Heartbroken

**Dancing Lotus** · 09-02-2010, 03:27 AM

It's 1:56 am and I can not sleep. For the first time in 16 yrs I went to bed without saying I love you to my husband. My marriage is in trouble.

He told me he had something to tell me. He wanted to clear the air.
1. He has lied about where he has really been.
2. He has lied about who he was really with.
3. He has been hiding money in an online savings account.

First things first, this is not about another woman. This is about a breakdown in our relationship. I don't know what happened but somehow we started to drifted. Both of us becoming new people and finding it harder to find things in common.
I think he got tired of always being at home and never having the money to go out. So he just started going out without me.
At first I was ok with it but then he started going out more often and I noticed I was home alone with the kids every weekend. I started to resent his going out and resisting it. And that's when we both started to get snippy with each other.

I have no idea what to do now. On one hand he told me everything including things he didn't not have to and on the other I have no idea who he is.

All of this deception is completely against his character and has ripped everything I thought I knew right out from under my feet. Now I'm just angry at everything I have given up for him. All the years that I supported him while he got his education and pursued interests. I feel like the village idiot. I put too much faith in one man and now that he has let me down I don't know how I can ever took at him the same way again.

I hate to say it, but there is no such thing as a Fairly tale life. Prince Charming does not really exist.

I feel like something was stolen from me today.

**NikoSan999** · 09-02-2010, 08:18 AM

Is he talking about leaving you? I'm betting he's in his early to mid 40's. Hugs

**khaski** · 09-02-2010, 08:27 AM

I have no experience in this, only married 5 years, but I just wanted to say I so sorry you're going through this- what a shocker. I do not know what steps you think you'd like to take at this point, but maybe some marriage counseling, if you think this can be salvaged?

**Dancing Lotus** · 09-02-2010, 09:33 AM

he says he told me all of this because he wants to fix it. He wants to make things right if I want to.

**frugalwarrior2** · 09-02-2010, 10:02 AM

You have just been through a lot financially. Disappointments and stress have ripples called disillusionment. Some times people seperate and become caught in their own pain when they should pull together. He may have been acting out his shame. Men place so much emphasis in the the physical they provide.
Relationships do go through many stages too. I have been married 25 years. Some so much better than others. Sometimes you just have to put the kids w/ a babysitter and hash it out. Tell those things you been keeping to yourselves. Sentences like. I am disappointed w/ you because.. I thought this but I see it isn't true.. I wanted to apologise for making the assumption that.. I wasn't fully honest about.. I need you to explain why...

And if you can't do it nice. You need to go to a mediator. It comes down to am I in or am I out. Takes guts and heart to stay married. Believe me I have mentally divorced my DH many times. There were so many times I thought I couldn't be more disappointed but I was so wrong. Good luck w/ whatever you decide,marriage is hard sometimes. There have been years where all we had in common was each other.

**Russ** · 09-02-2010, 10:08 AM

Originally Posted by AnnK

I have no idea what to do now.

Do this ...

Originally Posted by frugalwarrior2

Relationships do go through many stages too. I have been married 25 years. Some so much better than others. Sometimes you just have to put the kids w/ a babysitter and hash it out. Tell those things you been keeping to yourselves. Sentences like. I am disappointed w/ you because.. I thought this but I see it isn't true.. I wanted to apologise for making the assumption that.. I wasn't fully honest about.. I need you to explain why...

And if you can't do it nice. You need to go to a mediator. It comes down to am I in or am I out. Takes guts and heart to stay married. Believe me I have mentally divorced my DH many times. There were so many times I thought I couldn't be more disappointed but I was so wrong. Good luck w/ whatever you decide,marriage is hard sometimes.

So sorry you are going through this Ann. But it does sound like he wants to work on it. So, the question is: Do you want to work on it?

**frugalfoster** · 09-02-2010, 10:20 AM

I've said it before...Marriage is a series of growing together and growing apart... ok...so this is where you are now...where do you go from here? The fact that he wants to clear the air says he wants to put it back together again. Alot of trust issues here...you can work through it but it's going to take alot of work. It all comes down to..... do you want to????

**McD** · 09-02-2010, 10:35 AM

Ann, First off take a deep breath. Cry when you need to. Scream when you need to. It doesn't make you weak. It relieves the pressure.

Start sorting things out. Is this something you could forgive him for? Is he willing to do what you need him to do in order to win your trust back? Is he worth the effort it would take to try to repair your marriage?

I wish you the very best of luck, whichever way you choose to go. Hugs, my friend.

**Booklover** · 09-02-2010, 12:07 PM

Oh Ann, I'm so sorry to hear this. I really like the advice that you have been given. If I have anything to add, it would be to please don't be hasty in making your decision. You need to time to process it all-you are still in shock. It's not just your emotional well-being, but physical well-being too, as stress can manifest itself in ways we would never think.

**nuisance26** · 09-02-2010, 12:30 PM

~I'm sorry Ann. I hope you're able to talk things through. ~

**VanVivCam** · 09-02-2010, 01:24 PM

I too am sorry...from reading your posts over the years, I think you are the type of person to be able to sort things out and come to a decision that is best for YOU. Marriage problems SUCK! We all go thru them! I am impressed that he told you these things and wants to work with you....that takes a big man that DOES care for you and your family.

Hugs, loves and prayers to you. Good luck! Please keep us posted and remember we are all here when you need to vent and get stuff off your chest.

Vanessa

**G'MaDebbie** · 09-02-2010, 01:27 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Greebo
Since we decided to marry, C's always made it clear to me that she wouldn't divorce me, she'd kill me first.

I have made that clear to my hubby too!

I am not posting this to rub it in your face, however I want you to think about how you viewed your husband when you posted this....He is still your husband, he has done things that you wouldn't do to him, and your feelings are extremely hurt...... but that doesn't mean he loves you any less, it means that your relationship is strained for one reason or another and he started doing things he normally wouldn't have. My guess is that his conscious (sp?) got to him because he does love you and wants to make things work, but he doesn't know how...not to mention he was being very selfish. I am not bashing him or sticking up for him, I am pointing out the situation as I see it.
I hope you can work this out.....good luck to you!

**Dancing Lotus** · 09-02-2010, 01:48 PM

I don't discount his bravery for opening up. It would have been much easier for him to not tell me some of those things. I don't deny my own responsibility for what's going on.
I can understand some of things he did but regardless I just can't imagine actually doing them.

Do I want to fix this, absolutely. I just don't know how I am going to be able to trust him. TRUST is major with me.

I did ask him if he was willing to do ANYTHING to fix this and he said yes. SO the first thing I did was ask him to cancel his plans for tonight.
I don't want to got all crazy and make a list of demands but that's what I have on my mind.
How much is too much to ask for?

**Russ** · 09-02-2010, 02:03 PM

Originally Posted by AnnK

How much is too much to ask for?

IMO... there is no such thing, right now. When things are better, re-evaluate the question.

**Ali Lee** · 09-02-2010, 03:52 PM

Lying about--where's he's been, been with, & secret acct.....hmmhmmm..... let's get real here. I'm not going to sugar coat...he's got a lover or thinking about getting one. Been there-done that. Get your house in order... write down his SSN, mortgage pmt record, any & all debts, copy W-2's, have your own credit card, cancel "our" credit cards. It's not time to get weepy-it's time to get smart. Any chance he could be doing drugs?