DH has a friend, thats a girl.
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  1. #1
    Registered User AnW819's Avatar
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    Default DH has a friend, thats a girl.

    Gosh, I know this is stupid but I have never encountered this before. DH has never had a friend thats a girl, and I am not sure what to make of it. He works with her and they do text about work, and poker (they have that common interest), and she calls him hun sometimes and I hate it, but he said thats just how she is.

    DH and I play poker at the neighbors on Friday nights (tonight) and he has been asking me the past few weeks if she can come and I keep saying no no no because I am terrified he could maybe like her or something? But tonight he asked again, and I said yeah.

    I have never been jealous of DH and someone else because this has never happened and I am not sure if I just need to let it go, and stop thinking into it (which I am sure is the case) or if I am okay to not wanting her and him to hang out?

    DHs and I marriage you all know we have been working on it and its been going well, and I do think this is an insecurity issue for me.

    I just feel really scared about it that DH could maybe like someone else because I Love him so much.

    Thanks for listening.

  2. #2
    Registered User Nishu's Avatar
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    It's not stupid. I don't have an answer for you but it's definitely not stupid. I would be uncomfortable with it too.

  3. #3
    Registered User sahm2boys's Avatar
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    i feel ya..i get the same way.

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    Registered User Droppedonmyhead's Avatar
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    I know that a lot of people would say that it's no big deal, but my opinion is different. I would think that if he had a friend who was a girl before you met him, then she would come with the territory. But if he makes new friends who are girls, to me that puts it in a different light. He might just be a friendly sort of guy, but who knows what her true intentions are. Friends should be mutual with both husband and wife. Just my opinion!!!!!

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    I would want her to show up so I could check her out! It's not stupid to feel that way.

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    Can understand why you feel like that. Just remember, your husband likes her as a friend. Your husband loves you, his wife. To me that is a big difference. You may or may not like her. However you feel towards her is fine. That is the way you feel. Let your husband know how you feel in a non-confrontational way. Just matter of fact.

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    Registered User MsMarieH's Avatar
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    I don't think it's stupid to have caution. If you and your husband have had marital issues, it's particularly valid.

    However, here's the bottom line (IMHO)

    1) You don't know what she is like or what she may or may not be doing in the way of flirting with your husband. So inviting her over and getting to know her better will give you a better feel for her intentions and personality. It also allows you to pull her aside privately and say, "it makes me uncomfortable when you call my husband "hun", I'm sure you understand. I would appreciate it if you would discontinue that."

    2) Your husband is not a mind reader. You will have to talk to him about your concerns so he understands your perspective.

    3) Finally, not to be mean, but if your husband is actually attracted to her, then your decision one way or the other is irrelevant. You would not be able to stop him if he were determined to cheat on you, simply by "forbidding" hiim to see her. Either you trust him or you don't. If you don't, then you have issues you still need to work out, regardless of whether he makes female friends or not.

    Not having read your past posts on the subject, I'll have to assume he's given you cause for suspicion from past actions and that's why this is a particularly sensitive subject for you. If that is the case, it is realistic to point out that based on past actions, you have a sore spot in the area of female friends and that you would ask him to respect that until he has earned back your trust more fully.

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    Registered User Nishu's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MsMarieH View Post
    I don't think it's stupid to have caution. If you and your husband have had marital issues, it's particularly valid.

    However, here's the bottom line (IMHO)

    1) You don't know what she is like or what she may or may not be doing in the way of flirting with your husband. So inviting her over and getting to know her better will give you a better feel for her intentions and personality. It also allows you to pull her aside privately and say, "it makes me uncomfortable when you call my husband "hun", I'm sure you understand. I would appreciate it if you would discontinue that."

    2) Your husband is not a mind reader. You will have to talk to him about your concerns so he understands your perspective.

    3) Finally, not to be mean, but if your husband is actually attracted to her, then your decision one way or the other is irrelevant. You would not be able to stop him if he were determined to cheat on you, simply by "forbidding" hiim to see her. Either you trust him or you don't. If you don't, then you have issues you still need to work out, regardless of whether he makes female friends or not.

    Not having read your past posts on the subject, I'll have to assume he's given you cause for suspicion from past actions and that's why this is a particularly sensitive subject for you. If that is the case, it is realistic to point out that based on past actions, you have a sore spot in the area of female friends and that you would ask him to respect that until he has earned back your trust more fully.
    I think number 2 is fabulous advice. I also think that getting to know this girl is a good idea, but I don't think it's a good idea to bring things up that make Ashley feel uncomfortable. Getting counseled like that by someone's spouse makes you edgy. It suggest to the woman "Hey, I don't trust you. Back off." I also think that it's more his responsibility to draw the line in this relationship. If Ashley does it, not only will it make things awkward, but it will also it will send the message to this girl that Ashley has got some insecurities. (It may be true, but it's none of this girls business.)

    And I personally don't believe that people always set out to cheat. I've asked my husband what would happen if he falls in love with some girl and has to run off, and he says it wouldn't. He never says that it's because he loves me so much or because he's not a cheater, he just says that he would never put himself in that position. It's actually a very comforting answer.

    I guess it's a matter of personal opinion on whether cheating is purely a personality thing, but I think certain circumstances can contribute. If your marriage is stressed, it's going to be more vulnerable than it normally is and you have a right to be cautious.

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    Friendships between opposite sexes are tricky. I actually have some men friends that I get along with as well if not better than some women friends. However, I know where to draw the line, even if they were to try and cross it. This is a respect issue. If it bothers you and you tell your husband that it does, he should respect you enough to not put you in that situation. Flip side of that is....hopefully you respect and trust your husband enough to know that he knows where to draw the line. What you do want to beware of though, is if he starts talking to her about things he should be talking to you about....that's a red flag...and sometimes the start of an emotional affair....

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    Registered User Inkstain82's Avatar
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    I've been on the other side of this. My wife and I worked at the same newspaper. We hired a new reporter who actually took the desk between me and Mrs. Inkstain.

    This woman and I had tons in common and we hit it off. I like to say that my wife and I have a 'mixed marriage' in that I'm deep into geek culture and she doesn't have a geek bone in her body. This new friend and I would have conversations that flowed pretty effortlessly about all of our common interests, cracking each other up with in-jokes and whatever. We also became gym-buddies, keeping each other in line going to the gym a few times a week.

    Mrs. Inkstain was understandably jealous, but she was also pretty good friends with this woman and we'd all hang out pretty regularly.

    From my point of view:

    1) This woman was categorically unattractive and I had no romantic interest in her whatsoever.

    2) I also had a pretty good friendship with this woman's long-term live-in boyfriend, who was into all the same kind of stuff.

    3) Mrs. Inkstain had always rejected out of hand any attempts I made to involve her to in geek culture. If she felt "left out" in our conversations (especially when the four of us would go out to lunch), that's hardly my fault.

    4) I had asked Mrs. Inkstain repeatedly to be my gym-buddy and she'd refused.

    That's not to say I dismissed Mrs. Ink's jealousy out of hand. We eventually worked out some parameters that made her feel more comfortable, without her asking me to torch a friendship that I enjoyed. But there were a few times she came across as a little too accusatory and I got pretty offended by that.

    Just giving an idea of what it's like from the other perspective

  12. #11
    Registered User AnW819's Avatar
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    Thanks everyone, I really appreciate it. This girl is really nice. Shes sweet, pretty, funny, outgoing...she makes me insecure. The hun thing though, she did call a few of the other guys hun to so maybe its no meant in that way?

    Its not that I think Wayne would intentionally cheat, I think my fear is him becoming friends with her, putting himself in that situation, and ending up liking her. Its happened to me before, but I realized it and have no spoken to him since; but that was also a very vulnerable time for me.

    I just don't think I will ever be able to not be jealous of her. DH and I do have some issues in our marriage that are NOT worked out, and its really fearful for me with them working together, same shift, in the same poker class together, and now wanting to hang out outside of work.

    Playing poker Friday nights was something DH and I did as a couple to have fun together, and now that he wants her to come it makes me feel sad.

    And I have talked to DH about this. I have told him nicely how it makes me feel. He just doesn't understand it he says. He doesn't look at her that way...but how can you not if things are flaunted?

    Sigh. I don't know.

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    Registered User flashyMcGee's Avatar
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    How about getting some CONFIDENCE!!! You are a gorgeous girl and courageous. You're working so hard to find your way. Do you trust your husband? Then there shouldn't be a problem, right? Do what feels comfortable but you never know this woman might turn out to be a new friend to you too.

    P.S. No one can make you FEEL anything....unless you allow it..."she makes me feel insecure"

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    Registered User GoodThyming's Avatar
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    It sounds to me like you have some deep trust issues. I think you are also cognizant of that.

    Reading this, it sounds like you do not trust your husband and that is making you feel insecure. I think you will need some outside guidance to help you work on this. Perhaps some individual relationship counseling and some couples counseling.

    I think part of the challenge is how do you include him in understanding that you don't trust him and why that is. I don't have the answers, I'm afraid, but a counselor could probably help you.

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    Registered User Jamielane's Avatar
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    I would feel the same way as you Ashley. I think if he knows it makes you uncomfortable , especially given the problems you guys are working through, then its a respect issue. If you respectfully say to him , this makes me uncomfortable and I want very much to spend poker nights as a couple and he shows no interest in this it is a lack of respect. My dh and I have been married 20 years and we love each other very much. Cheating as never been ( thank God) an issue for us but..... When I joined facebook to keep an eye on the kids pages alot of people I went to school with, Including several old bf's sent me friend requests . Two of them had been serious bfs. Dh knew that. I asked how he felt about me accepting them. They both lived out of state. He said I would rather you did not. End of story. He was uncomfortable and I respected him enough to do or not do as he wished. I would expect the same from him.

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    Registered User 2ndGenGranola's Avatar
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    What I would be watching for is whether she comes alone or with the boyfriend. To me, that would speak volumes.

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