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02-12-2013, 11:00 AM #1
What is your take on this situation....
I have known this woman for about ten years, started to really get to know her about four years ago when I worked on her husband and since his demise, have started working on her also. The lines are quite blurry as she is a client and my sponsor in a recovery program....would really like to run it by all of you here:
About a month ago, she fell on black ice and fractured her wrist...one of her church members lived with her for about two weeks after the injury. She is able to get around on her own, except for drive. I travel to her home to do the massage sessions, and don't charge her for travel time....she is 25-30 mins away depending on traffic. Anyway, before the last two sessions, she asked if I could pick up a couple of things are the grocery store for her...no problem. Yesterday, she wanted me to take her to the bank (10 mins away) and then wanted to go to a Shoprite which was twenty minutes away. I let her know that I would not be able to go there since after 5pm traffic is a nightmare on the roads I go on. She gives me a little attitude because prices are a bit higher at the closest grocery store.
What is really getting on my nerves is that this woman is very well off, no children, no close family but is very cheap. She has made comments before that I should come and stay with her while she is recovering, that she wants a meat dinner instead of a pasta dinner when I offered to bring over some food, and in no way has she offered gas money or anything for the time that people are putting in to help her! She does not want to get an aid or order groceries from the store because of the money she will have to spend. How can an individual expect this kind of crap especially when she is living in a mansion and is a multi millionaire?!!! I cannot even talk to her about it because she is my frigging sponsor!
So how do you think I handle this?
02-12-2013, 11:12 AM #2
- Rep Power
She's taking advantage of you. Start telling her "Unless you want to chip in for gas, I cannot afford to take you." No discussion, just the facts.
Now, if you just don't want to do it, just tell her you don't have the time.
02-12-2013, 11:42 AM #3
she fractured her wrist and CAN'T drive??? Unless she's on meds that keep her dopey I don't see where this is an issue.Terry
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02-12-2013, 11:46 AM #4
- Rep Power
Can't she take a cab?
Can't you get a different sponsor? Don't let her hold that over your head. Could you discuss this with the person who is in charge of pairing up sponsors? Forgive my ignorance, as I'm not sure how that is handled, so maybe that's unworkable. But it seems like if a sponsor isn't working for one reason or other, there must be a way to find another sponsor.
02-12-2013, 01:35 PM #5
- Rep Power
02-12-2013, 01:50 PM #6
Time to get a new sponsor and limit the time you are with this woman. Also do not understand why you can not speak to her even if she is your sponsor. Not only is she taking advantage of you but it also sounds as if she needs additional help also - emotionally. You could see if there are any services for seniors in your area that could take her to different place for shopping or dr. appointments. It is a difficult situation to be in when you want to help someone but need to take care of yourself also. Don't be afraid to take care of yourself first. I have been in situtations where I ended up being the "personal chauffeur". Needless to say this didn't last long.
02-12-2013, 02:09 PM #7
- Rep Power
It's possible she's lonely and just is finding excuses to prolong your visits.
If you have the time and inclination, offer to drive her wherever she wants to go USING HER CAR. If the goal really is for her just to get a ride somewhere and not just sponge off of you, she shouldn't have any objection to that.
02-12-2013, 02:13 PM #8
"No" is a complete sentence. The kind of sentence this woman needs to hear.
02-12-2013, 02:17 PM #9
- Rep Power
I think you need to tell her just what you told us, "You're my sponsor so I feel disappointed when I'm having a problem that I can't share with you. You see, I like you and I want to help you out while you're injured but I think everything I'm doing is met with criticism. We've had such a long relationship, I'm not sure why this problem is coming up now. I thought I knew you better." Be clear that you're feeling strapped both in terms of time and money which is why you haven't helped more. (If you're doing massage, your time IS your money.) Be clear that you want to help as long as it is help you can give. You could even joke that if you offered to give her money, it might be "a drop in the bucket" compared to the resources she has.
Also I'll point out that we never really know a person's financial position. I have known people who lived in million dollar homes that needed to apply for food stamps. The economy crash which ground their business to an immediate halt. They had mouths to feed, bills to pay and absolutely no income. They couldn't sell their house - at any price - because there were no buyers. The wife went back to work (which is how I met her) while her husband tried desperately to get their business going again. I'm not saying that this is the situation in your friend's case, but do realize that she has a lot of medical bills now and might be afraid of preserving her investments so they last the rest of her life. If this little accident is so expensive, she may have just awaken to what it will cost her to maintain her care as she gets older. Or she might have already learned that lesson when her husband was ill. You just never know. What seems like a lot of money to one person might feel very much like not enough to another.
02-13-2013, 08:52 AM #10
Thanks everyone for your input. She had a hard cast for the last month, Dr. did not want her to move it at all...hence the no driving. She is a sponger, never really affected me so directly before. As for her financial situation....she tells me!
I will be setting clear boundaries as to the massage and tell her to hire an aid to help with errands and such. I really like what you wrote Cookie and will be using that
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