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    Default need advice

    Hello everyone, The past few days i have found myself in a situation that requires some guidance. My 24 year old son asked to come home. with no job , no car.. and not much of anything he left home with. Rumors are he is doing pills , but when i ask him of course he denies any involvement at all.
    i dunno what to do. please help

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    Registered User Ayanka's Avatar
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    First of all big hugs to you. Whatever you decide to do, it isn't going to be easy. I have seen the consequences of addiction and it can break people down from the loved ones they have been, to only a shadow of what they were. If you decide to take your son in, please make sure you have everything written on paper, as a kind of contract. It may sound unnecessary and uneasy to do now, but if something goes wrong you ll be happy to have it. And if all goes smooth you can just forget about it. Further you are the most important, not your son. This may sound very harsh, but as only he can change his life if he needs to, so are you the only one who can make the right decision for you. I hope you take the decision that is right for you whatever that is and I wish you the best of luck.

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    I just dont have the heart to turn him away, where would he go, where would he sleep ( under a bridge) .. my son had an additction problem years ago, and i was hopeful throwing him out helped him get clean, But that dont seem to be the case.. how can i turn him away and still sleep at night?

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    Needs a drug test before he moves in. He may need rehab. You cant love him out of addiction. I agree that something written should take place. He is an adult.

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    I am sorry you are facing this. I'd give him a week at home as you assess the situation and you both come up with a plan.

    But as someone posted, you have to take care of yourself so that you will always be in a position to help him. If he may steal from you to feed the habit, that has to be prevented at all costs.

    I buried an old boyfriend in November, heroin addict. He had everything in the world, good family and plenty of money, but nothing beat the addiction. In the end his wealthy parents bought him a condo, brought over food and cleaned him up and paid for his drugs so he wouldn't go to the streets. They said the end was almost a relief.

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    Quote Originally Posted by frugalwarrior2 View Post
    Needs a drug test before he moves in. He may need rehab. You cant love him out of addiction. I agree that something written should take place. He is an adult.
    what I was going to say. Insist he be clean, don't be an enabler.

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    I am sorry you are facing this. I'd give him a week at home as you assess the situation and you both come up with a plan. I can't say living with you is a solution and a written contract means nothing to an addict. Those nasty drugs are the very devil and regardless of how his heart feels towards you, the drugs may cause him to betray you.

    But as someone posted, you have to take care of yourself so that you will always be in a position to help him. If he may steal from you to feed the habit, that has to be prevented.

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    You may want to seek advice from a local Al-anon or Nar - anon group. Most of them have probably dealt with situations like this and can offer not just broad advice but what worked and didn't work for them.

    hugs to you and I wish you all the best in such a difficult situation.

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    my prayers go out to you and your family. so sorry you are going through this.

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    What is his current living arrangement?

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    I also think that going to an Al-anon meeting will be good for you. It will help you learn how to set the boundaries and actually stick to them. He should be give a set amount of time to get back on his feet...say six months to find a job, keep it, and save money for an apartment. Make it a stipulation that he has to attend meetings and see a counselor to be able to move back in. If he does not comply, the best thing would be to let him go and hit his bottom. Addiction is awful, but if you make it too easy for him, he will not be motivated to get better.

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    If there is a mod out there, could you pleAse delete my first insensitive post (and this one as well). I only have my iPhone at the moment and can't seem to edit or delete.

    Thanks and apologies, bad judgement on my part.

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    I worked many years with addicts. I agree with the advice of other posters.
    You need to work on YOU!! Al Anon or Nar Anon.
    You do not want to hurt instead of help your son and enabeling him is hurting him in the long run.
    Blessed and Highly Favored!!!!
    From $78K in debt to debt free and purchased a house and used car with 100% cash...God is sooo Good!!!

    Goals:
    New to me vehicle

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    Quote Originally Posted by citrine View Post
    I also think that going to an Al-anon meeting will be good for you. It will help you learn how to set the boundaries and actually stick to them. He should be give a set amount of time to get back on his feet...say six months to find a job, keep it, and save money for an apartment. Make it a stipulation that he has to attend meetings and see a counselor to be able to move back in. If he does not comply, the best thing would be to let him go and hit his bottom. Addiction is awful, but if you make it too easy for him, he will not be motivated to get better.
    I know it's hard, he's your child, but I don't think it's a good idea to let him move back home. If you do, the above advice is good. You have to set boundaries and keep them otherwise he will walk all over you.

    If you cushion the bottom he needs to hit, he most likely will never find the motivation to get clean.

    I also highly recommend Al-Anon/Nar-Anon meetings for yourself.

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    Registered User LynnLC's Avatar
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    Did you say that your daughter lives with you & a newborn is on the way? This changes a lot of things...

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