Problems with DH.
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  1. #1
    Registered User AnW819's Avatar
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    Default Problems with DH.

    Sigh. I just can't take it anymore. I really don't even want to be with DH anymore and he does something everyday to remind me of this. Its been 7 years. We have been having problems for 5. Yeah most of the stuff is small, but it adds up. I am Christian and I REALLY do not believe divorce is right (for me) and thats what has kept me here. I always believe there is a way to work it out and get through it, but I have been trying for 5 years and its getting worse and worse.

    Today what really set me off is, I drink once a year (unless we go to the casinos which is rare I will have a few free drinks) and the once a year is on my birthday. Last year we went to my first bar, and I have to admit I got pretty drunk. DH proceeds to tell me I am an alcoholic and makes me feel really bad every year on my birthday when I drink. It causes a fight and makes me really upset. Now, I am not a sloppy drunk. I laugh a lot, and never throw up or anything like that so its not like DH Is taking care of me.

    Well, we were at the laundry mat and some how it came up that I am going to drink this year at my birthday party. He said you better not get wasted. I said why? I would like to drink, its my birthday. I got pretty upset because I can just see it now, him calling me an alcoholic and stuff. I said yes, I am going to drink and we got in a fight. He turned it around on me after I got upset saying that he was trying to say I should wait til later in the night to get drunk. Yeah, right. That is NOT what he was trying to say.

    Reason he does not want me to drink he says is because he does not feel like cleaning up the party when its over. I said it cannot just wait til the morning? Instead I have to worry about cleaning all night? With my OCD this is just going to be a HUGE trigger for me. I would like to just relax for once!!!!

    So we got in a huge fight, and he kept saying its done its over with just drop it, but ya know what? I did not want to drop it because I was upset about it. He proceeds to tell me that its stupid I get upset about something like that and I need mental help. That triggers me to get really mad when he says stuff like that. I just feel like he is pushing me and pushing me so I hit him with my purse.

    I have anger issues but ONLY to Wayne. No one else do I ever get that mad at. I scream for him to take me home (because we were suppose to go get dinner and play free poker @ Applebees) and he says no so I scream some more and he finally does. I lock him out of the bedroom and he bangs and bangs and screams and screams and he finally just left.

    I can't take it anymore. I feel he is verbally abusive to me. The romance and affection is completely gone and its been years. He is in his 20's. How do you not want to be affectionate with your wife?!

    There are just SO many things. So many. I can't even think about them all because I am still heated about this one, but its been on going really bad fights for the past week to the point where I e-mailed him a few days ago.

    Wayne is not working yet I was working and still am so much I do not get much sleep. You think he would help with the house. Nope. Unless we get in a huge fight about it then he will like vacuum or something.

    Think he cooks dinner for me if I do not have time to because I have to get ever last second of sleep I can? Nope. Instead we have to run out and get fast food and then he complains about money.

    Where is the help? I have been begging and pleading for it and I do not get any.

    The lazy-ness is just getting worse and worse as the years go on.

    I gave him my wedding ring back today. I am not sure if I want it back. I can't be with a man who does not want to hold me or be affectionate or intimate and who blames me for all our problems and calls me an alcoholic and tells me I am physco and crazy and stuff. Its a toxic marriage.

    I just need some hugs I do not have any outside friends I can really talk to but my sister in law because I Just had to end the only friendship I had yesterday because that was also a really toxic relationship.

    I feel like I am holding on to Wayne because I am scared to be on my own, and I feel like Wayne is still here because he has no where else to go. And he has said that before, when we get in fights and I tell him to leave and stuff he says Where Ash? I Have no where to go. He won't admit to it though, but I Just know.

  2. #2
    Registered User Momto5RN's Avatar
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    i am sorry for what you are going through .

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    Registered User ilovechocolate's Avatar
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    You need counseling. You need someone objective who can listen to you and help you sort out your feelings and options. I speak from experience, and finding a good counselor and getting on meds for depression was one of the best things that ever happened to me, even though the event that led me to it was horrible.

    Do you have a church home? If so, is there someone on staff who can counsel you and your husband? If he won't go, then go by yourself.

    Or see if there are any local churches with counseling services.

    Or check your United Way agency and see if there are some sliding pay scale places for counseling.

    Or if you live in a college/university town, check with them about counseling services.

    AND check with your physician about what he/she may recommend. You may need a checkup to make sure you are as healthy as you should be, that you're not sleep-deprived, etc. You may need medication while you are going through all this.

    Please, do these things!!!!!!

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    Registered User MrsOptimistic's Avatar
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    I'm very sorry.

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    Registered User AnW819's Avatar
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    Thanks I don't have health insurance so counseling is out of the question and as far as church goes, I am Christian and just joined a church last week. Well, I went last week. Wayne went just because I made him go with me, but he is not into it.

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    Ashley, are you eating properly and taking care of yourself? I ask because I have been watching what I eat and notice that when I go too long between meals, I get more angry.
    Your emotions and moods are, I believe, directly related to your health and well being.

    Now I'm not condoning what Wayne did, but as 2 adults you need to talk and he needs to take what you say seriously and you CAN NOT discount how he feels, even if it hurts your feelings. They are just his feelings the same as you feel.

    As for cleaning the house...
    Have you told him your expectations? Did he agree to them or do you just expect him to know what to do?

    Food- same thing, did you tell him your expectations? As for him complaining about the $$$... tell him, do something about it if you don't like it.

    Go talk to your priest. One week does not make you a member or a an outcast. You can still talk to him.

    A marriage is HARD work, VERY hard work.
    Stop and talk with him. No yelling. Only talking. Same rules should apply to him.

    I hope you can work things out.

  8. #7
    Registered User PinkTulip's Avatar
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    Just an FYI, there are typically counseling centers that offer therapy (and often couples counseling) on a rolling fee basis. They will look at what your income is and allow you to pay what you can.

    I suggest calling 311 for help or "googling" counseling centers in your area.

    Pastors will also provide support for you.

    Oh, someone already suggested this

  9. #8
    Registered User NikoSan999's Avatar
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    Ashley, just one word of advice from me...NEVER do anything important, rash or life altering when you're mad. 9 times out of 10 you end up paying stupid tax one way or another...may be emotional stupid tax but stupid tax just the same.
    Bank of America is THE godfather of Hell with Wells Fargo running neck and neck. When the world ends the only things that will be left are cockroaches, Walmart, Wells Fargo and Bank of America. Not necessarily in that order. The order remains to be seen.

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    Registered User krbshappy71's Avatar
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    Sorry you are going through this.

    I just feel like he is pushing me and pushing me so I hit him with my purse.
    You said he was pushing you and pushing you so you hit him with your purse. He was physically pushing you? Or emotionally and so you took it to a physical level? This is not good, it can escalate very quickly once it crosses that line.

    Be the person who gets help, you can't control him but you can control yourself and take care of yourself. Personally, drinking an alcoholic beverage would not be worth fighting about. I like to drink, I do drink, but my current bf does not and isn't thrilled when people do, so I don't. Its so minor to me that I cannot imagine having a fight about it with someone I loved. I suspect this is about more than that drink on your birthday, how about dropping that issue and trying to make things better for the marriage. Use the money for the alcohol for counseling instead. For you. Not him if he wont go. You can only help you.

    Hugs, I do care, I do hope this doesn't come across as harsh, I'm just really concerned that it has turned physical, regardless of who starts it, it needs to stop.

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    Registered User Libby's Avatar
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    Is he upset at something in his life he's not sharing? Usually people lash out at the ones they love when somethings going on in their life causing them stress. He downloads it onto you OR picks a fight instead of dealing with the issue at hand. He also downloads it onto you b/c you are there for him or supposed to be. You are after all, his wife.

    Perhaps the stress of him not having a job to provide financial support is really getting to him and he doesn't want to discuss it with you b/c you're running around with 12 jobs trying to make ends meet. Does he feel inferior b/c you're the breadwinner now?

    I agree with Niko re doing anything rash or on the spur of the moment. All actions have consequences....be sure you know of most if not all that are associated with your actions before you're struck with the 'stupid tax'

    You can work on yourself but you can't force others to change. YOU can get through this.

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    Russ gave some good advice and I hope it helps you.

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    I would try to get some counseling/help just for you, Ashley. This has gone on for a long time. I hope I don't get stoned for saying this...but divorce might not be a bad thing....or a separation. You sure ain't happy now and it seems you have no future with him and nothing changes. Life is too short to live like this. It doesn't seem like anything has ever changed with you guys and you still struggle with the same issues.

    And I doubt it is the drinking on your birthday that he is angry about. Obviously it's way deeper issues than that. I'm sure both of you are very hurt and that is why all the anger. There is only so much talking that can be done...

    You need to make some serious decisions and some very deep thinking. Good luck and a hug to you.

  14. #13
    Registered User greekislandgirl's Avatar
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    I'm sorry you're going through this

    If you no longer love him (?) then separation/divorce are reasonable. However, being angry at someone is NOT the same as not loving them anymore. It's really important to sort out WHY you're angry, and whether you think the relationship is able to be saved, and finally if you think it should be saved.

    I agree with counseling in principle, but I also know it's not always possible, usually for financial reasons. Heck, where I live, for example, getting counseling would mean having to pay for ferry tickets and a hotel room every time I wanted to go. So I do not think that counseling can be the ONLY solution, ever.

    Clergy sometimes can provide free counseling but I noticed something in your earlier post:

    I am Christian and just joined a church last week. Well, I went last week. Wayne went just because I made him go with me, but he is not into it.
    Please forgive me if this comes across too harshly:

    If someone made me go to church (or even just pressured me to do so) and I wasn't into it, I would be furious. I don't know what kind of past you guys have in this area, but religion and other deep philosophical beliefs (which can and do change throughout life and cannot be expected to always be the same) are to be respected in other people. Personally I am not "into" going to church (I go to them often for work reasons but not for personal/worship reasons), and if someone pressured / guilted / forced me into going to one, I would be terribly angry, frustrated, and resentful. This can damage a relationship. GO to church yourself, by all means, and take advantage of counseling that they might offer, but that will need to be for YOU alone.

    Also, about hitting him with your purse: were you under the influence of alcohol when that happened? You said that you KNEW there would be an argument about drinking on your birthday - presumably because it has happened in the past.

    My guess is that your husband's problem is not with actual alcohol consumption but with the "person it turns you into" - which, judging by what you're saying, sounds like "someone who argues, fights, and gets physical." You say you're a happy drunk, not throwing up and stuff - but what about the arguing and fighting?

    Reason he does not want me to drink he says is because he does not feel like cleaning up the party when its over.
    This is probably not really true. More likely, he was looking for a less-confrontational way to say "I don't want you to drink, for reasons that, if I say them out loud, will make this argument worse." At least, that would be the case for most people.

    So we got in a huge fight, and he kept saying its done its over with just drop it, but ya know what? I did not want to drop it because I was upset about it. He proceeds to tell me that its stupid I get upset about something like that and I need mental help.
    This sounds SUPER familiar. As in, it's happened to me before. If I get upset about something, I like to thrash it out completely. My husband prefers the "the conversation is over" tactic. Once (not that long ago), I got the mental help line too. Admittedly it was much more gentle ("when we're living someplace that has one, I think it would be good for you to start seeing a psychologist again. I'll come with you.") I was screaming at him for something trivial, that's what prompted that. I have anger issues and I tend to get really really REALLY upset over things that are not that big of a deal, taken in the grand scheme of life. I may do it get attention but I think most of the time I just get really ANGRY for reasons I can't explain or control. My husband's suggestion about mental help, I believe in my heart, was meant in the same way that most people in this thread have suggested counseling for you - it's not an accusation of 'crazy' it's just a reasonable suggestion to help you - but when it comes out of an angry / upset husband's mouth, it's easy to take it as an insult, I get that. I'm not trying to defend him if he was being a jerk, but I do know from experience that when I'm angry, anything the other person does makes me think they're being a jerk, even if they're really not.

    It's so easy to get really upset and angry when we're overworked, stressed about jobs, not getting paid enough, not getting enough sleep, and feeling unloved and unhelped. However, anger is NOT the same as not loving someone. Take time to calm down and really really try to look at situations (new ones, not necessarily this one) from your husband's perspective. If, upon doing so, you just don't see it working, separation/divorce to save your sanity are options. But I do think counseling first would be the way to go.

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    I am sorry that you are going through this! How difficult. I think a trial seperation may be good for the two of you. I know he says that he has nowhere to go, but maybe it's time for him to start looking for a friend or relative that he can stay with until he finds work. You two can start "dating" and work on your relationship.

    Good luck, Ashley. Also, I know you are against divorce, but if you have truly (and only you know what's in your heart) done everything in your power to save your marriage, then maybe it's worth considering. You can't change him. And you deserve happiness. You are too young to be stuck in a loveless marriage with no intimacy!

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    Registered User The Muse's Avatar
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    I'm sorry you're going through this.

    I know you're against divorce, but if you can't save it, there's nothing noble in being a marriage martyr just for the sake of staying married.

    I never in a million years thought I'd be divorced, but last year, I realized that I was wasting my life. The intimacy was gone and we were living as roomates instead of husband and wife. I tried many times to restart it, but it just could not be saved. He was a good guy and we're still very good friends, but we are just not meant to be life partners. I struggled with my decision to end a 9 year marriage and go out on my own, but I'm now a better, happier person because of it.

    Do not let fear stop you from being on your own, if it's what you really want. It will be scary, but it will also be OK. I don't have much in the way of family, just a sister I barely see, so he was my entire life. But somehow, I dug deep and found the strength and courage to move to a new country and start a whole new life. Sometimes I freak out about being in a new country completely alone, but mostly it's exciting.

    Wishing you strength...

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