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11-20-2016, 11:52 PM #1
Anyone have or had parents living with you??
I know some of the members that are not currently posting have. Debbie cat comes to mind.....and I was just looking at old post and she said her father in law was a sweet heart, days were tough but she would not change anything, I know her father in law has passed away awhile ago. I do share her feelings though.....it is hard but so worth it! We can share our house with father in law and he can live safe and warm and extremely comfortably here. With his low, low social security income he was beyond struggling after his wife died....not enough money to live, quit taking meds and depressed. At times though it is hard for me, really hard not having my 100% privacy. Also, since my dad has cancer sometimes I want to just come home and crawl in bed and cry but I feel I have to put in a happy face. Hubby tries hard to relieve me and tells me to take my time alone but he works 10 hour days 4 days a week plus an hour commute time. So I do feel a bit stuck at times.
Just wondering if anyone has tips that helped you cope? I can see I need to make time for hubby and not put him on the back burner constantly. Also, I do see I (we) need to set boundaries with hubbys sisters. Yes your father lives here and you can visit anytime you want ( which seems to be maybe one time a month) but....I am not a bed and breakfast......cook diner when you decide you want to come .....this is my home and I am taking care of your father....not you! Hubby is more willing to say something to sisters......I am the one that does not want to cause waves. Any thoughts from those have been there done that? Or are currently doing it?
11-21-2016, 06:23 PM #2
My mom moved in with us last November. She didn't want to for a long time. She has macular degeneration and as her eyesight got worse, she was less and less able to clean her house, and cook for herself. Because she had two dogs and a cat, we could not keep up with the messes. One dog was old and was incontinent. The cat was very old and pooped where ever she was, on the bed or chair or where ever. The young dog was never really house broken because Mom couldn't see when he was looking for a place to go or when he wanted out. It was a nightmare. AND, Mom has basically NO sense of smell so she couldn't smell the messes or spoiled food, as well as not being able to see poop on the floor or mold on the food. It took us awhile to talk her into moving in with us. Before that, the old dog and cat died. Sad but that sure helped us out a lot! The young dog has done really well getting potty trained since he's been here.
We are so glad to have her here safe, warm, eating good food, etc. DH and I are very fortunate to have an adult son and an adult daughter living with us also. Both work from home and are an awesome help to us around the homestead as well as helping take care of Mom. She is pretty healthy and if she could see, she wouldn't need any care.
We had a separate phone line put in Mom's bedroom so she can call her friends and not tie up our line. She needs to feel needed so she washes the dishes and either DD or I will supervise and rinse them, checking to see if they're clean. She does a good job for being legally blind! She also folds much of the laundry and grinds the corn into meal, shells beans, etc.. She's very proud of her jobs and doesn't want us doing them. She said she needs to feel like she's contributing to the running of the household, it makes her feel like part of the family.
I think the thing that hurts older folks is feeling like they are a burden to their family. They need to be shown over and over that you appreciate having them with you and that they're an important part of the family. Our goal is to make Mom's last years to be filled with joy and sunshine as much as we are able. DD reads aloud to her every night and sometimes I join them. She can't see to read but even a sighted elder might enjoy being read to and just having family join in listening.
11-21-2016, 11:44 PM #3
Kudos to you for taking in your father in law. I agree that you need to set clear boundaries....I just read a book titled, "Boundaries" from the library and that really helped me to set some boundaries for myself. I don't have parents living with us but do care for them quite a lot - driving to all appointments and making a couple of meals a week. I have siblings but I'm expected to be there for them because they are 'busy'.
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11-22-2016, 07:33 AM #4
I forgot to mention that I don't have siblings and my father died in 2008. We have another daughter and son-in-law who live about 3 hours from us. They visit and help with big projects and call Mom at least once a week to chat.
11-22-2016, 11:44 AM #5
I will order that book from the library....thanks!
Luckily I have a sister who is just as involved as I am with my own parents and she (and her family) are moving next door to my parents ( instead of 1/4 mile away). I am less than half mile away from them.
My husbands sisters on the other hand live an hour and half away so I did not expect a lot of help with father in law. I do feel they need to check with us when they want to come and not just tell father in law.(he still has his cell phone and same number) Is that wrong? We do want him to feel like it is his home too and I think he does. However it has been our home for over 20 years prior. I guess it is not a huge deal since once a month is the most one sister has came and the other less. It always seems to revolve around something they want to do in the area also. Hubby is more than willing to talk to them about it but I don't want to cause problems. Father in law does tell us when they call so we do know what is up. I am surprised the sisters and father in laws step kids (who he was very close to) don't call him more?? Guess we will just keep going and see what happens.....
11-22-2016, 12:38 PM #6
I second "Boundaries". Excellent book and I learned much from it.
11-22-2016, 01:58 PM #7
- Rep Power
I don't live with my parents or vice versa. However my brother is an angel and moved into parents' basement about a year ago. Dad suffered a stroke in January and cannot move himself at all, and mom has been blind for many years (diabetes.) There are hired people who come many days but my brother is the one managing who is there and when, and he is the only one there at night and for breakfast. He does not leave the house unless someone is there who can live/move my father.
My brother established a routine which everyone tries to follow. Meals and pills at certain times. Laundry and other housekeeping done daily. Since I can lift/move Dad I schedule my visits for when a hired person is not on duty. That gives my brother time away. I always let him know when I am coming and try to arrive at the same time and let him know how late I can stay. Usually I am there about 8 hours. I always bring something that will be lunch (main meal). I put a list on the refrigerator of what I have brought for future meals. I check beforehand if they need anything from the grocery store to save someone a trip. I do the laundry and other housekeeping when I am there, minor cooking, just try to be generally useful. Brother does get irritated if I move or rearrange things. However I seem to be better at "finding" stuff around the house than he is. On Sunday I found turkey roaster bags, a roaster pan, and the herbs and left them on the counter for him. I also brought the various sides for Thanksgiving and left them in the fridge or freezer (and listed). He just needs to do the turkey.
Added: I also live about 90 minutes away from my parents, so I am dreading how the winter weather is going to impact all this.
11-22-2016, 04:51 PM #8
When I read what you do to help your brother out that sounds just perfect to me! Bringing food for when you are there plus extra food is definitely appreciated I am sure!
As for myself I have decided it is not worth getting away for a few hours because meals seem to be expected if someone coming to help. Actually, father in law is doing so much better since being with us and getting back in his meds and regular meals that he does not need someone with him all the time like he did when he first moved in. We can comfortably leave for several hours though we don't to often.
11-28-2016, 10:04 PM #9
TDN no advice but your awesome for being such a fabulous daughter in law! I'm sorry to hear about your dad. Hugs
12-09-2016, 06:43 AM #10
- Rep Power
I lived with my parents for 15 years. Took care of mom til she passed in 2007, then took care of dad for a long time, as a single mom to my two children. My son had an allergic reaction to a medication,and was hospitalized; cps was called about my father(85 drank too much never hurt the kids)but Gabe said Grandpa drank too much beer. I had to move, lost my kids to my ex, and lost ,y dad six months later. My brother had moved in to help. This is so tragic to me because I feel my dad's heart broke when my mom died then twice over when he lost me and his grandkids. Broke my heart too, specially since he died a slow lingering death of cancer. I don't know if I can give tips for coping, but just to let you know I understand, and watching a parent or in law change as they age and fail can be so very painful. My heart broke after all of this happened.....
05-16-2017, 03:40 PM #11
My mom and I have lived together for over 16 years. My ex and I split up (will not go into details) and mom had me move in to help her out with bills and our roommate, who was ill. Mom had to retire in 2015 and I am taking care of her full-time now.
05-25-2017, 09:49 AM #12
- Rep Power
My father passed long ago after a decade of alzheimers. In the very end, we needed to put him in a nursing home, but he only lasted about six weeks there.
My mother passed in 2009 after a long debilitating illness. My siblings in the area and I took turns giving her round the clock care and were able to keep her at home until she passed.
We only have my MIL left. She lives 5 minute away, having moved here two years ago. She is in a community targeted for over 55 and it has been a huge blessing as they are very active and watch out for each other. However, I told her straight out that if her health ever declined sufficiently, hubby and I had discussed it and she would always have a home with us if she wanted or needed it.
Yes, it is stressful, but it's family and it's what you do.
Good for you for reaching out for ideas to make it work for you.2018/2019 Pay Off the Windows Challenge: $31,057.34/$31,057.34 (Goal: Pay Off By 11/30/2019 - DONE! PAID IN FULL 11/15/19)
09-03-2018, 11:56 PM #13
- Rep Power
I have my 71 year old mother with me.
03-11-2019, 04:46 AM #14
First, you are awesome! Taking in an in-law is so challenging.
Second, I feel your pain! I have my father in-law living in our basement. We moved to a new house a couple of years ago and the biggest part of the laundry list of wants was a separated space. We needed to have the upstairs be our private space and he needed to have the basement be his private space, with the washer and dryer on the main level. Thank goodness we were able to find this set up, but it took about 40 houses before we found the right one. That being said and bought, we still have to deal with him being on the middle level all the time, because the basement is too "cold". So if you decide to move for divided space, make sure you pick a house the a better temperature regulated basement.
I wish my husband had siblings who would take my father in-laws attention away from me. I stay at home with my kids and he is constantly there talking to me and asking if I need help with the house cleaning. I am a little OCD and I like to do things my way, so I usually end up snapping at him for that.
Third, finding time with your husband is everything. I have a hard time with that and when we do find time, I want to complain to him about his dad. I have found when I make the effort to not talk about the struggles I have with his father day in and day out makes our time together much more enjoyable.
Dang, thins was more of a rant that a solution. I hope you find some peace in your situation. Maybe we can vent to each other, haha!
-stressed OCD mom
03-11-2019, 01:45 PM #15
but we have been taking care of inlaws for years our family has come second so many times for no real good reason. knowing when my dh has a few hours to spend doing something at home his sister is the favourite and a nasty person. so she is more work then help.
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