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  1. #46
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    Ashley...
    I think you are comparing apples and oranges when you say you can't find an apartment for what you are paying to live at relatives. I don't think anyone has suggested that you move into an apartment. They are suggesting that you share an apartment with a stranger so that it is solely a business relationship. You are cautious with emotional sharing and if it goes bad...you never have to see them again.
    Or move into a studio. Don't think of studios as what you see on TV. The most common layout I see now is a U =shape. kitchen living room are on one side of the U and bathroom and "sleeping nook" are on the other. I think it is quite doable for two busy people.

    Think of it like this...
    Nice furnished room
    http://philadelphia.craigslist.org/r...203827622.html
    Room for rent in Lansdale

    Some of these implyone person as a roommate but you can always ask. A single person or family renting out a room is less likely to go by a credit check and more likely by gut check.

  2. #47
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    Alright, I'm a little curious as to why everyone is so hell-bent on getting Ashley to move. She's made her decision and she's a grown woman. We should just accept it and support her, like friends do. I don't think it's a bad decision, given her history.

    Not to mention, if someone else posted this same thread, I doubt it would turn into this... people we just give suggestions on how to manage in this situation.

    Dunno, just my opinion.

    Also, I would NOT feel comfortable moving into someone's house as a boarder or roommate. Just not for me.

  3. #48
    Registered User Greebo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AnW819 View Post
    I am going to do what I think is best here, and DH and I both agree that we do not want to get another apartment after an eviction last time and have it go wrong.
    Fair enough - like I said -I've got no beef with you saving up a nice healthy EF first.

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  5. #49
    Registered User pollypurebred39's Avatar
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    Ashley,

    Thinking this might help.

    In my life I've had a lot of people within my own family that were like hugging a porcupine. Some days I just wanted to sit down and cry. Somewhere along the line I was given an awesome piece of advice that has transformed my attitude and my relationship with these relatives. Counter ALL negatives with several positives. Frankly, I thought that advice was totally bogus, after all I was not the one who was a donkey. Why should I have to change MY attitude or behavior towards them? But, after awhile I was in desperation. These were people I was going to have to deal with the rest of my life and if something did not change I was going to end up despising them. So, I decided to give it a shot.

    At first it was really hard finding anything positive to say to these people. I was not going to be fake and lie, but man I'd gotten to the point I felt for sure there was nothing positive I could say about these people. I really struggled. But soon I found positive things to say. It started small at first like, I really love your macaroni salad, or DH really likes your chocolate cupcakes. Or I'd say in front of that person to someone else like, so and so is really good at math, you should ask for her help if you keep having trouble with that. I'd ask if someone thought these shoes matched well enough with this outfit, adding that I liked their style so I thought I'd ask their opinion. Or in the car we'd see some crazy driver zoom past, I might say, that would never be you because you're one of the most careful drivers I know. It was all honest, so it never came off fake. I was sincere. First thing I noticed was my attitude began to change towards those porcupines, then gradually theirs started to change towards me. Now those people are still porcupines, but they are easier to hug now, and our relationship has vastly improved. In fact I've had certain family members say to me, I never liked so and so much, but you seem to really get along. Once someone said to me that a certain so and so was the most miserable woman in the world, in fact she thought she was crazy. Said she hated everyone, except me. Then she wondered aloud why that was.

    It might not be easy to find things to say positive but start small

    -Your little one is so cute/handsome
    -Your little one has such nice manners
    -I love your littles ones smile
    -you really dress your little one nicely, you've got a real sense of style
    -You really have good kids
    -I hope I'm as good a Mom or Dad as you
    -Your little one said/did the sweetest/cutest thing today
    -You make split pea soup better then anyone I know
    -I never liked meatloaf till I tried yours
    -boy, you sure do a great job at_____
    -I love your sense of style
    -I value your opinion
    -I really like your whatever craft they are working on
    -You've got such a green thumb, just look at these plants
    -I admire the way you handled that
    -I'm going to try and make that just like you, that came out great

    To the little ones
    -I love your laugh
    -I love your smile
    -Aren't you just the sweetest
    -Wow, look at how nice you colored that picture
    -That's awesome you got an A+ on that math page, make sure you put it on the fridge so I can admire it
    -Would you like to play legos/tea party? I like playing with you
    -Come on over here and snuggle next to me, I missed you while you were at school today.
    -Wow, you're amazing!
    -You know, I think you're really doing well at reading that book. Must be because you're so smart.
    -Today I made you some cupcakes, just because I love you
    -Tell me that story about____, I love the way you tell it

    Just some ideas, but don't dare say something unless you REALLY mean it. False praise is wrong, and very transparent. 5 positives to every 1 negative they throw your way.

    Wishing you the best Ash

  6. #50
    Registered User Syn D's Avatar
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    When we have lived with others, we bought our own stuff and we had our own section of the fridg and freezer and everything else we stored on shelves in our room... There was no confusion or extra $$ going out for us..

  7. #51
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    I agree with that, that is exactly how I did it when I had room mates. Never shared food, toiletries.

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    Thanks all. Living with a room-mate in a shared house is just not for DH and I am really not comfortable with that.

    I am just going to rough it out.

  9. #53
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    Quote Originally Posted by Greebo View Post
    Fair enough - like I said -I've got no beef with you saving up a nice healthy EF first.
    please define, for Ashley's situation.
    IMO...more than $1000
    ~Russ

  10. #54
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    Ashley, I hope you get the food situation figured out. Do not however let the sister boss you around. It definately sounds as if the whole family should be on the same page. I would definately have my own toiletries, medicine, snacks. If everyone wants to pitch in on everything else great. But once something is gone it should be known it is not replaced until the next shopping trip. End of story.

    I lived with three other people. We all had our separate food, toiletries, medicine. Yes, we actually had our own toilet paper and we took a roll with us when we used the bathroom. There was no fighting about whos was whats. If we wanted to share a meal or needed some milk we always asked first.

    It will be difficult to get adjusted but always try to remember why you are living where you are now. Stay focused.

  11. #55
    Registered User druthb00's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AnW819 View Post
    *snip*

    We pay a total rent amount to DHs dad. Not sister. She does not pay anything-so there really is nothing to trade =/
    I think this says a lot about the problems you're having right now. It sounds like....and I'm not saying she's a "bad" person, but if she's an adult with a parent that lets her live for free (not to mention in a separate house even) she's probably used to having things handed to her and may inadvertently take advantage of people; simply because she doesn't have a heck of a lot of "adult responsibilities." I really think that having a mini-fridge in your room might be the only solution

    Quote Originally Posted by Ceashels View Post
    *snip*

    ---
    Keep in mind that storing things in your room may also set up some tensions so it is not a great solution to the long term problem.

    A better solution: might include having a "staple" grocery list that everyone contributes to and that everyone eats. Get your menu planning hat on and sit down with the other cooks in the house! Everyone splits that grocery bill. Then everyone else can pay for their own extras that only they will enjoy... coffee, brand name detergent, etc. It takes a bit more micromanaging but if everyone agrees to it things will get better.
    In most cases I would have to agree with Ceashels, but I think this is kind of a unique "roomate" situation, since the people you're rooming with aren't paying rent as it is, and yet still don't have money each week to contribute to groceries.

  12. #56
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    To me it sounds like many are making out the sister to be the "bad" person. Whether sister pays rent or not is really no one's business other than the sister and dad. I understand they were in that arrangement before you moved in. Remember you are the one's moving in on their arrangement. They should not be expected to void their arrangements or habits to accommodate you. You are disrupting what was working for them. Good or bad. Like it or not. You cannot expect them to rearrange for you. You must rearrange for them.

    If sharing is not working, make a way to keep it in your room. Yes, it will inconvenience you but remember sharing space with 2 extra people is an inconvenience to them.

    I could not imagine someone like say DH's sister and husband moving in to where I am living, even if they are paying a token rent, then telling me to rearrange my life for them and how it is inconvenient for them.

    It is probably time to start looking at the whole picture. Where would you be without all these generous people helping you? I know right now you cannot see the "helping" part but allowing someone to live in your space is a major sacrifice. Who cares that they use a different brand of TP?

  13. #57
    Registered User Lynn4's Avatar
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    Hang in there Ashley. I can say that I have lived in a dorm with room mates, allowed a sibling to live with us, a parent, a longtime family friend and a colleague who was getting divorced and low on funds. (Not all a the same time mind you). We had the food problems with the sibling. After that I decided (with the others) that I would just buy the food and cook. I didn't buy snacks, I just cooked lunch and dinner. It wasn't worth the stress coming up with a plan and having people not mind it. My husband drives me nuts by leaving empty containers in the fridge--and I love him!

    Just having someone else live with us was very very hard on us. I have decided that no one lives with us again. I will give them money to stay somewhere else first(not that I could afford it) . It isn't worth the loss of our privacy.

    Remind yourself of what you are REALLY doing. Don't get caught up in the drama. You have your goals. These are little bumps. To me this whole things sounds like a hassle. I might live on ramen, instant oatmeal. vegetables and fruit. Doesn't sound great, but simplifying what you eat/buy (and) you can keep most of these things in your room. And for sure (I think) it is a better idea to buy all your own health/body/cleaning stuff. You don't really need that much, you should be able to stash it in your room with some of the ideas other folks shared with you on creating storage space.

  14. #58
    Registered User MTS04's Avatar
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    Ashley, you said, with you being on the 3rd floor, up and down, up and down, they'd know. So, they knowyour have staples in your room, if someone asks... Tell them. "I'm working, he's working, we need food to get by for the week and can't afford others eating it and not replenishing what they use. For peace and comfort, we've decided to keep a bit of dry non-perishable storage in our living area"

    keep your chin up and your eye on the prize

  15. #59
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    If I didn't have room in my bedroom, I'd put it all in a kitchen cabinet and padlock it.

  16. #60
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    Is there anyway to set up a menu and everyone agrees and then pitches in for it. All snacks and extras are bought by whoever wants it. Go through the kitchen and pick a cupboard just for your snacks. Let it be known that this is yours, off limits to everyone else. Really need to set up some rules for food and other things. Good luck

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