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  1. #76
    QM
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    Because the weekend starts tomorrow, I'm going to post Day 5 and Day 6 so that I don't have to pull out my book and risk DH knowing what I'm doing.

    Day 4 - Love is Thoughtful

    Contact your spouse sometime during the business of the day. Have no agenda other than asking how he or she is doing and if there is anything you could do for them.

    Day 5 - Love is Not Rude


    Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated with you. You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior. This is from their perspective only.

    Day 6 - Love is Not Irritable

    Choose today to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritation. Begin by making a list below of areas where you need to ad margin to your schedule. Then list any wrong motivations that you need to release from your life.

    In regards to Day 4...I'm going to have to e-mail him and he'll receive it on his blackberry. He doesn't want me phoning him at work unless it's an emergency, and I don't think Day 4 qualifies as an emergency. I'm going to say, "Hello my Love! Just wondering how you are doing. Is there anything I can do for you today? xoxoxo" I have no idea if he'll think I've lost my mind and not reply to the message. Who knows. We'll soon find out. BTW--Too bad this day wasn't yesterday because two nights ago DH asked me to phone around for quotes on having the front windows of our house replaced and a gas fireplace installed. I spent at least 2 hours phoning companies yesterday afternoon and setting up appointments to have them come to our house. We haven't saved or budgeted for it, but I did it anyways. If he decides to have us go ahead and put it on LoC then it was his decision. I won't nag.

    In regards to Day 5...I really, really don't want to do this one. I know that it'll only cause problems. It'll only get DH's blood to boil. I know what the three things are so I'm thinking of skipping this step and incorporating a bit of Day 1 to Day 4 in the day instead.

    In regards to Day 6...I don't really get what day 6 is expecting me to do. How do you interpret it in other words? Perhaps I should read the 3 pages about Day 6; it may help.
    If you will live like no one else, later you can live like no one else.


    Put ALL EXCUSES ASIDE and remember this:
    YOU ARE CAPABLE!


    2016 Lose-A-Pound-A-Week Challenge
    Started at 139.8 lbs on Monday, May 9th
    1st goal will be 135 lbs - reached 135.8 lbs goal on Fri, May 13th!
    2nd goal will be 133 lbs - reached 133.8 lbs on Fri, May 20th!
    Reached 132.6 lbs on June 1st!
    3rd goal will be 130 lbs - reached 130.8 lbs on Thurs, July 7th!
    4th goal will be 129 lbs
    5th goal will be 127 lbs
    6th goal will be 125 lbs

    Personal ~ as of March 12, 2016
    Pay off my Mortgage
    $36,303.13 (3 years, 1 months left)
    Pay off My Line of Credit ~ Van
    PAID OFF IN FULL!!
    Pay off my Line of Credit ~ General
    $26,058.14

    Winning at money is 80% behaviour and 20% head knowledge....Hey, if it were easy, every moron walking would be wealthy.
    ~Dave Ramsey

  2. #77
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    QM - RE Day 5, maybe instead of asking him and making it a huge deal, you could say something to the effect of I'm working hard at being a better person and better wife to you. I know I X,Y and Z (things that annoy him), and I am working hard to not do those things, or do them differently by doing 1, 2, and 3.

    What would Love Dare think of that? So you aren't starting a blood boiling dumpfest, but you are acknowledging problems and mapping out a solution. If he wants to add something, then you are all set. I don't think I would like someone coming to me and saying "what's wrong with me, what do I need to fix about myself for you?" That would really put someone on the spot, cause anxiety and yes, possibly open up a can of worms.

    DH and I have been ships passing in the night this week, I've been working late some nights, he's been working late others. I crawled out of bed last night at 1AM or so to heat him up some dinner and run a bath for him, but I don't think I actually woke up completely. I gave him a nice wake up this morning and made an appointment with him for Sunday afternoon to do nothing at all but spend some time together.

    I also went out in the pouring rain last night to take down the tent part of the screen house so it wouldn't tear under the pressure of the 4" of rain we supposedly got last night. DH loves the screen house and I want to make sure it lasts at least the season (it's a cheap screenhouse tent). DH noticed this morning and said thank you (which, to be honest, he doesn't say often enough).

  3. #78
    Registered User forHISglory's Avatar
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    QM: You have been on my mind a lot, which is usually God nudging me to pray for you. I am so impressed at how you are doing with the dare.

    In regard to Day 6:
    Day 6 - Love is Not Irritable

    Choose today to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritation. Begin by making a list below of areas where you need to ad margin to your schedule. Then list any wrong motivations that you need to release from your life.

    I would interpret that as just taking the moments as they come. Rather than planning something (like you did with the gummi bears), you are simply reacting to any circumstances or irritations with grace, and you are reacting slowly, not quickly. Not sure what is meant by "ad margin". The part about wrong motivations is tough. For example, are you doing these acts of kindness because you want him to be nicer to you? That is a normal, but self centered, motivation. It takes time and sometimes is difficult to do acts of kindness simply because I want Hubby to feel cherished, and not because of anything I want to feel or do.

    You are doing a great job. Keep the faith!

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  5. #79
    Registered User pollypurebred39's Avatar
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    I agree with ML on the day 5 thing. I was uncomfortable with idea of that too. It just seems like a big can of worms and I would not want the postion reversed on me.

    Well, God must be doing a work in you and your marriage because I too have been impressed to pray for you, and quite often you'll come to my mind during the day.

    I also was confussed about ad margin, but I'm going to believe it's what ForHISglory thinks it is and run with that.

    Today is the day to buy your spouse a gift so last night I went out and purchased 4 sugar-free nut clusters from the bin. It was not much, (I spent almost every dime yesterday restocking the house with things like toilet paper, laundry detergent, tea, sweetener. The kinds of things that don't make a meal but you can't do without) but I knew it would be something he really enjoyed. He works a double shift at the pizza shop today, so I put them on the washer last night with a short note, sweets for my sweet. When he left this morning instead of his normal pop his head in the room and let me know he was leaving, he woke me by running his finger gently down my hand.

    We've gone round and round about candy, he's a diabetic and can't eat candy and I keep finding candy wrappers in his car. I get mad and always say something. Frankly it scares me to no end that he's sneaking candy bars and I'm truly worried that he will kill himself one day after he eats one. His sugars have gone up to 585 after a soda and fries. Which leads me to finding sugar soda every once in while in his car. GRRRR....I think I straddle that line of disrespect when it comes to that stuff. He seems like a child to me when he endangers himself like that and I know I could react better. Leaving it be would not be wise because I think he'd lose all control if he didn't think I'd say anything, in fact I know he would. He is not taking care of himself like he needs to and it frightens me greatly

  6. #80
    Registered User Greebo's Avatar
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    Its really none of my business...but I'm reading some of these "day X" things from the male perspective, and I'm having a hard time not believing I'm reading instructions on "How to be a doormat".

    Don't get me wrong, they are very nice gestures ... but so far it sounds VERY much like a one way street ...

    Am I reading them wrong?

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    Greebo, it IS a matter of perspective. I don't look at it as being a doormat, but rather as taking the initiative to change a relationship into something better. I could sit back and fume and be resentful because DH isn't reading my mind and isn't intuitively meeting my needs. Or I can quietly take little steps to model the relationship I desire. It is surprising how well this approach works!

  8. #82
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    Thanks for praying for me and keeping me in your thoughts, FHG & Polly!

    I got a book out of our church library last Sunday. It's called "Discipline The Glad Surrender" by Elisabeth Elliot. I skipped to the chapter that I've found most interesting, and that is 'The Discipline of the Mind'. I think that for the most part, this concept is lost in our day and age. The chapter is long, so I can't type it all out, but I'll share a few snippets that I enjoyed.

    "What the world sees as real is one thing. What is real to the clearer eye of faith is quite another. So-called realism in literature usually treats evil as though it were the only reality and good as though it were fantasy. It concentrates on the ash can and the outhouse in the backyard, ignoring the rose bush in the front yard, which is certainly as real as they are. It is true that the bad characters in novels are often more believable than the good ones...

    Christ calls us to do that (what we cannot), and to be that (what we are not). He is asking us to walk on water. Peter succeeded in doing that, but only for a few steps, only for those seconds when his gaze was locked on Christ's, his mind set, as it were, on "things above". But when he looked around, he sank.

    It is nothing short of a transformed vision of reality that is able to see Christ as more real than the storm, love more real than hatred, meekness more real than pride, long-suffering more real than annoyance, holiness more real than sin."

    A few pages later it says, "I have found it necessary sometimes deliberately to refuse thoughts of what someone has done to me and to ask for help to dwell on what Christ has done for that person and wants to do for him and for me, for I am sure that my treatment of people depends on how I think about them. This hymn is often a helpful prayer to pray:

    May the mind of Christ my Savior
    Live in me from day to day,
    By His Love and pow'r controlling
    All I do and say.
    "

    Isn't that wonderful?! Only Christ can change my thoughts and sight when I look at Him. Like FHG said, right now my motives may be wrong and selfish (if I'm trying to make my DH nicer to me), but Christ Jesus can make it real. The past few days I've told my friend 'what nice things I've done/said to my DH' and sometimes it seems fake & silly. I know that the longer I strive to be like Christ Jesus, the sooner it will happen.

    It used to frustrate me to think about all the wonderful things the Bible wants me to be...pure, kind, holy, loving, gentle, meek, longsuffering, etc. How can someone be holy?...Only Christ Jesus is holy. Jesus doesn't want me to be Him; He wants to be like Him. I'll still stumble and fall and sin, but because I'm a sinner saved by His grace I can confidently know that He can pick me up, hold my hand and walk with me.

    Sorry for rambling on so. Just wanted to share a few of my thoughts.
    Last edited by QM; 07-24-2009 at 02:15 PM.
    If you will live like no one else, later you can live like no one else.


    Put ALL EXCUSES ASIDE and remember this:
    YOU ARE CAPABLE!


    2016 Lose-A-Pound-A-Week Challenge
    Started at 139.8 lbs on Monday, May 9th
    1st goal will be 135 lbs - reached 135.8 lbs goal on Fri, May 13th!
    2nd goal will be 133 lbs - reached 133.8 lbs on Fri, May 20th!
    Reached 132.6 lbs on June 1st!
    3rd goal will be 130 lbs - reached 130.8 lbs on Thurs, July 7th!
    4th goal will be 129 lbs
    5th goal will be 127 lbs
    6th goal will be 125 lbs

    Personal ~ as of March 12, 2016
    Pay off my Mortgage
    $36,303.13 (3 years, 1 months left)
    Pay off My Line of Credit ~ Van
    PAID OFF IN FULL!!
    Pay off my Line of Credit ~ General
    $26,058.14

    Winning at money is 80% behaviour and 20% head knowledge....Hey, if it were easy, every moron walking would be wealthy.
    ~Dave Ramsey

  9. #83
    QM
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    Quote Originally Posted by Greebo View Post
    ...I'm having a hard time not believing I'm reading instructions on "How to be a doormat"....Am I reading them wrong?
    Greebo, I think Chapter 3 will answer your question.

    Love is Not Selfish


    Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor. --Romans 12:10

    We live in a world that is enamored with "self". The culture around us teaches us to focus on our appearance, feelings, and personal desires as the top priority. The goal, it seems, is to chase the highest level of happiness possible. The danger from this kind of thinking, however, becomes painfully apparent once inside a marriage relationship.

    If there were ever a word that basically means the opposite of love, it is selfishness. Unfortunately it is something that is ingrained into every person from birth. You can see it in the way young children act, and often in the way adults mistreat one another. Almost every sinful action ever committed can be traced back to a selfish motive. it is a trait we hate in other people but justify in our selves. Yet you cannot point out the many ways your spouse is selfish without admitting that you can be selfish too. That would be hypocritical.

    Why do we have such low standards for ourselves but high exceptions for our mate? The answer is a painful pill to swallow. We are all selfish.

    When a husband puts his interests, desires, and priorities in front of his wife, that's a sign of selfishness. When a wife constantly complains about the time and energy she spends meeting the needs of her husband, that's a sign of selfishness. But love "does not seek its own" (1 Corinthians 13:5). Loving couples--the ones who are enjoying the full purpose of marriage--are bent on taking good care of the other flawed human they get to share life with. That's because true love looks for ways to say "yes".

    One ironic aspect of selfishness is that even generous actions can be selfish if the motive is to gain bragging rights or receive a reward. If you do even a good thing to deceitfully manipulate your husband or wife, you are still being selfish. The bottom line is that you either make decisions out of love for others or love for yourself.

    Love is never satisfied except in the welfare of others. You can't be acting out of real love and selfishness at the same time. Choosing to love your mate will cause you to say "no" to what you want so you can say "yes" to what they need. That's putting the happiness of your partner above your own. It doesn't mean you can never experience happiness, but you don't negate the happiness of your spouse so you can enjoy it yourself.

    Love also leads to inner joy. When you prioritize the well-being of your mate, there is a resulting fulfillment that cannot be duplicated by selfish actions. This is a benefit that God created and reserves for those who genuinely demonstrate love. The truth is, when you relinquish your rights for the sake of your mate, you get a chance to lose yourself to the greater purpose of marriage.

    Nobody knows you as well as your spouse. And that means no one will be quicker to recognize a change when you deliberately start sacrificing your wants and wishes to make sure his or her needs are met.

    If you find it hard to sacrifice your own desires to benefit your spouse, then you may have a deeper problem with selfishness than you want to admit.

    Ask yourself these questions:
    - Do I truly want what's best for my husband or wife?
    - Do I want them to feel loved by me?
    - Do they believe I have their best interests in mind?
    - Do they see me as looking out for myself first?

    Whether you like it or not, you have a reputation in the eyes of those around you, especially in the eyes of your spouse. But is it a loving reputation? Remember, your marriage partner also has the challenge of loving a selfish person. So determine to be the first to demonstrate real love to them, with your eyes wide open. And when all is said and done, you'll both be more fulfilled.

    "Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves" (Philippians 2:3)
    If you will live like no one else, later you can live like no one else.


    Put ALL EXCUSES ASIDE and remember this:
    YOU ARE CAPABLE!


    2016 Lose-A-Pound-A-Week Challenge
    Started at 139.8 lbs on Monday, May 9th
    1st goal will be 135 lbs - reached 135.8 lbs goal on Fri, May 13th!
    2nd goal will be 133 lbs - reached 133.8 lbs on Fri, May 20th!
    Reached 132.6 lbs on June 1st!
    3rd goal will be 130 lbs - reached 130.8 lbs on Thurs, July 7th!
    4th goal will be 129 lbs
    5th goal will be 127 lbs
    6th goal will be 125 lbs

    Personal ~ as of March 12, 2016
    Pay off my Mortgage
    $36,303.13 (3 years, 1 months left)
    Pay off My Line of Credit ~ Van
    PAID OFF IN FULL!!
    Pay off my Line of Credit ~ General
    $26,058.14

    Winning at money is 80% behaviour and 20% head knowledge....Hey, if it were easy, every moron walking would be wealthy.
    ~Dave Ramsey

  10. #84
    Registered User Greebo's Avatar
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    I'm not going to get into the potential philosophical debate over the virtue or non-virtue of Selfishness, other than to say that I reject your characterization of selfishness completely. Selfishness is, by definition, the concern with one's own interests. That does NOT mean selfishness means running roughshod over other people to get what one wants, but simply being concerned with making sure one's own wants and needs are satisfied. Feel free to disagree with me if you like, its moot, but I whole heartedly and categorically reject the idea that being loving must equate to spreading ones self out on the sacrificial altar.

    To me, its in my interests, its of value to me, to make my marriage work. It's like that for Ceashels too. Thus we do things for each other, and while it might seem selfless to others, we both do them and it works out for us to be a fair and equitable trade that makes both of our lives better.

    If you are doing all of these things for your husband and he isn't returning to you the same value you're giving to him, then the word for what you're doing goes all too easily from "generous and selfless" to "martyr".

    IF what you're doing is working, and making him want to put the same kind of value into the relationship, that's great. If it works for you, more power to you. But be careful that it doesn't far too easily step into you surrendering everything you want so that he can get everything he does. That's not marriage, that's not partnership, that's voluntary slavery.

    I wouldn't wish that on anyone, so I hope my concerns are unfounded.

  11. #85
    Registered User pollypurebred39's Avatar
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    Greebo, I think I'm doing the Love Dare because I'd like to see some changes in my own heart, not my husbands. I find that I can tend to dwell on negative things (things that I nor my husband have no control over) and try as I might I have moments where I speak in a way to my husband that is less then respectful. These are things that I'd like to see transformed into something better, that can only improve my relationship with my husband. My husband has never treated me like a doormat. In fact of the two of us he is far kinder to me then I am to him. I guess I'm also participating in the Love Dare because I'd like to return something tangible in my marriage to my hard working husband. The guy who's never too tired to have an ear for me, the guy who stops whatever he's doing to hear what I have to say, the guy who does without so his family can have, the guy who is the most unselfish, giving lover I've ever had and I'm totally serious about that, knocks it out of the ball park everytime, I feel like he's been the one walking the one way street most of the time and I've been reaping the benefits of it.


    I see your point, very clearly I see it, but there are times in a marriage where one person has to be the one to step forward and be the one to begin loving again so that things can change. Sometimes we get so caught up in life with it's hurts and harsh words that our hearts harden and we have to learn how to love again. The Love dare is just baby steps to that end, it is a beginining of a transformation in a marriage, not an end of personal self respect.
    Last edited by pollypurebred39; 07-24-2009 at 03:27 PM.

  12. #86
    Registered User Greebo's Avatar
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    Polly I have total respect for that, and it's absolutely up to you and DH to determine what works for you, and if you feel you need to be giving a little more in the "fair trade" department to make it equitable, that says wagonloads about your integrity.

    I am just concerned from what I have read that your situation and QM's situations are not at all the same. I wouldn't want QM to be the "Marge Simpson" who, every time the family fails to notice everything she does for them, just does more...and the family never notices, cares, or thinks anything should be any different.

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    Since my girl's revelation, DH and I have been really communicatin. Things are definitely picking up speed in our marriage.

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    Quote Originally Posted by pollypurebred39 View Post
    We've gone round and round about candy, he's a diabetic and can't eat candy and I keep finding candy wrappers in his car. I get mad and always say something. Frankly it scares me to no end that he's sneaking candy bars and I'm truly worried that he will kill himself one day after he eats one. His sugars have gone up to 585 after a soda and fries. Which leads me to finding sugar soda every once in while in his car. GRRRR....I think I straddle that line of disrespect when it comes to that stuff. He seems like a child to me when he endangers himself like that and I know I could react better. Leaving it be would not be wise because I think he'd lose all control if he didn't think I'd say anything, in fact I know he would. He is not taking care of himself like he needs to and it frightens me greatly
    Polly - I wonder if sometimes the candy bars and sodas are consumed because he's on the road, needs a snack and when he goes into the 7-11, or gas station store, he can't find what he CAN/SHOULD eat? Maybe another gift in the future is to regularly stock his truck with snacks or beverages that are safe for him to eat?

  15. #89
    QM
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    Quote Originally Posted by pollypurebred39 View Post
    ...there are times in a marriage where one person has to be the one to step forward and be the one to begin loving again so that things can change. Sometimes we get so caught up in life with it's hurts and harsh words that our hearts harden and we have to learn how to love again. The Love dare is just baby steps to that end, it is a beginning of a transformation in a marriage, not an end of personal self respect.
    I think you hit it on the nail, Polly!

    Quote Originally Posted by Greebo View Post
    ...If you are doing all of these things for your husband and he isn't returning to you the same value you're giving to him, then the word for what you're doing goes all too easily from "generous and selfless" to "martyr"...
    I've noticed in my marriage that the more I do for my hubby, the more he wants to do for me. The book "Love and Respect" by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs calls it The Energizing Cycle. I think that's what this book "The Love Dare" teaches...baby steps to better your marriage so that "His love motives her respect. Her respect motivates his respect." And so the cycle goes.

    In regards to being a martyr...you reminded me of a section in my daily devotional from a couple days ago. It says...

    From henceforth let no man trouble me: for I bear in my body the marks of the Lord Jesus. Galatians 6:17

    During a search in the attic, I came across a "Certificate of Service" of my late father in the Royal Navy. I noted on the record how people were identified. Not just full name, date and place of birth, eye colour and hair colour and complexion, but also there were entries under "wounds and scars". These latter elements of identity were suffered during active service. Paul bore the evidences of active service for the Lord Jesus on his body. How do people know that we serve the Lord?

    Am I a soldier of the Cross, a follower of the Lamb,
    And shall I fear to own His cause, or blush to speak His name? --Anon
    Last edited by QM; 07-24-2009 at 03:44 PM.
    If you will live like no one else, later you can live like no one else.


    Put ALL EXCUSES ASIDE and remember this:
    YOU ARE CAPABLE!


    2016 Lose-A-Pound-A-Week Challenge
    Started at 139.8 lbs on Monday, May 9th
    1st goal will be 135 lbs - reached 135.8 lbs goal on Fri, May 13th!
    2nd goal will be 133 lbs - reached 133.8 lbs on Fri, May 20th!
    Reached 132.6 lbs on June 1st!
    3rd goal will be 130 lbs - reached 130.8 lbs on Thurs, July 7th!
    4th goal will be 129 lbs
    5th goal will be 127 lbs
    6th goal will be 125 lbs

    Personal ~ as of March 12, 2016
    Pay off my Mortgage
    $36,303.13 (3 years, 1 months left)
    Pay off My Line of Credit ~ Van
    PAID OFF IN FULL!!
    Pay off my Line of Credit ~ General
    $26,058.14

    Winning at money is 80% behaviour and 20% head knowledge....Hey, if it were easy, every moron walking would be wealthy.
    ~Dave Ramsey

  16. #90
    Registered User Greebo's Avatar
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    Hey - like I said - none of my business really. If that's what you want your life to be, I fully respect your freedom of choice in the matter.

    Of course - if that is really of value to you - if that's really a goal? Then by definition, pursuit of that goal is selfishness. Like I said, "Selfishness is, by definition, the concern with one's own interests."

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