Ugh, marriage.
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    Registered User AnW819's Avatar
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    Default Ugh, marriage.

    Yeah, I know...this is I am sure the millionth post about how unhappy I am in my marriage. But, a few things happened the past week, and I need someone to cry to.

    Our marriage has been pretty bad for a while. Got married at 18 after being together for 4 1/2 years. Now we have been married for 3 1/2 years. 8 years together.

    Our problems have been the same for SO long. Main problem, is DH is not affectionate at all. No hugs, no kisses, no making me feel good about myself, no romance. Nothing. I am living with a roommate. Well, after years and years of telling DH how this literally makes me feel like im dying inside, nothing has changed.

    So, I started to notice I am becoming attracted and interested in other men. Ugh. After years of not affection and love and such, it really started to wear on me. So I start talking to this guy who found me on facebook. This guy, well call him A. I like him, he is cool. Just friends. Start to kinda get butterflys, ya know, because he is giving me attention. I feel really bad about it. I tell DH. DH makes me feel like a piece of crap. I never hung out with this guy, nothing, but I feel like I am emotionally cheating.

    So DH and I have it out, we are gonna work on things, he is gonna change. I stop talking to A. Two weeks later, our marriage, nothing has changed. I am tossing the D word around, and as much as I tried not to, I started talking to A again.

    Then an ex bf, that I actually broke up with wayne for right before we got married finds me on facebook. Now more feelings are coming back. I did not tell DH about this one.

    So, DH does not want to leave, and wants to work it out, and I have given up at this point. (I know to you guys it might not seem like I tried but please keep in mind, there is a lot more past to this story). I tell dad, I think we are going to divorce and its killing me because I am a Christian and I just DO NOT believe in divorce, but the feelings I am feeling are really just making me so depressed.

    Dad comes home and sits down with me and Wayne. Bacically tells Wayne to stop being stupid, says can't you open your eyes and see her balling her eyes out to you right now she is in so much pain??? Dad was nice about it but had to try to get him to realise. I mean, this talk with all 3 of us was awesome!!! I really thought wow, maybe wayne will get it now?? We talked that night, cuddled for the first time in who knows how long.

    Next morning, it was like it never happened. And I am still talking to these guys, I am still hating wayne for making me feel like this, and I just have no idea what I am suppose to do here. Obviously, stop talking to these guys, but, its really not that easy.

    I leave Wayne, dad kicks me out because bride is gonna move it, I have no where to go, no car, no money, I have nothing. I feel stuck.

    I know I am being stupid, but I am hurting so bad inside. I mean, to have no affection from the person you love for 7 years really hurts. I mean, I know I have to give Wayne a chance to change like dad said, but isnt 7 years enough time to change???? And even after that talk, how hard is it for the text day to hug me, kiss me, make me feel good about myself?? I mean, I just don't see how something like that is an effort? How that takes time??? And even when Wayne did it that night, I just feel like it was so fake. Like he knew he HAD to do it.

    I just can't take it anymore.

  2. #2
    Registered User pollypurebred39's Avatar
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    Sounds to me like he does not believe you can or will divorce him, so why change? If he thought for a minute that you really could back up what you were saying then I'm betting his attitude would change.

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    Registered User Luckybustert's Avatar
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    There's an old saying that behind every beautiful woman is a man who is tired of putting up with her crap....and the same thing is true for men, there's a woman somewhere who's tired of putting up with his crap too. NO ONE is perfect....and romanticizing the idea of how things will be so much better with some other guy is very dangerous. You could be trading one flaw in your relationship, for a much bigger flaw in another relationship...you just don't know until you live with someone, so be very very careful when you think it would be better with one of these other guys....it may be, but then it again it could also be worse.

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    Registered User AnW819's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by pollypurebred39 View Post
    Sounds to me like he does not believe you can or will divorce him, so why change? If he thought for a minute that you really could back up what you were saying then I'm betting his attitude would change.
    I very much agree with this

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    Registered User AnW819's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Luckybustert View Post
    There's an old saying that behind every beautiful woman is a man who is tired of putting up with her crap....and the same thing is true for men, there's a woman somewhere who's tired of putting up with his crap too. NO ONE is perfect....and romanticizing the idea of how things will be so much better with some other guy is very dangerous. You could be trading one flaw in your relationship, for a much bigger flaw in another relationship...you just don't know until you live with someone, so be very very careful when you think it would be better with one of these other guys....it may be, but then it again it could also be worse.
    I very much agree with this also. Me being single and having to date again could really hurt me big time to. But im 22. No affection or anything ALREADY?? I mean, thats a bigger deal than him being mean to me, or something of that nature. This is really something terribly painful. Sigh.

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    I know you have tried and rather you believe in divorce or not is moot at this point. You can keep crying out, living a miserable life, thinking things will change, and all the talks...Or you could take hold of your feelings like guilt and make a better life for yourself. It's pretty simple.

    You guys have already been divorced in your hearts for so long, so why does signing a legal gov't paper seem so bad?

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    Registered User Luckybustert's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AnW819 View Post
    I very much agree with this also. Me being single and having to date again could really hurt me big time to. But im 22. No affection or anything ALREADY?? I mean, thats a bigger deal than him being mean to me, or something of that nature. This is really something terribly painful. Sigh.
    What's going on with him? Is it possible he's depressed, having some medical concerns, not getting enough sleep, problems on the job, etc. etc. etc.....any number of things can affect intimacy. Money issues, for example, are a huge culprit in that area. As are fights, arguments, etc. Affection does not fluorish in that environment. And quite honestly, if my partner were throwing the D word around and talking about their interest in others it wouldn't exactly endear them to me...I'd be more likely thinking it'd be a cold day in a hot spot before I warmed up to them, kwim?

    Anyway, the bottom line is it takes two to make or break a relationship....what are each of you doing that is contributing to this problem? What can each of you do to help make things better? Marriage is learning, growing, and working together to build and share a life.

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    Registered User pollypurebred39's Avatar
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    So if he's not going to change Ashley that leaves the ball in your court. What can you do to become an independent person? Someone that your husband respects and wants to keep in his life? Someone who can support herself, take care of herself, stand on her own? Someone who your husband knows it's true when you tell him there's got to be change in this marriage or else?

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    Registered User Libby's Avatar
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    At the risk of sounding cliche .... everyone thinks that the grass is always greener on the other side.

    Think things through before you do anything drastic. How many other men will accept you how you are now for who you are? What qualities in others do you dislike that you may have to end up 'dealing with' b/c you're going to be with someone else/new?

    Take this time to really look deep inside yourself and think about the bigger picture here. You two have spent this much time together so far.....you know each others likes and dislikes and don't even have to bat an eye about this with one another. Don't forget about all the little things you do for each other b/c you love each other.

    Things are rough for you right now....think of how rough it could be later on if you (1) stay (2) leave and find someone else (3) leave and find no one else (4) find someone else and need to see if its 'real' by waiting it out for a year or two til you think you completely know them.

    Think about all the positive and negatives and be real about it, don't lie to yourself.

    You've shown him that its ok to behave this way since you two have been together....it will take a long time for him to learn to undo this as well. Are you able to make a daily challenge of it? He has to cuddle with you for 15 minutes/day and you need to do something for him that you do not like doing but he does.

    Hope that made sense, its late here.

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    Registered User AnW819's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Luckybustert View Post
    What's going on with him? Is it possible he's depressed, having some medical concerns, not getting enough sleep, problems on the job, etc. etc. etc.....any number of things can affect intimacy. Money issues, for example, are a huge culprit in that area. As are fights, arguments, etc. Affection does not fluorish in that environment. And quite honestly, if my partner were throwing the D word around and talking about their interest in others it wouldn't exactly endear them to me...I'd be more likely thinking it'd be a cold day in a hot spot before I warmed up to them, kwim?

    Anyway, the bottom line is it takes two to make or break a relationship....what are each of you doing that is contributing to this problem? What can each of you do to help make things better? Marriage is learning, growing, and working together to build and share a life.
    No, he says he is not depressed, no problems on the job, gets plenty of sleep, no health problems. I mean bottom line is, he has a lazy personality. Dad told him this to. He is just lazy in everything he does, and being intimate it work for him.

    And me telling DH about the other guys and throwing the D word around just started happening, like 2 weeks ago. I have not been doing that for years, lol!!

    We are stuck in a circle. He gives no affection, I am miserable because of it, and because I am miserable he gives no affection. I have tried to just be happy, and not be miserable, but still, he shows no affection.

    Like here is an example: The other day I was in bed, crying because I was in a lot of pain. Laying there, curled up, rocking back and forth. DH gets up, sits on the chair, and starts playing on xbox. I said "Don't you see I am in pain? Could you not come comfort me, or even see if I am okay??" he says, "There is nothing I can do to help you anyway", and continues playing.

    How am I NOT suppose to act miserable and hurt by that afterwords??

    Gosh I mean, I know its wrong I am talking to these other 2 guys, but, am I COMPLETELY in the wrong? I just feel like his actions are making me reactions, and while I can change my reactions, it gets harder and harder everyday.

    Dad really does not want us to divorce because he has divorced 2 times, but I said to him, so its I stay with him, and probably cheat on him, to fill that void, and emotionally cheat on him, or divorce him. Whats worse??? But then dad said do you really see yourself happier without him? And the question to that is no. I don't.

    I am TRYING to be as MATURE about this as possible. I really am.

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    Registered User AnW819's Avatar
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    Lib, I totally agree with you, and that is what I am struggling with. I am sure if I leave Wayne things are gonna be really rough for me, BUT does that mean that I have to be in a loveless marriage my whole life then?

    And I do not feel I have allowed him to be this way for so many years. We have had this problem, fought about it, talked about it, cryed about it, broke up because of it, for years. He knows, it kills me inside. And the challenge, I think it would cause a fight.

    Quote Originally Posted by Libby View Post
    At the risk of sounding cliche .... everyone thinks that the grass is always greener on the other side.

    Think things through before you do anything drastic. How many other men will accept you how you are now for who you are? What qualities in others do you dislike that you may have to end up 'dealing with' b/c you're going to be with someone else/new?

    Take this time to really look deep inside yourself and think about the bigger picture here. You two have spent this much time together so far.....you know each others likes and dislikes and don't even have to bat an eye about this with one another. Don't forget about all the little things you do for each other b/c you love each other.

    Things are rough for you right now....think of how rough it could be later on if you (1) stay (2) leave and find someone else (3) leave and find no one else (4) find someone else and need to see if its 'real' by waiting it out for a year or two til you think you completely know them.

    Think about all the positive and negatives and be real about it, don't lie to yourself.

    You've shown him that its ok to behave this way since you two have been together....it will take a long time for him to learn to undo this as well. Are you able to make a daily challenge of it? He has to cuddle with you for 15 minutes/day and you need to do something for him that you do not like doing but he does.

    Hope that made sense, its late here.

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    Registered User Luckybustert's Avatar
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    Well all I can suggest is things that have worked for me. Your mileage may vary. It sounds like the two of you are stuck in a behavioral rut and could use some behavior-based counseling (as opposed to the kind where you just sit there and vent about each other). I don't want this to come across mean, and I hope you will not take it that way, but blaming an issue completely on the other person is not a mature way of handling it. Again, marriage is give and take, it takes two and there are always two ways of looking at every problem. In this case there are probably three: your perception of what's happening, his perception of what's happening, and what's actually happening.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Libby
    You've shown him that its ok to behave this way since you two have been together....it will take a long time for him to learn to undo this as well. Are you able to make a daily challenge of it? He has to cuddle with you for 15 minutes/day and you need to do something for him that you do not like doing but he does.
    Ugh, I have to humbly disagree. Lets see...since Ashley has joined this board, there have been many post by her about how unhappy she is in her marriage and things are not working out.

    I, for one, would not beg my own husband to cuddle with me or show me attention, nor make it a challenge. I bet she hates the fact that she and her dh lives with her dad. That in itself is doing something she really doesn't like doing for oh so long.

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    Registered User Luckybustert's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Palooka View Post
    I bet she hates the fact that she and her dh lives with her dad. That in itself is doing something she really doesn't like doing for oh so long.
    Agreed, and the question it brings to mind is how does this impact the way she interacts with her husband. In other words, does her resentment result in behavior that pushes him further away? Creating the opposite result of what she says she wants (cuddling, etc.)? It can become a vicious circle.

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    Registered User AnW819's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Luckybustert View Post
    Well all I can suggest is things that have worked for me. Your mileage may vary. It sounds like the two of you are stuck in a behavioral rut and could use some behavior-based counseling (as opposed to the kind where you just sit there and vent about each other). I don't want this to come across mean, and I hope you will not take it that way, but blaming an issue completely on the other person is not a mature way of handling it. Again, marriage is give and take, it takes two and there are always two ways of looking at every problem. In this case there are probably three: your perception of what's happening, his perception of what's happening, and what's actually happening.
    Yeah, I do blame this on DH, because this is something he is doing to hurt me, and our marriage. He tells me all the time its not me, so while I want to say its us, and (yeah, maybe this is not real mature of me), I blame DH for this. This is something he and I should of fixed years ago, and years of me trying and him not, I blame him for this.

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