Struggling with the "how many" dilemma...

**mama2James** · 12-10-2009, 09:21 AM

Ok, here's my second post in 10 mins.... I must really be overthinking today lol.
I am of two minds when it comes to the question of how many children we should have. Our second is on the way and I feel very sad to consider that this child would be our last. I feel like I could rise to the challenge of being a mom to a large family, that it would help me grow personally and be the person I was meant to be. I am the type who "performs" best under pressure. When much is expected of me, I find I am capable of more. When I don't have enough on my hands, it is easy for me to not live up to my own expectations...procrasinating and making excuses etc.
I would love to have the peace of mind to say that we have a big 'ol family and make it work somehow, but there is a practical, pragmatic side of me that says that in this day and age it's just not responsible to try to provide for too many children. I start worrying about money and space, and how to take care of Dh and I in our golden years if we don't have the extra money to save. Traveling as a family and as a couple has always been on our dreams list..would we feel resentful if we didn't get to fulfill those kinds of dreams?
The easiest thing to say to myself is to take it one child, one pregnancy at a time...give ourselves time to adjust to a new addition, see how it works out and go from there. Sometimes I like to obsess and plan though....
Just looking for feedback and thoughts.... Thanks in advance

**MommyinTX** · 12-10-2009, 01:00 PM

I think this is very much a spiritual/faith-based decision. Where does your husband stand? We had two, thought we were "done", then God changed my heart with a miscarriage. We went on to have 4 more before health issues made it time to stop. It's wonderful, crazy, hard, etc., etc.

Could not do it without the Lord!

Becky

**Mom2-3** · 12-10-2009, 01:05 PM

I would take one baby at a time

I thought we were done with one. DD #2 showed up and then we wanted one more. I can't imagine not having those two kiddos. We felt after DD #3 that we were done. It was a long and hard decision to make.

Good luck

**lotsadebt** · 12-10-2009, 02:47 PM

I orginally wanted 3. I was ready to start on #3 when a health crisis stopped me. I felt that God was trying to tell me something. I had better just listen. It was my life on the line if I continued. Then I am being selfish for me and not thinking of the ones I have by possibly denying them a mother.

I love and wanted both children, when I was pregnant with #2 I didn't know how I could love another child as much as the first. Well, I did.
I fiercely love both of them. I still think maybe someday is someother way #3 will come to me. My arms are still open to love them.

**khaski** · 06-24-2010, 12:28 AM

I always thought, growing up, I would have 2. Well my 3 are 12, 4 and 2...and I'm itching for 1 more. I really feel #4 would be the last one, I just feel strongly I will be ready to say goodbye to the prospect of more children after that. Even assured hubby I would agree to a vasectomy after #4.I think you just know when it's time to call it quits...but as I tell a friend who has 3 kids, is 41 and the clock is ticking- you will never regret HAVING one more, but you may regret NOT having that last one.

I think everyone gets those 'baby pangs' from time to time, but if they're strong and recurrent, it may just be your path.

My friend and her hubby keep coming to the 'decision' of 'no, we're done', but then keep re-opening the topic- a strong sign, I think, they really wish to, they just worry about the life altering details.

I am not advocating having more children without taking a good hard look if you can afford to, on may levels, but where there's a will, there's a way, and who do we have stronger wills for than our families? As for me, have to work some more on pushing hubby off that fence of should we? shouldn't we?....but I also respect he needs to have it be his right decision as well.

**wanderlusting** · 06-24-2010, 04:57 PM

I agree- take it one baby at a time- listen to what your body tells you and what you and your DH feel.

DH and I have 3 embryos left from our IVF and we are going to transfer them all since we don't believe in destroying them. But we're transferring them one at a time since I don't want twins again! We believe that God will have the ones he wants here survive the thaw and that's how many children we're supposed to have.

**mom2three** · 06-25-2010, 03:58 PM

We take one baby at a time and are happy with however many. Being pregnant with the fifth, I am feeling a bit done at this point, but who knows. God usually prepares my heart and my kids start asking and praying and then I'm pregnant. God gives me the capacity as I need it.

**greekislandgirl** · 06-25-2010, 04:20 PM

This is such a big question for me and my husband.

We've been married for two months. We've been struggling financially, both to get through the week and to put money away in the places we think it needs to go, like FFEF and so on.

We sat down today and wrote out our near term and long term financial goals, and named a bunch of Savings Funds. We faced reality and our savings funds are called: "BEF," "FFEF," "Wedding," "Travel," "Dental," "Home Purchase," "New Car," "Home Furnishings/Maintenance," "Retirement."

"Baby" and "College" are conspicuously missing.

We don't think we can afford to have children, period.

Maybe something will change, but it just seems like we wouldn't be able to meet our "survival" goals (like owning a home, meeting our retirement requirements, and basic med/dent emergency stuff) AND provide for a child + college education in the way that we would feel obliged to.

So, as much as the idea of having a child - or at least, having the freedom to decide to have a child later - is tempting, we are electing not to. Part of this is because our parents spent a LOT of money on us and we have a hard time conceiving of ourselves as parents who DON'T provide things like private college education, braces, foreign languages, sports, music, travel, etc etc etc. It's like we decided either we will have children the way our parents did, or not at all.

I'm 29 and he's 32 so I guess we have time to change our minds.

**AmyBoz** · 06-25-2010, 04:24 PM

It's a tough call.

We struggled to get pregnant with our two and I thought that would be it, and really reconciled myself to the fact that two kids was the perfect number. We bought a new house based on a family of four.

Then, surprise! We found out I was pregnant with #3 and suddenly three was exactly what we needed.

I've since been diagnosed with PCOS and diabetes and I have to be honest, all I can think about is how I want one more baby, now that I know I can't have one without serious medication. So, I am sad about that, but I love, love, love the ones I have.

**mom2three** · 06-25-2010, 04:51 PM

Two things:

I highly recommend reading "Living Simply with Children".

Amy - have you been tested for celiac or think you might be gluten intolerant? Gluten intolerance can cause fertility issues, contribute to diabetes, and I believe can be related to PCOS as well.

Amanda

**mom2three** · 06-25-2010, 04:53 PM

I should mention that I am a SAHM mom now but I had a good paying job until my oldest was 6 years old (she is 9). Life is much better now.

Amanda

**alotofgooddeals** · 06-25-2010, 05:12 PM

I have three children ages 21, 14, and 9 and i have days where i get the feeling that i would love to have another one. I try and figure it out but something always comes up and i am able to push it aside because i know financially and my age being a factor that it is not feasible really in reality...
I have other days that i think to myself that well we were poor when we had all the other three children and things always worked out...and when my hours go back up in September to full time we are better off now than we were with the other three children so i tell myself that financially that really can't be one of the reasons i do not have another one. I also tell myself that 39 is not really to old to have another child and could possibly be done.. My sil is now 42 and ready to deliver her third child within the next week... so...its normal and i am on the fence and really don't know what to do.. Dh says we are done and no more children however he was done after baby number one but i had to push the issue and now he is the first to admit that he loves all three of them and cannot imagine them not in our lives so i know with little persuasion that he would be willing however I just dont know... I need my sleep... he he....so after reading my ramble i have just written i think you can realize that it is compltely normal to feel the way you do,....

**AmyBoz** · 06-25-2010, 07:59 PM

Not to hijack the thread, but to answer Amanda, I haven't shown any symptoms of gluten intolerance or celiac. The diabetes was diagnosed independently over a year ago, and the PCOS a few months later.

**krbshappy71** · 06-25-2010, 08:25 PM

Listen to your heart, body, and soul. They hold the answers.

I still wonder "what if" I had just one more (actually I'd try to have two because I love the bond that siblings I've known in my life have had) and could probably pursue the "what if" but I strongly believe I'm done. I'm very at peace with it. During the "what if" times it isn't a super strong dilemma, its a mild wondering.

Your heart, body, soul will tell you what's right.