Worst night tonight...please help.

**AnW819** · 12-02-2009, 01:16 AM

This might be a bit long, but I really need some help and hugs.

DH has a tendency to not be able to hold a job because he 'doesnt like it'. DH just started a job about a month ago working at a factory making great money. Its 3rd shift though.

Week #2 DH fell asleep driving 5 minutes away from work and reer ended another car. No damage, and the guy apparently did not want his insurance. He calls work, and says he is not coming in. Now, if I would get in a car accident I would not want to drive 45 minutes to get home. Instead I would drive the 5 minutes to work, and work, or relax, or take a nap, or something. DH came home and acted fine, went to bed and we never spoke of it again. Something fishy there if you ask me.

Week #3 (yesterday) DH had heartburn really bad and stomach hurt. 10 minutes after telling me this DH gets taco bell and a soda...Seemed like BS to me.

Today: DH's knee has been hurting. DH complain about his knee while picking me up from work (he was walking fine, no crying or looking like he is in pain). Complains about how he does not like 3rd shift and yada yada. Leaves for work. Shows up back home 40 minutes later. He called out. Goes upstairs, gets in PJs and starts relaxing.

Now mind you, my DH did this at his last job. Complained about his back hurting so much that he went on short term disability. Left that job. Found this job. Back is fine now. We did find out he has budged disk but not bad.

The reason I am so upset right now is because we are living with my dad, we owe my dad money, we have no heat, no money. And DH calls out of work 3 times while only being there maybe a month???

I was FURIOUS. I went upstairs and told DH you can either go back to work, or pack your bags and go to your dads for the night, because I can't do this tonight.

I call his sister, my best friend and she said her and his mom were talking about this last week and knew once I got a job DH would prolly start doing this stuff. His sister does not want him there.

DH refused to leave. We got in a big fight, (I was level headed, though about this a long time before going up stairs to talk to him about it) and I told him I was going to call my dad, and my dad would prolly then kick him out. He got up and left then.

I thought he was going to work because he does not have money to get to his dads ($4 toll). I just called him now...he is at the hospital. We have no money, no insurance. Nothing.

This might sound heartless, but he is so full of it!!! WHY would you go to the hospital because your knee hurts?? Why would you not wait til morning and call the doctor. He would have NOT went to the ER if I would have not kicked him out.

He is being SO irresponsible and I am ready to have a nervous breakdown. We are suppose to be saving money to move out because my dad will not let us stay here to much monger (6-7 months) and he keeps calling out for stupid things.

I have ovarian cysts. A lot of them. The burst quiet often and its CRAZY pain. You better believe I would STILL go to work. I am happy to have a job because the way the economy is you are LUCKY to have a job.

I do not want to leave my DH. I love him. We have been together fr 6 years. I have known him my whole life. He is all I know and he does make me happy most of the time. (please no comments on how I should leave him, because I will not)

But I just don't know what I should do. Did I do the right thing? I am worried we are never going to get out of my dads with this stuff he is pulling.

I have worked 3rd shift, I know it stinks big time but I did it!!! Hated it, but did it to pay the bills.

What if DH and I had kids? Would he still be doing this??

I am just so upset right now and need some support.

My DH is a good man. He treats me good, and is going to be a good father one day and really does love me...but this is hurting me.

**madhen** · 12-02-2009, 01:25 AM

Would it help at all to set a financial goal with DH? Kind of a "we need to buckle down until we accomplish "x"" kind of a goal? And not something so far off that he can't get a mental grip on it.

I wouldn't even THINK about having kids until you are on your feet financially. If your DH is not to be trusted to hold down a job, and you are not willing to leave him, then you are basically stuck with accepting that you are and will be the breadwinner in the family. You probably ought to get complete control over the money, if you don't already, and he can only spend what HE earns on "goodies." If that means he scrounges around for part-time jobs, so be it.

**AnW819** · 12-02-2009, 01:30 AM

Originally Posted by madhen

Would it help at all to set a financial goal with DH? Kind of a "we need to buckle down until we accomplish "x"" kind of a goal? And not something so far off that he can't get a mental grip on it.

I wouldn't even THINK about having kids until you are on your feet financially. If your DH is not to be trusted to hold down a job, and you are not willing to leave him, then you are basically stuck with accepting that you are and will be the breadwinner in the family. You probably ought to get complete control over the money, if you don't already, and he can only spend what HE earns on "goodies." If that means he scrounges around for part-time jobs, so be it.

Thank you for replying. We definitely have financial goals that are no so big. Right now we are trying to save $1000 EF. Then we will work on debt. I think this is definitely doable and I would think he would be able to get a mental grip on it. He seems to be on the same page with me to save money and such..but then he does this.

We are not thinking about kids right now. Definitely not. We are living with my dad as well so even if things with DH were fine I would still wait.

DH would never work more than 1 job. I know he wouldn't. I don't know if I could be the bread winner.

I do have tendencies to do the finances, but lately I have been trying to do it with him so we are both on the same page. Even when I am doing the finances myself, there was nothing left to save.

Sigh.

**Mom2-3** · 12-02-2009, 01:32 AM

I have no advice for ya, but hang in there. I was married very young and it is hard. It's worth it, but a lot of work

**AnW819** · 12-02-2009, 01:33 AM

Thanks very much

**Dixie** · 12-02-2009, 01:56 AM

Originally Posted by Mom2-3

I have no advice for ya, but hang in there. I was married very young and it is hard. It's worth it, but a lot of work

Me, too.

We've been married 32 years now, but things were definitely hard back in the early years.
I said a prayer for you.

**phoeny_moonstar** · 12-02-2009, 02:09 AM

I think you need to sit down with your DH and have a heart to heart conversation. You both need to get on the same page not only about finances but about life in general. Your H needs to grow up and realize that right now having a job is better than what a lot of people have. I would suggest marriage and indiv. counseling for both of you. It sounds like you too need to start working together instead of against each other. I hope everything works out for you.

**Libby** · 12-02-2009, 02:53 AM

Firstly, I'm not going to put him down directly but from what you've described, he's not 'being a man'. Is there something going on that you're unaware of? Why does he feel he can skip out on providing for himself and you and your future together? Did something in his past allow him to just 'up and leave' any situation? Has he never been made accountable for things? Is there an underlying issue?

Just a few of my thoughts and trying to help.
*hugs*

**Siebrie** · 12-02-2009, 04:55 AM

Oh hun, this sounds really difficult. He's acting like a little kid; just make sure you don't end up as his 'mum'. You're in this together, and I feel like he's testing his boundaries. Does your state have rules that the debt goes to the partner that contracted the debt? Or is any debt the couple's debt?

**joyofsix** · 12-02-2009, 08:46 AM

I'm just gonna tell you what I would do. I'd try to hang on but something has got to change or you'll be miserable your whole life. Would he do this if you had kids? Most likely. It sounds like he hasn't grown up. I'd try for a long, calm talk. If he's not willing to do that I'd try for counseling so you've got a referee. If he sees himself as the 'victim' and is unwilling to work on this you need to decide if this is what you're willing to live with for the rest of your life. You can't make him change, only he can do that. I'd squirrel away some money on my own and not have kids anytime soon.

**JenMarie** · 12-02-2009, 09:04 AM

Sounds like he has some immaturity issues. Was he spoiled as a child? My DH was spoiled by his mother and then his aunt after his mom died. He never had to do anything for himself and they would sacrifice to give him whatever he wanted. This has caused some real problems for us. We were married young too, but we are still here and things are actually a lot better now. Luckily my DH has never had issues with holding a job, he has a great work ethic and is very responsible. I think your guy just needs to grow up and realize that life is not always fun, sometimes you have to do things you really hate because they need to be done. good luck!

**jamie79** · 12-02-2009, 09:23 AM

I am sorry that you have to deal with this. I can only speak for myself but I would not be married to a man who couldnt hold a job

**Mummy2** · 12-02-2009, 09:23 AM

I have the same kind of Dh! We went thru half a dozen jobs with im in the first 2 years.

I finally clued in to have him go see a doctor about anxiety and depression. He was depressed and got help. Now he is much better, not perfect but better and working on it.

Chin up! Love comes in many forms and is not always easy.

Big Bugs!!!

**Josephhgoins** · 12-02-2009, 09:26 AM

I got to ask, is this a new personality trait or one that has been present since day one. If it's new maybe he is going through a depression? If it isn't, maybe this is just who he is.

My Step-Father is this kind of man. My mother had to make a decision early on to either live with money but without him or with him and without money. 25+ years later he is still my step father. She worked 2 jobs most of her adult life and paid all of the household bills herself (including the mortgage). It has not been an easy life, but she has been happy.

I started my first job at 12 mowing yards to pay for my school clothes, supplies and what not. At 14 I got a 40 hour a week job in a factory to help buy groceries.

I always credit my Step-dad for being a great example. He always showed us exactly what not to do.

I think you have to decide just how much you love him. Is he worth all this aggravation and extra hard work on your part? If so, you need to learn to deal with it, because he probably can’t change.

P.S. you’re in my prayers as well.