"Just for coffee", a friend annoying me!

**krbshappy71** · 11-02-2011, 02:11 PM

Ok I am venting and maybe I am totally out of line in my feelings.

I have a friend. She is dating a guy, for 4 or 5 months now. They have spent nights together.

She tells me all excitedly that she has a coffee date with a different guy on Sunday. A girl friend of hers, that has met her current guy, insisted that she at least "have coffee" with this new guy. (I found that rude!)

I suggested that my friend just throw it out to her current guy that she is meeting this new guy for coffee. She immediately said No, and says that the current guy isn't giving her any commitment anyhow, that its 'just coffee' with the new guy.

My issue is that this isn't someone she has known for years and is meeting up for coffee with. This is a guy she is being set-up with, to see if it works out, isn't that a date?

So I told her, "I guess you aren't that into your current guy or you wouldn't be looking for other options." She was mad about that, she repeated, "Its just coffee." very annoyed with me.

AM I OLD-FASHIONED ALREADY? I would be LIVID if my bf had met a new lady for coffee after we were dating for that long! I would NOT do that myself. Is it old-fashioned? Is this acceptable until "there's a ring on it."?

I am really struggling with this, and I know its not really my business, I do tend to judge others and am pretty critical about my friendships and how the people around me act. I feel like its going to eat at me and my friendship towards her.

I feel that her current guy at least has the right to a conversation about it, at which point he could at least verbalize his feelings that either "yah its fine, I don't know what I want right now." or "wait, no, I know I said that in the beginning but my feelings for you have changed since then..."

Ok. Slam away if I'm out of line. Should I have kept my mouth shut? We have been friends for about four years, her previous husband died two years ago so she's been dating off and on since then. I knew him and I think sometimes I also have hangups about that too. (that she is dating so much right after his passing)

**Greebo** · 11-02-2011, 02:26 PM

Originally Posted by krbshappy71

Ok I am venting and maybe I am totally out of line in my feelings.

Yeah - sorry - but you're out of line on this one.

I have a friend. She is dating a guy, for 4 or 5 months now. They have spent nights together.

You've attached more commitment to the relationship based on the sex than she has. Presumably also more than the guy has as well.

She tells me all excitedly that she has a coffee date with a different guy on Sunday. A girl friend of hers, that has met her current guy, insisted that she at least "have coffee" with this new guy. (I found that rude!)

Has GF ever indicated to you that she's in a committed monogamous relationship with the 4-5 month guy? Does SHE call him her boyfriend?

Or did you assign that label to their relationship yourself?

So I told her, "I guess you aren't that into your current guy or you wouldn't be looking for other options." She was mad about that, she repeated, "Its just coffee." very annoyed with me.

This I think is correct - she probably isn't all that into the current guy - OR she thinks the guy isn't that into her - either way, she's clearly keeping her options open.

So what? If there's no established commitment between the two of them, who are you to assume one for them?

Is this acceptable until "there's a ring on it."?

No, but it's acceptable until the relationship is declared to be more serious.

I feel that her current guy at least has the right to a conversation about it

Per your GF - there's no commitment in the relationship. When there is no commitment to fidelity, there is no obligation to discuss said non-existent commitment.

We have been friends for about four years, her previous husband died two years ago so she's been dating off and on since then. I knew him and I think sometimes I also have hangups about that too. (that she is dating so much right after his passing)

Define "right after"? A month? Six months? A year?

It's "death do us part" - she's allowed to keep living after he's gone.

**nodmicks** · 11-02-2011, 02:35 PM

Well call me old fashioned too then. I think if you are serious enough to have sex you shouldnt be looking to meet other men unless you are 100% upfront with your current guy. I would also expect the guy to be 100% upfront with me. Otherwise too me it is sneaky.

I had a friend that dated with in a month of her hubbys passing. I know how you feel. I can't say it is wrong as I'm sure it is very lonely but it was hard too see and understand as we all loved her hubby so much.

**Greebo** · 11-02-2011, 02:41 PM

Originally Posted by nodmicks

Well call me old fashioned too then. I think if you are serious enough to have sex you shouldnt be looking to meet other men unless you are 100% upfront with your current guy. I would also expect the guy to be 100% upfront with me. Otherwise too me it is sneaky.

There's nothing wrong with your having this personal standard.

Requiring others to have it, or assuming that anyone you might be dating is on the same page with you if you haven't explicitly discussed it - that would be wrong.

Based on what we have seen posted so far, the gal and the guy have no established commitment. Some people are fine having multiple people that they sleep with.

**Kitten20** · 11-02-2011, 02:41 PM

I think it's hard to judge without knowing all of the facts.

But the fact that she immediately said no when you suggested talking to her current guy about the coffee non-date makes me wonder. If it is "just coffee" and there's no commitment with her current guy, she should be more open to discussing it.

My guess is that she isn't that into her current guy or there are other problems.

Just my 2c from what you posted.

**greekislandgirl** · 11-02-2011, 02:43 PM

I don't think you're old fashioned. I feel the same way. While I tend to let things like this slide with my girlfriends, I would never do this myself and would be hurt if I were dating someone and he did that to me.

11-02-2011, 02:54 PM

I'm with Greebo on this. If she wants to date, that's up to her. If you wouldn't date in that situation, that's fine, but as a grown woman I think she's allowed to set her own standards. She doesn't see the current guy as a boyfriend or has a commitment to him.

And if I were in the situation, I wouldn't tell the guy I'd been seeing for 4-5 months that I was meeting up with someone else either. What is the 4-5 month guy supposed to think? Wow, she's trying to make me jealous by dating someone else. Unless you're trying to play mind games, I see that as being a bad idea.

And yes, sometimes you do just go out for coffee and talk and see if you click. It's not the same as a romantic dinner or sex. So I wouldn't consider that a "date" either.

**krbshappy71** · 11-02-2011, 02:54 PM

Originally Posted by Greebo

There's nothing wrong with your having this personal standard.

Requiring others to have it, or assuming that anyone you might be dating is on the same page with you if you haven't explicitly discussed it - that would be wrong.

Based on what we have seen posted so far, the gal and the guy have no established commitment. Some people are fine having multiple people that they sleep with.

I figured that's what I was doing. Putting my own values and standards on her and her situation.

Timeline-wise, she was dating within a month of deceased hubby but I guess for me to see that as wrong is also me putting my standards on her. I know I do this alllll the time, it causes great frustration for myself and others, apparently I am doing it again.

Maybe I'll apologize to her for that, because even though I used expressions such as "I think" and "I feel" when talking to her my attitude was really clearly judgmental, coming off in a "you should and you shouldn't" attitude.

I am still frustrated but that's my own problem to deal with.

**nodmicks** · 11-02-2011, 02:54 PM

Originally Posted by Greebo

There's nothing wrong with your having this personal standard.

Requiring others to have it, or assuming that anyone you might be dating is on the same page with you if you haven't explicitly discussed it - that would be wrong.

Based on what we have seen posted so far, the gal and the guy have no established commitment. Some people are fine having multiple people that they sleep with.

Originally Posted by krbshappy71

I suggested that my friend just throw it out to her current guy that she is meeting this new guy for coffee. She immediately said No, and says that the current guy isn't giving her any commitment anyhow, that its 'just coffee' with the new guy.

The quick "no" in the paragraph above makes me think there may be a reason she doesn't want to tell him. Does the guy know they have no commitment? We can't answer that.
However it is hard not to let personal beliefs color what one may read into the paragraph above or most anywhere.

I have been married for almost 19 years and with dh since I was 21 so I am sure all the dating rules are very different. I just always thought it was common respect to be very upfront with seeing anyone else once a relationship was sexual. That way there are no hard feelings or shocks. I honestly didnt realize there had to be a conversation about it.

I do realize some people are very free with their sexuality. I do know a few swingers and they have pretty strict rules as far as their thing goes. . I dont understand it but thats ok.

**Nishu** · 11-02-2011, 02:57 PM

Didn't read the rest of the responses, but the rule about not having sex till your somewhat committed kind of works both ways as long as we're being judgy-judgy.

If her guy is happy not buying the cow because he's getting the milk for free, he shouldn't be surprised when his cow starts shopping for a better deal in the absence of a milk-supplying contract.

**Russ** · 11-02-2011, 03:01 PM

Originally Posted by Nishu

If her guy is happy not buying the cow because he's getting the milk for free, he shouldn't be surprised when his cow starts shopping for a better deal in the absence of a milk-supplying contract.

bwahahaha That is some funny stuff.

**Nishu** · 11-02-2011, 03:01 PM

Originally Posted by nodmicks

The quick "no" in the paragraph above makes me think there may be a reason she doesn't want to tell him. Does the guy know they have no commitment? We can't answer that.
However it is hard not to let personal beliefs color what one may read into the paragraph above or most anywhere.

I have been married for almost 19 years and with dh since I was 21 so I am sure all the dating rules are very different. I just always thought it was common respect to be very upfront with seeing anyone else once a relationship was sexual. That way there are no hard feelings or shocks. I honestly didnt realize there had to be a conversation about it.

THere's that, too. I wouldn't want to be on the opposite end of this arrangement. If I were involved in that type of relationship, it would be cut short if I found that the other person were shopping around.

Dishonesty is unacceptable. The litmust test for morality, for those of us who don't care to waste much thought on it: If your'e sneakin', you're probably doin' something you ain't supposed to be doin'.

**Greebo** · 11-02-2011, 03:06 PM

Originally Posted by krbshappy71

I figured that's what I was doing. Putting my own values and standards on her and her situation.

Timeline-wise, she was dating within a month of deceased hubby

That's an eyebrow raiser, to be sure.

but I guess for me to see that as wrong is also me putting my standards on her. I know I do this alllll the time, it causes great frustration for myself and others, apparently I am doing it again.

Maybe I'll apologize to her for that, because even though I used expressions such as "I think" and "I feel" when talking to her my attitude was really clearly judgmental, coming off in a "you should and you shouldn't" attitude.

I am still frustrated but that's my own problem to deal with.

Trying to impose your personal moral standard on others *is* a problem, yes.

But at the same time, there's also no rule that says you have to continue associating with people who's own moral standard (or lack thereof) makes you uncomfortable.

**nodmicks** · 11-02-2011, 03:08 PM

Originally Posted by Nishu

THere's that, too. I wouldn't want to be on the opposite end of this arrangement. If I were involved in that type of relationship, it would be cut short if I found that the other person were shopping around.

Dishonesty is unacceptable. The litmust test for morality, for those of us who don't care to waste much thought on it: If your'e sneakin', you're probably doin' something you ain't supposed to be doin'.

Very true

**Greebo** · 11-02-2011, 03:08 PM

Originally Posted by Nishu

THere's that, too. I wouldn't want to be on the opposite end of this arrangement. If I were involved in that type of relationship, it would be cut short if I found that the other person were shopping around.

Dishonesty is unacceptable. The litmust test for morality, for those of us who don't care to waste much thought on it: If your'e sneakin', you're probably doin' something you ain't supposed to be doin'.

Can't disagree here - though barring any evidence that a violation of agreed upon fidelity is actually happening, its ultimately between her and the guy.