How to nicely say, I am POed, and you hurt my feelings??

**AnW819** · 11-28-2010, 06:47 PM

I am not sure how to tell dad, that what he is doing me is hurting my feelings and the longer and longer I put it off the angrier I get.

Background: Yesterday dad asks me to clean the house (which I do all the time anyway, but dad does not put his dirty dishes in sink, or put anything away in a matter of a few hours, the house is a disaster again). I said, well you know all the mess is yours right? He says oh yeah, I know, I just need you to do it today by 8 because my fiance is coming over. I say okay because I was going to actually clean it anyway because I can't handle the mess.

Then he texts me later oh, we are going to be there soooner, is it done? Well yes, its done, I even did some deocrating for xmas.

They get home, make a ginger bread house, eat it, trash the house, leave their chinese food sit out all night and all day together, left dishes with food on counter, all the candy and icing is all over the place, I mean its just a mess!

They were here today, and still did not clean it.

Wayne thinks I should leave it, but I do that all the time, and it sits and sits and sits for weeks sometimes!

He takes advantage of me. Leaves the mess because he knows I will clean it. Does not even say thanks.

So, now I have decided for now I will not be cleaning for dad when he asks. Even the bathroom, he shaves and leaves his hair all over the sink for days and days til he shaves again and then its worse, and I have to clean it if say, I have friends coming over.

Now, I know this seems selfish, just clean the stupid house, Ash. But I am sick of him walking all over me, and I am putting a stop to it.

I pay him rent to, so why is it I have to take care of everything that has to do with the house. I am a neat freak. All my stuff is always put away.

Okay, so now, I am not going to do it anymore, but do I let dad know how I feel? If so, how?? I am not sure?? I never tell anyone how I feel. I am not sure how to do it, and I am not sure how to say it??

Can anyone give me tips on how to tell someone that what they did made you mad and its rude, without being rude yourself?

**Contrary Housewife** · 11-28-2010, 06:57 PM

"Dad, it's your turn to do the dishes."

"Wow, you guys sure had fun with that gingerbread house. It's going to take you all night to clean up."

**AnW819** · 11-28-2010, 06:59 PM

Originally Posted by Contrary Housewife

"Dad, it's your turn to do the dishes."

"Wow, you guys sure had fun with that gingerbread house. It's going to take you all night to clean up."

Problem is, dad is only here with her for like 2 hours tops and they go in his bedroom most of the time, and run down stairs grab what they want, and run back upstairs. I don't even have time to make quick comments like that. Its gotta be something I sit down with him and talk about.

**HappyMama** · 11-28-2010, 07:18 PM

Ashley,

I agree with you in the fact you are going to need to sit down with Dad and have a heart to heart mature talk. Think about what you want to achieve in the talk, and start to set clear boundaries for yourself and the cleaning etc.

From my perspective, knowing only the little you write it seems that your fathers fiancée is very young, living at home maybe? If so it seems she loves coming over to your Dads and they "play house", get take out, eat what you have bought, have fun, make a mess then she goes home where there is someone to pick up after her, and you are left to pick up there. Not really sure how you can fix that with them or their relationship, only they can. All you can do is start to read some good books on dysfunctional families, boundaries, and I hate to say it but toxic relationships with people. I am not saying they are dysfunctional or toxic but their behavior can be interpreted as that at times. All you can do is work on you, being healthy and having healthy relationships and boundaries and that doesn't mean it is not ok to help Dad once in awhile , take pride in the house, help keep it clean but being Cinderella while they party like its is 1999, and they are playing house like teeny boppers is not healthy for you. How much you want to say and get into with him since you are moving soon only you can decide! He is going to have bigger problems with this marriage, if he and fiancee can't even clean up take out....lol

Keep your chin up hon, work on you and your relationship with your husband and Dad in a healthy way, set goals and boundaries, and be way to busy to clean up after them. Maybe politely request their help when she is over, after talking to Dad. Good luck to you.

**AnW819** · 11-28-2010, 07:46 PM

Originally Posted by HappyMama

Ashley,

I agree with you in the fact you are going to need to sit down with Dad and have a heart to heart mature talk. Think about what you want to achieve in the talk, and start to set clear boundaries for yourself and the cleaning etc.

From my perspective, knowing only the little you write it seems that your fathers fiancée is very young, living at home maybe? If so it seems she loves coming over to your Dads and they "play house", get take out, eat what you have bought, have fun, make a mess then she goes home where there is someone to pick up after her, and you are left to pick up there. Not really sure how you can fix that with them or their relationship, only they can. All you can do is start to read some good books on dysfunctional families, boundaries, and I hate to say it but toxic relationships with people. I am not saying they are dysfunctional or toxic but their behavior can be interpreted as that at times. All you can do is work on you, being healthy and having healthy relationships and boundaries and that doesn't mean it is not ok to help Dad once in awhile , take pride in the house, help keep it clean but being Cinderella while they party like its is 1999, and they are playing house like teeny boppers is not healthy for you. How much you want to say and get into with him since you are moving soon only you can decide! He is going to have bigger problems with this marriage, if he and fiancee can't even clean up take out....lol

Keep your chin up hon, work on you and your relationship with your husband and Dad in a healthy way, set goals and boundaries, and be way to busy to clean up after them. Maybe politely request their help when she is over, after talking to Dad. Good luck to you.

That is exactly what it reminds me of, playing house!! Thank you for this wonderful post!

**porembam** · 11-28-2010, 07:51 PM

Maybe you can rewrite your rental contract - since you like it clean you can do that and not pay rent

**ladykemma2** · 11-28-2010, 07:53 PM

the sooner you take charge of your own life the sooner you don't have to put up with crap like this.

stop being a victim.

**jas** · 11-28-2010, 08:42 PM

Put your foot down. That fiance is going to get a rude awakening when you are not there and sees what a slob your dad is. And she is the one cooking and cleaning both of thier messes up.

You pay rent, you are not a maid.

**Momto5RN** · 11-28-2010, 08:50 PM

i would put all the mess into a trash bag trash or not and leave it on his bed to sort thru ( which worked great for my oldest dd hen she was 17) ..... IF it as my house he was messing up - but its his house so - i would have to say to him i charge so much per hour for cleaning services that are not messes i made or everyday cleaning someone does as part of a household ( Ie YOUR GF and YOUR dinner messes ) .

ask for reduced rent or they clean up after themselves .

**annymoll** · 11-28-2010, 09:45 PM

I would go down to the HUD office and get my name on the housing list.I do not think your situation is going to change a bit until you get out. I would not stop to think if it is right or wrong, good or bad, or analyze and pick it to pieces.I learned to swim by jumping into the water. I had friends to stand by, and there is a social support network in place to help you.Jump Ashley.

**Missy** · 11-28-2010, 09:48 PM

Put it all in a bag or a box and set it neatly somewhere in his room. Heck, stuff it under his bed if you have to. make sure it's all theirs though. Dishes and all. Start using only your own dishes, wash those and put those neatly in your own room. Eventually his roo will smell like a sty and he and his lady will either have to clean it or stop being there. Either way, you win.

That may not be the most practical advice I have but it is one that would give me the most satisfaction. But then again I am a little snarky this time of year

**Missy** · 11-28-2010, 09:51 PM

Originally Posted by annymoll

I would go down to the HUD office and get my name on the housing list.I do not think your situation is going to change a bit until you get out. I would not stop to think if it is right or wrong, good or bad, or analyze and pick it to pieces.I learned to swim by jumping into the water. I had friends to stand by, and there is a social support network in place to help you.Jump Ashley.

probably much better advice than what I offered. This would be a great place to start.

**frugalwarrior2** · 11-28-2010, 10:48 PM

Putting it into his room will start a confrontation. And you don't have anywhere to go currently. I would tape a polite note to his door regarding picking up his mess. He may and he may not. I like the HUD idea. You can't clear your mind and move forward w/ all that going on.

**flashyMcGee** · 11-29-2010, 01:33 AM

Originally Posted by ladykemma2

the sooner you take charge of your own life the sooner you don't have to put up with crap like this.

stop being a victim.

Exactly this.

**AnW819** · 11-29-2010, 01:35 AM

Originally Posted by frugalwarrior2

Putting it into his room will start a confrontation. And you don't have anywhere to go currently. I would tape a polite note to his door regarding picking up his mess. He may and he may not. I like the HUD idea. You can't clear your mind and move forward w/ all that going on.

While I SO MUCH love everyones awesome advice, frugal is right, I have no where else to go at the moment, so I can't get to snarky. Also, we did not get approved for HUD so thats out.

Right now, as soon as we can find a home for our cats, or a no kill shelter, we are gone.