new and need to vent

**momofbm** · 12-03-2010, 10:10 AM

I am new to this forum, but have been a long time reader. Anyway I. Do not have any friends to talk to so I wanted to come here and vent. Just wondering what would u do in this situation. I will try to keep it short, I've been married for 12 years three wonderful children. During the first few years of marriage my husband was unfaithful I have forgiv en and moved on. For a while I thought all was well until I. Found prno sites on the computer. He had a problem with this in the past ,but this time he is denying it. I also found on one of his cellphones, he is signed up with a bunch of chat sites, he also refuses to give me access to his bank account. I have to ask for money since I do not work. He won't give me access to the. Cellphone bill either. A few months ago he lied about going to the doctor. To this day I do not know where he went, when I ask him about it he avoids the question. I don't know where he went but I called the doctor because we never got the bill and they said they have not seen him in a year. So he lied, but why. I don't know what to do I feel I can not trust him. When I confront him he gets defensive and lies. What would u do in my shoes. This is only a short summary there are other issues with locking his cellphone, and sittingsecret text and phone calls. Thanks for reading my long vent.

**2ndGenGranola** · 12-03-2010, 10:23 AM

If that were me and my DH doing that, I would get a job and take the 3 kids and go.

**jas** · 12-03-2010, 10:23 AM

Wow. Girl you need a hug for sure. Then after the hug you need to get serious. Your dh is up to some shady business for sure. You can't sugar coat this, it sounds like he is up to his old ways plus an added few more.

As for the doctor, the first thing that comes to mind is that he went to a doctor that you don't know because he caught or thought he caught something he did not want you to know about. Either way that is awful. If he has something you have every right to know!! Pronto.

He is keeping sooooo many secrets from you, that is not a healthy attitude in a marriage. It does not work that way.

I am sure you will get plenty of advice on the matter none of it will be easy to do I am sure of that.

Does he get mean and nasty when you question him on these things. Why, if nothing is wrong is he being so secretive????
Houston we have a problem!!!!! A big one from the sounds of it.

**mschrief** · 12-03-2010, 10:27 AM

Well, first off, I'd never be in your position. My mama told me when I was a teenager to make my own security, and I've always done that. I have a steady job with uncle sam and will retire in five years.

When you depend on a man, you have to pretty much take what you get unless you have the courage to leave and make it on your own.

I'd leave his old, lying rear and make it on my own.

**CrazyCat** · 12-03-2010, 10:41 AM

Do you have any way to earn money? I would start to try to squirrel away every nickel and dime you can, until you can make it on your own.

You have 2 choices the way I see it. Put up with it..or find a way to get out. I'm sorry, but..once a cheater..always a cheater.

There is no delicate way to put this, but is he abusive? If so, Perhaps Homesafe..or someplace like that.

He is keeping you a prisoner by keeping you from having any cash. He makes you ASK for money?

Run...do not walk...

**Darlene** · 12-03-2010, 10:42 AM

I'm sorry. I agree with the above posters that you need to get yourself a job, a lawyer and a counselor to talk to. I hope you have friends and family who can help you with emotional support. This isn't the end of the world, it's the beginning of the end of a situation that was already robbing you of what you deserve. You don't deserve to be lied to and betrayed and yes it's a betrayal. Take steps to protect you and your children. You can come out the other side of this mess stronger and happier. You and your children deserve it.
I really wish you the best. Please take care.

**Russ** · 12-03-2010, 10:48 AM

Time for an ultimatum... He acts like a MAN and fesses up or you are gone. Do not be a doormat.

2 of many rules for marriage:
Honesty
be faithful

Not in any particular order.

**Greebo** · 12-03-2010, 10:53 AM

Originally Posted by Russ

Time for an ultimatum... He acts like a MAN and fesses up or you are gone. Do not be a doormat.

2 of many rules for marriage:
Honesty
be faithful

Not in any particular order.

+1

(filler)

**Debbie-cat** · 12-03-2010, 11:01 AM

Turn and run. Once a cheater always a cheater. I am so sorry you have to go through this. Leave and never look back.

**Hamada** · 12-03-2010, 11:11 AM

I would start thinking about getting job skills you can use or find a job that will help you get out of the situation you are currently in. He is not respecting you and you deserve so much more. I would also try to get in touch with a womans shelter and ask about any type of therapy for emtional abuse. From your post this is what it sounds like. They will understand and hopefully be able to help you from everything to finding strength in yourself to leave, therapy, helping you know what resources are available to you, maybe even help in finding a job.

You are not alone. Many of us know what it is like to be in a situation where it seems confusing and not knowing where to start. Take care of yourself and call a womans shelter.

**Syn D** · 12-03-2010, 11:12 AM

Anyone that hides things (bills,accounts,etc.) from their spouse is hiding something. For me, this wouldn't of gone past the first few years. My x cheated on me and was gone as soon as I found out..

You have to decide on your own what would work best for you, but if it was me, I'd gather up any proof I could find, then find somewhere to go and consult a lawyer, find one that will give you a free consultation, get a job, and start over.. I know after 12 yrs. it might be a scary thought, but pretty much 2 options, stay or go...

I met my hubby two years later and have been happy for almost 22 yrs. now.. I trust him 100%..

**Jamielane** · 12-03-2010, 11:55 AM

Sounds to me like the marriage was over a very long time ago. I would leave and never look back. Sorry you are going through this.

**Russ** · 12-03-2010, 11:59 AM

Originally Posted by shoiji

He is not respecting you and you deserve so much more. .

well said.

**Josephhgoins** · 12-03-2010, 12:05 PM

Watching porn isn't a sign of someone cheating on you. It just means they like looking at folks naked.

On the other hand. Having a secret cell phone, hiding the bills would make me think he is cheating on you.

I suggest you start putting money to the side in a place he doesn't know about. I would also suggest its time for you to get a job. Aim as high as you can, but don't be too proud to accept what is offered.

Then when you have a good stash, go see a lawyer. Tell them what you told us and follow their advice.

I wish you luck and hope that I am wrong.