Am I losing my mind?
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  1. #1
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    Default Am I losing my mind?

    My mom and DH both say I remember things wrong. They are not talking about the same things but just that it is 2 of them has me a little worried.

    I was 18 (I admit a follower to a point) and my mom told me I was a b**tch and would never find anyone who loved me as much as EX (we were not married yet). She said those things because I decided I didn't want to get married. On my wedding day she kept telling me I didn't have to if I didn't want to but by then everything was paid for and everyone was there. Now she says that none of that happened. Current DH has said that several things I remember didn't happen or not like I remember it. He said I told him he could buy THE truck. I said when he could pay cash for it he could get it. I wanted to get out property surveyed and he said no one could do it for 2 yrs and it would cost a lot. Okay, he made the calls so I took his word for it. Now he is saying he didn't say that. And a lot of other things on DH's side not my mom. My sister says I remember things differently than her about our childhood but that is somewhat expected I would think. Other than that I don't seem to have problems with my memory. Well, I do tend to forget where I kick off my shoes but I know about where to look.

    Am I losing my mind? Should I go to a DR?

  2. #2
    Moderator aka AmyBob AmyBoz's Avatar
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    Uh, no.

    When people are talking about the past, they always remember it in the way that works out best for them. My guess is that both conversations happened a little differently than you both remember them. Somewhere in the middle.

    We call it revisionist history.

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    Registered User madhen's Avatar
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    No, I think you just suffer from a condition called being human.

    I have memories like that with my family, where I am POSITIVE that something happened a certain way, and one or all of them remember it differently.

    In all likelihood, neither you, your mother, nor your DH remembers it exactly, and the truth of it lies somewhere in the middle.

    Reminds me of a movie that I saw once with Robin Williams where people had chips implanted at birth that recorded everything they saw. In one scene, at the funeral, family members came up to Williams (whose job it was to select certain memories for the "rememory" viewing) and asked questions about whether he edited the film, because they could have SWORN that the boat was blue, the weather was cloudy that day, etc.
    DH aka Mad Hen
    (http://mad-hen-creations.blogspot.com/)

    Every time you spend money, you're casting a vote for the kind of world you want. Anna Lappe

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    That makes me feel better. Now I just have to call him on it. These are very important financial issues and he always seems to do the exact opposite of what I think should be done and sometimes what I thought had been agreed to. He gives some kind of excuse like it will take 2yrs to get a surveyor out here. Then when we start having problems with the neighbors he can get one out here in a couple weeks. Well, we don't have the money right now and our relationship with the neighbors is already destroyed. I wanted cable cut off because we spend more time watching TV than with each other and we don't have the money right now. So he gets it cut off and gets dish. Uh, that wasn't what I agreed to. I begged him not to get THE truck until he could pay cash for it. I finally broke down and asked him to at least wait until the hospital bills were paid. He bought the truck anyway and then said I said he could get it. He agreed to work a 2nd job to make the truck payment and then said I said he only had to work the 2nd job to make up the difference between the new truck payment and the old payment of the just paid off (the week he traded it) truck. Then he intentionally got himself fired from the 2nd job and almost got thrown in jail in the process. He is always threatening to quit his job but spends money like it grows on trees. He gets more blow money than our house payment and spends more than that sometimes, saying I agreed to it. I don't get any blow money and at times have done without lunch because I had no money and no left overs. Personally I have thought he was full of Sh*t because I am a nerd but after years of constantly telling me I don't remember right I was starting to get worried. I have an aunt that had early onset alzimers (sp?). The only thing that kept me from just agreeing with him is that I only seem to forget where finances are concerned. I don't think alzimers (sp?) is that picky.

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    Registered User monkeywrangler71's Avatar
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    You two should start making written contracts with each other. Write out the budget, write out the goals, and write out the sacrifices that you both agree to make so that you can acheive them. Then post it on the fridge.

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    My dad had a saying...

    "A piece of paper has a better memory than you."

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    I have the budget. Had one for 6yrs then DC#3 came along and DH did what he wanted anyway so I quit for 2yrs. Now I have had a budget since Aug '09. DH still goes over on blow money but not as bad and he has made 1 big purchase without telling me (that we will be paying on until Aug '10 but months not yrs like before). I have been told to only give him the agreed on amount in cash but that doesn't work. He works beside the bank and trust me, the tellers know him. I keep hoping it will get better and it has some.

    I know most of it is a communication issue but I don't know how to make that better. I say one thing he hears another and he expects me to read between the lines. I say "I love German Sheppards but I don't want another dog right now." He hears I love German Sheppards. I got one for our last ann. Yes, something else to clean up after and feed and walk and etc. He says, "I saw this cool truck at new to you car lot." I say "yea" (as in "you did"). He is saying I want to go buy that truck and he hears yes, you can get it. I say "you have to get a 2nd job to pay for it" and he hears you have to work a 2nd job to pay the difference between the old payment (which was 0 at that point but he doesn't even take that into consideration) and the new one and you don't have to work a 2nd job if you get fired from the 2nd job you get.

    I am about ready to just give up.

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    Registered User krbshappy71's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by monkeywrangler71 View Post
    You two should start making written contracts with each other. Write out the budget, write out the goals, and write out the sacrifices that you both agree to make so that you can acheive them. Then post it on the fridge.
    All the more reason to do this and stick to it. No side conversations and agreements. If its not in writing it doesn't happen.

    Personally I think you are being manipulated but I wasn't the fly on the wall in the room.

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    I think krbshappy hit the nail on the head. There's 'selective hearing' and then there's manipulation. IMO he's manipulating you big time.

    Might be time for some counseling if you two talk about it and things don't get better. If he won't go, go by yourself.

    I'm really sorry, I hope things get better for you and your family.

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    Registered User cab54's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AmyBoz View Post
    Uh, no.

    When people are talking about the past, they always remember it in the way that works out best for them. My guess is that both conversations happened a little differently than you both remember them. Somewhere in the middle.

    We call it revisionist history.
    I agree with this. I also think that when people do or say something that's kind of 'bad' or 'not acceptable' or they regret it......they recreate it in their mind to make themselves look/seem better. Your DH and Mom, for instance.

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    Moderator mauimagic's Avatar
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    I'm glad that you brought this up - as the posts evolved, it does seem that other issues have evolved and are involved. Please start at the beginning and reread the posts - see what you think.

    I personally agree with everything that has been posted. coming down to control issues IMHO!! Please keep in touch - my money is on you!!

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    I wanted to make sure it wasn't just me before I considered anything drastic. I may have to try the trial separation and move in with my mom.

    I can't afford the monthly bills after he takes his share out, much less counseling. Everyone recommends it but no one can tell me how to get it. We make too much for the community services thing. I tried talking to my Sunday school teacher, she had mentioned that she wanted to be a mentor, but her DH was great and provided for them. He sent their DC to private school and the 2 of them just getaway sometimes. That was about where I shut down in the conversation. Of course I had started the conversation out kind of vague so she only knew it had to do with DH. I like the pastor's preaching but he is not someone I can go talk to. I personally cannot stand his wife. It is a personality thing not that she is a bad person. I learned with my X that you do not go to family. I called focus on the family back when I was married to X and that didn't work out. They may be better now but I haven't called back. I have a good friend at work that I can talk to about just about anything but he is a guy and we both feel that could open Pandora’s box.

    I guess I need to just tell him flat out; all we have are the DC and [email protected] Those will not sustain a marriage. If we don't do something now we will end up staying together and hating it or one of us will leave.

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    Quote Originally Posted by ansley View Post
    . I have a good friend at work that I can talk to about just about anything but he is a guy and we both feel that could open Pandora’s box.

    I haven't got much advice for you, but I have a few female friends that I talk to and my wife has male friends at work that she talks to. All you are doing is talking, you're not having sex and I think any mature relationship could handle that.

    Best of luck, whatever you decide you must do.

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    He is having some problems too. Don't want to invite any temptation on either side. KWIM. We can talk books, movies, music, DC, food, etc but stay away from more intimate issues.

    I do have another guy friend I could talk to but he would just say leave and move to the city. He thinks city life is the solution to everything. I need to call him anyway.

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    I know what you mean. Don't forget, you have many people on FV to talk to and you can just send a PM if you want it kept private.

    as for the memory thing... whats done is done, learn from your (perceived by them) mistakes and don't make them again.
    Just so you are 100% certain, make a journal like an online blog of conversations you have with the DH and put a date on every one of them. He can't argue it as much.

    It's time for him to man up to some responsibilities with the budget as well. Let him have some input and ask him "what should we do?" Don't let him leave until you have an answer written down.

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