My husband seems to be very unhappy with his life...
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  1. #1

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    Default My husband seems to be very unhappy with his life...

    I don't even know where to begin.

    I know he is frustrated and scared about our financial situation. I am, too. That's why we agreed to radically curb our monthly spending in many areas so we can save a great deal more money and pay off our debts.

    But EVERY DAY I hear snide and sarcastic comments about how broke HE is because of the kids and me, and the only interest he has taken in the baby I'm pregnant with is how much more broke HE will be because of her. Actually, he's pissed that she's already costing him money, because we pay the midwife out of pocket and then get reimbursed by our insurance company after the birth.

    And he's pissed that when he got back from sea 9 months ago, my old Volvo died so he wasn't able to get his brand new diesel truck and "had to" buy me a 2009 VW. A car I didn't ask for, by the way... I told him I'd be happy with a VERY used mini van for far less money if he wanted to get me a car. But he went out one day without me and bought a new car, anyway. And now he resents ME for it. I love the car; its fun to drive, and I thanked him over and over for it because it was fun for me to have a shiny new car for the first time. Still, he's all pouty about not having his own shiny new vehicle.

    So, yeah, the kids and I are why he is broke. But today, when I logged on to our USAA account look at how the savings were coming along (we've been putting $500 in there each month for at least 6 months), there was a balance of only $250 from the deposit made on the first of December. I only viewed the transactions from the month of November, but it looks like the majority of the money is going to the liquor stores and convenience stores on base, where he buys his liquor, beer, soda and weekend snacks (because I don't think expensive potato chips, alcohol, and soda, which the rest of us don't eat, should come out of the grocery money). I have always known he drinks a lot, but I didn't know it was hundreds of dollars worth every month!

    We just bought and moved into a 30yo house that we're supposed to be remodeling with that $500 that he's been spending... and he gets so cranky about not having the money to put a new roof on the house (DESPERATELY needed) or replace the nasty carpet or re-tile the bathrooms and kitchen, again blaming ME because of my $20,000 in student loans, my midwife, the $21,000 car he bought for me, the fact that I need some maternity clothes, etc. ...

    I hear so much blame placed on myself and the kids, but I don't know what else to cut from my spending. The kids and I get clothes from Goodwill or for free from friends and family, I spend $100 or less a week on healthy groceries and make dinner every night and bake our own bread and use vinegar or baking soda for cleaning instead of cleaning products. I gave up my iPhone and the monthly charges for the "privilege" of using an iPhone. I go to the library instead of the bookstore. I buy used sweaters at Goodwill and recycle the yarn instead of buying new yarn to knit with. I cut my "fun money" - the money I can spend on whatever I want - down to $50 a month from $100 a month (his is still $100, and I'm pretty sure that's going toward alcohol, too).

    I am sinking into a depression here. I don't know how to approach this. I think he is genuinely depressed and that he needs to quit drinking, but I have watched other people close to me try to deal with alcoholics, and I know I can't make him seek help or change if he doesn't want to.

    I want to help him. I want to work together. I don't want our kids to grow up feeling like their father regrets that they exist. I just don't know where to begin.

    Thanks for listening.

  2. #2
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    Sounds like you need to get to some Al-anon meetings and learn how to live with an alcoholic. Love him, pray for him, and do not nag. The financial pressures may be his wake up call eventually. You and the kids are not the problem.

    Hugs,
    Becky

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    Registered User Greebo's Avatar
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    I'm going to assume you aren't currently working?

    You're getting an awful lot of blame transference here. He's drinking and pissing away your savings, but blaming you for it?

    I may be wrong here but what I'm hearing is a guy who's wrecking his own life with booze, dragging you and the kids down with him, and making YOU feel responsible for it.

    I'm not liking this very much - not the situation - not him.

    Are you active with the local Navy Wives association? They may be able to offer some advice/help immediately, and be more experienced with this kind of situation.

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    First let me say I'm sorry your going thru all this stress.
    Then i have to tell you that DH doesn't sound like he is taking responsibility for his actions.
    -you didn't get yourself preg. and I assume it's his since you didn't say otherwise.It sounds like he thinks you "did" this to him by becoming preg. It's science not magic.

    -He is an alcoholic. If you cut be until the end of time he will drink it. He needs counceling.
    -you need to start a fund to keep some money away from him.
    -stop accepting his blame. He is manipulating you w/it.
    -Have you approached him about the money. Do it carefully.

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    jas
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    Off the bat there is a lot that comes to mind to say about your dh, but I won't right now. I am sure you could fill in the blanks.

    Know for a fact your dh's thinking is off for what ever reason. A wife and children should be a blessing to a man, you seem to be doing anything you can to lessen the burden financially. You did not ask for this new car. Not saying you didn't need one, but maybe there was something that would have been a better fit for the both of you.

    Doing all you can to be wise with your resources is a wonderful thing and your dh should praise you for it. Manye women these days don't give a darn and just spend on conveniences that are needless and a waste of money.

    You need some tender care being pregnant and dh is not stepping up for you, just adding more stress is what it sounds like. Hugs to you and your little ones.

    Keep us posted.

    My ex-husband is a recovering alcholic, we divorced before he got real bad. His second wife and him both have the same problem and it has brought nothing but heartache. They are in the process of divorcing now. He has custody of thier two children and she is way worse off than him.

    God bless,

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    There really isn't an organized wive's group here since he's on shore duty now instead of a boat, and ever if there were I'd be really worried about the rumor mill. I have not had good experiences with wive's groups and confidentiality in the past, unfortunately.

    I will definitely start looking into Al Anon meetings, for myself at the very least. I have been thinking about talking to my dad about this, because his father was an alcoholic and he's very good at communicating with people who have addiction problems. I figure he could give me some pointers, but at the same time I don't want to drag my father into my messy marriage.

    His own mother has said things to him about how much he drinks, because he doesn't hide it from his parents like he does from mine, but he just ignores her.

    Oh, and no, I'm not working currently. I'm saving nickels and dimes to be able to own my own photography studio in the future, but that is likely years away!

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    First thing I'd do is get over "not knowing how to approach this". You know how, you just have to do it for your childrens sake.

    Are you afraid of what he will do? What do you think he will do?

    First thing I would do is ask him where all the money went that was in savings.

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    You might also consider requesting a meeting with the base commander or ... oh isn't there a person assigned to liason with the spouses? - that person - to see if the Navy can offer any assistance for you with regards to getting counseling for you and him, etc.

    I'm 100% certain your situation is hardly unique among Navy wives. I was Navy myself

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    Quote Originally Posted by Greebo View Post
    You might also consider requesting a meeting with the base commander or ... oh isn't there a person assigned to liason with the spouses? - that person - to see if the Navy can offer any assistance for you with regards to getting counseling for you and him, etc.
    Yep, go to his commander (or whoever) My dad was in the military and the commanders were often called on in siutations like this. If you start questioning him he will probably just get angry and things will get worse.

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    I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. Like others have said you are not the problem and how awful that he is blaming you. I also agree you need to go to alcoholics anonymous. If he won't go for help you need to. AND it sure isn't good that he is making you feel depressed while pregnant. Hugs to you

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    MHO, since going thru this the last 2 months, with not nearly the problems you are having:

    Contact commanding officer and let him mediate with your dh. If in fear of your and/or children's safety, do it IMMEDIATELY before confronting your dh.

    Separate your bank accounts ... have a savings for YOU that money goes into so he cannot access it.

    Then separate from HIM and let him assume his own responcibilty until he gets wise.

    {{{hugs to you}}}

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    McD
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    http://www.militaryonesource.com/hom...ch=&Component=

    This website is open for all military members and military families. It offers a lot of valuable advice as well as provides links to local resources for counseling of many kinds.

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    Assuming you have Tricare, you will be able to get counseling at no cost through them. You can look at mytricare.com for more information.

    I'm sorry you are going through this. There are resources out there that can help since it is an all-to-common problem in the military.

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    I also suggest Al Anon. You will find so much support there. And they will not mind if you have to bring your kids. They will give you the tools you need to take care of yourself while living with an alcoholic. My heart goes out to you. Take care and keep us updated - we worry

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    You have gotten GREAT advice here.

    WTG Greebo on the great advice.........

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