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  1. #16
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    If you kicked him out once before, then I would make sure he has corrected that behavior before allowing him to come back. From the sound of things, he hasnt done so. Like someone else said, dont be an enabler.

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    Marie, I do understand your concerns as we have been down the same path.

    When it comes to our addicted children, there is a saying, "We can love our children to death."

    What that means is that we can "help" our children so much that they fall further into addiction; so much further they eventually end up dead from it. So it is true that you could allow him to crash at your house and give him access to your assets to abuse: a bed to sleep in ... or invite lovers to have sex with him in, a full refrigerator that he'll eat out of ... or take food from to give to his homeless "friends", a car to drive ... to the bad side of town where drugs are sold (and it gets confiscated by the police when he is arrested), and all your personal possessions ... which he'll arrange for friend to come in and steal so they can get money for drugs.

    He won't do that to his mother? Really? YOU would never do something like that to your mother but addicts think much differently.

    Your son is not a child who needs to be rescued by his mommy. Your 24-yr old son is a MAN. More than a place to sleep he needs to hear from you that you have complete faith in his abilities to solve his own problems. He needs to have you tell him, "Honey, I know times are tough for you. I also know you can recover and I have faith that you will soon. When I see - by your actions - that you have turned your life around we can talk then about what help I can give you." And I mean real actions like holding down a real job for 6 months or more.

    Where will he sleep? Oh my goodness, there are tons of safe places for him to sleep. Just because you don't know about them, that doesn't mean he doesn't. Why doesn't he sleep there? Because they have rules and aren't easily manipulated. You are. You're the easy mark.

    You are the last person in his life who has the ability to tell him that you know that inside he is stronger than the pills. If you take him in and let him manipulate your goodness, he will end up feeling worse about himself. The worse he feels, the more drugs he'll take. Please give him hope. Tell him you can't let him stay with you because you know he can access drug recovery services and he'll start turning around the mess he has created.

    You're not being hard-hearted. You're being an advocate for your child.

  3. #18
    Registered User Frugal Nurse's Avatar
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    Once an addict - always an addict.
    The fact that he doesn't have a job, or car, or much of anything says he is still doing drugs. Don't be fooled.

    He has already lied to you by saying that he isn't doing anything- clearly he is. He just hasn't done anything in the last couple of days (that's an addicts rationality to not lying). I think you know he lied. He hasn't even moved in and he's lying. Imagine when he does move in? If he does you're stuck with him and his dysfuntion for a verrrrrrry long time. It will be hard to shake him loose.

    CookieLee has it right - your house is going to be chaos from then on. So, unless you like chaos, I wouldn't have him move in. He's a man - it's time to grow up.

    And don't feel guilty about it! You did nothing wrong.



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    Quote Originally Posted by MariaP View Post
    I just dont have the heart to turn him away, where would he go, where would he sleep ( under a bridge) .. my son had an additction problem years ago, and i was hopeful throwing him out helped him get clean, But that dont seem to be the case.. how can i turn him away and still sleep at night?
    The fact is he would go somewhere. Depending on where you live he may have friends to stay with or there might be a shelter in the area. I know at least one addict that went into treatment just to have a place to sleep. Or, he might sleep outdoors long enough to find out that he's rather get clean than sleep outdoors.

    If you take him in you might sleep better but he'll have a reason not to bother to get better.

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    I want to thank each one of you for your help. I am going to take the advice and randomly drug test him, any positive results will will result in leaving my home or getting treatment. I am also going to find a group near me. Again thank you so much!

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    hugs no advice..this is extremely hard....prayers said for u all

  8. #22
    Registered User LynnLC's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MariaP View Post
    I want to thank each one of you for your help. I am going to take the advice and randomly drug test him, any positive results will will result in leaving my home or getting treatment. I am also going to find a group near me. Again thank you so much!
    Will you be able to safely monitor him as you already have a pregnant daughter living with you & a newborn on the way?

  9. #23
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    My heart goes out to you! It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. First don't make a rushed decision in the heat of the moment. Take a little lime to think things through and to talk to a professional to get some good advice. I talked to a counselor a while back about my teen aged son moving in with me. I knew he smoked pot at age of 15 and his dad was wanting him to live with me. I knew I didn't have a clue what I was getting into so I had to talk to someone. A counselor gave me some great advice! IF you allow him to move in he needs to sign a contract agreeing to your house rules and the consequences of breaking them. For my son there was going to be random drug testing more than once a week if I so choose along with random room searches and beside that i had the consequences he would have faced for failing any/every rule. There was mandatory counseling too. The counselor I went to also told me that the #1 place kids hide drugs is in the parents bedroom. With that make sure you put a lock on your bedroom door and make sure you lock up any medications anyone in your house takes. Another favorite place to stash drugs in in the toilet tank.

    GOOD LUCK!!!!!

  10. #24
    Registered User LynnLC's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by alaska_tiger_36 View Post
    My heart goes out to you! It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. First don't make a rushed decision in the heat of the moment. Take a little lime to think things through and to talk to a professional to get some good advice. I talked to a counselor a while back about my teen aged son moving in with me. I knew he smoked pot at age of 15 and his dad was wanting him to live with me. I knew I didn't have a clue what I was getting into so I had to talk to someone. A counselor gave me some great advice! IF you allow him to move in he needs to sign a contract agreeing to your house rules and the consequences of breaking them. For my son there was going to be random drug testing more than once a week if I so choose along with random room searches and beside that i had the consequences he would have faced for failing any/every rule. There was mandatory counseling too. The counselor I went to also told me that the #1 place kids hide drugs is in the parents bedroom. With that make sure you put a lock on your bedroom door and make sure you lock up any medications anyone in your house takes. Another favorite place to stash drugs in in the toilet tank.

    GOOD LUCK!!!!!
    Why is the #1 place to hide drugs is in the parent's bedroom? Seems like that would be the last place. Lol

  11. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by LynnLC View Post
    Why is the #1 place to hide drugs is in the parent's bedroom? Seems like that would be the last place. Lol
    What parent is going to look underneath their own mattress for drugs? Or in their own closet, dresser or bathroom? The odds are that they will not. They will search their kids room high and low but not their own room. After all, they aren't the ones doing the drugs so why would the drugs be in their room - right??

  12. #26
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    Great advise from all the other posters. Make sure that you lock away anything of value or any meds you may have to take so that the temptation is not there if he is indeed on drugs.

    An old friend of my dd's started coming around about a year ago after not seeing her all through high school, she only lives 5 houses away. Well she was on pills and cleaned us out before we knew it! Jewelry, hidden cash, little nick nacks and would daily sneak my dd's ATM card use it and then put it back. She would walk to the grocery store just up the street buy a soda and a candy bar and get 50.00 cash back. She did that 6 times before we found out. The bank paid the money back with no problem but then said since we got the money back we were no longer a victim. She got arrested a few days later for other thefts and went to jail for a month.

    Hope your son is clean but if he is not do not leave temptation around.

  13. #27
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    Quote Originally Posted by alaska_tiger_36 View Post
    What parent is going to look underneath their own mattress for drugs? Or in their own closet, dresser or bathroom? The odds are that they will not. They will search their kids room high and low but not their own room. After all, they aren't the ones doing the drugs so why would the drugs be in their room - right??
    Do they not change the sheets? I highly doubt an addict is going to put drugs under the parents' mattress..kinda hard to get to the drugs, no?

  14. #28
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    Anything of value, $, checkbook, your purse, jewelry, ANYTHING that could be taken to a pawn shop or sold on the street-would be locked up.
    Are you going to have the time to take him to job interviews, meetings, appt's, or can you trust him with your car? And the overall expense of taking on his debts?
    Good Luck.

  15. #29
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    How are you doing? Praying you are well

  16. #30
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    You are in my prayers. I agree with the drug test first before anything else.

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