont you have more masculine pride than that? I cried when I had to ask my mom for gas $ the other day cause I was short till payday. I dont know but I was always taught self reliance. "if I didnt earn it I dont want it" but not him he is perfectly fine with it. She is even pushing off retirement so she can buy him this car! To me this is completely crazy! Here I am borrowing gas $ to get to work and my husband is accepting a $30,000 car from his mother while he wont even have a job in a month!
    Is it just me or are these people crazy? whatever happened to a man taking pride in making his own way in the world?

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    Is she planning on paying the insurance on the vehicle after she gives it to him? Insurance on a camero must be huge!

    I feel for you. I would be beyond furious. My DH is the same way. He ordered heating oil the other day and I asked him where the money was coming from to pay for it and he said "I thought you had the money!" (Fortunately I do have the BEF) I was so mad. Yup they just don't get it!

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    Registered User erinalexmom's Avatar
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    ML, thanks for the reply. I have no idea if she will pay for the insurance. This is a deal that I had no part of.
    I called my mom yesterday and I talked to her about all that was going on. I told her that I am giving him 6 months to find and keep a job. If he doesnt I told her that the children and I will be leaving him.
    The stress and pain and hurt are just not worth it anymore. I hate it for my kids but he is dragging us all down a dead end road.

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    Registered User Debbie-cat's Avatar
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    I see it happen all the time around here. Buddies of Dh have no problem being unemployed or having the girlfriend/wife work while they sit on their behinds all day. It is just wrong! This is a new town for me and I have never seen so many lazy men in my life! They want everything handed to them on a silver platter and not have to do a darn thing. I shake my head every single day. No pride whatsoever.

    Hugs to you and I hope your DH will begin to see your way of thinking.




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    Registered User erinalexmom's Avatar
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    The thing that is most sad is that he wasnt like this when I married him. I mean he has never been a worrier, he waits till the last minute to fix anything and always has been like that. But as far as working, he was always proud of the fact that he provided for the family. I used to be a SAHM. When he graduated from high school he worked at a factory for 5 years, then he quit to work at another factory where he worked for 10 years until the layoff last year. So, I am sure he is upset about the loss but time to suck it up and do something about it. He currently is seasonal at a job.
    He is just not a self motivated person, he never has been. His thinking is "I dont lose my job for another month. I have plenty of time" But what I cant get him to realise is that with the job market finding a job could take a long time so he better start now (actually he should have started a couple of months ago)
    He also got the seasonal job just because my aunt called him and offered it to him, he didnt even fill out an application. He just has no "drive' and he never has but it isnt as big of a deal when he would go to work everyday and make good $.

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    Registered User erinalexmom's Avatar
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    Yesterday, he wanted to drive the car to church I said " I would almost rather walk than ride in this car. It is ridiculous for someone to buy a car for a grown person. I think it is completely crazy of your mother why did she buy this?you (dh) dont even have a job!" He said "oh you know my mom she'll sell this car in a couple of years. she'll never give it to me" which she is fickle so he could be right but still. Its all crazy. His mom should not be buying him toys to make him feel better she should be saying 'hey if your gonna be sad do it at a new job'

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    Moderator ladytoysdream's Avatar
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    Hi.
    Makes no sense to me.
    So what happens if his mom is unable to make the payments on the car for some reason, example a health issue. Then your DH won't have a vehicle to drive.
    Sounds like him AND his mom both don't get it.

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    Registered User erinalexmom's Avatar
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    Lady, she is driving the car till she pays it off so he is keeping his truck till then so he has something to drive already. She is just letting him borrow it this week cause she is at the beach on vacation.
    But you are so right. He gets his $ ignorance honestly. She is 60 years old and she has never been happy in her whole life and so she buys things to make herself feel better but then has to work like crazy to pay for it all. So this is the "childhood programming" I am fighting against.

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    The husband I just left is like that, same age too. 37 years old and his parents bail him out of everything. His mother sulked at our wedding and left early. She used to sneak $100 into his pocket regularly when i wasn't watching thinking i was depriving him of what he needed because I was trying to pay down our debt. It took me 5 years to realise he is never going to change or put on his big boy pants, his dependence on them transferred over to me when we got married. He pushed me to further my career so he could sit back like a king. Always told me he was going to retire early when our debt got paid off. Not us, just him.
    I hope you can change your DH's way of thinking, I think its a tough mentality to beat though. My ex just didn't get it.

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    Registered User erinalexmom's Avatar
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    and there lies the whole problem. The mentality. Like I told one of my friends the other day.... I am not sure this marriage will work because we have completely different values. There are things that people can change sometimes orcompromise about for the sake of the marriage things like "use a coaster" "change the toilet paper roll after you use it all" but how do you change "values"? How do you change someones whole way of thinking? Im not sure you can and that is the problem. Remember I am the one who has a waverunner and 1986 corvette in my driveway that my husband refuses to fix or sell, even though neigther one has been started in two years.
    Last edited by erinalexmom; 11-23-2010 at 05:44 AM. Reason: because I cant type well when im frustrated

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    It really is a mentality. The weird thing is my ex just doesn't see anything wrong with it. He just sees it as a close relationship with his parents, I wonder if this is just how these guys try and justify it in their own minds to get past any negative thoughts they have about taking such offerings from their parents.

    Our house was a renovation project and my ex had big visions apparently about all the work he was going to do but in reality I did all the painting while he watched sport or I paid a handyman to do things like building fences. He got the house in the split (I didn't want it on my own it needs way too much work) and his parents are visiting him at Christmas to help him do some renovations and clean up the yard and buy him furniture to replace what I took from the separation. Oh not to mention they helped him finance his mortgage too since he makes so little because he's too lazy to have a career. This whole dependency on parents isn't healthy at that age.. I really think its held him back from a lot in life.

    He also has a brother who is 41, still living with parents, never had a gf, never paid rent. They won't kick him out. If the parents leave the house and try to call him and he doesn't pick up the phone his mother has an anxiety attack about how something terrible could have happened to him. She worries about him if she leaves town and checks in regularly to make sure he's not lonely. Its just not normal. My ex was actually jealous of his brother and feels entitled to get more money and offerings from his parents because his brother has such a good deal.

    It took me a long time to realise that I had become his crutch during our marriage. I got tired of being the one to drive everything. When the toilet broke and he stepped over the puddle to use it it was me that called the plumber and arranged repairs (his response when i freaked out about it was "oh yeah I did notice the floor was wet"). I had to manage all the finances or bills wouldn't get paid. If the car needed anything done I took care of it. If we were short of money his solution was always "I'll ring my parents". He never got why I would object to that and refuse any help from them.

    When I was trying to pay off debt and we cut back our cable channels to the minimum his Mother felt sorry for him for losing the sports channels and gave him money to switch the sports back on. Grrr. She talked as though I was some evil witch for depriving her poor darling son.

    Sorry this is turning into a big rant. Didn't mean to hijack your thread I guess I'm just trying to say you're not alone.. I completely understand and know how frustrating it is. I used to tell my ex, this isn't normal. Other full grown men don't go running to the parental units whenever there is a funding shortage, they man up and deal with this stuff themselves instead of draining their parents retirement fund.

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    Registered User erinalexmom's Avatar
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    Thank you so much for the reply! Although, it made me sad. Because when u talked about the renovations. I have a bathroom remodel that has been going on for 5 years and its not even close to done because he wont get off his butt and do it! Very sad I was upset the other day when I realised that no matter what I do my dh will never be the motivated/driven person I am. I just dont know how to get someone to be a hard worker. I am not sure I can.
    The sad thing is that we get along fairly well other than his lack of motivation and $. Because we love to joke around, tease each other,we have a wonderful intelectual wavelength. But I just am not sure how to inspire him to be "a better man"
    Let me say that I do not nag him or treat him poorly at all so I am not sure what is holding him back but I am thinking that as soon as he gets a job (or should I say IF he gets a job?) I am just going to jump ahead and do things anyway. He told me the other day, "be nice to me Im depressed" I said 'well get anxiety like me and we might get things done" lol

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    Wow! I am SO SO sorry to hear the pain and frustration you are suffering. I went through exactly the same thing with my ex and I know exactly what you are going through. I'm SO very sorry. You are a brave, strong woman and even if you leave him, don't count on him changing. My only regret is that I didn't take MY ex for spousal support when I left him because I was so blinded by frustration and pride and determination to take care of myself that I wasn't thinking clearly! I'm SO SO sorry to see someone else going through what I went through. Hang in there and come to places like this to vent and find support. I only wish I knew about places like this when I was in that same boat. {{Hugs}}

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    Registered User erinalexmom's Avatar
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    Thank You Seeking! I will have to say that I have seen a big change in my husband in the last month though He had his second interview for a job yesterday. We should hear something on that by the end of the week. I also put him to work! LOL I made him a honey do list and basically told him he had to do it! I am kind of meek around him and I dont express always what I want so I think that was part of it. But he has always needed outside influence for motivation.
    Right now he is upstairs painting my daughters room So,we'll see how things go after he starts the job and we are a few months down the road Wish me luck!

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    I realize there is apparently a lot more going on here, but you guys are actually against a grown man accepting a gift from his parents?

    Odd. I would absolutely take a relatively brand new car if it was given to me, no strings attached. I hope my wife would, as well. Hell, I'll take just about anything that's free. If it doesn't jive with what's going on in my life, I'll give it away, donate, or sell the item.

    Before you let the responses fly, gear down a bit, and note that I'm not bringing the rest of the OPs relationship issues into my portion of the discussion.

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