DD and holiday drama
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  1. #1
    Registered User Mamaw's Avatar
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    Default DD and holiday drama

    Warning: This is a long and rambling vent....
    Many of you may remember that my youngest DD suffers from depression, BPD and is Bi-polar. She hates change of any kind and finds the holidays depressing for the most part. There has been nothing I could ever do to change any of this. DD moved into her own apartment and has a boyfriend living with her. ( I cant stand the guy and do not approve but keep my mouth shut and act accordingly since she is 26 and it is really her own choice at this point) Since DD moved out, I have rearranged the basement room ( her old living area/bedroom) into more of a family room. I put a sleeper sofa there to double as a bed when the children come to visit. I also have an extra bedroom/sewing room that has a futon which opens to a queen size bed as well. My oldest DD, her hubby and 2 children are coming from Ohio and normally sleep in the sewing room. My DS and his wife are coming from New York and I intended to have them take the sleeper sofa. DD #2 lives only about 45 minutes away so I assumed she would come for Thanksgiving during the day so I did not worry about a bed for her. Today she came to visit and ended up in tears. she told me that she intended to stay the night and have Thanksgiving morning with her family. I told her that she can sleep on the couch or that I will put a roll away bed spring and twin mattress ( that I have been storing) into my office for her to sleep on. She is more than welcome to be here. She proceeds to tell me that she hates my office because it is cluttered and has hair from the dog and cat. The couch is not good because she goes to sleep earlier than the rest of the family. I asked if we could put the twin mattress in the bedroom room ( it is almost the entire length of the house) but she snores and talks in her sleep so does not want to be in a room with anyone else. I finally told her that these arrangements are the best that I can do so either live with it or stay at her own house and meet up with us for lunch, dinner and visiting, etc. I am just so tired of always having to deal with her drama on the holidays. I will admit I am not the best housekeeper and both the dog and cat shed constantly. But I do dust, vacumn, mop, etc and the house is not horrible. I am constantly decluttering and currently have much less mess than when she still lived here! I refuse to ask my other 2 children to get a hotel room when there is space enough here and they travel from out of state to visit. What it really gets down to, is she wants to be adult and live on her own but expects the house to always stay the same. She also told me that she needs her own little private space to go to when the holidays, the family and the confusion get too much for her. I told her that is why she has her own house. Honestly, I am about to scream. I dont think there is anything more that I can do and I am sick of having my life dictated. I love her dearly but am finding myself loving living in my house with none of my children here all the time. My own house, my own space, my own life that I have bought and paid for. I have no idea how I will get through another holiday season. Every year in the past, she spent alot of time in her room away from everyone else. She would visit family for a short time and leave when she wanted. One Christmas she was upset and would not even spend any time with anyone at all! And now I am supposed to change the whole family to accommodate her! Any suggestions, hints or just insight if you have family like this is appreciated. To put it mildly, I find myself dreading the holidays enough without her helping me out! AUGHHHHHH

  2. #2

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    I think you have handled it as well as can be expected.......

    You told her the right things......let her get on with her life.....if she says anything else just smile and ignore her. It sounds like to me that she thinks the world revolves around her??? Time for her to find out that it doesn't....Just a question: Is she on meds???

    Good Luck,
    leezza

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    Big Hugs!

    I think you are doing what you can. She needs to realize that the out of towners have first priorities on the rooms. You could tell her that if she needs to be by herself for awhile she can go to your room and close the door. Take care of yourself and try not to worry about her. I have spent way too much time and effort stressing about one child and it ends up never doing any good. What will happen will happen so try to enjoy your visitors.
    Last edited by Terri; 11-20-2008 at 05:00 PM.

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    Registered User HandyMom's Avatar
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    I would tell her to go to dinner with her boyfriend at his parent's house or wherever he is going. Or she can donate her time to a soup kitchen that serves the homeless on Thanksgiving. They can always use an extra hand and she could eat a turkey dinner with her new "friends". Being Bipolar is not an excuse to use to manipulate you and the entire family on the holidays.

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    Registered User Momto2Boyz's Avatar
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    I think you handled the situation just fine. Since I moved out of my parents house when I was 18, I have lived 45 minutes away from them. We always stay in our own home on holidays, just becuase it is easier for us to sleep and wake up in our own bed and it is easier for our families becuase they don't have to worry about having us around 24/7.

    If she wants to be there for breakfast, why doesn't she just get up earlier and drive over? A minor inconvenience, but certainly not impossible!

    It sounds like it is time for her to grow up a little bit and learn that the world revolves around the sun and not her! (That isn't meant to be harsh...it's just life). I think your doing a great job. Stick to your guns and don't let her ruin your holidays!

  7. #6
    Registered User Mamaw's Avatar
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    Thank you for the encouragement. She is indeed on meds but she does still manipulate us if we allow it. The therapist tells me manipulation is part of the disease. I am sticking to my guns but it is hard. I have made the situation worse in the past by giving in to her and always stressing about her reaction...never my reaction. It is a real change for me... I am the enabler in the family but am finding freedom in letting go. Thank for listening and Happy Thanksgiving to you all

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    Registered User Greebo's Avatar
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    I think you're handling it quite well. She has to learn to respect your boundaries, just as she expects others to respect hers.

    Your house, your rules.

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    I applaud you for the way in which you handled this situation. You gave her several choices and she chose none of them which then becomes "not your problem" If she persists, just give her the same options over and over. No holiday should revolve around one person who just wants to control what goes on around themselves.

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    I to say way to go mom! If you don't stand up for you no one else will either. I have to say I think you handle it all very well. You gave her options, now its in her court to choose, but to choose from what you gave her, not make up her own rules!
    I do understand how you feel, its hard to stick with what you say but you just have to. Having a niece that is bipolar I do understand the manipulation....it really is part of the illness and we have to be the ones to stop it. It isn't an excuse for anyone to think the world is their's, and it has to be stopped for their own good. Tuff love is just the name it implies, it is hard! But it is for a good reason and it will help in the long run for her to understand that she can't always have things the way she wants them. Our bipolar niece will be with us during Thanksgiving and I have to admit it makes me nervous. I never know how she will do, what she will be acting like, or what will lead to a total mess of things. I just keep thinking it will all work out, and it usually does. Hang in there, and know that you really are doing your best. That's all that you can do!! ((((HUGS))))

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    Registered User monkeywrangler71's Avatar
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    Mamaw, do you mind if I send you a PM?

  12. #11
    Registered User Mamaw's Avatar
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    Please feel free to PM me. I am grateful to you all for listening to me vent and for the encouragement.

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    Registered User annymoll's Avatar
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    Having a family member with Bipolar illness would be very difficult. Having a family member with Borderline Personality Disorder? Oh dear .You have my sincere sympathies.Stick with your guns.I will be thinking of you.
    Last edited by annymoll; 11-24-2008 at 03:12 PM.

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    Registered User Mamaw's Avatar
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    UPDATE: Guess what? The holiday actually went OK. DD decided to stay in her own apartment to sleep. She came out on Thanksgiving day and mingled a bit with the family. Then she went to grandmothers ( with all of us also there) for a big Thanksgiving dinner. She was very nice, helped to clear the table and do the dishes and was quite pleasant. Then we all went to visit my sister and her family for a bit and had dessert. After that, she went back to her own house. WOW... I am am pleasantly surprised. Now on to Christmas!

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    Registered User monkeywrangler71's Avatar
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    So glad things went smoothly. It probably helped her mood to stay in her own bed the night before rather than have her sleep all messed up by staying over.

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    Member Darlene's Avatar
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    :woohoo1:Woohoo! I love it when the planets all align just so and everything turns out just peachy. Glad you all had a lovely day.




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