Judi- do what you need to do,call it what you need to call it but keep on going, your going strong. I know for me physical clutter does equal mental unhapiness. And lack of energy from it. The single thread running threw this is an event that the people found too much to bare or deal w/. They became overwhelmed.
Then the shame reverberated. If anyone knew. Then the isolation, which leads to more unhappines. (Dog chases tail)
Every time I lose motivation I watch a clip. Does it every time.
I hadn't noticed they were our age. That chills. Maybe midlife motivates.
FW, I don't know, this reminds me of being caled "crazy." I got called crazy the first time around 1st grade, about the time I was first put in therapy. I don't ever remember NOT having the stigma that I wasn't "quite right" as I was something < 6 or so.
I remember vividly having things disappear while I was in boarding school, things being stolen when I lived at home, arguing about what to watch on MY TV, etc. ad naseum. I had no privacy, no sacred spaces emotionally OR physically...everyone else was entitled to nice things and privacy and to know anything about me or my stuff, but I wasn't as good, so I wasn't... was the way the mantra went.This continued at least up through my 1st husband and my divorce at 20. (He gave away everything of mine that arrived in Germany after I left, if I wasn't there, why should he care?)
By that time, I'd integrated all of this and "learned" (been programmed?) that if I kept things nice or cared about them, people would break them, ridicule them, or steal them. The safest course was to act as if nothing mattered. The extra bonus benefit was that no one visited, and that wasn't bad at all.
So, here I am trying to break this programming. I panic if I start to have a nice place or a routine that will make it so, I'll be "attacked" again or so my gut believes. It's frustrating and irritating and damnedly slow to whittle away at myself and try and whittle away at the stuff in a way that doesn't bring on the panic.
I thought PTSD was a bitch and a 1/2 to beat as my flashback event (being a 3 yo grieving for their mother, completely helpless and overwhelmed with pain) was devastating. I've lived with going back to that (flashing back) as long as I can remember, I thought I WAS crazy and emotionally defective/immature as I just couldn't "get over" it.
But this is actually harder. The "scared" person there is a 3 yo, not my 50+ yo self. This is ME, NOW, and I just f'n panic inside at the idea of living without all the crud. I can make myself do things like cull the books down, and clean, but I can't contemplate a "clean" house, or I freak out. Makes decorating a bit of a challenge as you might imagine!
Ah well, I'm working on it, and I'm trying my best, and that's all I can do. If that's not good enough, tough.
Judi