what is it with men...mini vent enclosed
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  1. #1
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    Question what is it with men...mini vent enclosed

    I tend to ramble before I get to the point so I'll do this:
    what is up with men- or specifically mine?

    I seriously think he's bipolar sometimes- like tonight (or this past week altogether) we've been communicating much better than we have in yrs (since he came in from work one evening as told me that he was moving and I could go home to mom). I've spent years dealing with his attitude, some good some bad some just plain annoying. over xmas-I once again got his speech about how he's alone (he lives/works in another state), he wants to move on(sometimes I think he uses this phrase or similar wordage to get reactions from me- i realize this and don't react it seems childish to me), he's not getting younger (duh! we are the same age I know he's not getting younger), he wants a house (well so do I I just don't think we need a huge debt), he's alone because he chose that road several yrs ago. we are trying to talk once a day check, we talk-sometimes about 'us', the kids, his job, things I get in email from friends that are amusing. I caught him shortly before he was leaving work today so he said 'it's my turn to call you' so I'm thinking I'll just catch up on some reading this afternoon while I waited for the return call- seven hours later he calls- he wasn't very forthcoming I know exactly what he wanted when he called as late as he did--- it's something that I have no interest in (and he knows this because I've said it just about every way I know) so when he didn't get what he wanted he sort of pouted, got silent and sounded like he was falling asleep so when I asked him 'are we just going to listen to each other breath' he got huffy (well since you don't want to talk about what I want-I'll let you go so you can go back to whatever you were doing was his response) hence the bipolarness. if he doesn't FEEL like I'm on the same page (some stupid saying he uses with talking about his work) then we go through a period of 'sullen, snippy, veiled and not so veiled references to how it used to be'... this wk I finally told him 'look- YOU Really don't have to keep bringing up how it used to be- BELIEVE IT OR NOT I WAS THERE AND I DO REMEMBER' well that irritated him (so i was treated to silence for a day), today the first time I spoke with him he was fine, several hours later he's 'quiet and not in a talkative mood'- then why call me if he was going to act like a kid who got his favorite toy taken away because I failed (actually chose to not buy into what he was trying to accomplish) I'm to the point right at this moment in time to just wait and see how long this mood last without me 'helping' him get over it by changing the way I act/react to him.

    and thanks to greebo-my attitude of 'well what have i done to cause him to be this way- we were fine earlier' changed to 'he's responsible for his own happiness-he can pout if he wants to' he's not going to guilt me into something I don't want simply because he chooses to not accept it.

    I have noticed since the valentine's when our talks doesn't take the turn he wants he will end the conversation sometimes with 'well i'll let you get back to the kids, reading, whatever you were doing' I am truly sorry that it bothers him for my FULL attention is not being given to him as he feels he deserves. and thoughts, advice comments?

  2. #2
    Registered User pollypurebred39's Avatar
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    No advice, just lots of I hope things work out for you Bent

  3. #3
    Registered User Nishu's Avatar
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    First of all, nothing you have said sounds like bipolar. I'm not sure if you mean that seriously if you're just using it as a way to describe his moods, but it sounds nothing like the medical condition.

    Secondly,

    he wasn't very forthcoming I know exactly what he wanted when he called as late as he did--- it's something that I have no interest in (and he knows this because I've said it just about every way I know) so when he didn't get what he wanted he sort of pouted, got silent and sounded like he was falling asleep
    I'd give him what he wants. For sure. You might enjoy it, and we all have needs. It certainly can't hurt.

    And finally, we are all responsible for our spouses happiness to a certain extent. Having an angry spouse who refuses to work with you is one thing. Watching your relationship crumble and refusing to work on it because it's not your responsibility is quite another. I work pretty hard to keep my husband happy, and he's always returned the favor. If he ever told me it wasn't his responsibility to make me happy, honest to God, I'd probably consider divorcing him.

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    Hmm, it might not be that simple for her to give him what he wants. I was involved in a long distance relationship for three years a long time ago. Giving him what he wanted got old quick. Sometimes our needs are different and some women need more than just hanging on the phone. Kwim? I understand what she means when she has no interest. I would never want to go down that road again.

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    thanks polly, Nishu-not interested and he knows this but keeps pushing thus making me resentful that he's not being respectful of my wishes. Mm/Dana-amen to that.

    I was using it as a description based on his actions at the time- he doesn't get what he wants (knowing full well that we've had conversations about my NON interest, knowing I get uncomfortable when he brings the topic up yet again expecting a different answer than what i've already given him BUT he still does it - i think to try and wear me down so i'll give in). I've spoken to friends to get their advice on the subject and one said ' my husband got a hobby I wasn't interested anymore-we moved on'. My doctor w/whom I think I have a pretty good relationship as far as my health goes when I asked her for 'pills' to restart- she laughed and said it could be 'hormonal, or you could just be one of those women who's drive stops' we did a few tests... I stopped worrying about it. now it's being tossed back into my face 'what use to happen'-like i said I WAS THERE PARTICIPATING- i know what happened. for me it's just one small part of the whole relationship. and one that isn't important to me any longer.
    I've decided to take the WAS(wait and see) approach to see if he can snap out of his 'mood'. ah! i remember something else I get told a lot, how he's the one to bring things up (well, how many times can you honestly revisit the same subject before irritation sets in- so when he 'brings up' something that we've talked about to death I've started just asking him 'what do you want me to say?' I've answered you umpteen times you ask the same thing only using different words- I tell you the same answer as I always give- but you keep wanting to hear what you want to hear so just tell me. of course he get mad and we're back to silence (which i don't mind sometimes)

  7. #6
    Registered User krbshappy71's Avatar
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    Nope, its not all men. Just like women, some are better at communicating than others, some are more mature than others, some only have one thing on the brain and some never seem to have that on the brain. (its true, not all men are horn-dogs even if they try to project to their buddies that they are)

    Not to pry, but have you gone to counseling or considered counseling? Doesn't sound like a very fun path you are on. If you are just venting I understand if you don't want people digging in and asking questions "trying to solve it for you". Just thought I would mention its an option.

  8. #7
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    lordy, if I minded I wouldn't have posted... ask it helps me truly.

    and yes ONE time only I brought up counseling and was told point blank he'd never go. so it was dropped. I do a lot of 'self' help type reading, talk with friend who've had similar experiences, and sometimes vent to 'friends I will never meet'. I am of the opinion that if you ask advice be prepared to hear something you may not want to hear. (always made sure to preface that when I talked with my sil when she talked about her dd's or her grandkids.... 'do you want my opinion... ok here it is... sometimes she'd stop talking ot me for mths, then other times I'd get a hug and kiss on the cheek cause I put into words what she thought). back the middle of last yr I started looking for counselor's in his area for him to go see - he had a bit of anger to work through, when I brought that up we didn't speak for almost two months. now I try to find help for myself as I'm trying to grow spiritually, emotionally, he can do what he wants (ok so I'm still a bit upset about the last night call I will get it out of my system because I don't need this 'crap' that I'm currently feeling- guilt that I did something wrong simply because I didn't go along with him and his wants. )

  9. #8
    Registered User Nishu's Avatar
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    The thing about the sexy stuff is, regardless of what need a person has in a marriage, it's not really right to expect a spouse to just accept the fact that their needs won't be met because the other person doesn't share that same need at the time. Unfortunately we don't just get to decide which needs we get to take seriously and which we get to dismiss. The intimacy may not be a big deal for you, but obviously it is for him.

    If you really felt the need to talk and work out your problems and your husband just responded with, "I'm not into it" or "That's not really a big part of my life right now," how would you feel? (That actually sounds like kind of the problem.) It sounds like both of you have needs that aren't being met, and neither one of you is too interested in budging. Would you be more likely to give in if your husband gave you more of what you wanted? I would guess you probably would, and that's kind of my point. One of you is going to have to give up the goods, and since you're the one asking, I'm suggesting it be you. There has to be some kind of compromise you can reach. Anything is better than just flatly refusing, you know?

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    Registered User krbshappy71's Avatar
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    A friend of mine claims they have an agreement that she takes care of him but doesn't want anything for herself. Maybe that's a compromise you could live with.

    Personally, I can't do things with someone I am having problems with in other areas. I'd suggest working on the other stuff first. I don't think there's a problem with telling someone "until we receive professional help for this marriage, that wont be happening." If it was a medical issue such as the person couldn't perform, and its tearing the two people apart, I wouldn't have a problem telling the person, "until you see a doctor, I just don't want to keep putting ourselves through this." Its setting a boundary towards a solution rather than bickering over the problem.

    Granted I'm just one person out of the billions out there with one opinion, I'm not a relationship expert by any means. I just know what I'm willing and not willing to work through. Only you know how much you can and cannot deal with as you both work through this. I do wish you the best!!

  11. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nishu View Post
    There has to be some kind of compromise you can reach.
    Quote Originally Posted by krbshappy71 View Post
    Maybe that's a compromise you could live with.
    Sensing a pattern here. He gives a little on something, you give a little on something.

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    I've talked to him about my wants/needs. he knows them, he listens we discuss , he counters with what would be best for him to get what he's wanting, so much so that I've pretty much just decided to leave the room when he starts in on 'the subject'. I do talk to him in depth share with him my thoughts on the matter have been doing it for some time now. I've known him for yrs and I know how he works- he keeps expecting to get a different ending and he does try using guilt with me- for a while I let it work then one day had an 'ah ha' moment when I realized he was doing this to get what he wanted- not what we both needed- what HE wanted. when he's called on the guilting he quickly backsup/changes subject but is upset that I actually call him on it. I've asked him numerous times why 'it' is so important to him?- his reply 'I like it'.... bully for him but I don't but I must be made to feel like I should do 'it' simply because he wants 'it'. I'll just put aside my feelings, and let him use me for his pleasure... well ok then.

  13. #12
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    so what would you suggest he 'gives'? cause while i was typing these last response were made....
    honestly I've actualy told him why don't you let me initiate.... guess I take to long, that way I don't get the vibe of 'being pressured to perform' he want's what he wants and that pretty much it. optimal word compromise. a work in progress. thanks guys appreciate your words of wisdom.

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    Sounds like a tug-o-war not a relationship. Why are u together?

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    Registered User pollypurebred39's Avatar
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    Bent, I want to be very careful in how I word this, text does not show emotion/intent, but if it did you'd see, hear and feel that I'm writing this with genuine girl friend concern. I'm so sad that that you just don't have that, to put it delicately, that loving feeling. If you could restore it, would you? If so, there are things that can be done. I leave you this link and lots of

    Bring Your Sex Life Back to Life

  16. #15
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    polly thanks for the link off now to peruse. thanks for the hug also.

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