Life after a miscarriage
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  1. #1
    Registered User Bournecrazy's Avatar
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    Default Life after a miscarriage

    I found out yesterday that a girl at work had a miscarriage and i dont know how or what to say without bringing it up and upsetting her as its a very sensitive issue and very heartbreaking for her as she was having IVF and was in her 9th or 10th week when it happened and if this wasnt bad enough for her a few years ago she had to go thru a still-birth at 7 months.

    I dont know what to do or say to her and not make the situation awkward.

    Anyone else had to deal with something like this?

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    Registered User Rhiamon's Avatar
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    I have had 3 miscarriages. They were all hard but my last was the hardest because it was going to happen on it’s so I had to have a DNC.
    The worst things that I found said to me were:
    ~there was something wrong with the baby so you wouldn't have wanted it anyways.
    ~You can always have more
    ~Get over it
    ~You could always adopt (not that this is a bad thing just not a good thing to say to someone who has just lost a baby)
    ~The baby was sick
    ~you can always try again

    What I needed to hear was
    I am sorry for your loss, because it was a huge loss.
    I am here if you need to talk
    A hug when I was crying
    Someone who would just sit with me and let me cry my eyes and heart out.
    The nicest thing done for me was my best friends mom planted a tree in her yard in memory of my baby. Just even a simple sympathy card, that says I am sorry for your loss. It made me cry but it was also one of the nicest things done for me.
    I also hate to say it but it never truly goes away. At least for me it didn't. My baby would have been two this year in April, and I couldn't even look at a two year old without crying. Understand if she has friends with babies, who are pregnant or children she may avoid you for a little while, because the hurt is just too much. I know I had a friend with the exact same due date as mine and I avoid her for months after her son was born.
    You are so kind for trying to find out how to help. Even if she never wants to talk about it your kindness towards her in this time will be so greatly appreciated that she will always remember it.

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    Registered User pollypurebred39's Avatar
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    The best thing someone did for me was bring me a cup of coffee and a doughnut and set it down on my desk and said, "I've been thinking about you" and then walked away and sat down at their desk.

    I also received a card in the mail (at home a few days later) from same coworker. It was a blank card where she wrote how sorry she was for my loss, and let me know that she would be thinking of me.

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    Registered User gapeach's Avatar
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    I have had 2 family members that had miscarriages. DH and I never a "big deal" out of it. Instead we let them know how sorry we were and sent cards and made phone calls just to let them know we were thinking of them. Both of them told us that they appreciated it so much and that it was one of the most thoughtful things anybody did for them in their time of grief.

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    Let her talk. My family didn't want me to talk about it. I found an online pregnancy loss forum (that unfortunately isn't up and running anymore). I don't know what I would have done without those online women that let me cry and vent and that I could listen to when they needed to cry and vent.

    I was one of those that did get pg right away. It didn't make my loss any less but a lot of people thought it should.

    My sis's SO was pg and due 1wk before Daniel was due. It has taken 3yrs but recently, for the first time, I was able to look at that baby and not think of mine.

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    Registered User sunshine's Avatar
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    I agree- - the worse was when people wanted to act like it never happened.

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    Registered User Tamerama's Avatar
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    I love the idea of planting a tree in the yard. What a precious thing to do ...and truly shows that person that you realize how real their loss is.
    I had a miscarriage at 11 weeks and it was probably to date the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I so appreciated the cards and letters that people sent me during that time. Even just the sympathy cards that said "thinking of you"...

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    Just send her a nice card at home and don't bring it up at the office unless she does. When i miscarried my neighbor laughed and asking If I wanted a kid so bad would I like one of his. People say the damndest things. Just give her time to get over the disappointment of what might have been.

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    Registered User eofelis's Avatar
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    I don't normally visit this forum topic, as I don't have children, but felt the need to after just learning that my friend and co-worker just lost her baby at 5 months into her pregnancy. Don't know what to say. Her husband is also a co-worker here. The company we all work for seems to be very understanding of them taking an unknown amount of time off work to heal from this.

    Very sad.

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    I would probably give her a card. Let's you know you are thinking of her but doesn't put her in an uncomfortable position.

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    Registered User MissSeetonFan's Avatar
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    Like the posters before have done, a simple "I'm sorry for your loss" and "I can't imagine what you must be feeling, now" are probably the best things to say. The closer you are to a person, the more you can do for them. A card is always appropriate, a treat, a dessert, a meal, or something done in memory of the baby also depending on what happens. If they are burying the baby, help towards costs of a headstone or funeral/memorial service can also be appropriate.

    Also, like others before have said, the mom (& dad) will likely be emotional at what may seem like weird things. Let them be emotional. Give them time. And when they come back to work, ask if they want to talk about their baby. Knowing that somebody remembers and is willing to let them talk about it (in the appropriate setting - lunch, breaks, etc.) helps with healing. Ask if they named the baby. If so, refer to the baby by name.

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    Registered User eofelis's Avatar
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    My friend did return to work this week. She is weepy and sad, but ok otherwise. Our workplace is low stress so she can work at her own pace.

    Last week I sent her a card and a package of a Thai noodle dish that I made. She said that she really liked that as she had not felt like cooking for a while.

    I really like the idea of getting her a tree or shrub to plant in her yard as a memorial. They have a lot of trees and plantings already. I talked to some of my co-workers and manager about it. They really liked that idea too. My manager want to go out tomorrow to look for a nice tree. I'll let you know what we find later.

    Also, my friend's SO (who also works here) is out of town for a few days working in the field. I told her that if she needs company at home because she can't stand to sit there by herself, to let me know. (We are friends outside of work, occasionally getting together for lunch or a hike or something). I told her I'd come over and we could watch a movie or something. She seemed to really like that.

    She had lived in town for a couple of years but I do not think she has any friends outside of work here. It's not her. This town seems to be a difficult one to make friends in.
    Last edited by eofelis; 08-06-2013 at 12:08 PM.

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    I agree that a simple "I'm sorry for your loss" is probably the best thing to say.

    What I actually found most helpful - I had a super early miscarriage (also called a chemical pregnancy) - was when I told people and other women opened up to share their stories. I had always thought that miscarriage was very rare, but it turns out that at least 3 women out of the 8 in my department had experienced one. It happens a lot more often that I had thought.

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    Hugs to you, you're being a good friend.
    I've had 3 miscarriages, and the best was like the others had said - listen to me when I want to talk about it, let me cry, acknowledge my loss and do not ever lessen it. My last one was 3 years ago, and it still hurts today. I remember the u/s tech telling me things like "well, there's no baby there now, so you don't need to be sad", and those words still hurt. Also "at least you m/c in the first trimester". That was hurtful too. It was HEALING to have someone tell me it's okay to be sad, that they were sorry for our loss, and let me know that they are there for me.

    It's the simple gestures that make the biggest difference.

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    Hugs to you, you're being a good friend.
    I've had 3 miscarriages, and the best was like the others had said - listen to me when I want to talk about it, let me cry, acknowledge my loss and do not ever lessen it. My last one was 3 years ago, and it still hurts today. I remember the u/s tech telling me things like "well, there's no baby there now, so you don't need to be sad", and those words still hurt. Also "at least you m/c in the first trimester". That was hurtful too. It was HEALING to have someone tell me it's okay to be sad, that they were sorry for our loss, and let me know that they are there for me.

    It's the simple gestures that make the biggest difference.

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